Jake: Jake Understood Part 29

I pressed the red end call b.u.t.ton and slid the phone across the counter. I didn't even know where my anger was directed. I just knew I couldn't seem to calm down over this. To make matters worse, the b.u.t.ter I'd been heating for the dessert had completely burned.

"s.h.i.t!"

I shut off the flames and angrily threw the hot pot into the sink, splattering the b.u.t.ter everywhere.

The sound of my inner ear ringing amidst the deafening quiet was torturous.

I forced myself to go straight to bed and began to obsess about everything. My fears got the best of me as concern about my emotional state grew. The "what if" monster started to take control of my thoughts.

What if I'm a basket case for the next nine months?

What if I get postpartum depression again?

What if Jake can't handle my issues this time, and it ruins us?

What if Jake is still attracted to Ivy? (That was an oldie but goodie that always seemed to creep in at my worst.) Then, the "what if" questions turned to "whys."

Why do I have to share my husband?

Why can't we just be a normal family?

Why can't he walk home? (That one made no sense because of the blizzard, and he was on the other side of the city, but I wasn't thinking rationally tonight.) Why is he with her and not with me?

This self-torture continued through the night. Tossing and turning, I finally fell asleep around four in the morning, only to wake up at six in the same state of mind.

Jake couldn't see me like this. It would ruin what was supposed to be a happy time. I needed to take some time today and calm down before I told him about the baby. My being in this state would tarnish the whole pregnancy announcement.

If I left before he got here, it might freak him out. So, the plan would be to wait until he arrived and then leave for a while to grab my bearings. The only way he'd let me leave was if I was adamant about it.

I received a text about 6:30 a.m.

Road is finally opened. Thank G.o.d. Leaving now. Be home soon.

I got my coat on and threw a hat over my head so that I would be prepared when he came in. I sat in the same spot waiting.

Forty minutes later, the door latched open.

My heart beat faster as I took in the sight of my husband. His flattened hair stuck to the sides of his head. He had bags under his glowing green eyes. He was still the most gorgeous man I'd ever laid eyes on.

Jake ran to me and planted his nose in my neck, releasing a deep breath into me. His skin was cold to the touch. "What a nightmare last night was. They discharged her. She's back at the group home now." He squeezed me tighter. "G.o.d, Nina. It feels so f.u.c.king good to be home."

Doing everything in my power to fight back tears, I reluctantly pushed back. Even though I was tempted to stay in the safety and warmth of his arms, my mood was out of control, and it would ruin everything. I had to cool it, and that meant leaving.

"Why do you have your coat on?"

"I need to get out for a while. I didn't want you to come home and not find me."

"What? Why? Is it because I spent the night at the hospital?"

That wasn't entirely the issue, but I implied that it was. "What do you think?"

"Baby, I-"

"Listen, last night was just a really rough night. You've never not come home before. Ever. I just...I got upset. It's not only that. I need to clear my mind. I'll be fine. I just need some s.p.a.ce."

"Nina, I'm sorry. But I just don't understand."

"Please don't call me and don't text me, okay? I'm serious. I just need to be alone for a while."

The terrified look on his face didn't stop me. I closed the door behind me and never looked back.

The stormy weather of the previous day had given way to a beautiful morning as mounds of white snow reflected the bright rays of the sun.

After a few hours of roaming our neighborhood and two stops into a couple of different restaurants that were open for breakfast, my exact destination was still unclear. Ice crunched beneath my Ugg boots as I continued to stroll along the side streets, still not ready to go home.

When I got to the tracks along Beacon Street, a Green Line trolley approached in the distance. It eventually screeched to a halt in front of me, and the doors opened. I impulsively got inside without paying attention to where it was headed.

I shut my eyes and let the swaying motion of the trolley ride calm me as I thought about the baby growing inside of me. The timing of my first pregnancy couldn't have been worse. It was in the midst of first finding out about Ivy and dealing with all of the changes to Jake's and my relationship that came along with that. The stress leading up to A.J's birth was unprecedented and helped create the perfect storm that led to a really rough time after he was born.

I was determined that this baby would come into the world under different circ.u.mstances. Whatever demons or insecurities that remained inside of me needed to be eradicated in the next nine months.

Something written in pen on the back of the seat in front of me caught my eye.

Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.

I'd had a lot of fears in my lifetime. With Jake's help, I was able to overcome many of them. But when you're a fearful person by nature, often times, old fears are simply replaced with brand new ones. Ivy had been at the root of my anxieties from the moment I first found out about her. Even though Jake never gave me a reason to feel insecure, I couldn't help it. Because I'd never met her, had never even seen what she looked like, she was like this mythical creature that held a small part of my husband's heart. The times I became most insecure were the times that I focused on that one small part I didn't have, rather than the majority I owned.

Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.

The next stop was Park Street. Vaguely, it registered that Park Street was where I could switch to the Red Line train. The Red Line would take me to Dorchester. Dorchester was where Ivy lived.

I wouldn't admit to myself that I was actually considering going there. If it became truth, I would lose the courage to do something that might be necessary for my own mental health. Maybe I would just peek in the window. Maybe I wouldn't actually say anything to her. But it just suddenly became clear to me that as long as Ivy was a faceless monster in my head, the fear of the unknown would always be there. How could you tackle a fear if you didn't really know what you were dealing with? I took one last look at the words responsible for catapulting an ordinary day into one I hoped I wouldn't regret for the rest of my life.

Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.

I stood up and clung to a metal pole as the trolley came to a stop.

After dumping change into the open guitar case of a man performing on the platform below, I waited anxiously for the next train-the train that would take me to Ivy's neighborhood. I'd ordered a gift basket for the staff at the group home once as a favor to Jake, so I knew the address. I'd even stalked the house a few times on Google Earth, squinting my eyes to examine every last detail as if I'd get a glimpse of her.

Once on the train, I checked my phone. No text from Jake. Even though I'd told him not to text me, I was surprised but thankful that he listened. I wasn't sure I could have gone through with this if he'd sent a message that made me feel guilty.

The announcement for my stop amped up the adrenaline running through my veins. "Fields Corner!"

As I exited the train, I took out my phone and entered the address into a GPS application.

It would be about a ten minute walk to the group home. As I followed the route, my mouth was parched, and my heart was beating out of control. With each step forward, doubt spread like wildfire. I wasn't sure I could go through with it.

The automated voice stopped me in my tracks. "You have arrived."

I looked up at the giant three-story home. Brown paint was chipping off the siding of the exterior. A wooden plaque with the word Welcome carved into it hung on the front door. Wind chimes dangling from the top of the front porch abruptly rang out in the breeze as if to warn me to turn around and leave.

I walked around the side and peeked through a first floor window. Two women were preparing food in the kitchen. The m.u.f.fled voice of a man singing somewhere inside the house could also be heard.

This was a bad idea. They weren't going to just let me in. What would I even say? I needed to leave, but at the same time, I'd come all the way here and at least, hoped for a look at her.

I returned to the front of the house and stood frozen outside of the door.

Before I could garner the courage to knock, the door flew open.

A heavyset woman with short cropped hair stood before me. "I saw you standing on the porch from the window. The doorbell is broken. You must be Shari."

It felt like all of the saliva had drained from my mouth. "Uh...yeah? Hi."

What was I doing?

She boisterously waved her arm behind her shoulder. "Well, come on in."

"Thanks."

"No. Thank you for doing this on short notice. We've had a shortage of volunteers lately. They didn't tell me which day you were coming, just that they'd try to send you whenever you had some time."

She thought I was a volunteer.

"So, I don't know if Valerie told you, but really, it's just basic stuff we need help with...floors, the two bathtubs, most of the deep cleaning that gets neglected. You okay with getting on your hands and knees?"

"Uh...sure."

I followed her down a hallway as she spoke. "I can't tell you how much we appreciate this. With budget cuts, the state only sends a cleaning service out once a month now. And that's just not enough. We have twelve adults in this house. Our priorities are keeping them safe, and that means that the cleaning goes to h.e.l.l." She reached out her hand. "I'm Nadine, by the way."

I took her hand. "Nice to meet you."

"All the cleaning supplies you should need are in that utility closet. You should start with the floors downstairs then make your way upstairs to the bathrooms. We have one of those fold-out yellow signs that says 'wet floor.' You can place it down in the center of whatever room is wet then move it around as needed as the floors dry. You don't need to do the bedrooms, just the main living area floors downstairs and the bathrooms. Should take you about two hours."

"Okay."

I'd gotten myself into this mess, and now, I would have to literally clean it up.

About a half-hour into scrubbing the floors downstairs, I checked to make sure the kitchen was dry before removing the sign. The plan was to venture upstairs next. I'd a.s.sumed Ivy was up there since all of the bathrooms and the residents' bedrooms were located on the second and third floors.

A tall, dark-skinned man donning sungla.s.ses entered the kitchen. He was walking extremely slowly before he sat down.

He caught me off guard when he spoke. "Hey, beautiful."

"Hi."

"Smile. You look gorgeous today, by the way. And you're doing a great job."

"Thank you. That's...uh...nice of you to say."

"It's not that nice."

"What?"

"I don't really know how you look. I'm blind. I'm a ball buster."

"Oh." I laughed. "I see."

"Yes, you do, but I don't."

"Right. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's a beautiful thing sometimes. I get to see everyone for what they really are on the inside without the bulls.h.i.t on the outside-the masks that people wear."

"That's an interesting way of putting it."

"I can also pretend that every woman looks like Halle Berry. That helps."

"Yes, I suppose it does." I chuckled. "How do you know...um..."

"How do I know what Halle Berry looks like?"

"Yeah."

"I wasn't always blind."

It wasn't any of my business, but I was really curious. I whispered, "What happened to you?"

He pointed to the floor. "You missed a spot."

I flipped around. "Where?"

"Now, how's a blind man gonna see if you missed a spot? I told you. I'm a ball buster."

I smacked my forehead. "What's your name?"

"I'm Leo."

"Hi, Leo. I'm Ni...uh, Shari."

"Niashari. Interesting name. To answer your question, I lost my sight in Iraq. It was a roadside bomb. I'm a soldier."

His admission jarred me into silence. Leaning my mop against the sink, I pulled up a seat across from him. "Wow. I'm sorry. Thank you for your service, Leo."

"Don't look so depressed."

"I thought you couldn't see me."