I Shouldn't Be Telling You This Part 3

Make sure you deserve what you're asking for. It just makes it easier. A few weeks after I told the group of young women the Bob story, one of them went to her boss at the magazine and said she wanted a fifteen-thousand-dollar raise. She had recently been given a big new a.s.signment that involved not only editing a series of special sections but also promoting them through other platforms. Well, I was touched that she'd been inspired, but there was one little problem: she hadn't done anything yet to deserve a raise.

You shouldn't ask when you have nothing to show yet. A few months' worth of doing more than you've been told to do doesn't necessarily deserve a raise or promotion. Not only are you unlikely to score anything, but you'll also undermine your credibility for when you're really ready.

If you do have plenty to show, pull all the info together and be sure of your facts and stats. Profits are up in your area? Great, but by how much exactly? You don't necessarily have to go in with a PowerPoint presentation, but have a fact sheet with you and a copy for your boss to follow.

Know the ZOPA. ZOPA stands for "zone of possible agreement." It's a term I first heard from a woman who'd attended business school at Wharton, and it reflects a strategy that's recommended for negotiating. When you head in to ask for something, you need to be aware of the range of what will satisfy you-in terms of money, perks, and opportunities. Knowing what your range is in advance allows you to respond effectively and not settle for something that you'll later regret.

But here's the other half of that strategy: you also have to have a sense of what the other person's range is. That helps point you to what "middle" or zone the two of you could meet in. I think a lot of women get so nervous or focused on their own needs that they don't estimate what numbers and terms the other person has in mind. And that can lead to trouble.

Consider what happened to a former colleague of mine who was up for a job as a deputy editor position at a new magazine. This woman, let's call her Allison, had taken time off from her career to be with her young kids, and it was proving tricky to reenter the field. The job would be perfect for Allison, and she wanted it badly. Toward the end of the interview, the conversation started to skirt the topic of salary, and Allison announced the amount she was looking for (a no-no, which I'll talk about later), based on what she thought was the going rate for a deputy editor. The editor in chief nearly flinched. She said they were paying significantly less than that amount. Allison felt put off by that info-she thought she was being taken advantage of-and realized later that she'd probably shown it. From that moment on, the conversation never got back on track.

Later, after the job went to someone else, Allison found out through the industry grapevine that the magazine was being done on the cheap as a kind of an experiment and no one had been insulting her by throwing out such a low number. Though the salary wasn't what she had envisioned, she could have leveraged the job into a better-paying one later. Not knowing the ZOPA cost her.

So how can you figure out both numbers-yours and theirs? Use the Internet to determine a ballpark idea of what comparable jobs pay. Up for a raise? If your company always gives 3 percent merit raises, you might be able to nab one higher, but something like 12 percent is probably waaaay out of the question.

To determine the bottom amount you could accept, figure out your fixed living costs-your rent or mortgage, commuting fees, food, clothes and accessories, and quality-of-life costs, such as vacation travel. But regardless of what you could live on, aim high. Take the number you think you could snag based on the job and your skills and pad it, knowing you'll probably be negotiating.

Be clear and concise-and leave the emo at the door. With your prep work done, you're ready to ask. If you are angling for a raise and/or promotion at your current job, don't ambush your boss. Set up a meeting with him instead, and be sure to do it far in advance of raise time (if you do it too close to the day raises are announced, your boss may have already submitted a number for you). Get right to the point. Perhaps you've been the a.s.sistant manager of a restaurant for a year and business is up 20 percent. You've suggested some changes to the menu that worked and also found clever, inexpensive ways to promote the restaurant through social media. Here's what you could say to your boss: "I love my job here. I appreciate all your support with my efforts, and it's been exciting to see the results. As you know, business is up twenty percent over last year at this time [hand her the memo sheet now]. I'd like you to consider changing my t.i.tle to [fill in the blank] and taking my salary up to [fill in blank]. I'd really like to show you what I could do in this new role."

