Jaguar Addams - Learning Fear Part 4

Apparently, she was still angry.

Alex flipped to the student interpersonal network, which at least had the advantage of occasionally being interesting reading.

aBut do you think Hanifinas bis.e.xuality is reflected in her bitextuality?a Burhasa asked Jamie.

aHow could it not, and arenat we all bis.e.xual/bitextual? Wish I was bilingual, though. In a literal kind of way,a Jamie replied.

aSounds like fun to me, too. Want to have dinner?a He scrolled rapidly forward.

aGoing to the Gone Girls Dance?a Carla asked Mariah. aDavidall be there, setting up for it.a aDepressing,a Mariah replied. aAll those speeches about safety take the edge off. How do you know Davidall be there?a aHeas on the memorial fund committee, stupid. Remember the dinner? The speech he gave with his fly down?a Alex paused. The Gone Girls. Local name for the sorority women that disappeared. But that was old news. He moved on through the messages, finding nothing more of interest, and then opened his own mail. He expected that by now he should have received at least one response to a message he had posted two days ago, offering information on the best way to spot an empath.

Donat let the University bend your mind. Learn how to see the empath in the professor. For more information, use network Private Sanctions la"[email protected]

His telecom showed three responses. One was from a nervous student asking if he knew how to tell if your girlfriend was aone of thema and explaining in great detail why he thought his might be. The second was a student offering herself as personal secretary on the networks for a rather exorbitant fee which suggested her duties would involve more than keyboard skills.

The third was more helpful.

Campus survey group seeking information about the following professors. Jibhul Alka, mathematics; Don Porter, history; Jaguar Addams, cultural studies; Beatrice Feda, languages; Ameda Blancorth, physics; Harrison Fish, fine arts. Iave got some info on onea"Jaguar Addamsa"because Iam taking her cla.s.s. She makes radical gestures and talks about the unspeakable. Probably an easy A, but not very safe. For more info post reply Private Sanction aDoesnat that just figure,a Alex muttered to the screen. Radical gestures. Shead been there four weeks and already she had a reputation as a radical. Couldnat she stay out of trouble anywhere?

He glanced at the clock and saw that it was late, saw that he had been working more than four hours over his regular day. He would go to sleep, as soon as he completed two more tasks.

The first was to set his computer to work gathering any available information on all faculty and staff of the cultural studies department at the State University. He collated it so that names would be matched to previous employment and personal histories. By morning he would have results. Then he picked up his telecom and punched in her office relay line, which would transfer automatically to her campus housing if she wasnat in the office.

There was no answer on either line, and he left a message for her to call him back, though he had little hope that she would. Dammit, he just wanted to warn her.

A small and honest voice that emanated from somewhere very near his center chided him, reminding him that he sent her there in the first place, with no backup, no real information, and the official blacklisting of the Governorsa Board.

Not much he could do about any of it, either. Except maybe the backup.

He could get someone else down there. Someone to just be there, in case of trouble. Not that he expected any. Of course not. But just in case.

He picked up his telecom and punched in Rachelas code. Her machine answered, and Alex remembered that it was late, and he was being rude.

aRachel,a he said, aif youare there, pick up. If youare not, call me when youa"a The blank screen was replaced by her face, looking puffy in sleep. aWhat?a She yawned at him.

aListen,a he said, ado you know anyone whoad want to do some continuing education on the home planet?a She blinked at him, and caught on fast. aI can pack my bags tonight. Leave in the morning.a aNo,a he said, glad he didnat have to waste time bringing her up to speed. aShead know I sent you. Somebody less personally involved, I think.a Rachel looked disappointed, then chewed on her finger. aYouare right. How about Brad?a Alexas face brightened. aBrad Deragon,a he murmured. aPerfect.a Head put in a request for school leave for the spring. Why not let him start a little early with a trimester course and some independent study. The paperwork was in process already.

