I'm Just Here For The Food Part 20

An inexpensive, dime-store item, the spray bottle is handy to have around. And when you buy one, buy three. One for oil, one for vinegar, and one for cleaning solution (and mark them clearly). Spritz a pan, dress a salad, and clean up with ease.

Side Towels

Last, but not least, side towels. These gems are simple, inexpensive things that make work in the kitchen much more pleasurable. A quick wipe with a damp one cleans your work s.p.a.ce in a jiff and more importantly, a dry one makes for the perfect protective device when reaching for a hot handle. They're little things that make a big difference.

Cleanliness is Next to...

The word sanitation comes from the Latin sanitas sanitas and it doesn't mean garbage man, it means "health." As it applies to food, sanitation means keeping food safe for the eater. A discussion on food and cooking that ignores sanitation is like a discussion on mountain climbing that omits the mention of ropes. Cooking is fun, but not if you or someone you've fed ends up sick. and it doesn't mean garbage man, it means "health." As it applies to food, sanitation means keeping food safe for the eater. A discussion on food and cooking that ignores sanitation is like a discussion on mountain climbing that omits the mention of ropes. Cooking is fun, but not if you or someone you've fed ends up sick.41 Right now, your kitchen is a veritable megalopolis of microscopic organisms, and your refrigerator is downtown Germville. That's just the way it is, and you're just going to have to deal with it. Oh sure, you can write your congressman or you can protest to industry-or you can take responsibility for your own safety. Besides, who do you think is going to take care of you and yours?

a. You You b. b. Politicians Politicians c. c. Big business Big business d. d. None of the above None of the above

If you answered b b or or c c, you'd better start saving up sick days, and if you said d d you'd better just eat out . . . no, strike that: most restaurant workers know even less about food safety than you do. If you answered you'd better just eat out . . . no, strike that: most restaurant workers know even less about food safety than you do. If you answered a a, you're darned tootin'.

GOT BLEACH?.

When it comes to cleaning up, I bet you have just what you need even without resorting to fancy specialized products. Got bleach? It's found in four out of five U.S. households, has been a staple for ages, and hasn't changed a hair since its introduction in 1916. Household bleach (including Clorox) is not chlorine. It contains no more chlorine than table salt. And it kills germs. Bleach, however, can be an irritant to both skin and eyes, so it makes good sense to use a spray bottle.Whatever tools I handled (including knives and the cutting board) get rinsed with a sanitizing solution composed of 1 teaspoons Clorox bleach per pint of water. teaspoons Clorox bleach per pint of water. Campylobacter jujuni, Campylobacter jujuni, an especially nasty germ, differs from an especially nasty germ, differs from salmonella salmonella, which requires a large colony to make you sick, because C. jujuni C. jujuni can do it with just a handful of organisms. The American Red Cross recommends cup of chlorine bleach per 1 gallon of water. Clorox, a sodium hypochlorite bleach (which breaks down into little more than salt water once it's done its killing/cleaning), breaks down the proteins in cell walls, rendering bacteria and the like good and dead. When I'm done in the kitchen, I spritz all the surfaces (and the clean cutting board) lightly with the same solution and leave it to dry (See notes on can do it with just a handful of organisms. The American Red Cross recommends cup of chlorine bleach per 1 gallon of water. Clorox, a sodium hypochlorite bleach (which breaks down into little more than salt water once it's done its killing/cleaning), breaks down the proteins in cell walls, rendering bacteria and the like good and dead. When I'm done in the kitchen, I spritz all the surfaces (and the clean cutting board) lightly with the same solution and leave it to dry (See notes on Cutting Boards Cutting Boards).