If you are interviewing for a new job and have just been offered it, let the interviewer name the salary number. It could be higher than what you had in mind. And then, no matter what figure the other person names, always ask for more. (This is generally true with raises, too, unless they hit your mark.) That's because a prospective boss is almost certainly lowballing you, hoping to take the smallest bite possible out of his budget. Let's say, for instance, that a prospective employer has just offered you $50,000. And hey, $50,000 is actually in your zone. But don't accept it. Instead tell him, "I'm very pleased to be offered the job. I would love to work here, and I think I have a lot of to contribute. But I was hoping for $60,000." (That number allows him to find something in the middle that could still make you happy.) Then sit there with your lips tightly zipped. There's a more-than-decent chance that the person will make a counteroffer. If he says, "I can do that," great. If he offers $53,000, give it one more try. Say, "Is there any chance you can do a bit better?" He may say he'll have to get back to you. Remind him you'd love the job and tough it out (a frozen margarita that night can help!). When he comes back with $55,000 the next day, it will all be worth it. And if they insist you name a number? Be both realistic but generous to yourself, and add that you're open to discussion.

Give the person across from you a nod. One nice (and important touch) when you're asking your boss for something is to acknowledge the issues he's facing at the moment. It's easy to become so wrapped up in taking care of your own needs that you don't consider what's on the other person's mind. And generally what's on his mind is "What about me?" He's wondering how your request for more money or more time working from home or whatever is going to affect him.

Try saying something such as "I know you've got many challenges right now." It helps if the other person senses that you're not seeing things only from your own perspective. But be sure not to look like you're caving.

Do not mention your personal woes when asking. Trust me, an employer doesn't care about your college loans or the fact that your landlord just jacked up your rent. All discussion should center on why professionally you deserve what you're asking for and what great things you'll be doing in the months ahead.

Know that asking is always easier than asking again. Sometimes women are so timid about fully stating what they want that they make their request too vague. Then, when they're displeased with what they receive, they have to try again and this time clarify their request. And it's much harder to get something the second time around. The other player views the situation as water under the bridge. Avoid ever having to ask again.

A few months ago I b.u.mped into a friend and business a.s.sociate of mine, Carol Fitzgerald, founder and president of Bookreporter, at the registration desk of a luxury hotel in Miami. The desk clerk had just explained that Fitzgerald's room was ready and was about to print out the key. In a sense, when you register at a hotel, it's an asking moment. If you've booked a room, they give it to you but some rooms are better than others.

Right then, I saw Fitzgerald do something very intriguing. She lightly tapped her credit card on the counter five or six times and asked the desk clerk nicely. "Am I going to really like this room? Or do you think I'll be down here ten minutes from now trying to change it for another one?" The desk clerk smiled, typed some things into her computer, and then said, "Why don't we put you in this room instead?"

Fitzgerald made it clear up front that she wanted the best room available-no need to traipse back downstairs later and attempt to ask for a better one.

Antic.i.p.ate the negatives in advance and deal with them on the front end. That's something I learned later than I would have liked, but once I caught on, I never stopped using it.

Here's why. If the other side comes back to you having learned about the negatives, it puts you on the defensive. You can still dig yourself out, but it's tougher. Plus, once they've considered potential problems, their minds may be made up. You don't want them to go there without your framing the situation.

This trick came in handy when we were negotiating to get Adele on the cover of Cosmo. As an artist she burst onto the scene in a huge way in 2011, and once I learned more about her, I was sure our readers would love to see her on the December issue.

Adele hadn't done any U.S. covers yet, so I doubted that we'd have trouble booking her. Wrong. Though Adele's publicist responded enthusiastically to my entertainment editor, there was one hitch: Adele was booked to do the March 2012 cover of a compet.i.tive magazine. The publicist said he would have to go back to that magazine and make sure it was okay for Adele to do us in advance. I knew in my bones that the other magazine would demand to go first.

Of course, there had been plenty of times when that compet.i.tor had followed us with cover girls. But if Adele's people came back to us with "Sorry, we can't," we'd seem defensive if we suddenly said, "Oh, but they often follow us." The decision would have been made, and they probably wouldn't want to change it.

