Jake: Jake Understood Part 21

Nina: I think we need to talk, too.

I closed my eyes and shut off my phone, feeling sick to my stomach and gearing up for another sleepless night.

Back in Brooklyn, the emptiness caused by Nina's absence was more profound than it had been in Boston. I ended up not sending her any more messages on Christmas Sunday, though, because I felt like I needed to cool it.

I'd almost texted her that I loved her.

That would have been a big mistake for multiple reasons. For one, it would have been irresponsible to confess such a thing before we had our talk. More so, telling someone you love them for the first time via text message would have been asinine. So, a few days to clear my head were definitely needed.

Even though he'd driven Nina upstate, Ryan had only stayed away for Christmas weekend and had returned to our apartment Monday. Nina was planning on taking a bus back to the city at the end of the two weeks. Tarah had been using every opportunity to get Ryan and me to talk to each other. When she invited me to dinner with them downstairs Tuesday night, I ended up going just to p.i.s.s him off and came to the conclusion that it was way more fun to kill him with kindness, thereby annoying the f.u.c.k out of him.

Nina and I texted on and off, but I mainly focused my time working on a sketch that would be her belated Christmas present. The image came from an idea that popped into my head based on something she said during our Chicago trip. It was finished and framed by mid-week then Fedexed to her parents' house.

When my phone rang Friday afternoon as I was getting ready to leave work, I had a feeling it was her. Having mostly texted while apart, we rarely spoke on the phone, but something just told me she'd call me when she received my package.

I picked up. "Hey, you."

"Jake..."

I closed my eyes at the sound of her sweet voice. I hadn't heard it since she left, and it reawakened the physical need that I'd managed to keep at bay this week.

"Nina..."

I immediately snuck into an empty conference room and shut the door.

"Oh my G.o.d. Your present came," she said, sniffling.

"Are you crying?"

"Yes."

"Oh, man, I didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's okay. It's all good." She cleared her throat. "When? When did you do this? How did you do it?"

"I used the picture of him in your room. I waited until you went away to start, so you wouldn't notice it gone."

The sketch was of Nina's brother Jimmy and my sister, Amanda. In the drawing, Amanda is whispering something into Jimmy's ear as he laughs with a beaming smile. It was based on Nina's comment that she wondered if they were conspiring in heaven to bring us together. In case she didn't recognize the resemblance, I'd captioned it: Heaven's Conspirators (Jimmy and Amanda). I was pretty confident, though, that my interpretation of both was spot on. Jimmy's eyes came out particularly lifelike.

Sending it was a risk that I hoped didn't backfire. It was an extremely personal gift, not only for her but for me.

"I can't thank you enough for this. Words can never express how precious this is to me. I...love..." she hesitated.

My heart was racing. Was she going to say she loved the portrait...or me?

"I know. I know," I said, not wanting her to say those words because they would completely undo me.

"What did I ever do to deserve this?" she asked.

"Just the fact that you would ask that question is the essence of why I..." Now, I was the one hesitating. Why I what? I finished my sentence. "Why I adore you."

It felt like a safer word than love, less likely to do irreparable damage if things didn't work out. And it was the d.a.m.n truth. I adored her.

"I adore you, too," she said. "Not only for this, but because you brought me back to life. Thank you."

Long after we hung up, those bittersweet words wouldn't stop repeating in my head all the way to Boston.

If the earlier part of the holiday break represented realizing the depth of my feelings for Nina, the second part marked the unraveling of my s.e.xual control.

It was Sat.u.r.day night, New Year's Eve. As always, I'd spent the day with Ivy before heading home to Allison's house.

My family's New Year's Eve tradition was to gorge on Chinese food. Every year, Cedric would come home with two large boxes, complaining about how long he had to wait for the takeout. The a.s.sociation between Chinese food and New Year's Eve always baffled me, but it seemed like everyone in Boston had the same idea. This year was no different.

My nieces were begging to stay up until midnight, and per usual, my sister gave in. Cedric and I had just finished up a card game while my mother and Allison watched the Times Square festivities on television.

The fortune cookies left over from our dinner were strewn about on the table. One in particular seemed to be calling to me. I remembered what Nina told me during our Chinese karaoke date. Take the one facing you.

Cracking it open, I chuckled because the fortune spoke volumes about my feelings toward her: It's easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

Ain't that the truth.

Even though you could have pretty much applied that message to anything, for me, it related to the intensity of the s.e.xual frustration I was experiencing at the moment.

And the only woman I wanted was hundreds of miles away.

As I stared into the fire and fantasized about her, my phone buzzed with the words that set the tone for the rest of the night.