Bad Bugs

There are zillions of different microorganisms in, on, and around food, but the ones that can render ill those who consume them are in a club all their own. They are the pathogens and they come in five basic flavors: bacteria, viruses, parasites, molds, and yeasts. The last two actually play a crucial role in much food and beverage production, but they can also spoil food (though they rarely make us sick). Viruses can make you very sick indeed, but since they can only survive in living tissue, they only rear their ugly little heads in sh.e.l.lfish.42 Parasites such as Parasites such as Trichinella spiralis Trichinella spiralis in pork used to be a problem but have been all but eradicated in swine populations through proper feed management. Bacteria are by far the most troublesome and include the big three: in pork used to be a problem but have been all but eradicated in swine populations through proper feed management. Bacteria are by far the most troublesome and include the big three: Salmonella Salmonella, E. coli E. coli, and Clostridium botulinum Clostridium botulinum, the instigator of botulism. The first two set up shop in our digestive tracts and wreak havoc. The third is itself actually harmless, but its waste is a potent toxin that loves to attack respiratory systems.43

Although individual needs differ, most microorganisms require: * Water* Food* A pH between 4.6 and 7* Temperature between 40 and 140 F (known hereafter as "the Zone")* Air (though some, like botulinum botulinum, do not)

The water water content of any food is referred to as its "water activity." Most-but not all-bacteria, molds, yeasts, and the like require a relatively damp environment, which is why meats and fresh vegetables spoil quickly, while dry goods don't. content of any food is referred to as its "water activity." Most-but not all-bacteria, molds, yeasts, and the like require a relatively damp environment, which is why meats and fresh vegetables spoil quickly, while dry goods don't.

Food for microorganisms can be anything from nearly pure sugar (as in the case of mold on jam) or protein (meat). In any case, the food has to be dissolved in water in order for bacteria to digest it; cured hams can hang around a smokehouse for a couple of years without rotting. for microorganisms can be anything from nearly pure sugar (as in the case of mold on jam) or protein (meat). In any case, the food has to be dissolved in water in order for bacteria to digest it; cured hams can hang around a smokehouse for a couple of years without rotting.44 PH refers to the acidity of a given substance. The scale goes from 0 to 14, with 1 being eat-your-face-off acidic (remember the acid scene in refers to the acidity of a given substance. The scale goes from 0 to 14, with 1 being eat-your-face-off acidic (remember the acid scene in The Fly The Fly?) and 14 being eat-your-face-off alkaline (remember the lye scene in Fight Club Fight Club?). Limes rate a 2, baking soda rates an 8.1, and distilled water is dead neutral at 7. Almost all foods are slightly acidic, which is just what bacteria like. But they don't like an environment under a pH of 4.6, which is why raw fish prepared ceviche-style will keep a heck of a lot longer than raw fish that's, well, raw. Which is not to say that you'd want to leave ceviche hanging around that long (see Acid Acid).

THE ZONE.

The temperature range from 40 to 140 F is referred to as the Danger Zone because most bacteria multiply readily within this window. And that's not good, because the more of these little bugs there are, the more likely you are to get sick-and of course the quicker the food's going to spoil. You might argue that the bacteria that acc.u.mulate in a piece of raw chicken left on a counter for 5 hours may indeed be killed by proper cooking, but why run the risk? Also, that piece of chicken will leave a lot of bacteria on everything it touches, thus increasing the chance for cross contamination. Outside the Zone, bacteria advancement slows radically, or even stops altogether (although some bacteria can remain active well below the freezing point).

ACID.

The strange case of fresh mayonnaise: Fresh mayonnaise is made with raw egg yolks, and that should tell you right off the bat that if you're going to risk eating something that may, could, just might have a touch of salmonella salmonella in it, the very least you should do is get it in the fridge lickety-split, right? That way the cold and the acid in the vinegar can kick microbial b.u.t.t, right? Wrong. Freshly made mayo is better off sitting on your kitchen counter for 8 to 12 hours after it's made. How can this be? Turns out that acid is a very good disinfectant because acid coagulates proteins, and when cells get their proteins coagulated, they curl up and die. Acid a.s.sa.s.sinates best at room temperature. n.o.body knows why. But if you refrigerate that golden goo right away, the best thing that will happen is the bacteria inside will stop reproducing. They won't be nuked, however, as they would on the counter. So when it comes to acid, colder is not always better, sanitationally speaking. in it, the very least you should do is get it in the fridge lickety-split, right? That way the cold and the acid in the vinegar can kick microbial b.u.t.t, right? Wrong. Freshly made mayo is better off sitting on your kitchen counter for 8 to 12 hours after it's made. How can this be? Turns out that acid is a very good disinfectant because acid coagulates proteins, and when cells get their proteins coagulated, they curl up and die. Acid a.s.sa.s.sinates best at room temperature. n.o.body knows why. But if you refrigerate that golden goo right away, the best thing that will happen is the bacteria inside will stop reproducing. They won't be nuked, however, as they would on the counter. So when it comes to acid, colder is not always better, sanitationally speaking.