So here's what we did. I had my entertainment editor make a list of all the times this compet.i.tor had followed us with cover subjects and send it to Adele's reps before they went back to our compet.i.tor. The entertainment editor told the rep, "As you can see, they often follow us, so it shouldn't be a problem." That way if the compet.i.tor said they didn't want to let Adele pose for us, her management would have viewed them as being difficult. I don't know what happened in the conversation; all I know is that Adele posed for the December cover.

Here's what you do when they say no. Never scurry away with your tail between your legs. Remember what Bob said: "Now we're ready to negotiate." You want to walk away with something. If you don't get the raise you want, ask for a t.i.tle change, an extra week of vacation, the chance to attend a key event, a spot bonus, or another review in six months.

The trick is to have your backups clearly in mind so you can bring them up at the right moment. That's what comic Amy Schumer did. She'd been on the short list to be one of the four comics who wrote the Charlie Sheen roast for Comedy Central. In the end the committee decided not to go with her. What did she do? "I told them, 'Well, can I be on the show, then?' " Done!

{ Success Style: 10 Easy Steps }.

A photo editor I used to work with was a fantastic but obsessive dresser who sometimes went home to change at midday if he felt that his outfit wasn't really working. He told me that one of the most embarra.s.sing fashion moments he'd ever experienced was when he was walking down the street in head-to-toe Gucci, thinking his ensemble was perfectly fabulous, and two male fashionistas approached him coming the other way. He sensed he was about to get a nod of approval from them, but instead they shook their heads in unison, and one of them exclaimed, "No, no, no!"

Fortunately, most of us are never going to have strangers commenting on our workday style that way, but how you look really does matter. People will judge you on your appearance, sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing it. The standards will vary, too. In some fields, it's all about how stylish you are, in others it's how unstylish, and still in others it's how well you manage to look professional without your clothes seeming to say a peep.

Here are ten style strategies to follow in most work situations.

1. It's absolutely true what they say: dress for the job you aspire to. There are a lot of workplaces where you can dress casually or even totally grunge. But just because everyone in your pay grade is doing so with management's blessing, it doesn't mean you should. How does your boss dress? That's who you should be modeling yourself after, not your peers. Even pay attention to what your boss's boss wears. And just because your workplace supports casual Friday doesn't mean you have to adhere to it. I never, ever have.

2. Invest in a killer handbag. Yes, a designer bag if you can swing it, and if not, something great from a place such as Coach or a bit pricier, such as Tory Burch. If you can't afford a pricey bag at the moment, purchase a good-looking budget one but not a cheap purse that has just any logo on it. Those generally look lame. (The brands are meaningless, so why the logo?) Ariel Lawrence, a fabulous stylist I've worked with who has both TV and private clients, says that you can also find great designer bags cheaply on eBay or even at resale stores. There's also the website Bag Borrow or Steal, where you can rent a designer bag by the week. It's not very cost-effective, but it can make sense for a week when you've got a bunch of important interviews lined up.

3. Buy great-looking shoes, too. Most women you interact with professionally will notice your shoes. And though guys say they don't notice, on a subliminal level they're certainly picking up on things such as run-down heels and scuff marks, and even whether you seem really pulled together. The great news about shoes, as Lawrence points out, is that companies such as Guess and 9 West knock off designer shoes almost instantly, so check out what's being shown in magazines and online and then buy the knockoffs.

4. If you're building a new work wardrobe because you're right out of college or entering a new field, devise a clothing budget and plan for yourself. Start by purchasing the absolutely best cla.s.sic and interchangeable basics (pants, skirts, dresses, jackets) you can afford. Add trendy accessories and tops at lower price points because those don't have to hold up as well-and in those categories, inexpensive is less likely to translate as cheap.

Lawrence's suggestion for a starter wardrobe: a black dress, a fitted black jacket, black pants, a black skirt, a camel-colored skirt, a white blouse, a trendy-looking cardigan in a color (red could be good, for instance), several cool, inexpensive blouses (from places such as H&M or Zara) that pick up or work with the color of the cardigan and will go with your pants and skirts. For shoes, go for black heels and a pair of colored ones (they will make one of your all-black outfits look totally fab). Then build from there.