And he was reliable, almost impossible to unnerve, so if Jaguar caught onto why he was there, head just smile it away. Brad would be perfect.

aThanks, Rachel.a Alex said. aDo you think we can get it started?a aIall push the paper through. Heall needa"letas see, I guess a Z20, and fund coding. It might take a week, if you want to do it without anyone noticing.a aIad like it kept quiet. Iall talk to him about it myself. Go as fast as you can, Rachel, without raising a wake.a

5.

aHOW ARE YOU LIKING YOUR STUDENTS?a Emily Rainer asked, her smile deliberately friendly as she reached for the raita, the sleeve of her embroidered muslin shirt catching in a bowl of curry sauce.

aThey like a little shaking up, I think,a Jaguar said, handing a napkin over to her. She hadnat gotten the hang of Emily yet. She was always making friendly gestures, indicating that they were comrades in armsa"women of the same age in the same situationa"but her eyes remained cold and the baseline emotion under her deliberate friendliness smelled to Jaguar more like fear.

Emily laughed and wiped at her wrist. aShaking up? Dr. Addams, theyare already horrified because we ask them to actually think. Isnat that right, Ethan?a aAlas, yes.a He smiled, and offered the bottle of wine to Jaguar, who took it.

The semester was in its fourth week, and the welcome dinner had finally become possible because they were past the crisis atmosphere of start-up and settling into a rhythm, which would build to near crisis for midterms, settle again, and reach critical ma.s.s at end of term, after which everyone would collapse and go on break, only to start again next term. University educators, she thought, were energized by the cycle of disaster their year represented.

Not all faculty members were present at the dinner, partly because Jaguar had nothing to offer them in terms of career advancement, and partly because not all of them were speaking with each other. Ethan had managed to secure five and so far none of them had indicated any desire to hurt the others.

aI heard you were behaving in a radical way with the poor innocents,a George Norton offered. aTearing up the syllabus. Having them jump around in cla.s.s and so on.a Jaguar kept her smile in place as she waved these words aside. aAttention-getting devices.a She turned her gaze to Emily. aThey work.a aIall bet,a she said. aTry the papadum? Itas very good here. Any trouble students so far?a aTrouble students?a aYou know,a Samitu said, licking at his thumb and making a fist, which he punched in the air, aBoxers. The ones who enjoy a fight more than an answer.a aSteven Haigue,a she said, without stopping to think.

aSteve,a Ethan said. aHeas in my Rhetoric and Principles cla.s.s. Very intense. Likes to go by the book. Always stops after cla.s.s to continue discussion.a aI had him last term,a Emily said. aHe was pretty broken up over the Rodriguez incident, wasnat he?a Jaguar looked around questioningly.

Ethan leaned across the table to her. aDoris Rodriguez. One of the women who disappeared. The students, exhibiting their usual penchant for bad taste, call them the Gone Girls.a aI know,a she noted. aI see the memorial notices.a aIt was pretty bad,a George said. aFour young women just vanished. One right after the other. The press was howling, the police were crawling up our pant legs and out our ears, the parents were frantically withdrawing their darlings. Did anyone mention it to you?a aMention it?a Emily broke in. aGeorge, weave spent two years working as hard as we can to develop amnesia about it. A semester of sheer h.e.l.l while they dropped off the face of the earth, then a year of worse than h.e.l.l when their faces were plastered on telecoms and beer bottlesa"beer bottles, if you can imagine. Some local breweryas idea.a aYes, and just when we think we can settle back into our dull routine, we lose the dean.a George Norton leaned toward her and tapped at his chest.

aIt was a heart attack,a he said to Jaguar. aTotally unexpected. He was more fit than anyone at this table, Iad venture to say. And only fifty. Maybe it was the stress.a She bit back a comment about their definition of stress. aTerrible,a she said sympathetically.

George shook his head. aNever found out what happened to the Gone Girls, either. Oddly enough, all four were cultural studies majors. Police tried to make something of that, especially with poor Leonard, who had all of them in his cla.s.s.a Jaguar looked to Leonard, who shook his head and remained silent. He was being very quiet this evening. Barely visible. She wondered if that was intentional.

aLike great-grandpa?a she asked.

aAlmost,a he replied.

aWhat?a George asked.

