Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 72

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful antic.i.p.ation.

The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

Redneck Birth Control.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Redneck Medical Terms.

ArteryThe study of paintings.

BenignWhat you be after you be eight.

BacteriaBack door to cafeteria.

BariumWhat doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean SectionA neighborhood in Rome.

CatscanSearching for Kitty.

CauterizeMade eye contact with her.

ColicA sheep dog.

ComaA punctuation mark.

D&CWhere Washington is.

DilateTo live long.

EnemaNot a friend.

FesterQuicker than someone else.

FibulaA small lie.

GenitalNon-Jewish person.

G.I.SeriesWorld Series of military baseball.

HangnailWhat you hang your coat on.

ImpotentDistinguished, well known.

Labor PainGetting hurt at work.

Medical StaffA Doctor's cane.

MorbidA higher offer than I bid.

NitratesCheaper than day rates.

NodeI knew it.

OutpatientA person who has fainted.

Pap SmearA fatherhood test.

PelvisSecond cousin to Elvis.

Post OperativeA letter carrier.

Recovery RoomPlace to do upholstery.

r.e.c.t.u.mDarn near killed him.

SecretionHiding something.

SeizureRoman emperor.

TabletA small table.

Terminal IllnessGetting sick at the airport.

TumorMore than one.

UrineOpposite of you're out.

VaricoseNear by.

Same Doctor.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger b.r.e.a.s.t.s. The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates. Of course, the woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," said the man.

Same Doctor II.

A lady wanted bigger b.r.e.a.s.t.s, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The doctor had her try it. The told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson. "Yes, how did you know?" she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory d.i.c.kory dock......."

Samples for the Doctor.

One day an old man got really sick so his wife went to the doctor and told him that her husband had a lack of energy, a cough, and couldn't get an erection. The doctor said that there was nothing that he could do until he had a stool, urine, and sperm sample from the man.

When the old woman got home to her husband, he asked, "What did the doctor say?"

She responded, "He wants a pair of your underwear."

Screw in the Head.