5. Buy clothes that fit you. Clothes that don't fit right or flatter your shape look unprofessional, and that's the biggest mistake that Lawrence sees women making. "Unfortunately, saleswomen often lie to get the business," she says. "They'll encourage you to buy a certain skirt, for instance, and though the skirt is cute, it's the wrong length for your height or makes your hips look too big. If possible, shop with a great friend who'll be honest. The main thing you're looking for are the styles that really work with your shape. I had a client who wanted to buy this Michael Kors maxi dress, and I had to remind her, 'You're five two.' Once you've nailed down the clothing shapes that flatter your body shape, it's easier to shop on your own."

From there you can even begin to develop a fab signature look that you're known and remembered for in a great way. I love how Morning Joe cohost Mika Brzezinski has made a signature look of gorgeous, sleeveless shifts that show off her amazing guns!

6. Do not wear a puffer coat to work in winter. Okay, if it's really, really cold, that's one thing. But if you want to look professional, you need a cla.s.sic coat in black or camel. For warmer weather or climates, Lawrence swears by a khaki trench.

7. Get a serious haircut. You should have a cut that says you mean business, that you do more in the morning than roll out of bed and toss your strands out of your eyes. Through word of mouth, find a good salon (many salons offer free cuts by young, upcoming stylists), and if it doesn't give you a cut that's super, go someplace else the next time. In many workplaces-particularly anyplace that's creative-you can get away with wearing your hair long if you want. Just make sure it's trimmed of split ends, conditioned, and never straggly-looking. If you work in a conservative environment, you probably shouldn't wear it longer than just below your shoulders. It screams coed or boho.

8. Have your eyebrows professionally shaped. After looking at tons of pictures of models and celebrities over the years, I realize how important good brows are to making your face look gorgeous and your appearance pulled together. (If you don't believe me, go online and compare pictures of Angelina Jolie now to when she was married to Billy Bob. People thought the vial of blood around her neck was all wrong, but that's nothing compared to the eyebrows she had then.) Women who do their own brows often shape them incorrectly without even realizing it. (Hint: Do yours bear any resemblance to commas, hockey sticks, or sperm? They shouldn't.) So find a salon-via word of mouth is the best way-that will do a good job (the one I love in New York City is Sania's Brow Bar; Sania is masterful!). It's worth the price to have them done professionally. Warning: Don't let someone make your brows too thin, because overplucked eyebrows often don't grow back. If someone scalps you, find another salon. And once you have the perfect brows, pencil them every day with a Shobha eye pencil (www.myshobha.com). It's a fantastic tool.

9. Develop a signature look with your makeup, too. That doesn't mean you can't experiment and have fun, especially at night, but calling a look your own really adds clout. I always found Kim Kardashian striking in her photos, but when I had lunch with her in Manhattan I realized how jaw-dropping attractive she is in person. Okay, she's got great hair, great eyes, great bone structure, but it's also about her makeup. I especially love what she does with her mouth: nude or pink lipstick with lots of gloss on top. It's not right for everyone, but on her it's totally arresting and you never forget it. Whatever you choose as your trademark doesn't have to be complicated. One of my favorite editors in chief wears just one item of makeup as far as I can tell: red lipstick. But it looks awesome and is very much her look. As for fragrance, I'd worry less about finding your signature scent and focus on being very, very subtle. A lot of people hate being subjected to fragrance in the workplace. And it can really put a damper on a job interview or meeting.

10. Don't hesitate to dazzle. In some jobs you still have to dress conservatively. But to me there is nothing more mind-numbingly boring than a matching jacket and skirt, particularly if it's navy blue, and I think there's plenty of wiggle room in most fields today. If you look fantastic and fashion forward, you'll feel more confident and people will notice and remember you.

{Why You Should Get in Touch with Your b.i.t.c.h Envy}.