Jaguar and Leonard exchanged very quiet smiles. aNothing,a Leonard said. aFamily story I told Jaguar.a aOh,a George said, awell. If you say. At any rate, they finally chalked it up to some elusive, and probably off-campus psychotic when a few more women in town disappeared. I hate to say it, but I was glad of those disappearances.a aI still think it was a cybers.p.a.ce jump. Ought to keep these kids off those d.a.m.n computers,a Samitu said. aThey should be out rolling around in the gra.s.s making love with each other, not hooking themselves up to machines and making words do what their bodies wonat.a He tapped the back of Jaguaras hand with a spoon. aLips should be locked together in pa.s.sion, not laser overload. Donat you agree?a aReally, Samitu,a Emily said, aleave poor Dr. Addams alone. Youall terrify her.a He shook his spoon at her, spraying droplets of soup around. aNot her. One can tell at a glance that sheas not bloodless, or easily terrified.a He said this in such a way that Emily could easily have taken offense, especially as he scanned her from the top of her deliberately casual hair to the bottom of her appropriately heeled shoes. Ethan intervened.

aSamitu is right that some of our students get their heads stuck in a VR unit with disastrous consequences to their GPAs. But I donat think any of the young women in question were involved in that. The police would have turned it up.a aYes,a Emily said, aexactly. And I wish the whole thing would blow away, since itas pretty dried up by now. Ethanas been wonderful in implementing that process, of course. We were very fortunate to have him step in for the dean, and weare all hoping heall take it on for the next term.a She leaned in toward Jaguar and added, with deliberate lightness, aSomebodyas got to keep the empaths under control.a Jaguar laughed, with what she hoped was deliberate indifference. Emily leaned away, but kept her friendly eye on Jaguar, who ducked her head down to a plate of chicken tandoori.

George lifted his gla.s.s. aCount on my vote,a he said. aNow, Iave heard something interesting. That the presidentas hired a professional empath to check faculty response to the new course. Have you heard anything about the empath investigator, Ethan?a Ethan frowned. aNo. I heard no such thing.a aI heard it, too,a Emily chimed in, aFrom a rather reliable source. Itas all being done very discreetly, Iam told. Someone disguised as a secretary or a professor or something. Between that and the empath course, weall be crawling with them, Dr. Addams.a Jaguar had the sudden sensation of being in an elevator that had lost its cable and was careening down toward a hard landing. She wasnat sure if it was her paranoia, or if Emily, Ethan, and Leonard were all watching carefully to note her response. She held on to her smile.

aThe course is a big issue,a she noted in what she hoped was a detached and academic way.

aWell,a Emily said, anot so big as an elephant, but about twice as messy, if you know what I mean. Honestly, though. A course in empathic arts? You can imagine what these young and very impressionable people will make of it. Theyave grown up on a steady diet of virtual reality and holodisk infusion. Theyall be wasting hours trying to bend spoons with their minds and see through some first-year studentas clothes ora"well, inventing dangerous s.e.xual rituals. Weall end up with our own version of the Serials on a small scale.a Jaguar felt her jaw begin to tighten, and asked it to relax. Just relax. This was nothing to do with her. All she had to do was keep her mouth shut and in a minute theyad be fighting fiercely over the ludic nature of reconstructionist movements. She told herself this, but apparently she wasnat listening.

aThe empathic arts werenat even named as such until after the Serials,a she said. aIave never been sure why people insist on attaching the two.a Emilyas fork stopped between plate and mouth, and her face began to pinch in. Apparently, Jaguar thought, her friendliness wouldnat cover disagreement.

aYouare right, Dr. Addams,a Ethan said quickly. aTo establish a causal connection between empathic practices and the Serials is the height of non sequitur. At the time n.o.body was even discussing psi capacities as a scientifically established phenomenon. All we had was pseudopsychics on TV. However,a he continued, smiling down Emilyas scowl, athat doesnat mean we should run a course in either ritualized psi work, or ritualized killing.a He let his smile drift from Emily to Jaguar, including them both in his good graces.

