Impetuous. Part 16

He stood slowly, his eyes drifting over her jogging suit in obvious distaste. "You were out jogging."

"Very astute of you. What gave me away? The suit itself or the fact that I just returned, still huffing?" She was trembling inside and her stomach was tied in knots, but she hid it well, knowing she'd rather die than have him know how badly he'd hurt her.

Tyler tilted his head, studying her warily. "I thought we should talk."

Carlie bent over, placing her hands on her thighs. It looked as though she was trying to catch her breath, but in truth she needed a moment to regain her emotional balance. She hadn't expected to see him again this soon. She wasn't ready. The fact that Tyler was here, so near and looking so handsome made the ch.o.r.e of feigning nonchalance that much more difficult. She drew one last deep breath and straightened.

"I'm sorry, I really can't right now. It's a bad time for me. Papers to grade, lessons to plan. And I have a few phone calls to make." She smiled politely.

"Carlie..."

"Yes?"

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Things didn't go exactly as I planned the other day. It took me by surprise-"

"That's putting a pretty face on it, Tyler. It shocked the h.e.l.l out of you. And enraged you. And I understand completely. I probably would have felt the same. But I've already apologized. There's nothing more I can do. I can't change what's already been done. Believe me, I wish I could."

"What would you change, honey?"

Oh, that tone, so sweet and gentle. Carlie forced herself to stand just a little straighter. "All of it, of course. From the day Brenda invited me to that stupid party, to yesterday. I'd erase it all." She smiled at him serenely, hoping to put him at ease with her declaration. But it cost her. Her stomach felt so tight now, she feared she might throw up.

Tyler had probably come over with some vague notion that she might pursue him. She'd die first.

He touched her cheek briefly. "Then I'll be eternally grateful you don't possess magic powers. Because I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with you for anything." He waited a moment, then added softly, "I don't really believe you would, either, Carlie."

CHAPTER TEN.

Oh, G.o.d, oh, G.o.d. He couldn't know that. Carlie summoned a smile, but her serenity had about run out. "You're wrong."

"I've been wrong about a lot of things."

Her eyes widened behind the lenses of her gla.s.ses, and she pressed a hand dramatically to her heart. "No! Not you, Tyler! Say it isn't so, or all my grand delusions will blow away in the wind."

"Dammit, Carlie..."

She chuckled. The sound was just a bit rusty, but convincing, all the same. "Go home, Tyler. It's cold out here, too cold to stand around trading recriminations." She went up the steps, fishing her key out of her pocket.

Carlie went inside and then turned to tell Tyler goodbye. He didn't give her the chance. Pushing his way through, he was over the threshold before Carlie could voice a complaint.

He didn't smile. He closed the door and leaned against it, watching her.

Warily, she faced him. "What are you doing?"

Tyler hesitated, then shrugged. "I can help you grade your papers. I still owe you, don't I?"

"I don't remember. But I'd rather you didn't. I don't have time to be distracted."

He came away from the door. "Do I distract you, Carlie?"

She blinked at him, then laughed. "Turn your hormones off, Tyler. I was referring to your inane chatter."

"You can't be that indifferent to me, Carlie. I was there that night, too, you know. I recall perfectly everything that happened between us."

Carlie moved away from the heat of his gaze. It was almost tangible, covering her in waves, penetrating her flesh. She sauntered as casually as possible to the kitchen, Tyler following.

She pulled out a chair and lowered herself into it, while all the time her mind was working furiously. This time, it wasn't as easy to affect a carefree air. Her feelings were even more deeply involved now than when she'd first got divorced. She wasn't a kid who had been disillusioned. And her feelings for Tyler surpa.s.sed infatuation.

When Tyler automatically sat opposite her, she regarded him seriously. "Maybe we should talk."

He seemed relieved. "Yes. I want to explain-"

"Let me go first, Tyler." Her heart was racing, her breath was shallow, but she knew she had to have her say and get it over with as cleanly as possible. Even though it cost her, she leaned forward and placed her hand over his. He couldn't know how hurt she was. Pride was all she had left.

Tyler turned his palm upward, clasping her fingers. "Tyler," she started uncertainly, "what happened between us was nice. I'll grant you that." His eyes narrowed, and she released his hand. "Don't interrupt, please. I want you to understand. It was nice, and I believe I already thanked you. But it won't happen again. Ever."

"I don't believe you."

"Then once again, I'm sorry. But it's true. If you're determined for us to remain friends, that's fine with me. I like you. You're a good person and you're a lot of fun. But I won't sleep with you again. s.e.x isn't on my agenda. It was an aberration that we got together at all. Call it temporary insanity, and the key word there is 'temporary.'"

"People can't just turn off their emotions, Carlie. You were with me every step of the way that night, and it was a d.a.m.ned sight more than 'nice.' h.e.l.l, it was more than s.e.x, more than anything I've ever known before. It won't go away."

"There's where you're wrong, Tyler. I can make it go away. I can turn off my feelings with a snap of my fingers. I can do anything I put my mind to. And right now, I'm sending you home." She stood, but Tyler didn't budge. Carlie couldn't believe he'd thought she would abide a casual affair. Without mutual caring between them, it was impossible. But obviously, Tyler didn't realize that. It was just as obvious he didn't know her at all.

