Ideal Commonwealths Part 9

Thus two sparrows are one starling, two starlings are one fieldfare, two fieldfares one hen, two hens one goose, two geese one lamb, two lambs one kid, two kids one goat, two goats one cow, and so forth.

The next chapter is on the Religion of the c.r.a.pulians. They hate Jove because his thunder turns the wine sour and he spoils ripe fruit by raining on it. Their G.o.d is Time, who eats everything.

But I hasten, says the traveller, to the palace of the Grand Duke, whither I was happily led by my genius. The first Duke must have been as large as the man two of whose teeth were dug up at Cambridge, each as big as a man's head. On his tomb is an inscription. "I Omasius, Duke of f.a.gonia, Lord, Victor, Prince and G.o.d lie here. No man shall say I starved, shall pa.s.s by fasting, or salute me sober. Let him be my heir who can, my subject who will, my enemy who dares. Farewell and Fatten."

After a description of the Island of Hunger, the traveller pa.s.ses from Pamphagonia to Yvronia, the other province of c.r.a.pulia.

These are among the laws of Yvronia:--A cup must be either full or empty. Whoever takes or returns a cup half empty shall be guilty of _lese societe_. The sober man who hurts a drunkard, shall be cut off from wine for ever: if he kill a drunkard, he shall die by thirst. To walk from supper in a right line shall be criminal. He who adds water to wine shall be degraded to the table of the dogs.

Yvronia having been described in seven chapters, the traveller in this Other-and-Same World pa.s.ses on to Viraginia, the land of the Viragoes.

This is Gynia Nova, miswritten New Guinea. The chief of its many provinces is Linguadocia, in which Garrula is one of the famous cities.

In Viraginia the traveller was at once made prisoner, but permitted to see the land after he had subscribed to certain articles, as, That in word or deed he would work no ill to the n.o.bler s.e.x; That he would never interpose a word when a woman was speaking; That wherever he might be he would concede domestic rule to the woman; That he would never deny to a wife any ornament of dress she looked at.

As to its form of government, the state seemed to be a democracy, in which all governed and none obeyed. They settled affairs at public meetings, in which all spoke and none listened; and they had a perpetual Parliament.

The men in Viraginia are subject to the women. When a wife leaves her house for any reason, she places the care of her husband under any other woman of the household until she returns. A husband who survives his wife, is married at once to his wife's maid, or goes into bondage to the nearest mother of a family, because it is not permitted that any man shall become master in his own house.

The women sit while the men serve, sleep when the men are roused to get up, scold them when they complain, and beat them. That day is worthy to be marked with a white stone to which men can say good-bye with a whole skin.

Contrary to the custom with us, the women in Viraginia cut their hair and let their nails grow. Some of them also practise with profit the gymnastic art, so that they can make beautiful use of teeth, nails, and heels. A n.o.bler and more cleanly polished place is not to be seen than Viraginia, where everything is washed, cooked and cared for by the men, and there is nothing unbecoming but the garments of the men themselves.

The next land to be visited was Moronia, Foolsland, the vastest, the most uncultivated and the most populous of all these countries. To the east is Variana or Moronia Mobilis, to the north is Moronia Aspera, to the south Moronia Felix, and to the west Moronia Pia. The people are, nearly all of them, tall and fat, with palish hair, prominent lips, and very thick ears. In midwinter they go with their chests open, and the rest of the body lightly clothed, that the warmth may enter the more readily, and the cold go out of them; but in summer they put on thick overcoats and cloaks, and all the clothes they have, to shut out the heat. They shave their heads, either because they remember that they were born bald, or to allay the heat of the brain, or because the hair comes between the brain and heaven, and checks the freedom of the mind in going heavenward.

Provinces, towns and people of Moronia having been visited and fully described, the traveller through this Other-and-Same World then proceeds to describe Lavernia, the Land of Thieves and Cheats, who obtain great part of their plunder from Moronia. In this land the Larcinians require much attention. And at the end of all, adds Joseph Hall, "These men, these manners, these cities I have seen, have marvelled at, have laughed at, and at last, broken by the toils of so great a journey, have returned to my own land. PEREGRINUS, QUONDAM ACADEMICUS."