Nicely done, she thought wryly. A little intellectual mnage * trois, and now everybodyas friends. If only she could keep her mouth shut, which she apparently couldnat.

aBut doesnat it make more sense to allow study of an issue?a she said, speaking to Ethan rather than Emily. aLet all the relevant voices speak to it, instead of trying to pretend it doesnat exist.a George picked up the water pitcher and poured into her gla.s.s. aBut the ethical implications are too complex for students, much less their parents, who pay the bills.

We canat give the appearance of condoning something as morally ambiguous as the empathic arts.a Jaguar took in the faces circled around her at this table. They were part of a system she didnat know how to work, or even understand. She once thought University was about learning, but it seemed to be much more about grappling for positions of power on ground as ephemeral as theory. Or what they called power, which she thought was merely control. She could make them very uncomfortable. She could tell them the truth about herself and her work.

aAre they?a she asked quietly.

Everyone paused, waiting for her to complete her sentence.

aAre they what?a George asked, when she didnat.

aMorally ambiguous. The arts. I never saw them that way myself.a George and Emily clamped shut on their surprise, Leonardas forehead creased, and Samitu raised an eyebrow, but Ethan leaned back in his chair and laughed. aOh, come on, George. Thereas no moral issue here. The problem is weare scared to death. Weave kept this stuff confined to primitive lore, forensics, cla.s.sified military files, and social misfits for centuries. If we admit itas worth legitimate study, weare changing the way the whole world looks. Itas revolutionary. Like Galileo, only now our church is rational theory and there are more people to excommunicate.a Interesting, she thought, the way he saw the many sides of the issue, and seemed to agree with all of them. It was an art shead never learned.

aWhatas the matter with theory?a Emily asked.

aThere is none,a Jaguar responded before Ethan could. aThatas the trouble.a Emily turned to her, her less than friendly eyes glittering. Maybe, Jaguar thought, what she hid under her deliberate friendliness was more anger than fear. And maybe the friendliness was a lot more fragile than Jaguar had realized.

aI beg your pardon?a Emily asked, her voice as brittle as her eyes.

aThere isnat any matter in theory,a Jaguar said. aIt needs to be grounded in something physical, or kinetic, or emotional. Theory has to integrate with the rest of learning.a aYou see,a Samitu said enthusiastically. aI told you. This is a woman who likes to be touched for real. None of this airy fakery for her, yes?a Jaguar inclined her head toward him.

aIndeed,a Ethan said, laughing lightly. aSo you believe a course would ground the problem?a aI do,a Jaguar said. aIt would at least take the fears out of the closet where they could be examined, instead of abstracting them into nothing, so that they seem to be everywhere.a aOne does wonder,a George said, ahow many closet empaths there are. Ora"theyare called cloaked, arenat they?a aCloaked,a Emily said, and waved a dismissive hand. aBest they stay that way rather than overwhelming our students with foolish notions.a aIsnat that what they used to say about gays?a Jaguar noted, keeping her voice light and her smile high while she saw how the color rose to Emilyas cheeks.

Ethan leaned over and tapped her hand. aCheck and mate for Dr. Addams. Did you know that Emilyas brother is director of the New York City Gay Coalition? Or did you take it from her mind, empathically?a He moved closer to her and waved his fingers in her face. Without pause, she caught them, stopped them, and just in time remembered not to twist.

Now what? she heard herself asking herself. You pull out your knife and slit his throat?

She called up a smile, then a laugh. aWhat do you think it is, Dean? Research, or empathic arts?a He pulled his hand back from hers and regarded her with pure and unadulterated l.u.s.t. aI think only further investigation would determine that, Dr. Addams.a Jaguar thought she might suffocate in the palpable stoppage in conversation that followed, or be bled to death by Emilyas eyes boring into the side of her face.

aJaguar?a a voice asked politely. She looked up and saw Leonard, the only one at table who used her first name, regarding her with very serious eyes.

Empath eyes, she thought. Without a doubt. This was followed by the quickened feeling of empathic contact. She stayed closed against it.

