Joe Miller's Jests or The Wits Vade-Mecum Part 4

His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail, he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_.

177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an a.s.sembly at the _Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr.

_H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said _H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Gla.s.s, and presented it to his Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise_.

178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist: _Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_.

179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay 8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant, that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more _Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_ Ordinary _Price_.

180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a Beggar_.

181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him, what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_ ruined.

182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but G.o.d and his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at Court_.

183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say, _your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_.

184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack; Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro'

the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_?

_Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can, B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly.

185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they are burnt already_.

186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_ along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord _Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law_.

187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs._

188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are talking about Business_.

189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp.

190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay, how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.

191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_, quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embara.s.s'd the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away, he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.

192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one Day overlooking the Work, a certain n.o.bleman came by, _Well_, Doctor, says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.

193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil_.

194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a _Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Gra.s.s, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the _Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next Morning._

195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the _Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_, says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_ berogued _the Parliament sadly_.

196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time, she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_.

197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_, running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_.

198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_ and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss_.

199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles.

200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get their Money like Horses, and spent it like a.s.ses_; the following Story is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been, and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what a Pox signifies counting it_.

201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_.

202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he, _ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_.

203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_.

204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_.

_Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day?_

205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pa.s.s, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is _Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.

206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing, cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head, else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you do_.

207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_ seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_.

208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, _Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_.

209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_, and others of the n.o.bility, who had been drinking the best Part of the Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of_.

210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my Word_.

211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to a.s.swage his Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours you see_.

212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed, desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your Life-time, and now I'll have mine_.

213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_.

214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._

215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of _Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander, his Horse understood Painting better than himself_.

216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her, if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_.

217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_, says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by a.s.ses, than lie quite untill'd_.

218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has got a Key to it_.

219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it, the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I think it is of the _Fair_.

220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the Bottles and Gla.s.ses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal, _as fast as they can_.

221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you will I hope_.

222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he's_ bent _upon it_.

223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.