MORE BAD NEWS.

The globalization of our food supply-a result of our demand for strawberries in December and table grapes year round-requires that food, specifically produce, travel from further and further away. The consequence is salmonella salmonella on cantaloupes, on cantaloupes, shigella shigella on green onions, and a host of other problems. Here at home, the upsurge in organic growing may also be a factor. on green onions, and a host of other problems. Here at home, the upsurge in organic growing may also be a factor.

What You Can Do

At the Market

If you've never taken a close look at your market, take time to do it, because it doesn't matter how carefully your food is raised and processed if it's mishandled in transit or at the market itself. Some things to check for: General cleanliness Dark, dingy, or dirty stores are generally run by dark, dingy, or dirty management and should be avoided. Dark, dingy, or dirty stores are generally run by dark, dingy, or dirty management and should be avoided.

Meat department If there are open cases, check a few meat packages. Are they tightly sealed? Do you see any leaking juices? Are the cases themselves clean? Are thermometers present? If not, bring one in and take the cases' temperature yourself (an instant-read will arouse less suspicion, as you won't have to stand around and wait for it to register). If it's 40 F. or higher, mention it to the department manager. If he or she doesn't jump, show them your thermometer and drop a reference to the article you're writing for the local newspaper. That'll put a chill in 'em. If there are open cases, check a few meat packages. Are they tightly sealed? Do you see any leaking juices? Are the cases themselves clean? Are thermometers present? If not, bring one in and take the cases' temperature yourself (an instant-read will arouse less suspicion, as you won't have to stand around and wait for it to register). If it's 40 F. or higher, mention it to the department manager. If he or she doesn't jump, show them your thermometer and drop a reference to the article you're writing for the local newspaper. That'll put a chill in 'em.

Look in any closed cases Meat should be on clean trays, and there should be thermometers aplenty. Fish should be on lots of clean, well-drained ice. Now close your eyes and smell the air-really smell, the way Hannibal Lecter did when he was trying to figure out what perfume Agent Starling was wearing. If you smell anything other than clean, there's a problem somewhere. Meat should be on clean trays, and there should be thermometers aplenty. Fish should be on lots of clean, well-drained ice. Now close your eyes and smell the air-really smell, the way Hannibal Lecter did when he was trying to figure out what perfume Agent Starling was wearing. If you smell anything other than clean, there's a problem somewhere.

Dairy and egg case Again, check your thermometer. If you really want to know, stick the probe right into an egg (yes, you'll then have to buy the carton). If it doesn't read 40 F. or below, tell somebody, and if they don't do anything about it, buy your eggs elsewhere. Again, check your thermometer. If you really want to know, stick the probe right into an egg (yes, you'll then have to buy the carton). If it doesn't read 40 F. or below, tell somebody, and if they don't do anything about it, buy your eggs elsewhere.

Produce department Most folks don't think of fruits and vegetables as being high-risk foods pathogenically speaking, but because of their high moisture content and neutral pH, most of these make excellent bacteria resorts. And don't forget that produce does grow in dirt, and dirt is full of . . . you got it. I remember seeing a couple of very serious guys in white jackets rush into a produce department and remove every single alfalfa sprout in the place; alfalfa sprouts are major Most folks don't think of fruits and vegetables as being high-risk foods pathogenically speaking, but because of their high moisture content and neutral pH, most of these make excellent bacteria resorts. And don't forget that produce does grow in dirt, and dirt is full of . . . you got it. I remember seeing a couple of very serious guys in white jackets rush into a produce department and remove every single alfalfa sprout in the place; alfalfa sprouts are major salmonella salmonella carriers (though not as bad as turtles and iguanas). carriers (though not as bad as turtles and iguanas).