There is an interesting phenomenon that sometimes happens when you're finding your way in a career and trying to make your mark. You come into contact with a chick-maybe she sits a few cubicles away or down the hall-who can only be described as a b.i.t.c.h. She brownnoses the boss in a gag-worthy way he fails to see through, hogs the limelight at meetings, and sneakily secures little perks and opportunities that no one else manages to score. And it annoys the freaking h.e.l.l out of you.

I first had that kind of experience when I was working in the articles department at Glamour. About two years after I moved into the department as a writer, the articles editor who ran the department hired a recent college grad-I'll call her Jackie-as her editorial a.s.sistant. The young women who worked as junior editors and writers in the department were all generally nice and thoughtful, and everyone graciously welcomed Jackie when she arrived. But it was soon clear our new coworker was a different type of player. Jackie was loud, brash, and utterly intent on getting everything she wanted.

There were two things in particular that I found irksome about her behavior. Right after college she had attended a fancy six-week intensive publishing program, and not only had it left her with this smug sense of ent.i.tlement, but she'd also met tons of cool, dynamic people there who were all now in entry-level positions like her. She was constantly dropping their names and where they worked and where they'd be having drinks that night. She made it sound as though they were the Bloomsbury group.

The other annoying thing: She soon convinced her boss to let her try her hand at editing articles, something that I, as a writer, wasn't even doing yet. And to make it worse, she always provided everyone in the department with a verbal play-by-play of her efforts-"I can't right now," she'd say. "I have to edit this huge health feature we're doing this month." How freaking pushy, I remember thinking. Clearly her boss didn't know how to say no to her.

Years pa.s.sed before I saw what truly bugged me about Jackie. Yes, she was unpleasant to be around, but the main source of my irritation was that she was doing stuff that deep down I knew I should be doing. And that's the thing you need to recognize about the work b.i.t.c.h. Part of why she galls you may be that you secretly envy her. She's making moves and winning points in ways that you wish you could pull off yourself.

Envy can seem like such a nasty feeling that you may find yourself trying to squelch it when it rears its ugly head or even reframing it. But envy has lots of benefits if you acknowledge it and use it right. First, you have to redirect envy-away from the other person and back to yourself. Instead of telling yourself, "I can't stand that b.i.t.c.h," realize that deep down what you may be thinking is "d.a.m.n, I want some of what she's got."

In my own case, I sucked at networking. I was envious of all those contacts Jackie had and how she used them. And I wanted to be editing. I just hadn't had the nerve to ask.

So if there's a b.i.t.c.h in your midst, instead of hating on her, start taking notes. Do you wish you had some of her skills, nerve, gumption, and b.u.t.t-kissing talent? Do you secretly admire her ability to go big or go home, ingratiate herself, speak up, or ma.s.sage the boss's ego? Envy can be a good thing if you flip it around and see what it's telling you about yourself.

Something I need to add: This book is loaded with tips on learning what you need to know, promoting yourself, going big, breaking the rules, and even engaging in the right kind of b.u.t.t kissing. Read them and use them. But being gutsy doesn't have to translate, as it did with Jackie, into being tough to be around. It's good to have your coworkers' respect even if they don't always like you. That prevents them from trying to undermine you and helps creates allies for down the road. Some good rules of thumb: * Go after what you want but not if it clearly belongs to someone else.

* Dazzle your boss but don't make your colleagues listen to the details. And avoid humble bragging, which involves showing off while couching it as some sort of self-deprecation. (I.e., this is a tweet that showed up on the @humblebrag hall of fame: "What the heck does one wear to a meeting at the Style network? Seriously.") * Go big but not if it means throwing someone under the bus. One way to judge how colleagues view you is to pay attention to their interactions with you. If they exclude you from conversations and group lunches, if they often seem hostile, it may be because your actions have become galling rather than simply gutsy.

{ 4 Tips for Masterfully Managing Your Boss }.

I have had both good bosses and bad bosses in my career, which I'm sure is true for many people. There was, for instance, Art Cooper, who went on to become the legendary editor of GQ and who once sent me to interview Helen Gurley Brown because he said he could picture me as editor of Cosmopolitan one day (good boss!). And then there was the boss who asked me to come by her apartment one Sat.u.r.day and, once I arrived, seemed to be hinting that I try a threesome with her and the smoking-jacketed married man she was seeing (ugh, bad boss!).

