If I Break: Beautifully Broken Part 2

I don't know what to tell these people. I don't expect Cal to tell them anything. I scroll through the numbers and dial Helen's. It goes to voice mail. I call Lisa's. I can't call Mrs. Scott. I can't tell her any of this over the phone. I glance back towards the room.

I don't know why I feel like I have to sneak and do this. Should I do this? Ugh! I'm not going to drive myself crazy about this. It's time to cut the bulls.h.i.t. I head back up stairs and into the bedroom. I hear the shower running.

"I've been thinking about whether I should call your parents or not," I say loud enough for him to hear me over the water. He doesn't say anything.

"They have Caylen. I'm going to have to tell them something. I was going to call and tell them I'm trying to start something new. I want nothing but open and honest communication between us. So can you let me know your thoughts on that?" I say in almost one breath. He steps out the shower and I force my eyes to stay on his face and go nowhere else, but the wall between us is back up again. His eyes are on me and I can't read him. His stare is blank but he steps towards me, completely naked with a sly smirk stretched across his face. My breath hitches as he reaches across me to grab a towel and wipe his face before wrapping it around his waist.

"Are you not going to say anything?" I ask him, feeling my stoic facade begin to crumble beneath me. He bites his lips trying to suppress the smile I see peeking through. He likes me upset. How could I forget?

"Fine," I say, pulling out my phone. "I'll give them a call." Before I can even get my thumb to touch a b.u.t.ton, he's s.n.a.t.c.hes the phone from my hand. I expect him leave the room or to even flush it down the toilet but he doesn't. He hits a few keys and the phone starts to ring on speaker.

"Lauren, where the h.e.l.l are you and why haven't you been answering our calls?"

It's Mr. Scott, and my eyes widen.

"Who the f.u.c.k do you think you're talking to?" Cal's voice sends a chill through my spine. There's a stunned silence on the other end. Mr. Scott obviously at a loss for words.

"If you ever speak to my wife like that again, I'm going to break your f.u.c.king legs," he says, his grip tightening on the phone.

"We'll be there to get our daughter tonight. I'll call you when we're a few minutes away. Have her dressed and ready to leave." He hangs up and tosses the phone to me before stepping closer, his arm wrapping around my back, pulling me towards him and leaning down to my ear.

"I'm not a little boy. I thought I reminded you of that last night," he says huskily in my ear, his grip tightening on my waist.

"Chris's parents don't scare me. Dexter has no authority over me. I can give a s.h.i.t what anyone else thinks about me being back. You can call and alert the newspaper if you feel the need to. You're either in this with me or you're not. Chris won't be back anytime soon," he says, letting me go and leaving the bathroom. My phone begins to ring again. I'm guessing it's probably a not-so-stunned Mr. Scott calling back in a fury but, when I glance down, I see that it's Lisa. She's called me at least four times. I shake my head and pick up.

"Hey, Lisa," I say, trying my best to mask the utter terror pumping through my veins.

"Lauren, have you talked to Chris? I've been trying to call him and..." Before she can finish, Cal's back in front of me and s.n.a.t.c.hes the phone from my hand.

"Don't ever call me or Lauren again. I'm not kidding! If you do, I will ruin you. Stay the f.u.c.k away!"

I stand in front of him in complete shock. "Do you even know who that was?"

"Don't f.u.c.king answer for her," he says bitterly, taking my phone from my hand and leaving the room. I follow.

"What's your problem with Lisa!?" I ask, exasperated.

"I mean it," he says pointedly.

"Is this about her not wanting to sleep with you?" I told Lisa I wouldn't tell Chris but this is Cal. A condescending laugh escapes him.

"Is that what that lying little c.u.n.t told you?" he says, throwing on his clothes.

"How about you tell me?"

"How about you tell me about everything," I say, grabbing his wrist. "About why you hate your parents..."

"I don't hate my parents," he says abruptly.

"Your dad," I reiterate. "What happened to make you like this?"

"Like what? Like me? What screwed me up so bad to make me come about? Is that what you're asking me?!"

"That's not what I meant," I say quietly.

"No, that's exactly what you meant," he spits back.

"Don't turn this around on me. This is bigger than you and me now. We have a daughter, Cal," I say pleadingly.

"You're not my f.u.c.king shrink, Lauren. You're my wife. The woman I asked to marry me. You know everything now so let's get past this. I'm ready to get back to normal. No more of this bulls.h.i.t."

"Normal? What we had is not normal. Just be honest with me. Please. Don't I deserve that at least?"

"Why do you think I know everything?" he asks quietly.

I hesitate. He should know everything, right? He has to; he's the alter. But how do I say that without it being an insult? Looking at him, I can't say it. I still don't want to admit it. I am mad at him. I still don't want to hurt him-I never wanted to hurt Cal-and if I say it out loud right in front of him, I know it would hurt him. Or maybe I'm just afraid that saying it, of saying those actual words.

