Jokes For All Occasions Part 4

It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy to define the word appet.i.te. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:

"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight--that's appet.i.te!"

APPRECIATION

The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked:

"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."

"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.

"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed.

"That's Wordsworth, the poet."

The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.

"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for a study in wrinkles."

ARGUMENT

"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg."

"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"

"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."

ART

An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:

"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote."

The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman which he had seen in an art museum abroad.

"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added, with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! and the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"

"Tell me, does your husband snore?"

"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."

"What?"

"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only snores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_."

The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.

"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.

"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy live hogs and----"

His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:

"Don't talk shop."

ATHLETICS

The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present.

"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"

Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.

"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked me."

AUTHORS

A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.

These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:

"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."

BABIES

The visiting Englishman, with an eyegla.s.s screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.

"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.

"Thank G.o.d!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."

The teacher had explained to the cla.s.s that the Indian women are called squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?

"Porpoises," came one eager answer.