Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? Part 10

We hastily a.s.sured her that it was just our unfunny, pejorative nickname for the train, and that, based on the empirical evidence we had gathered so far, real rapists didn't traditionally attack two girls at once at seven in the morning, and that we were the real creeps, and we were sorry.

Sally looked displeased. "It's not a very funny thing to joke about," she said. "It's extremely inappropriate." She turned and left.

We were horrified. Later that morning, Rachel and I both got notes saying Sally wanted to see us in her office.

"She's going to fire us for s.e.xual hara.s.sment!" Rachel worried.

I was freaked out. s.e.xual hara.s.sment was a real thing. You can't just joke about rape at work. We had endured a lengthy s.e.xual hara.s.sment seminar on how fireable this behavior was. Sarah Silverman could make jokes about rape because, the fact of the matter was, she was much funnier and cuter than us. This was the problem of living in a postSarah Silverman world: lots of young women holding the scepter of inappropriateness did not know how to wield it.

I began wondering what I would tell my parents about getting fired. It would be embarra.s.sing, especially since I had just bought my mother an expensive pair of Uggs with my new money. They were "I've Made It!" Uggs. I didn't know how I would tell them. I figured I could conceivably go three weeks without their noticing, living off graduation cash my aunt and uncle had given me. After that, I was toast.

When we were called in, we found Sally waiting with Joel, the head of Human Resources. Joel had a really tough job, because, as anyone knows, it's absolutely terrifying when someone from Human Resources is meeting you for any professional reason. Even if Joel simply wanted to share your table in the break room to enjoy a cup of coffee, you cringed a little. "Oh G.o.d, is Joel going to tell me my dental care is no longer covered?" I pretty much could only handle Joel for the ten minutes he was sitting with me going over my start paperwork. Then I never wanted to see him again. He's a lot like the Toby character from The Office.

Our situation looked bad. Now we would not only get fired and escorted immediately out of the building by security, but what we'd done would go in our Permanent Files, following us from job interview to job interview, ruining our careers.

"Girls," Sally said, "I took what you said very seriously this morning."

I was already making distancing body language from Rachel in my chair. I didn't want them to think we were attached at the hip. You could fire Rachel and keep me! I'm a minority!

"We want a town car to transport you to and from work. We can't have you be unsafe."

I couldn't believe it. Being potentially litigious young women had just landed us free car service to and from work, as though we were investment bankers. My inappropriate, unfunny remarks were getting us special treatment rather than fired. I felt like Ferris Bueller.

It actually cost the studio more to transport us by town car than it did to pay us. Everyone was instantly jealous. People began sucking up to us, hoping to wheedle a ride home in our town car. I treated that car like an interborough shuttle for all my friends. This is when I learned that crime pays. From Dartmouth to Dirtbag!

Best Friend Rights and

Responsibilities

FOR ALMOST EIGHT years I lived with my best friends in either a cramped college dorm room or a small Brooklyn apartment. Normally these are the circ.u.mstances that drive one roommate to get engaged to some random guy super fast because she is so annoyed with her living situation. We managed it well, however, because we maintained an informal best friend code of conduct. I've outlined its most vital aspects here.

I CAN BORROW ALL YOUR CLOTHES

Anything in your closet, no matter how fancy, is co-owned by me, your best friend. I can borrow it for as long as I want. If I get something on it or lose it, I should make all good faith attempts to get it cleaned or buy you a new one, but I don't need to do that, and you still have to love me. If I ruin something of yours and don't replace it, you're allowed to talk s.h.i.t about me to our other friends for one calendar year. That's it. Then you have to get over it. One stipulation to my borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item at least once before I borrow it. I'm not a monster.

WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED

If we're on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there's a bed bigger than a twin, we're partnering up. It is super weird for us not to share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?

I MUST BE 100 PERCENT HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK, BUT GENTLE

Your boyfriend is never going to tell you that your skirt is too tight and riding up too high on you. In fact, you shouldn't even have asked him, poor guy. He wants to have s.e.x with you no matter how pudgy you are. I am the only person besides your mom who has the right (and responsibility) to tell you that. I should never be overly harsh when something doesn't look good on you, because I know you are fragile about this, and so am I. I will employ the gentle, vague expression "I'm not crazy about that on you," which should mean to you "Holy s.h.i.t, take that off, that looks terrible!" I owe it to you to give feedback like a cattle prod: painful but quick.

I CAN DITCH YOU, WITHIN REASON

I can ditch you to hang out with a guy but only if that possibility has been discussed and getting-a-ride-home practicalities have been worked out, prior to the event. In return, I need to talk about you a lot with that guy so he knows how much I love you.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID IF YOU DIE

I can't even write about this, it's too sad. But yes, I will do that. And you will have one awesome little kid who hears endless stories about how amazing and beautiful and perfect you were. Incidentally, your kid will grow up loving Indian food.

I WILL NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH

If you are crippled with pain because of a UTI, I need to haul a.s.s to CVS to get you some medicine, fast. I should also try to pick up a fashion magazine and the candy you like, because distracting you from your pain is part of nursing you back to health.

WE WILL TRADE OFF BEING SOCIAL ACTIVITIES CHAIR FOR OUR OUTINGS

On trips together, I promise to man up and be the person who drives the rental car sometimes, or uses my credit card and has people pay me back later. Someone needs to check on Yelp to see what the good brunch place is. Neither of us gets to be the princess all the time. I get that.