He eyed her speculatively. "Is that what you're trying to do now? Turn off your feelings, close off your heart. That's no way to live, honey."

Carlie definitely didn't want Tyler Ramsey rummaging around in her head, trying to decipher what made her click. She gave him a sardonic smile, reminiscent of the Carlie he met so long ago. "Wait, I think I can unearth some violin music around here somewhere to go with all this melodrama." She shook her head, "It's the only way to live, Tyler. At least, for me."

Tyler looked down at his clasped hands resting on the tabletop. "I don't think you can do it, Carlie. I think we shared something very special. It may not have been what either of us is used to, but it was still wonderful, almost explosive. And erotic." He slowly raised his gaze, locking it with hers. "Someday, I'd like to see you in that harem costume again. I swear, I get aroused just thinking about it."

Carlie's head snapped back as if he'd slapped her. She tried to compose herself, but vivid, humiliating images were suddenly whirling through her mind. Her voice was a croak as she tried to regain control. "I want you to leave now, Tyler. I mean it."

He came slowly to his feet, his eyes on her pale face. "Before I screwed things up, I think you would have laughed if I suggested that. I'll get you to laugh again, Carlie. I'm not going to let you run away from me like this."

Carlie snorted, recovering slightly with his calm, arrogant statement. "I don't run from anyone. Not anymore. But I'll be up-front with you. If you persist in making s.e.xual innuendos, I won't a.s.sociate with you. I mean it."

Tyler tried that word out on his tongue. "a.s.sociate? Hmm. Sounds suspiciously like a business relationship."

"Or a casual friendship. The choice is yours." It took all Carlie's resolve to maintain eye contact. His eyes appeared almost black with emotion. He looked very tired.

Tyler gave her a gentle, sincere smile. "If the choice was mine, we'd be back in bed right now, everything else forgotten."

Carlie went rigid. "You were wrong, Tyler. I detest your outrageousness. Now please leave."

He scrutinized her. "Talk to me about your divorce."

He was changing subjects as she'd wanted, but she didn't like this new direction at all. She stared at him, annoyed. "Why?"

"I want to understand. And despite all your dictums, I care about you. I'm beginning to realize I always will."

Her heart took a giant leap, but she repressed the feeling his statement incited. She looked at him with indifference, hoping she was masking her reaction. She couldn't be that big a fool. Not again.

"Will you tell me about him, Carlie?" Then Tyler shook his head, his look almost apologetic. "Let me put that another way. I'm not leaving until you do."

Hiding her exasperation was no mean feat. But she did, because to try to deny him would only cause him to dig deeper, she knew. Tyler could be very stubborn on occasion. She shrugged and went to the refrigerator to pull out a soda, without offering him one. It was a deliberate act of rudeness, but to her chagrin, Tyler merely fetched his own, then sat, watching her expectantly.

Carlie crossed her legs and propped one elbow on the table. "I met him in college. He was one of the 'popular ones,' if you know what I mean. I was a n.o.body. I worked my way through college, and there was very little time for a social life. It took most of my time just keeping my grades up and working enough hours to make ends meet. I was flattered that he paid attention to me. We spent my last year there dating off and on.

"In spite of the time I'd been seeing him, I guess I didn't really know him. Things between us were pretty casual, and he dated other women, too, not just me. But when I graduated, he asked me to marry him, and I agreed. You see, my grandfather had already told me not to come home. And my brother...he never kept in touch. I was pretty much...alone." She smiled, feeling somewhat foolish for pointing out so many details in her defense. It didn't matter what Tyler thought. At least it shouldn't. "I wanted a family. I wanted someone to want me. I thought he did. Pretty dumb reason to get married, isn't it?"

"It's a h.e.l.l of a lot more reasonable than some I've heard. So go on. When did things start to go wrong?"

"About ten minutes after I said, 'I do.' We'd gotten married at a justice of the peace. It was a package deal, one of those that included a night at a honeymoon cabin. We went there directly."

Tyler was starting to get an idea where the story was going, Carlie surmised, when he began to scowl at her. "You were a virgin?"

She gazed down at her soda can, running her finger around the rim. It was tough to get the words out, remembering how naive she'd been. "Yes. So I didn't understand that it wasn't supposed to hurt so much. His lovemaking was...crude. And rough." Her eyes found his. "It wasn't at all like what you showed me. I hated it. But he said it was normal. I was totally ignorant of men and I wanted to be reasonable, so I accepted his explanations. Only it didn't get any better."

Tyler lunged from his chair, nearly overturning it. He paced across the room, keeping his back to Carlie.

She spoke mildly, as if it didn't matter one way or the other. "If you'd rather not hear this now, I'll understand." The truth was, she couldn't believe she was actually telling him. She hadn't shared intimate details of her past with anyone, not even Brenda. But in a way, it felt good to talk about it, to say things out loud. She drew a deep breath, then looked at Tyler again.

He was watching her closely. After a few seconds, he resumed his seat. "Go on."