Within days of starting to work for someone, you will have a visceral sense of whether you've signed on with a good boss or bad boss. Does your boss listen? Give clear instructions and challenge you to really go for it? Inspire you? Praise what you do well? Critique you fairly? If yes, good for you! This is going to make it easier for you to succeed. But if you've been handed a bad boss, don't despair. A bad boss can be a ticket for success as well. Of course, it will be tough to achieve much of anything if your boss has created a toxic work setting or is failing at her job, and the only real rule to follow in that kind of situation is to escape as quickly as you can-go to a new department, new company, whatever. But if your bad boss is simply a larda.s.s, that can be a real a.s.set for you because she may turn over all sorts of projects to you that will advance your skills and reputation.

So at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your boss is good or bad, as long as you end up with the opportunities and credit you need. You just have to be smart about how you handle the situation.

Let's start, then, with the premise that you are working for either a good boss or a good bad boss. I'm going to tell you four little things you need to know to manage your boss effectively and gain all you can from the relationship. At this point you may be thinking "Wait, isn't doing a great job enough?" Unfortunately, it isn't. Bosses are human, and little things can get under their skin and rub them the wrong way.

1. Your boss has both sweet spots and hot spots, and you need to determine what they are. Sweet spots are the little things that he responds to positively, such as punctuality, fast turnaround, or frequent updates. Hit those sweet spots as much as you can. Of course, it's a given that you are doing your job well. But seemingly little things matter to bosses, too.

His hot spots are the behaviors that seriously p.i.s.s him off, such as tardiness or long-winded answers or even something minor, such as your wearing your iPod at your desk. Avoid touching those hot spots.

How do you know what his sweet spots and hot spots are? Dr. Mark Howell, a New York psychotherapist who has helped me a lot in my research over the years, says that "you have to play the scientist" in the landscape of your office, gathering the data you need. "First," he says, listen to the gossip around your workplace. That can tell you so much. If there are negative aspects to your boss, you'll learn about them if you pay attention to what people say."

Sometimes you have to listen between the lines, though, because coworkers may be too nervous to be blunt. Note their tone of voice and loaded-sounding phrases. A comment such as "I wouldn't go in there just now" can tell you your boss gets moody or difficult at certain times of the day or when he hears bad news.

Next, says Dr. Howell, make an effort to register when your boss is pleased and displeased." For instance, does she just stare at you when you walk in at 9:30 A.M.? That probably means she wants you in earlier.

You can learn a lot just by paying attention to comments your boss makes about others. I had a boss who on several occasions mentioned receiving a handwritten note from someone. This kind of gesture was important to her and she was sharing that information indirectly.

Once you've gathered your data, act accordingly. If all this seems like common sense, trust me, it isn't. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in the workplace is ignoring both a boss's sweet spots and hot spots or behaving based on what their own needs are or how they acted with a former boss. Your boss isn't you, and the same things might not matter to her. And no two bosses are alike. In fact, what might be a sweet spot for one boss can be a hot spot for another. For instance, some bosses like you to hover; others hate it.

One of my annoying traits as a boss is that when I ask for info, I tend to want it ridiculously soon. Anyone who has worked for me and has taken the time, as Howell suggests, to register what pleases and displeases me would discover this easily. Because if I've asked you for something and haven't heard back in a day or two, I will ask again. And that should be an oops moment for you-as in "Oops, I should have given her an update." But it's shocking to me the number of young staffers I've had to pester with e-mails and phone calls, asking "Do you have that info yet?"

When I look at the people I've promoted, they're always the ones I never had to chase down for information but rather who were always bursting into my office with news.