"You can say it, Lauren. I won't melt. I'm not a mythical creature," he says with an amused grin.

"I can only go off what I know and you haven't told me anything."

"I don't know who your loyalty lies with. So I'll pa.s.s for now," he says wryly.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I mean. We can save a lot of time if you stop playing stupid. Remember that I know you like the back of my hand."

He has a lot f.u.c.king nerve. Of course, he does. It is Cal after all? He doesn't know who my loyalty lies with? I waited for him for two years after he walked out on me. Yet, he questions my loyalty? I don't understand what else I need to do to prove my loyalty to him. Why am I paying for a mistake I wasn't aware I'd made? I'm trying. I really am trying so hard to keep my emotions in check, especially my anger and my frustration. It's taking nearly all of my willpower to remain calm and not fly off the handle again.

But, like always, Cal has a way of pushing my b.u.t.tons. He can't think I'm going to go along with this-all his secrets, living a lie, pretending to be happy about the very thing that unraveled our marriage. He steps toward me, closing the distance between us. His gray eyes cling to mine, as if he's reading my mind.

"Don't worry, gorgeous. You'll know everything soon. Just make sure you're ready for it." At that, he leaves me standing where I am with more questions than answers. Cal has always had a knack for leaving me stupefied. His statement isn't a simple declaration; it's more like a threat. But he doesn't get to do this to me anymore. I could easily retaliate with the threat of leaving. But I can't bring myself to do it. I have a daughter to think about. And then there's Chris. I feel a world of responsibility on my shoulders and I don't know how long I can hold it all up.

"I'll meet you downstairs," he says, heading out the door.

How do I do this? I can't walk out on him. He's mentally unstable but I can't go through a life of secrets anymore! It's Cal but he's different, a little colder, a little rawer, uncensored and unpredictable, and there's no way I can let him out of my sight.

I try to gather my thoughts as I make my way downstairs. They're everywhere, on everything. I feel powerless, more than I ever have before. I walk out of the hotel and see him sitting in the Audi. I take a deep breath before getting in. I feel like I'm slipping back into my old life. He's still angry but he's still here with me and that means all hope isn't completely lost. I'm not as powerless as I thought. We're both at odds, but we still love each other. I used to think of it is as only my weakness but now I know it's his weakness too and I fully intend to use it to try to fix this mess-if we can be fixed.

"So what's the plan?" I try to keep bitter sarcasm out my voice but I'm sure it's not working. "We just go back to being how we were before? Let's remember, things weren't exactly peachy."

He doesn't even glance my way.

"And I'm supposed to pretend that the past two years haven't happened? That I don't know the truth?"

"Can you just enjoy the f.u.c.king ride?" he says as if he is annoyed with me. I exhale and take a breath. I don't know how many breaths I can take to keep from exploding on his nonchalant, arrogant a.s.s. Thank G.o.d I have been able to practice exercising my patience with Chris these past few weeks. Talking to him is useless at this point so I won't say anything to him until I have the right words to say. I turn my attention towards the window, looking out over the city that I drove into with a completely different man. My thoughts are broken when I hear him chuckle. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him that with an amused grin on his face.

"What happened to you?" he asks, amused.

"I grew up. You should try it sometime."

He grins. "I think there is more to it than that."

"Don't play psychiatrist with me if you don't want me to play it with you."

He laughs at that, but he doesn't retort. That is a first. His silence is unexpected and a little unnerving.

"Did you miss me?"

His words are unexpected and he sounds sincere. My eyes trail over to him and for a moment I want to call a truce but we both have our walls up for our own reasons. "Of course I did."

"Did you miss me when you were with him?"

I wonder if it's always going to be like this-a contest between the two of them. I want to comment on it but I decide against it and I tell him the truth. "Especially when I was with him."

He looks over at me, a hint of disbelief lingering on his expression. Did my sleeping with Chris cause him to think that we have nothing, that my feelings for him are gone? There are so many questions I want to ask him but I know he won't answer most of them, so I ask him the simplest of them while I'm in a talking mood.

"Did you miss me?"

There's a long silence and, right when I think he's not going to answer, he says, "Every day." His tone is quiet and makes me smile but a sense of sadness washes over me. If he's here, where is Chris now?

"It used to be us before anything. Now it seems like that's changed," he says solemnly.

"We have a daughter now. It can't be like that anymore. Secrets almost destroyed us, Cal. We almost lost each other, and I did lose you. I don't want that to happen again."

I wish this conversation wasn't happening while driving. Are my words affecting him? Or are they going in one ear and out the other? He puts up a huge wall up around him, one that I could never get behind. Has he changed, is this the same man that left me on the floor in tears and alone all those years ago? He's quiet, which means he's probably thinking. This is good. So I decide to push it a little more.

