Joe Miller's Jests or The Wits Vade-Mecum Part 1

Joe Miller's Jests.

by Elijah Jenkins.

JOE MILLER's _JESTS_.

1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body, being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the _Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]

[1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_.

2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_ Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he.

3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in _Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_, _Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her a.s.surance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have been fairly entered.

4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in _Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid pa.s.sing by, the Woman cry'd, _Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest _Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?_

5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd.

What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you _hear_ in this Place.

6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more _crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.

7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at _Tunbridge_, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she would do with them all. O! said she, they pa.s.s off like the Waters; and pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all _pa.s.s_ the _same Way_?

8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers used to club their _Three-Pence_ a-piece, four of them, to go to _Westminster_, and being called by a Lawyer at _Temple-Bar_, who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to _Westminster-Hall_: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for _Nine-Pence_.

9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would _set him up_, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six Week's Time he was in the _Pillory_.

10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the _Tilt-Yard_ Coffee-House, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General _Deluge_; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that?

I have heard of all the _Generals_ in _Europe_ but him.

11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr.

_Powell_, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his _Box_; what said another of the Buskin'd Wits, _that_ which _George Powell_ gave you t'other Night?

12. _Gun Jones_, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a _Rag to his A--_. You lie, Sirrah, reply'd _Jones_, seven Years ago _I had nothing but Rags to my A--_.

13. Lord _R----_ having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at the Gaming-Table in _Dublin_, some Friends condoling with him upon his ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done, for I have bit them, by G---- there is not one Pistole that don't want Six-Pence of Weight.

14. Mother _Needham_, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par----, and the C--n--v--c--n will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to pay ten Times the Sum.

15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a very _stinking Breath_, the Words are good, said she, but the _Air_ is intolerable.

16. The late Mrs. _Oldfield_ being asked if she thought Sir _W. Y._ and Mrs. _H----n_, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is a _Wedding_ between them.

17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. _G----ve_, who is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of _Mary-Bone Park_, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly _rude_ and had not one Bit of _Pale_ about it.

18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned _John Scot_, asked him what difference there was between _Scot_ and _Sot_: _Just the Breadth of the Table_, answered the other.

19. Another Poet asked _Nat Lee_ if it was not easy to write like a _Madman_, as he did: No, answered _Nat_, but it is easy to write like a _Fool_ as you do.

20. _Colley_, who, notwithstanding his _Odes_, has now and then said a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of _Wharton_, that he expected to see him _hang'd_ or _beggar'd_ very soon, by G--d, said the Laureat, if I had your Grace's _Politicks_ and _Morals_ you might expect _both_.

21. Sir _Thomas More_, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a _Boy_, who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; _thou prayedst so long for a Boy_, said Sir _Thomas_ to his Wife, _that at last thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives_.

22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the Counsel of the Party, for a _longer day_ to perform a Decree, said, _Take St._ Barnaby's _Day, the longest in the Year_; which happened to be the next Week.

23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the last Moment, when he came to be executed on _Tower-Hill_, the Heads-man demanded his _upper Garment_ as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking off his _Cap_, That I think is my _Upper-Garment_.

24. The Great _Algernoon Sidney_ seemed to shew as little Concern at his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient and n.o.ble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my _Head_ he may make a Whistle of my _A----_ if he pleases.

25. Lady _C----g_ and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a Leather-Breeches Maker's in _Piccadilly_, the Sign of the _c.o.c.k_ and _Leather-Breeches_, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady, and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: _Only take down your_ Breeches _and let your_ c.o.c.k _stand_.

26. When _Rablais_ the greatest Drole in _France_, lay on his Death-Bed, he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was _prepared_ for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd _Rablais_, I am ready for my Journey now, _they have just greased my Boots_.

27. _Henry_ the IVth, of _France_, reading an ostentatious Inscription on the Monument of a _Spanish_ Officer, _Here lies the Body of_ Don, &c., &c. _who never knew what Fear was_. _Then_ said the King, _he never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers_.

28. A certain Member of the _French_ Academy, who was no great Friend to the Abbot _Furetiere_, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and _Furetiere_ being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered _Furetiere_, there's _one_ already.

29. When Sir _Richard Steele_ was fitting up his great Room, in _York-Buildings_, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor _Lacy_. He happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen, and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered one of them to get into the _Rostrum_, and make a Speech, that he might observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator.

Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir _Richard_, said the Fellow, we have been working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money, pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir _Richard_, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.

30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church, altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown, I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you; not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, _G.o.d_, Sir, answered the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him, when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a great while, Master, sin I were made.

31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another, that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every _Sunday_, and _make nothing of it_.

32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended.

Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very _moving_ Discourse.

33. Sir _William Davenant_, the Poet, had _no Nose_, who going along the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! G.o.d preserve your _Eye-Sight_; Sir, the Lord preserve your _Eye-Sight_.

Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my _Eye-Sight_? Ah!

dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please G.o.d that you grow dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your _Spectacles_ on.

34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies was set up in _Westminster-Abbey_, being ask'd whereabouts, he said in the same Monument with Squire _Thyne_'s for he was his Coachman.

35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really _Sampson_, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and Shoulders.

36. My Lord _Strangford_, who stammered very much, was telling a certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that _Balaam_'s a.s.s spoke because he was Pri----est---- Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the Bishop, _Balaam_ could not speak himself, and so his _a.s.s_ spoke for him.

37. The same n.o.ble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of his Table, why the _Goose_, if there was one, was always plac'd next the _Parson_. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your Question is so odd, that I shall never see a _Goose_ for the future without thinking of your _Lordship_.

38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil _S----ge_ could live, now my Lord _T----l_ had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits said the other; _That is living upon a slender Stock indeed_, reply'd the First.

39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry, and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? _Home for my Night-Cap_, answered the first, _For I find we are to stay here all Night_.

40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of _Tiperary_, having attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window, at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by throwing _Stones_ at him; _Your Musick, my Friend_, said one of his Companions, is as powerful as that of _Orpheus_, for it draws the very _Stones about you_.

41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, a.s.sured the House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his _Head_, there was _nothing_ in it.