My favorite fresh market keeps all its produce on big carts that roll into giant walk-in refrigerators each night. During the day, highly perishable vegetables like broccoli and spinach and the like are kept on nice clean ice. There are no misting systems. I hate mister systems: I've yet to see a vegetable that actually likes to get wet once it's been harvested. This has less to do with pathogenic trouble than good old-fashioned rotting. Greens and things lose their turgidity when exposed to long periods of surface moisture and that turns them to goo. Of course if the misting system is dirty, then it can become contaminated with pathogenic organisms. That means that every time it goes off, your prospective dinner gets a germ bath. Want to scare the produce manager the way you did the meat folks? Take a water sample from the mister. Tell him or her you're sending it to the lab for a.n.a.lysis. If he or she says "fine," don't bother sending it. If he or she develops a sudden facial tic find another market. Remember, it's your food.

Transportation If you're planning to buy perishables, bring a cooler to the market with at least one if not two cold packs inside. It just doesn't make sense to take food that's been properly stored, walk it around a nice warm market and then out to a car trunk you could bake biscuits in. If your cooler is too big for your cart then at least have it standing by in the trunk for the ride home. Your frozen goods will stay that way, your veggies won't wilt, and your meats will stay safely out of the Zone. You too will enjoy the freedom to go to the video rental place on the way home without having to calculate the If you're planning to buy perishables, bring a cooler to the market with at least one if not two cold packs inside. It just doesn't make sense to take food that's been properly stored, walk it around a nice warm market and then out to a car trunk you could bake biscuits in. If your cooler is too big for your cart then at least have it standing by in the trunk for the ride home. Your frozen goods will stay that way, your veggies won't wilt, and your meats will stay safely out of the Zone. You too will enjoy the freedom to go to the video rental place on the way home without having to calculate the Listeria Listeria growth rate in your fresh fish. growth rate in your fresh fish.

BRINGING MEAT TO ROOM TEMPERATURE.

I like to rest meat out of the refrigerator for a half hour before cooking so that there will be less difference between the temperature of the meat and the temperature of the oven. But if there are any doubts about how well the meat was handled prior to purchase, there is a small chance that the inside of the meat could be contaminated with pathogens that would only be killed were the meat to be cooked to a very high temperature.For instance, you buy your T-bone steak off the back of a truck because the price is good. The guy who cuts the steak used the same knife to cut up a chicken. If he cut the steak correctly this would technically not be too much of a worry as long as the entire steak surface came into contact with very high heat-as in grilling.But suppose he was not only a dirty cutter, but a sloppy one and he poked his knife through the steak. Now the inside of the meat is contaminated as well. And if you like your steak cooked medium rare, those bugs won't be killed.And by pulling that meat out and placing it on the counter (and in the Zone) for a half hour, you create an environment in which those few microscopic nasties could grow into quite a powerful army.But if you buy your meat from reputable sources-and practice safe handling at home-I feel that the danger is amazingly and perhaps incalculably low. To a healthy adult I'd say "go for it," but then I'd also say "eat steak tartare."

At Home

Once the groceries are home, three major issues face the cook: temperature abuse, cross contamination, and contamination by the human animal.

Temperature control

Foods whose temperature fall in the 40 to 140 F Zone are vulnerable to bacterial colonization, so proper refrigeration is key. Most folks have no idea what temperature their refrigerator maintains, but you don't have this problem because you read the section on thermometers thermometers. Of course, the Zone gets abused on the other end as well. Take that big pot of beef stew you just finished simmering.

HOW LONG IS TOO LONG TO KEEP CANNED FOODS?.