"I want you to get better because I love you and for our daughter." I see his jaw flinch, and I know I took it too far too fast.

"Better, meaning Chris?" he asks through clenched teeth.

"Better, meaning all of you," I say defensively.

"Why didn't you have this conversation with him?"

"I was going to but he's not here now. You are. But why does it even matter? This shouldn't be you versus him. We're in this together."

"We are? Well, since we're all in this together, tell me, why did he leave?" he spits out.

"You tell me! Better yet, tell me how does this all work? Does he decide? Do you decide? Is there a f.u.c.king schedule that I can get a copy of? Because this is insane. I thought when you came back, I would have answers. That the big puzzle of my life would be solved, but of course, it's not. That would be easy and, with you, nothing is ever easy."

"There she is."

"Who?"

"The real you," he answers smugly. He's such a smart a.s.s. Great, he wants me to be a screaming lunatic and Chris wants me to be a nun.

Fan-freakin-tastic.

chapter 4.

We survive the ride without killing each other and, eventually, I fall asleep. How do you fall asleep in the midst of a storm surrounded by a torrent of unanswered questions? I don't know, but eventually your mind and body shut down and give you peace for a moment, and I dream. I dream about my world, about how it was, about Chris coming into it, how he changed things and then Cal comes back, flipping things on their head. When I wake, I think about where my world is going. How do I parent in the midst of dysfunction? How do I avoid being pulled back to the place I used to be? I feel like I'm fighting a war, weaponless and against an opponent that knows my very weakness is him. I open my eyes to see it's dark out. The car has stopped and my door is open. I look up to see him leaning over me, his hands resting on the roof of the car. I sit up and look around.

"Where are we?" I ask, a yawn escaping my mouth. It doesn't look like we're in a part of Michigan or Chicago.

"Is that something you really need to know?" he quips. He's such a smart a.s.s.

"Yes I need to know where we are in relation to our daughter. You know, the one we were supposed to pick up from your parents."

"Gwen knows we're picking her up tomorrow," he replies simply.

"You talked to your mom?" I ask, surprised.

"Gwen is one of the few people who doesn't think I'm the anti-Christ," he says sarcastically.

"And we're in Venitan, a s.h.i.tty little suburb in Michigan" he says dryly.

"What are we doing?"

"You say you want to know the whole story...all my secrets. Well, this is where it starts," he says, reaching his hand out to me. I look up at him skeptically.

"Is this a game or something?"

"Games are for kids. Welcome to our new f.u.c.ked-up reality," he says.

Riddles and games, all freakin' puzzle pieces. It'd be too easy to get straight answers. I let out a deep breath and watch him walk into the house.

I look around. It's late evening and the street is quiet. It looks like a lower, lower middle-cla.s.s neighborhood. I reluctantly follow behind him. I stop half way and wonder if I should just take off in the car and speed off to the Scotts'. That would be the logical thing to do, but then again, logic and I don't work-we're a toxic combination. If this is a game, though, there will be a winner and a loser. I don't plan on losing.

I stop at the little mailbox in front of the house and look in it. I pull out three letters that all say Cal Scott on them. What the h.e.l.l? He actually had this place-owns it, maybe? But, for how long and why?

"What? Are you Nancy Drew, now?" he chuckles before disappearing into the house. I begrudgingly make my way up the stairs and follow him into the little two-level home. By the time I'm in, he's flicked on the lights and I'm actually shocked. The outside of the house looks old and more than a little worn but inside, it's completely different. It's decorated in cool grays and shades of blue. It's impressive, looking like a professionally decorated s.p.a.ce. On one end of the living room is a pale gray sofa with dark-blue pillows. A gla.s.s, asymmetrically-shaped coffee table with metal legs fills the s.p.a.ce between the sofa and two printed, similarly colored, armless chairs. It looks expensive, like our home, which would mean the furnishings in this house are probably worth more than the actual house! In the left corner of the room is a fireplace surrounded by black stone. The kitchen is modern, complete with stainless steel appliances and is painted in the same grays and blues as the living area with just a touch of lime green in the backsplash mosaic and in the hand towels.

"So when did you get this? Why do you even have this?" I ask, confused.

"It was before us and the area interests me," he says simply, taking off his coat and putting it away in a closet. His phone vibrates on the counter top. He glances at it and a wide smile spreads across his face.

"It's Jenna," he says, looking over at me. "You want to get it? What do you think Chris would say to her? Since he's your new soulmate and all," he says sarcastically. I can't believe he's really jealous. When I make no move to answer the phone, he swipes it from the counter and answers with a curt, "What's up, Jenna?"

"No, it's not Chris. It's Cal. I was going to be calling you soon anyway. Just thought you should know Chris f.u.c.ked Lauren last night," he says matter-of-factly.