Dr. William King was born in the year 1663, son of Ezekiel King, a gentleman of London. He was educated at Westminster School and Christ Church, Oxford. He early inherited a fair estate, took his Master of Arts degree in 1688, and began his career as writer with a refutation of attacks upon Wiclif in the "History of Heresy," by M. Varillas. He then chose law for a profession, in 1692 graduated as LL.D., and was admitted an Advocate at Doctor's Commons. He kept a light heart and a lighter purse than beseemed one of his fraternity, publishing playful satires, at times showing an earnest mind under his mirth. In or soon after the year 1702 Dr. King went to Ireland as judge of the High Court of Admiralty, sole Commissioner of the Prizes, Vicar-General to the Lord Primate, and Keeper of the Records in Birmingham's Tower, in which office he was succeeded in 1708 by Joseph Addison. Dr. King, who had not increased his credit for a love of work, returned to London about that time, and following his own way of mirth began publishing "Useful Transactions in Philosophy and other sorts of learning." In 1709 he published the best of his playful poems, "The Art of Cookery, in imitation of Horace's Art of Poetry; with some letters to Dr. Lister and others, occasioned princ.i.p.ally by the t.i.tle of a Book published by the Doctor, being the works of Apicius Clius concerning the Soups and Sauces of the Ancients." When he came across Joseph Hall's satire, he found it so much to his mind that he began to translate as follows:--

H.M.

c.r.a.pULIA.

CHAPTER I.

_The Situation of the Country._

c.r.a.pulia is a very fair and large territory, which on the north is bounded with the aethiopic Ocean, on the east with Laconia and Viraginia, on the south by Moronia Felix, and westward with the Tryphonian Fens. It lies in that part of the universe where is bred the monstrous bird called Ruc, that for its prey will bear off an elephant in its talons; and is described by the modern geographers.

The soil is too fruitful, and the heavens too serene; so that I have looked upon them with a silent envy, not without pity, when I considered they were blessings so little deserved by the inhabitants. It lies in seventy-four degrees of longitude, and sixty degrees of lat.i.tude, and eleven degrees distant from the Cape of Good Hope; and lies, as it were, opposite to the whole coast of Africa. It is commonly divided into two provinces, Pamphagonia and Ivronia, the former of which is of the same length and breadth as Great Britain (which I hope will not be taken as any reflection), the other is equal to the High and Low Dutch Lands.

Both obey the same prince, are governed by the same laws, and differ very little in their habit or their manners.

CHAPTER II.

_Pamphagonia; or, Glutton's Paradise._

Pamphagonia is of a triangular figure, like that of ancient Egypt, or the Greek letter delta, ?. It is mountainous, inclosed with very high hills; its soil is of the richest, so that birds which come thither to feed, if they tarry but three months, grow so very fat and weighty, that they cannot fly back again over the mountains, but suffer themselves to be taken up in the hand, and are as delicious as the ortolan or the beccaficos of the Italians. And it is no wonder to them who know that geese in Scotland are generated from leaves fallen into the water, and believe the testimony of one of our amba.s.sadors, that in the north-east parts of the world lambs grow upon stalks like cabbages and eat up the gra.s.s all around about them, to find the same sort of provisions in this country. Besides, the fish upon that coast are in such plenty, and so voracious (whether they conform themselves to the genius of the place and people, or presage to themselves the honour of so magnificent a sepulchre as was given to Nero's turbot), that, as soon as the hook is cast in, they press to it as the ghosts in Lucian did to Charon's boat, and cling to the iron as miners do to a rope that is let down when the light of their candle forbodes some malignant exhalation.

The sea-ports, with which this country abounds more than any other, are of no other use than to receive and take in such things as are edible, which they have for their superfluous wool and hides: nor may the inhabitants export anything that has the least relation to the palate.

You see nothing there but fruit-trees. They hate plains, limes, and willows, as being idle and barren, and yielding nothing useful but their shade. There are hops, pears, plums, and apples, in the hedge-rows, as there is in all Ivronia; from whence the Lombards, and some counties in the west of England, have learned their improvements. In ancient times, Frugonia, or the Land of Frugality, took in this country as one of its provinces; and histories tell us, that, in Saturn's time, the Frugonian princes gave laws to all this part of the world, and had their palace there; and that their country was called f.a.gonia, from the simplicity of their diet, which consisted only in beech-mast. But that yoke has been long ago shaken off; their manners are wholly changed, and, from the universality of their food, they have obtained, in their own country language, the t.i.tle of Pamphagones.

CHAPTER III.

_The First Province of Pamphagonia._

Friviandy, or Tight-bittia (that we may take the provinces in their order), were it not for a temperament peculiar to the place, is rather of the hottest to produce those who are properly called good trencher-men. Its utmost point, which other geographers call the Promontory of the Terra Australis, is of the same lat.i.tude as the most southerly parts of Castile, and is about forty-two degrees distant from the equator. The inhabitants have curled hair and dusky complexions, and regard more the delicacy than the largeness and number of their dishes.