Canned foods should be stored in a cool, dry place. Never put them above the stove, under the sink, in a damp garage or bas.e.m.e.nt, or any place exposed to very high or very low temperatures. Foods high in acid, such as tomatoes and other fruit, can be safely kept for up to 18 months; low-acid foods such as meat and vegetables are okay for 2 to 5 years. Canned meat and poultry will keep best for 2 to 5 years if the can remains in good condition and has been stored in a cool, clean, dry place.While extremely rare, a toxin produced by Clostridium botulinum Clostridium botulinum is the worst danger in the realm of canned goods. Never use food from containers that show possible botulism warnings including: leaking, bulging, or denting; cracked jars or jars with loose or bulging lids; canned food with a foul odor; or any container that spurts liquid as it is opened. Even a minuscule amount of is the worst danger in the realm of canned goods. Never use food from containers that show possible botulism warnings including: leaking, bulging, or denting; cracked jars or jars with loose or bulging lids; canned food with a foul odor; or any container that spurts liquid as it is opened. Even a minuscule amount of botulinum botulinum toxin can be deadly. toxin can be deadly.

Wow . . . looks like a good gallon of stew. That's a heck of a lot of ma.s.s, upwards of 15 pounds of 200 potential germ chow. Once you spoon out a few bowls for you and yours, what will you do with the rest? Leave it on the counter to cool down? Okay, but that could take 12 hours or more, and most of that time will be spent in the Zone. Not worried? Figure you nuked all the bacteria during cooking? You may have gotten most of them, but trust me: you didn't get them all. And of course there's the air, the serving spoon, the finger that you used to pull out the sage leaves, that sort of thing. Remember the Jura.s.sic Park Jura.s.sic Park rule: life will find a way no matter how clever you think you are. rule: life will find a way no matter how clever you think you are.

So you should put it in the refrigerator, right?

That's a bad idea for a couple of reasons. First, even the best refrigerator models are designed to keep things cold, not make them cold. Sure, you can chill a few beers, but it could take ten hours or more to chill that stew. And since the stew is so hot, it will raise the temperature in the box, thus nudging every food present into the Zone-and that's not good. What you need is a way to cool the stew before it gets filed in the chill chest. If it's cold out-say, 35 F-you could certainly set the pot out on your deck, patio, or carport. That will cut a few hours off the time in the Zone, especially if it's windy, but it will still take several hours. If you could increase the surface-to-ma.s.s ratio, thus exposing more stew to more cold air, you'd be onto something. So pour your stew into the largest, flattest pan you have. A couple of baking pans or a large roasting pan should do nicely. If you're afraid bugs may come to call during this alfresco chill, simply cover with plastic wrap, but push the wrap down right onto the surface of the stew.

Okay, so what if it's July?

There are several methods for "shocking" food down to a safe temperature quickly. Soup and stew pots may be placed directly in a sink full of ice water (not just ice: conduction, remember?). Frequent stirring will bring more hot food in contact with the side of the pot, and since heat always moves toward cold, the heat will abandon the soup for the ice slurry.

If no sink is available, you can also fill a large zip-top freezer bag with ice, suck out all the air, and push it right down into the goo. This method has the added advantage of being able to capture any fat that happens to stick to the side of the bag and solidify. When the ice melts, either in the sink or the bag, take the food's temperature. If it's not close to 40 F, start over again. You'll be surprised how quickly the food cools down.

Of course, not all big hot foods are soupy or stewy. Large pans of braised dishes, large roasts, and the like can't really be stirred, and bagged ice is impractical. For these I break out my trusty cooler, fill the bottom with a couple inches of ice, sprinkle the ice liberally with salt, and place the roasting or braising pan right on top. (As any home ice-cream cranker can tell you, salt can melt ice without raising its temperature, creating a liquid that's actually colder than the freezing point.) Check in an hour or two and your thermometer will most likely clear you for fridge access.