Leonardas forehead creased in thought. Then he smiled broadly. aCould you pa.s.s the bread, please?a Taking a piece out, she handed the basket to him.

aI understand youall be doing research while youare here,a Leonard continued. He was helping her out, she knew. Reestablishing comfortable conversation around the table. She let him.

aIave been doing some work,a she lied. aComparison of tribal funeral rituals.a Now where, she wondered, was that from? She had no intention of saying anything specific.

Leonard nodded as if he already knew all about it. aAny particular aspect?a he asked.

Again her words ran ahead of her thoughts. aTzokol,a she said, using the Mertec word for soul thieving.

She blinked at him. Soul thieves. People who prevented the pa.s.sage of a spirit from this world into the spirit world. Or people who were able to intrude empathically into the gifts of other empaths. People who could take a gift from someone. She didnat mean to say that.

aI know a little about that,a he said. aMaybe we can talk sometime.a She turned to Ethan, who was searching her face with an unexpected intensity. He lowered his face and went back to his food, but not before she felt the blood creeping warmly into her own face. Next to her, she heard Emily sniff.

Jaguar smiled at her. aCan anyone explain to me,a she asked, letting her voice sound querulous, ahow one manages to get disk copies made without spending a small fortune?a The laughter was general, since the exorbitant copy fees charged on campus was one of the most contentious issues within the department, and for the University at large. Conversation moved in easier ways after this, with Jaguar continuing to lead them away from topics of controversy and toward the necessities of University life. When they rose to leave, Ethan hung behind and Jaguar took the opportunity to thank him for the evening.

aMy pleasure,a he said, taking her hand and holding on to it.

aI hope,a she said tentatively, aI didnat say anything out of turn.a aYou had your moments,a he admitted. He ran a slim and elegantly smooth finger along the skin at the back of her hand, and she felt a shiver of something running over her skin. Not unpleasant, she noted, though a little stronger than she would expect. aYou do seem inclined to stir things up. Iad love to do it all over again, only with less of an audience.a aYou have my number,a she said to him, reclaiming her hand.

aDr. Addams,a he said, bowing to her, aI certainly do.a Jaguar, looking over his head, could see Emily watching. Ethan watched where her gaze went, and smiled first at one woman, then the other. He shrugged lightly, turned, and went back to Emily, whose casual hand on his arm had something of a grip to it.

Jaguar was glad not to be a fly on their bedroom wall tonighta"if they were sharing walls, which she a.s.sumed was the case. She let them get ahead of her by a few minutes, and when she left the restaurant, since it was close enough to the University, she decided to walk over and check her messages before going home.

She walked alone, a fine cool mist against her cheek to remind her that autumn would turn to winter with alacrity around here. A campus security car trailed by her, then sped away when she waved, indicating that she was fine, and carried no weapons. At least none that they could spot. Reflexively, she felt for the gla.s.s knife at her wrist, and was comforted by its presence. Shead learned to get at it quickly, no matter what coat sleeve or shirtsleeve she wore. She walked up the road, taking the quarter mile to humanities and her office rapidly, then stopping for a minute before she entered the building.

Quiet. All quiet. The evening cla.s.ses were over by at least a quarter of an hour, and everyone except the maintenance people were gone. The building doors were still open, though, and she went inside, took the stairs to her office, took her key out for her office door.

Then she stood still.

The halls were dimly lit this time of night, but she saw someone at the far end. Someone who stood. Watching?

ah.e.l.lo?a she asked.

aJust me,a a voice said in response.

She realized she was tense when she felt herself relax.

aLeonard,a she said. aWorking late?a aForgot a bunch of papers I need to go over. You?a aJust checking my mail,a she said, and bent over to put the lock in the key.

But she didnat need it The door was open already. A crack of light showed through. She straightened up and frowned at it. Leonard, reaching her, stood looking over her shoulder.

aUh-oh,a he said. aExpecting company?a She put a hand out, pushed at the door, watched it open.