In this very promontory, which we shall call the black one from its colour (for it is a very smoky region, partly from the frequent vapours of the place, partly from its vicinity to the Terra del Fogo, which, by the common consent of geographers, lies on the right hand of it, but rather nearer than they have placed it), is the city Lucina, whose buildings are lofty, but apt to be smoky and offensive to the smell; from whence a colony went, perhaps, as far as the Indies, where it remains to this day by the name of Cochin-China.

Here is the famous temple of the great deity Omasius Gorgut, or Gorbelly. It is a vast pile, and contains a thousand hearths, and as many altars, which are constantly employed in the Rucal Festivals. In the midst is a high pyramid, as lofty as the hand of man can erect it, little inferior to those of Memphis. It is called the Cheminean Tower.

This, rising high, gives the signal of war to the adjoining countries: for, as we by beacons lighted upon a high hill discover the danger of an approaching enemy, so these, on the contrary, do the same by letting their smoke cease and their fires go out: for, when the perpetual vapour ceases to roll forth in thick and dark clouds of smoke, it is a token that the Hambrians are drawing nearer, than whom there can be no enemy more terrible to this nation. There are several smaller towns, that lie under the dominion of this supreme city. Charbona is the largest village, and, what is seldom seen elsewhere, lies all under ground. Upon its barren soil arises another, though of less note, called Favillia.

After these lies Tenaille, a narrow town, and Batillu, a broad one, both considerable. On the left are some subservient petty hamlets, as a.s.sadora, Marmitta, Culliera, as useful for the reception of strangers, amongst which, that of Marmitta is watered by the river Livenza; which, as is said of a fountain in the Peak of Derby, boils over twice in four-and-twenty hours.

CHAPTER IV.

_The Second Province of Pamphagonia._

Next to this is the Golosinian district, the most pleasant part of Pamphagonia, covered with dates, almonds, figs, olives, pomegranates, oranges, citrons, and pistaches; through which run the smoothest of streams, called the Oglium. Here is the beautiful city of Marzapane, with n.o.ble turrets glittering with gold, but lying too open to the enemy. Over it hang the Zucker hills, out of whose bowels they draw something that is hard, white, and sparkling, but sweet as that moisture which the ancients gathered out of the reeds which grew in Arabia and the Indies. You shall find few people here, who are grown up, but what have lost their teeth, and have stinking breaths. Near to this is the little city Seplasium, which admits of no tradesmen but perfumers. It is a town of great commerce with the people of Viraginia, especially the Locanians, who use to change their looking-gla.s.s with them for oils and pastils. The agreeableness of the place, and the bounty of the heavens, is favourable to their art; for the whole track of land, at certain seasons, is covered with aromatic comfits, that fall like hail-stones: which Anathumiasis I take to be essentially the same as that aerial honey which we often find upon our oaks, especially in the spring, and that it differs only in thickness; for whereas that honey is sprinkled in drops, the little globules are hardened by the intense cold of the middle region, and rebound in falling.

CHAPTER V.

_Of the Third Province of Pamphagonia._

In the fifty-fifth degree, we come into the plains of Lecania, and so into the very heart of Pamphagonia, where the chief city we meet with is Cibinium, which is washed with the acid streams of the river a.s.sagion.

In the forum, or market-place, is the tomb (as I conjecture by the footsteps of some letters now remaining) of Apicius, that famous Roman, not very beautiful, but antique. It is engraved upon the sh.e.l.l of a sea-crab; and it might happen, notwithstanding what Seneca says, that this famous epicure, after having sought for larger sh.e.l.l-fish than the coast of Gallia could supply him with, and then going in vain to Africa to make a farther inquiry, might hear some rumour concerning this coast, steer his course thither, and there die of a surfeit. But this I leave to the critics. Here I shall only mention the most fertile fields of Lardana and Ossulia. The delicious situation of Mortadella, the pleasantest of places, had wonderfully delighted me, had it not been for the salt-works which often approach too near it. There is an offensive stinking town called Formagium, alias b.u.t.terboxia, and Mantica, a boggy place near the confines of Ivronia.

I hasten to the metropolis of the whole region, which, whether you respect the uniformity of the building, the manners of the people, or their way of living, their rules for behaviour, their law and justice, will show as much as if I were to descend to particulars.