Cooking

Improper cooking is the big daddy of thermal transgressions. It's the one most often a.s.sociated with large outbreaks of both salmonella salmonella and and E. coli E. coli in this country. As important as proper cooking is, there has been some overreacting out there of late. A government Internet site I checked out recently stated that poultry must be cooked to a final internal temperature of 180 F, while another site suggests that all fresh pork cuts be cooked to 170 F. Both seem pretty silly since in this country. As important as proper cooking is, there has been some overreacting out there of late. A government Internet site I checked out recently stated that poultry must be cooked to a final internal temperature of 180 F, while another site suggests that all fresh pork cuts be cooked to 170 F. Both seem pretty silly since salmonella salmonella dies instantly at 165 F (14 minutes at 140 F will do the job too), and dies instantly at 165 F (14 minutes at 140 F will do the job too), and trichinae trichinae (the parasites responsible for trichinosis) die at 170 F. Here's how I temp stuff. (the parasites responsible for trichinosis) die at 170 F. Here's how I temp stuff.

* All poultry, game birds, stuffed meats and any previously cooked foods that are being reheated need to hit 165 F to be extra safe. (I usually take this reading from the thickest part of the meat, sometimes the breast, sometimes the thigh.)* Pork (non-ground) should be cooked to 150 F.* Beef steaks can be cooked to desired doneness.* Rolled roast needs to be cooked to 130 F and should be held here for at least 1 hour before being served.* Fish should be cooked to 140 F.* Ground beef should be cooked to 155 F.* Ground pork should be cooked to 160 F.* Ground turkey should be cooked to 170 F.

Cross Contamination

The leading cause of food-borne illnesses in home kitchens, cross contamination happens any time you give bugs a way to get from one place to another. Following is a possible scenario: You come home from the market and the only place to put that raw chicken is on the middle shelf in the fridge. Unbeknownst to you, there is a small hole in the bag and some of the juice runs out. It pools at the back edge of the shelf, then a few drops run down the wall of the refrigerator, into the crisper drawer, and onto a loosely wrapped head of lettuce. Since your refrigerator's running at an average of 45 F, this meager collection of bacterial pilgrims sets up a village, which within a few hours becomes a thriving metropolis. You take the lettuce out of the fridge, cut it into wedges on your cutting board, and build a salad, which you then set on the buffet half an hour before your guests arrive. Meanwhile, you cook the chicken to an internal temperature of 165 F, killing any salmonella salmonella or or campylobacter campylobacter that may be present. But you then cut it up on the very same cutting board with the very same knife you used for the lettuce, thus recontaminating it. Two or three days later, you start getting nasty letters from your friends written on hospital letterhead. that may be present. But you then cut it up on the very same cutting board with the very same knife you used for the lettuce, thus recontaminating it. Two or three days later, you start getting nasty letters from your friends written on hospital letterhead.

Unless you've tested it with a thermometer thermometer.

THAWING.

Thawing's a funny thing because it's just like cooking inasmuch as it's all about bringing a piece of food into thermal equilibrium with its surroundings. All the principles of cooking apply: temperature, conduction, convection, radiation, and density. When I tell folks that a block of ice will thaw faster under cold running water than in a 200 F oven, they think I've been in the nutmeg again (see Toxins). But it is indeed true. Cold water may be cold, but it's dense, it's a good conductor, and if it's running it's got convection on its side. The hot oven has temperature and radiation on its side, but unless you have the broiler on, that won't be enough. So in order to keep thawing food (say, a frozen Cornish game hen) in the Zone for the shortest time possible, either thaw it in the refrigerator (slow but safe) or tightly wrapped and submerged in cold water up to 70 F that's circulating somehow.

Had you placed the raw chicken in a container (say, a baking dish) and placed it on the bottom shelf, you wouldn't be forced to wear a giant red S across your chest.

Human Contamination

Consider the strange case of Mary Mallon, a cook who worked in households from Long Island to Manhattan in the early years of the twentieth century. Mary gave a nasty form of salmonelosis to dozens if not hundreds of people without actually getting sick herself. Mary is known to history as Typhoid Mary not because she had the audacity to touch food with her hands (something I'm a big fan of), but because she didn't wash her hands well enough or often enough. This drama repeats itself in homes and restaurants across America with alarming frequency. And all because we fail to do something most of us should have learned in kindergarten.