Unfortunately, sometimes as much as you play the scientist, you may not see a boss's hot spot until she calls you into her office and chews you out. That happened to me with Art Cooper. I was his senior editor at Family Weekly, and I sensed that overall I was doing a good job. But after lavishing praise on me in my first review, Art shocked me by adding a criticism. He said I had "a tendency to dig in my heels." You won't believe what I did right then and there. I started to say, "But it's not digging in my heels. I just always want you to know why I made a certain decision." Fortunately, at twenty-eight, I'd learned a few things, and I shut my trap after "But." Then, a second later, I told him, "I understand. I will definitely correct that in the future."

And that brings me to: 2. Bosses really want to be heard. They want to know that you're on board with their mission and are going to execute it. Listen carefully. Listen, too, between the lines. Pick up on any recurring phrases. Nod when your boss is talking. Take notes. Seem enthusiastic about the mission. When your boss makes suggestions about your work activities, follow up on them. In discussions, make references to his mission for your area or department. (As you move up the ladder and have people reporting to you, make sure they know your boss's mission, too.) When your boss does something nice for you, don't simply smile, a.s.suming you deserved it. Act grateful, write a note. (Grat.i.tude can also help prevent a boss from feeling threatened.) What if you disagree with your boss on a particular decision? First ask yourself if you think there's a chance you can change his mind because if the answer is no, it may not be worth the effort to try. But if you sense that he will-maybe because he simply hasn't digested all the relevant info-and you don't want him to make a bad decision, choose your words carefully. Avoid using blunt phrases such as "I disagree," or suggesting he's wrong. Cast the situation in terms of simply offering more info. You could say something like "I hear what you're saying. But can I show you some additional information? It throws an interesting light on the situation." That will allow him to reconsider based on new information rather than having to admit he was wrong. If he doesn't seem interested, back off. You beat a dead horse at your own peril.

3. Bosses want your loyalty. Do not be seen whispering with coworkers-your boss will a.s.sume you're talking about her. Never go around her. Do not, under any circ.u.mstances, violate a confidence. If you are looking for another job, be as discreet as you possibly can. Don't allow a friendship to develop between you and your boss. That situation can be loaded with land mines. If your boss confides details about her personal life, don't share back. So you don't seem impolite, bring up a juicy article you just read or a show you watched. This makes it seem like you're dishing.

4. Bosses like to have their b.u.t.ts kissed. Sorry, but it's true. Let your boss know that you like her ideas, appreciate her support, and are excited to be in her presence. Be sincere by focusing on the things you really do like and/or respect. Years ago someone told me that certain staffers were concerned that I didn't realize that one of their colleagues was always trying to kiss my a.s.s. I laughed. "Of course I know she's an a.s.s kisser," I said. "And I appreciate the fact that she's smart enough to do it."

Special Advice for Dealing with a Boss Who Takes Over from Your Old One Employees sometimes make the mistake of thinking that since they're already established in the company, the new boss is the one who has to prove herself, and that they're fairly well protected. Wrong. New bosses frequently have carte blanche to overhaul the department and get rid of anyone who doesn't appear to be on board.

Let a new boss know right away that you are excited to have her there. Look enthused about her mission when she shares it. (If you're not, fake it until you can find another job.) And-this is important-ask what you can do to help her to transition. That will carry a huge amount of weight with her.

{ How to Dazzle at a Meeting }.

Not long after you start a job, you will probably be asked to attend your first meeting there. Meetings are a great opportunity for you to impress your boss and peers. But if you aren't prepared, you can also come across as a b.o.o.b. I've probably held way over a thousand meetings in my career, and I've loved watching some of my staffers really strut their stuff in them. They've also been a perfect way to get a closer look at those on staff who don't report directly to me.

Yet unfortunately, for every person who's dazzled me at a meeting, there have been many more who have never volunteered a single solitary idea and have sat there with their jaws totally slack, as if I were up at the head of the table reading the instructions for installing a plasma-screen TV.

Never miss the chance to shine at a meeting. Meetings may sometimes seem very casual, and you may not even be called on to partic.i.p.ate, but your boss is paying attention to how you perform. If you contribute and look engrossed, it will raise his opinion of you and may even lead to new a.s.signments. If you do poorly, you will lose ground-and you may not be invited back.

