I Know It's Over Part 9

"I have a game tonight." I didn't like the way the conversation was going. How was I supposed to concentrate on selling sports equipment and playing hockey when I didn't know what was going on between us?

"Tomorrow, then."

"Okay." I was p.i.s.sed off with her for making me feel like what'd happened was my fault, but I didn't let it show. I thought about Sasha's parents and the stupid home-decorating show, messing up the plan. There must've been something Sasha could've said to change their minds. She could've tried a little harder.

The situation was in the back of my head all day, but I worked around it and the next day Sasha came over with her parents' permission, smoothing her hair nervously back behind her ears and whispering something about going outside. I threw my coat on and followed her out the front door. She shoved her hands deep into her pockets, sniffling in the cold. "You look mad," she said. "Are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad." Edgy, more like. "Tell me what's going on, Sasha. What happened to the plan?"

"Plans don't always work out the way you want them to." Lines crisscrossed her forehead as she curved inward. "I've been thinking a lot the past couple days and the problem is..." She skimmed the back of my hand with her fingers. "The problem is when I'm around you, I don't think clearly. I just get caught up in...everything that goes along with being with you." Her words were getting choppy and she was blinking like crazy. "Not that I didn't want to be with you, but it's like...I can't get a grip...so maybe I'm still not ready for..." She searched my face. "I thought maybe if we took some time..." Her voice trailed off and the dread was so thick in the air that it stopped me dead in my tracks.

"You're breaking up with me?" I winced as I said it. I couldn't believe we were back there again after everything we'd been through. "This is because of Friday. You're freaking out, I know. We should just go and-" I was freaking out too, but it was because of her. She couldn't break up with me for something I wanted to fix.

"I'm not breaking up with you," she cut in, her eyes as unhappy as I'd ever seen them. "But something like Friday happens and it turns into this big thing we have to deal with on our own so, yeah, it freaks me out. I don't want to have to worry about things like that now. I want to worry about school. Stupid things even. What I'm going to wear to Lindsay's Halloween party. Not about trying to get on the pill in case we have an accident."

"Sasha." I put my hand on her back. She squashed her lashes shut, her spine shaky under my palm. It killed me to see her worked up like that. "It's okay. We'll stop doing it if that's how you feel." I didn't want to stop sleeping together, but I'd do it for her. It wasn't the worst thing that could happen.

"I knew you'd say that." She reached out and squeezed my other hand. "But it's not that easy when we're alone and in the middle of things. I mean for both of us. If we took some time off-"

"What do you mean by time off?" My neighbor Mrs. Ghomeshi strolled past with her daughter, the two of them in identical plaid scarves, and I waved at them, but I wasn't smiling. "It sounds like breaking up."

"It's just temporary. So we can get a handle on things." Sasha dug her fingers into my skin. Her mouth dropped open as she watched me. "I'm sorry. You know how I feel about you, don't you? I just...I need this."

"This is another test, isn't it? Like Halloween." My eyes were burning from the inside. I hated that she could do that to me. I was trying to be careful with her and she was breaking up with me. "So how does this one work? If we don't talk for three months, you'll be my friend?"

Sasha exhaled. Her breath was white on the air. "You're twisting my words. Would you please just listen to what I'm saying? I need to slow this down and get my head together. But we can still talk. And if we can handle that, maybe we'll be able to handle other things too."

"That's great," I said bitterly. "So generous of you. Thank you." I pressed my palms together and bowed.

"Nick!" She called for me as I turned away, but I kept walking. I walked all the way out to the main road and stared at the traffic. Somebody honked at me. A girl in a cheap domestic car. I didn't recognize her, but she pulled up to the curb, rolled down her window, and motioned towards me. I trudged, zombie-like, to the car. People could've walked straight up to me and asked me to tie their shoes or drop their letters in the nearest mailbox. I probably would've done those things too.

"What?" I said. And then I saw it was Dani, looking as blond and gorgeous as ever.

"Well, hi to you too," she said, frowning. "I just wondered if you needed a ride. It's pretty cold."

It was cold, but it didn't matter. "Okay." I shrugged. "Thanks."

"No problem." She'd never been to my house, so I had to give her directions. I must've sounded strange because she said, "Are you okay?"

No, not really. I mumbled something about Sasha breaking it off and Dani's eyes rocketed over to mine. "You're kidding," she said. "I was sure you'd be the one ending it." She reached over and touched my shoulder. "Sorry you're upset and all, but I just couldn't ever see the two of you together." Whatever, Dani. "Trust me, you'll be okay."

