Irish Wonders Part 17

if the charm 'ud work right. But Dooley didn't let a word out av his jaw, as knowin' he'd nade all his breath afther gettin' into the coort.

"At the rise o' the hill the pursesshun was met be about a hunderd o' the town boys that come out fur to view thim, an' that yelled at Dooley how the widdys were waitin' to tare him in paces, an' that he was as good as a dead man a'ready, so he was; an' whin they got into town, all the men jined the show, roarin' wid laughter an' shoutin' at Dooley that the judge cudn't do anny more than hang him at wanst, an' to shtand it like a hayro, bekase they'd all be at the hangin' an' come to the wake besides an' have a tundherin' big time. But he answered thim niver a word, so they all wint on to the coort, an' in, bringin' the other half o' the town wid 'em, the faymale half bein' there kapin' comp'ny wid the widdys.

"The minnit they come nie the dure, all the widdys an' wimmin begun in wan breath to make raimarks on thim.

"'A-a-a-ah, the hang-dog face he has,' says Missis McMurthry. 'Sure hasn't he the look av a shape-thief on the road to the gallus?'

"'See the haythen vagabone,' says the Widdy Mulligan. 'If I had me tin fingers on him for five minnits, it's all the satiswhackshun I'd ax. Bad cess to the hair I'd lave on the head av him or in his whushkers aither.'

"But the Widdy O'Donnell only cried, an' all the wimmin turned their noses up whin they seen Miss Rooney comin' in.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "OULD ROONEY AN' PADDY BLAGGARDIN' THE CONSTHABLE IVERY FUT O' THE WAY."]

"OULD ROONEY AN' PADDY BLAGGARDIN' THE CONSTHABLE IVERY FUT O' THE WAY."

"'Look at that owld thing,' says they. 'Phat a power av impidince! Mind the consate av her to be comin' here wid him. Sure she hasn't the shame av a shtone monkey,' says they av her.

"'Silence in the coort,' says the shur'f. 'Stop that laughin' be the dure.

Git along down out o' thim windys,' says he to the mob that Dooley an' the consthable brought wid thim.

"'Misther Dooley,' says the judge, 'I'm axed to b'lave ye're thryin' to marry four wimmin at wanst, three av the same aforeshed bein' widdys an'

the other wan not. Is it thrue, or do ye plade not guilty?' says he.

"'It's not thrue, yer Lordshap,' says Dooley, shpakin' up, bekase he seen he was in for it an' put on a bowld face. 'Thim widdys is crazy to get a husband, an' misconsayved the manin' o' me words,' says he, an' that minnit you'd think a faymale lunattic ashylum broke loose in the coort.

"They all gabbled at wanst like a field av crows. They said he was a haythen, a Toork, a vulgar shpalpeen, a lyin' blaggard, a uppresser av the widdy, a robber av the orphin, he was worse than a nagur, he was, so he was, an' they niver thought av belavin' him, nor av marryin' him aither till he axed thim, an' so on.

"The judge was a married man himself an' knewn it was no use thryin' to shtop the gostherin,' for it was a joke av him to say that the differ bechuxt a woman an' a book was you cud shut up a book, so he let thim go on till they were spint an' out o' breath an' shtopped o' thimselves like an owld clock that's run down.

"'The sintince av this coort, Misther Dooley, is, that ye marry wan av 'em an' make compinsation to the other wans in a payc.o.o.nyary way be payin'

thim siven poun' aitch.'

"'Have marcy, yer Lordshap,' says Dooley, bekase he seen himself shtripped av all he had. 'Make it five poun', an' that's more than I've got in money.'

"'Siven pound, not a haporth less,' says the judge. 'If ye haven't the money ye can pay it in projuice. An' make yer chice bechune the wimmin who ye'll marry, as it's married ye'll be this blessed day, bekase ye've gone too long a'ready,' says the judge, very starn, an' thin the widdys all got quite, an' begun to be sorry they gev him so many hard names.

"'Is it wan o' the widdys must I marry?' says Dooley, axin' the judge, an'

the charm in his coller beginnin' to work hard an' remind him av Miss Rooney, that was settin' on wan side, trimblin'.

"'Tare an' 'ouns,' says the judge. 'Bad luck to ye, ye onmannerly idjit,'

as he was gettin' vexed wid Dooley, that was shtandin', scrotchin' the head av him like he was thryin' to encourage his brains. 'Wasn't it wan o'

the wimmin that I tould ye to take?' says he.

"'If that's phat yer Lordshap says, axin' yer pardin an' not mis...o...b..in'

ye, if it's plazin' to ye, bedad, I'll take the owld maid, bekase thim widdys have got a sight av young wans, an' childher are like toothpicks, ivery man wants his own an' not another felly's.' But he had another razon that he towld to me afther; says he, 'If I've got to have a famly, be jakers, I want to have the raisin' av it meself,' an' my blessin' on him for that same.

"But whin he was spakin' an' said he'd take Miss Rooney, wid that word she fainted away fur dead, an' was carried out o' the coort be her father an'

Paddy.

"So it was settled, an' as Dooley didn't have the money, the widdys aggrade to take their pay some other way. The Widdy Mulligan tuk the pitaties he was diggin' whin the polisman gripped him, as she said they'd kape the inn all winter. The Widdy McMurthry got his hay, which come convaynient, bekase her brother kep post horses an' tuk the hay av her at two shillins undher the market. Missis O'Donnell got the cow that made all the throuble be goin' dhry at the wrong time, an' bein' it was a good cow was vally'd at tin poun'; so she gev him three poun', an' was to sind him the calf whin it was weaned. So the widdys were all paid for bein' wounded in their hearts be Misther Dooley, an' a good bargain they made av it, bekase a widdy's affections are like garden weeds, the more ye thrample thim the fasther they grow.

"Misther Dooley got Miss Rooney, an' she a husband, fur they pulled her out av her faint wid a bucket o' wather, an' the last gossoon in town wint from the coort to the chapel wid Miss Rooney an' Misther Dooley, the latther cra.s.sin' himself ivery minnit an' blessin' G.o.d ivery step he tuk that it wasn't the jail he was goin' to, an' they were married there wid a roarin' crowd waitin' in the strate fur to show thim home. But they sarc.u.mvinted thim, bekase they wint out the back way an' through Father O'Donohue's garden, an' so home, lavin' the mob howlin' before the chapel dure like wild Ingines.

"An' that's the way the owld maid defated three widdys, that isn't often done, no more would she have done it but for owld Moll an' the charm in Dooley's coat. But he's very well plazed, an' that I know, for afther me first wife died, her I was tellin' ye av, I got the roomytics in me back like tin t'ousand divils clawin' at me backbone, an' I made me mind up that I'd get another wife, bekase I wanted me back rubbed, sence it 'ull be chaper, says I, to marry some wan to rub it than to pay a boy to do that same. So I was lookin' roun' an' met Misther Dooley an' spake av it to him, an' good luck it 'ud have been if I'd tuk his advice, but I didn't, bein' surrounded be a widdy afther, that's rubbed me back well fur me only wid a shtick. But says he to me, 'Take you my advice Misther Magwire, an' whin ye marry, get you an owld maid, if there's wan to be had in the counthry. Gurruls is flighty an' axpectin' too much av ye, an'

widdys is greedy buzzards as ye've seen be my axpayrience, but owld maids is humble, an' thankful for gettin' a husband at all, G.o.d bless 'em, so they shtrive to plaze an' do as ye bid thim widout grumblin' or axin'

throublesome questions.'"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "A good bargain they made av it"]