Hand-washing is a really big deal, and you should do it often while handling food, but there are a couple of other things you can do to keep your mitts in sanitary condition.

* Make sure you can turn the water on (hot and cold) at your kitchen sink without touching the taps with your hands. Touch the chicken, touch the tap, wash your hands, turn off the tap with your hand-you might as well have skipped the whole darned thing. If you have a single-lever model, make sure you can work it with the back of your wrist or your elbow. If you prefer a separate k.n.o.b for both hot and cold, go with wide paddles that can be operated by the forearms. Or you can do what many restaurants do and install foot pedals or waist-level "lean-in" b.u.t.tons.* Make sure your soap dispenser can be pumped without direct hand contact.* You can get latex gloves at any drugstore. They're great for handling raw meat or for cutting chile pods or garlic, which can leave some nasty compounds on your skin. When you're done working, just throw them away. (Make sure you get the ones that contain talc.u.m powder for easy on and off.)TOXINS Toxins are poisons that cannot be neutralized by heat (or sanitation practices, for that matter). Aside from the aforementioned botulinum botulinum toxin, there's scrombrotoxin in fish and cheese, which causes scrombroid poisoning, a nasty, itchy, vomity kind of thing that usually isn't fatal. Not so for tetrodotoxin, which one might encounter in even a small nibble of a badly prepared piece of fugu, or blowfish. I like the Centers for Disease Control description: toxin, there's scrombrotoxin in fish and cheese, which causes scrombroid poisoning, a nasty, itchy, vomity kind of thing that usually isn't fatal. Not so for tetrodotoxin, which one might encounter in even a small nibble of a badly prepared piece of fugu, or blowfish. I like the Centers for Disease Control description:"Tetrodotoxin is heat-stable and blocks sodium conductance and neuronal transmission in skeletal muscles. Paresthesia begins 10 to 45 minutes after ingestion, usually as tingling of the tongue and inner surface of the mouth. Other common symptoms include vomiting, lightheadedness, dizziness, feelings of doom, and weakness. An ascending paralysis develops, and death can occur within 6 to 24 hours, secondary to respiratory muscle paralysis. Other manifestations include salivation, muscle twitching, diaph.o.r.esis, pleuritic chest pain, dysphagia, aphonia, and convulsions. Severe poisoning is indicated by hypotension, bradycardia, depressed corneal reflexes, and fixed dilated pupils. Diagnosis is based on clinical symptoms and a history of ingestion. Treatment is supportive, and there is no specific ant.i.toxin."I especially like the "feelings of doom" part. Granted, you're not likely to stumble across bad fugu completely unaware (although three California chefs nearly died in 1996 when a co-worker brought some prepackaged fugu back from j.a.pan), but many common plants contain poisons. Apple seeds and peach pits contain a chemical of the cyanide family and can flat out kill you if you chew up and swallow enough. (Don't worry: swallowing an apple seed or two won't hurt you. A couple hundred maybe, but what are the chances of that happening?) Raw or undercooked fresh red kidney beans can deliver a dose of phyto-hemagglutinin to the system and reward you with 4 to 6 hours of extreme abdominal distress. Nutmeg contains a toxin that is also a powerful hallucinogen; it produces very bad headaches in those who try to take advantage of it.Then there's honey intoxication, which results from eating honey containing rhododendron nectar. Said nectar contains grayantoxin, which can play havoc with your central nervous system for a day or so (it's rarely fatal, if that makes you feel any better). Then there are mushrooms. Think that's a chanterelle in your yard? Be sure-very sure-because if you're wrong, you may end up with your liver dissolved into a pool of goo, which I'm told doesn't feel very good. Or maybe you'll be lucky and latch onto some 'shrooms containing muscarine, in which case you'll probably just sweat out several pounds of water in a few hours, throw up, and take a nap. Either way, never gather wild mushrooms unless you're operating under the guidance of a skilled, educated, experienced, and preferably old mushroom hunter.

* Never wipe dirty hands on a kitchen towel-you might as well blow your nose on it. By the same token, never use a dirty towel to dry clean hands-you might as well blow your nose on them.