"Yeah, maybe by graduation," I muttered as we pulled into my drive.

Dani gave me a weird look, like she didn't know whether I was joking or not. I smiled, but I could feel it come out wrong. Like a psycho that hunted down young girls in cheap cars or old ladies who took the bus. I thanked her for the ride and got out of the car. Dani would tell Vix and the rest of the girls and the girls would tell the guys and the guys (especially Keelor) would give me s.p.a.ced-out looks and say Sasha wasn't worth worrying about. This would all happen before eleven o'clock Monday morning and I seriously thought about staying home on Monday. Not to avoid that but to avoid Sasha.

What actually happened was even more pathetic. Sasha texted me at nine-thirty Sunday night and asked me to meet her at Coffee Time during law cla.s.s on Monday. Sasha skipping cla.s.s would've been a first and I didn't want to look at her face and her stupid little hands on the coffee cup, but I went. I couldn't stop myself.

I finished a hot chocolate before she got there and when she walked in, my chest started to collapse. Two older guys in short leather jackets turned to eye her up. Their crooked smiles made it obvious they were having dirty thoughts about her and that got me so mad that I wanted to kick their teeth in. Sasha went to the counter, bought two coffees, and sat down across from me. "Are you still talking to me?" she asked, sliding one of the coffees over to me.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"Yeah, thanks. I was scared you wouldn't come." She took a sip of coffee, her focus shifting between me and the laminated table.

"So what's this about?" I demanded. "Are you gonna tell me what I'm doing here?"

Sasha knotted a strand of her hair tightly around one finger, her face sinking into her hands. "You're not going to let me do this, are you? Can't we at least try? Maybe if we take it slow for a while, we could get back to the way things were in the beginning and-"

"You keep saying that like it's not breaking up." I leaned over the table, steam from the coffee warming my chin. "So did you get things taken care of?" I thought it'd probably be okay anyway, that it was the least of our problems, but she was making such a big deal about cutting out s.e.x.

Sasha shook her head and played with her plastic lid. "I almost did. I was going to. I chickened out, I guess." She lowered her voice and added, "You didn't finish until you put the other condom on anyway, right?"

She knew the facts as well as I did. She was there.

I was still angry, but I was so far from being over her that I shoved my hard feelings aside and said, "I'm sure you're okay, but look, we'll stop all that. I get that you're not ready for s.e.x. It's not a problem-and that's not just something I'm saying."

"It's a break, Nick. I need one." Her voice cracked in frustration. "We'll see each other at school. We'll talk."

"Go out with other people," I added sullenly. "Because that's the way it'll turn out, you know."

"No, it won't. Not for me." Sasha's tone was definite, but her eyes were glossy. She smeared her tears across the bridge of her nose and stared me down. "What you do is up to you."

And suddenly it was. I didn't have to worry about being careful anymore. I could do whatever I wanted. There was no one to stop me. I wanted to feel happy about it. f.u.c.k you, Sasha. You think you're so much better than everyone else, but you're nothing special. I don't know why I wasted my time. But inside I just felt cold. Like nothing mattered anymore.

I stood up and zipped my jacket. "So I'll see you at school, then."

"Nick!" She followed me outside and cut in front of me. I laughed hollowly, but she was crying. My chest filled with salt. It stuck to my ribs and rushed up to my throat, burning my insides raw. Sasha wrapped her arms around me and hugged me like it was the end of the world. "Trust me; we can do this," she said.

But we couldn't.

By the end of the week I was avoiding her in the halls and by the end of the next week she was avoiding me too. I wanted to talk to her. Every time I saw her in law cla.s.s, her head facing front like she couldn't feel me staring at her, I wanted to stand next to her desk and ask if we could start over. At first I was too angry to do it and by the third week I was sure she hated my guts.

Everything started to suffer. I didn't bother with law homework and got a D on a math test. I was rude to Sports 2 Go customers and told Grayson he was the biggest a.s.shole I'd ever met. I cut Mom off when she tried to talk to me. Everything I did only made me feel worse. My game turned to s.h.i.t and there was nothing I could do about it. I smoked so much weed with Keelor that my brain oozed out of my ears, into the street and down the sewer and then Keelor, the last person who should've complained, told me I was doing too much s.h.i.t and ruining my game. "This isn't the way to get over her, man," he said. "Hook up with someone else. Then she'll beg you to take her back." He snapped his fingers. "It's a cla.s.sic."