Her office was empty, but the lights were on, and her computer was humming. She walked over to it, and checked the screen, which was open to the faculty bulletin board.

There, written in a fanciful font, boldface, and eighteen-point, were four words.

MIND f.u.c.kER GO HOME.

Then, in parentheses, unless you want to end up like the gone girls.

Leonard peered over her shoulder. ad.a.m.n,a he said. aThatas not good.a And of course there was no return address because it was typed as an unsent outgoing message right from her computer rather than sent to her from somewhere else. Ironic, she thought, when it was actually safer to be physically present at the scene of a crime than to be at your computer.

Anyone could have done this. Keys to doors were so easy to get hold of, and there was a master key in the main office that hung on a hook in the open for anyoneas use, since faculty were so frequently losing or forgetting their own. It could have been any faculty or student, or maintenance staff or stranger.

She let her hand hover over the keyboard, hoping to pick up residual information from the hand that touched them. But they were cold and lifeless. Nothing to read there. She let her finger drop onto the delete b.u.t.ton, and the message went away.

aHey,a Leonard said. aDonat you want toa"a aWant to what?a she cut in, more harshly than she meant to. aTell someone? Show someone? Draw a little more attention to myself? That seems like a bad idea to me.a She hit the off command. aRight now all I want to do is go to sleep. So if youall excuse me, I think itas time to say good night.a Leonard stepped out of her way, let her get out and close her door, but he remained standing in the hall, shaking his head as her back retreated into the night.

Planetoid Three, Toronto Replica The research offices, in a building two down from where Alex worked, were humming with genteel activity. Alex walked into the reception room and gave his name to a young woman who worked at looking studiously attentive. Then he took a seat on a plush mauve couch and stared at a generic abstract designed to match the color and style of the carpet.

People walked in and out, ignoring him. He waited and stared, trying to see beyond the tinted window that kept him from fully viewing who and what moved in the office behind the receptionist. A particular form caught his eye. A man, about his age, about his height. He turned, and Alex saw his face. He could put a name to it.

aRich?a he asked n.o.body.

He stood up, and walked to the door of the office, going behind the receptionist and ignoring her when she said he couldnat do that. He rapped sharply on the door and opened it. The three men and one woman in the room turned to him.

One of them opened his mouth and gaped.

aRich Forrest,a Alex said, extending his hand. an.o.body told me you were with this crowd.a aJesus Christmas,a Rich said, moving to him, taking his hand, and pumping it. aI didnat know either. Jesus Christmas,a he repeated. aWhatare you doing here? Sit down. Sit down.a He motioned Alex into a seat and waved to the others. aOha"Sally, this is Alex Dzarnya"Sally Manta. Roger Harrison. Zach Ulesti. Harvard, New York U, and Berkeley respectively. We were in the army together. Way long time ago, right?a He slapped Alex on the shoulder.

aNice of you to put it that way. Whatare youa"Ivory Tower now?a aYeah. Well, the army put me out to pasture about ten years ago, and I had to go somewhere,a Rich said. aI teach psychology to spoiled Princeton kids. And youarea"a aSupervisor for Zone 12. Youare on my turf, Forrest. Iam your boss.a Richas mouth dropped open again. aYou work here? On this pie in the sky?a aThatas right. And everything you do, I get to know about. Like old times, isnat it?a aJust like it, buddy,a he said. And the two men laughed.

aSoa"where do you start with us?a Rich asked. aWant access to our files? Our women?a Alex smiled hard. aNot yet. Maybe, if I find out too many of you are Pentagon types.a He paused for laughter, which took a moment to work itself up. Interesting, he thought, and went on. aToday, Iam just supposed to see if you need anything, how youare settling in.a aOh, weare fine. You know what our research is?a Ulesti joined in.

aProfiles, I was told. And comparative gender stats.a aYup. Thatas two areas. Thereas two others. You want the tour?a aSure,a Alex said. aLove it.a Ulesti nodded at Rich, who did not nod in return. Alex thought more was said between them than just who would lead the tour, but he was suspicious of ex-army on principle, so it might just have been his principles acting up.