I wish you were here.

My mouth filled with moisture as my heart raced. I typed.

Jake: I was just thinking the same thing about you.

Nina: I'm supposed to be going out tonight, but I really don't feel like it.

Jake: Why not?

Nina: For one, I'm going to be freezing my a.s.s off.

Jake: That would not be a good thing. I'd really miss your a.s.s.

Nina: LOL.

Jake: Where are you going?

Nina: Some friends from high school found out I was in town, contacted me on facebook and invited me to a party. I'm all dressed up, but I'm not sure I'm gonna go.

Jake: Show me what you look like.

Nina: Okay, hang on.

My pulse raced as I held the phone and waited while my d.i.c.k rose to attention. Was I really so hard up that merely antic.i.p.ating a picture of her had just given me an erection? I was just so desperate for a look at her again.

The situation in my pants was no better once the image popped up. Nina had taken a selfie in the mirror. She was wearing an emerald green fitted dress. It wasn't low cut, but anything fitted looked indecent on her bountiful rack. Her hair was off her forehead, accentuating the light blue of her eyes that glowed in the bathroom lighting. Her expression reflected a shyness as if she were reluctant to take the picture.

I just kept staring at it. At her. I pressed down on the photo and saved it to my camera roll. My phone buzzed.

Nina: No comment?

Jake: I'm still looking at it.

Nina: Oh.

Jake: You look incredible.

Nina: Thank you.

Jake: I almost wish I didn't ask to see it.

Nina: What are you doing tonight?

She changed the subject, causing me to wonder if I'd made her uncomfortable.

Jake: Staying in. My family pigged out on Chinese food earlier. I'll stay up to watch the ball drop then go to bed sometime after.

Nina: You're not going out? With anyone?

Jake: No.

Dread set in as I stared at her question again, realizing that she likely wasn't just referring to tonight. What she probably wanted to know was whether there was another woman in my life. After all this time, I'd never made it crystal clear to her one way or the other. Of course, there was someone else but not in the way she might have wondered.

Nina: Does whatever you have to tell me involve someone else?

I was s.h.i.tting a brick.

The Chinese food seemed like a really bad idea as nausea suddenly consumed me. Refusing to tell her about Ivy over the phone, I froze, not knowing how to address her question. That talk needed to be done delicately and in person so that I could look her in the eyes and a.s.sure her of my intentions.

I typed.

Jake: Not in the way you might think.

I closed my eyes, so disappointed in myself for letting this situation go on for as long as it had.

The phone vibrated.

Nina: Do you have a child?

My response was immediate.

Jake: No f.u.c.k.

f.u.c.k.

f.u.c.k.

The wheels had clearly been turning, probably for months as she played private investigator in her head while trying to figure out my deal. My heartbeat accelerated as I took the phone upstairs, closing the door for privacy then locking it.

I dialed her.

It rang once before she answered right away. "h.e.l.lo?" Her voice was groggy. It sounded like she was congested.

"Are you crying?" I asked.

"No."

My tone was stern. "Don't lie to me."

"Yes," she said softly.

"Listen to me, Nina. We do need to talk, but it's something I was really hoping to discuss with you in person. This is all my fault for being afraid to open up to you for so long. But here's what cannot wait a second longer: You absolutely need to know right now that you are the only person in this world that has my heart, and nothing that I have to tell you will change that."

It was as if what I'd just said went in one ear and out the other when she asked, "Is someone sick or dying?"

"No...no, nothing like that. It's a complex situation, and I'm not sure how you're going to view it. If you insist that I tell you tonight, we'll have the talk now, but I'd really appreciate the opportunity to do it face to face when you come home next week."

"I'm sorry, Jake. I just...it's been so hard. My imagination has been running wild for a long time. I'm scared I'm going to lose you."

She was scared. I remembered Cedric's words and took her fear as a sign that she really did love me.

I love you, too, baby. I just can't say it yet.

"Don't be scared. You won't lose me. I'll always be your friend and more if you'll have me. Please trust that as long as you want me to be around, I will be."

She sniffled. "Okay, I'm going to trust you on this, and you're right. We shouldn't be discussing anything important over the phone."

"Thank you. I'm glad you agree."

"I'd come home early, but my mother arranged for a memorial service for Jimmy at the church the Friday evening before I leave."

"It's only one more week. It'll fly by."

I stared at the ceiling and listened to the faint sounds outside my foggy window. Holiday revelers must have been entering and exiting the trolley that ran down Beacon Street. Many were probably headed to the First Night celebration downtown.

Nina and I remained quiet until I was the first to speak again. "I'm sorry if I ruined your night."