Here are ten fail-proof strategies: 1. Be sure you know what the meeting's about. Reread the e-mail. If you are new, ask around to see what's generally expected, and come prepared.

2. Never be late-and get there early enough to grab a good seat. If you're not one of your boss's top people, don't sit right next to her like a big brownnose, but find a spot close enough to show you're delighted to be one of the partic.i.p.ants.

3. Arrive with a game-on att.i.tude. Seem enthused, excited about the agenda. This really sends a good message. When a promoted Cosmo staffer was suddenly included in a monthly meeting, I loved that she came in full makeup.

4. Always bring something to take notes with-your iPad or a pad and pencil. Turn your cell phone off. And I wouldn't think I'd have to say not to use your iPhone or BlackBerry during a meeting, but I've often seen people make that dumb mistake.

5. Lean in. Women sometimes come across as tentative at meetings. One reason for this: they don't belly up to the table. If you hang back, other partic.i.p.ants may not hear you when you speak-or may even ignore your remarks because you don't seem fully engaged. The body language expert Janine Driver recommends that you sit on the first third of your chair during a meeting and lean in when you speak, indicating that you have something important you want to get across.

6. When you do have something to contribute, don't just blurt it out. Instead, lead into it with some kind of introductory statement. That helps grab people's attention. Pause a moment before continuing-you want to make sure people are looking your way and know you are about to speak. Otherwise, someone may trample over your idea verbally and you'll have to start again-awkwardly.

What kind of introductory comment works? If you're established in your job and feel comfortable with your boss, I think it's fine to gain the floor with a gutsy statement-such as "I have an idea that I think could save us at least twenty-five thousand dollars a year in shipping costs." But Andrea Kaplan, the head of Andrea Kaplan Public Relations and one of the most brilliant people I know at idea pitching, cautions about being that bold when you are first starting out. "Early in your career, part of what you're doing when you're first pitching ideas is gaining a confidence level," she says. "So you want to do everything possible to get a good response. If you announce, 'I have a great idea,' it puts too big a spotlight on you, and if everyone turns up their noses, you can feel deflated." Instead, she suggests making your intro statement a bit subtler, such as "Here's a thought. What if we were to . . . ?"

7. Avoid a lot of warm-up with your actual idea. I've noticed that women often have a tendency to explain their thinking first ("I came across a study that said . . .") rather than get right to the point. By the time they describe the actual idea, they've lost people's attention despite how good the concept may be. Then some guy brings the same idea up succinctly two minutes later, and everyone gushes over it.

When you speak, also be careful not to use fillers such as "um" (practice delivering your ideas ahead of time), or end statements so they sound like a question. "We could do it in California?" Studies show that women are particularly guilty of these habits. And lock your hands to the table so they don't flail around or touch your hair.

8. If you were asked to come to a meeting with ideas, do not, under any circ.u.mstances, arrive empty-handed and try to blend into the surroundings. Your boss will notice if you don't volunteer anything. And don't think of your ideas ten minutes before you dash in the door. I can always spot those lame-a.s.s ideas, as well as the ones made up on the spot based on what someone else just said. The best time to begin thinking of your ideas is as soon as you receive a notice about the meeting. Rather than putting off the task until you "have more time," tell yourself you're going to take thirty minutes ASAP to come up with some initial ideas. This will actually save you time in the long run because over the next few days your subconscious will be on the lookout for ways to flesh out and add to what you've come up with. It also allows you the chance to polish the good ideas and dump the stupid ones.

9. Get a sense of your meeting face. I can't tell you how many people look bored at meetings or even kind of sad. I had a staffer at one magazine who never sat at a meeting without looking as though her kitty cat had just been crushed by a Mack truck. I'm sure that most people have no idea that they appear that way, but though they may be blameless, the damage is still done. They come across as unengaged, and they can even end up sucking the energy out of the room, which bosses hate. So try to catch your reflection in the window or the flat-screen monitor during the meeting-or, when you're alone later, rea.s.sume the expression you think you were wearing and check it out in a mirror. Do you seem invested, interested, enthusiastic? If not, fix it!