His expression was rigid and his eyes blazed despite his obvious effort at control. Carlie couldn't help herself. She felt a genuine smile pull at her lips. "So outraged on my behalf?"

"I'd dearly love to get my hands on him."

He said it so levelly, with so much gravity, Carlie believed him. She was shocked. Without thinking, she patted his arm. "Relax. It wasn't all that bad."

Tyler growled at her. "Don't lie to me, Carlie, ever."

"You mean 'ever again,' don't you?"

"I don't consider your little masquerade at the pool house lying."

Her eyes widened, he seemed so sincere. "You don't?"

"No. You would have told me the whole of it soon enough, if I hadn't jumped the gun and been such a jerk. Now quit dodging the topic and finish your story."

"All right. The first time I really complained, he said it was my fault. He blamed me completely, excusing himself by saying I didn't respond the way I should. He said I should act more like a woman, and dress up a little more. I tried. I always tried to do what he told me to do. It...just didn't work. I couldn't be...ready as quickly as he wanted, and he would get angry, and...it was a fiasco."

"It wasn't your fault."

He was so vehement, so sure, Carlie felt comforted, despite herself. She nodded. "I know that. Now. But I believed him when he said I was frigid. And I couldn't see making him abstain just because something was wrong with me. I...tolerated him, which only made matters worse. After a while, we grew so distant, I decided it wasn't worth having a home or family or husband if I had to put up with the s.e.x."

She didn't say another word until Tyler prompted her. "So you asked for a divorce?" He sounded impatient, and she swallowed the hurt that always swamped her whenever she thought of those times.

She shook her head. "I felt so guilty. But then I came home early one day, and I caught him in bed with another woman. She didn't appear to be having any difficulty enjoying him. He wasn't overly concerned that I found them, either. In fact, he seemed almost proud. I think he needed to prove to me that it wasn't him. That it was me, and only me, that caused the problem."

"And you believed him."

It was a statement, and Tyler sounded somehow disappointed with her deduction. She sighed. "What was I supposed to think? I certainly didn't have anything to compare with. But I was more than ready for the divorce. The only problem was, he didn't want it. He was very possessive of me, and he fought the divorce for a long time. He hounded me for so long, I had to move to get away from him. Looking back, I think it would have been impossible for him to accept any part of the blame. It would have been a mark against his masculinity. I can almost understand him, now. But then...I just wanted out."

"And when you finally got out, you decided you never wanted in again, is that it?"

Carlie tried to draw forth some of the energy she'd been feeling earlier. She needed it now to get her through the next few minutes. It was emotionally debilitating discussing her past, but even more so discussing it with Tyler. She didn't want him to look at her with pity, to feel sorry for the naive, foolish, young woman she'd been.

She angled her head proudly, refusing to turn away from his probing gaze. Surprisingly, she didn't see pity in his eyes. Just determination. "I'm strong, Tyler. I don't need a man. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I dress to please myself, and I work at a job I enjoy. What I can't get on my own, I don't really need."

"I understand what you're saying, Carlie. But everyone needs other people. You can't just close yourself off."

She stood again. "I can. I did. I finally got that divorce, finally got my freedom, and I don't intend to ever put myself in that position again. It was difficult and stupid, relying on someone else for my happiness. But I'm intelligent enough to remember the lesson, even if I occasionally have a memory lapse."

Tyler stood also, looking very intent. He took a small step toward her. "What we have is more than a memory lapse, sweetheart. And I'm going to prove it to you."

Carlie stiffened. "You're going to go home." Her words were firm and unrelenting.

"Yes. But I'll be back." She relaxed slightly at his easy compliance. Then he continued. "You have to accept that I'm not like him, Carlie."

A rush of soft laughter escaped her. "Don't you think I know that? You're nothing like him. But I'm still myself. And I can't change."

A smile twitched on his lips. "You change so often, I can't keep up with you. I'm only beginning to discover who Carlie McDaniels is."

"Don't be ridiculous. I've told you who I am."

He shook his head. "You don't know yourself, honey, so how could you tell me?" Then he cupped her cheeks in his palms, holding her gently captive. Against her lips, he breathed, "We'll find her together, Carlie. I promise."

His kiss was light and filled with tenderness, a mere brushing of his lips. Then he turned to go. Carlie didn't say a word. What was there to say? He'd find out soon enough she was exactly who she seemed to be. And then he'd leave her alone. She was strong enough to wait him out.

At least, she hoped she was.

Tyler would be showing up any minute. She'd spent her morning girding herself for the impact of seeing him again. He hadn't canceled on the school project, so she would have to continue working with him. But she was ready.

He sauntered onto the gym floor with his usual air of confidence, and several of the children ran to greet him. Lucy had taken a particular liking to him, and when she threw her arms around him, he tugged on one of her braids.

Tyler took a few minutes to address the other kids, talking with each one, asking about school, joking and teasing and being teased in return.

Carlie felt herself softening. Whoever would have thought Tyler would show so much understanding with children? And it was innate, she was sure, not something that could be summoned forth at will. Children knew if an adult really liked them. And Tyler truly cared about the children.