Cla.s.sic head games. What a f.u.c.king sad concept.

I missed her. I hated her for hating me. And then Christmas Eve happened and made those things look like the easy part.

twelve.

I climb into Dad's car and stare past the windshield wipers. The snow's coming down heavy and it looks like magic in the air. The way Christmas is supposed to look. For a second I think everything will be all right now that Dad knows, but by the time he opens the back door, the feeling's already fading. He hands me my backpack and gets into the front seat. "We're taking Nicholas back to Courtland," he announces, not looking at Bridgette.

"What's happening here?" Bridgette asks.

"We're taking Nicholas back to Courtland," Dad repeats sternly.

"Yes," Bridgette says in her stupid clipped voice. "But why?"

I don't answer. I'm not there in the car with them, not really. I close my fingers around the backpack straps and think about Sasha waiting for me. It's us in the situation. Her and me. Everybody else is on the outside. That's the way things are.

"I'm dropping Nicholas off at a friend's house and we're not going to discuss it any further at the moment." That's Dad's don't argue voice and Bridgette doesn't argue, but she gapes at me in the backseat, frowning so hard that the line between her eyebrows deepens into a crevice that begs for a plastic surgeon.

"You have something to say to me, Bridgette?" I ask, my voice full of att.i.tude.

"Nick, don't," Dad says. "That's the last thing we need."

So what's the first thing we need? A truck to ram into the side of Dad's car and kill me instantly? Things like that only happen when you don't want them to.

I let go of the straps and stare numbly out the window. The car is quiet all the way to Courtland. Dad remembers the way to Sasha's and when we get there, he steps out of the car with me and plants his hand on my shoulder. "What happened, Nick?" he asks. "We had that talk."

Yeah, I remember. I still have the fifty-dollar bills to prove it. "That's not the cure for everything, Dad." I laugh under my breath. "Sorry to disappoint you."

"I didn't say you disappointed me, Nick." Dad's green eyes flicker. He looks so much like me that it's like staring thirty years into my future. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know." My nose is running from the cold and I sniffle like a kid who's played too long outside. I feel like I should be wearing wet mittens or something. It's crazy. I can't keep my head in one place long enough to form a sentence. "I want to talk to her first."

"You two should do that." Dad nods and I nod along with him. "And I a.s.sume you'll be going back to your mother's tonight?"

"I guess so." My shoulders drop. "I guess I'll miss Christmas."

Dad sighs and tries to smile. "Well, don't worry about that, Nicholas. We can catch up on that later."

"Yeah." I laugh again. It's impossible to imagine the next three minutes. Tomorrow seems like science fiction.

Dad clutches my shoulder harder. "Are you going to be all right? Maybe we should stay."

"No. It's okay. I'll call you tomorrow." I have no idea how long I'll be and the thought of Dad's car idling in the Jasinskis' driveway, Bridgette silently fuming in the pa.s.senger seat, doesn't calm me down any.

"Okay." Dad stares at the car, then back at me. "We'll work this out somehow, Nick. It's not a good situation, but we can work it out."

"Thanks." He's being good about this, I know. It's just that I can't feel anything.

I watch him get in the car and drive away. Then it's just me standing there alone in Sasha's driveway. I don't want to move, but I lurch towards the front door and ring the bell.

Mr. Jasinski answers. His eyes fill with suspicion and he says, "Sasha mentioned you'd be dropping by. This is Christmas Eve, you realize. We have people over and Sasha doesn't have much time."

Mrs. Jasinski steps up behind him, her hair swept into a bun and a Christmas tree pin clipped to her velvet top. She steers her husband out of the doorway and says, "Come in, Nick. Sasha's waiting for you in the den, but we'll all be off to church shortly."

I don't know what to say to any of that so I don't say anything. I take my shoes off at the front door and walk along the hall to the den. Sasha is sitting on the couch in a long burgundy skirt and white sweater, watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas! She looks at me and hikes up the volume. I stand there in my socks, the sound of cheery Jasinski voices floating in through the hall.

"You're going?" I say.

"To church," she tells me. "I have to. I tried to get out of it, but my grandparents are here too." She motions to the hallway.

"s.h.i.t. I thought we had some time to talk." I sit down beside her, my heart racing.

"I know." Sasha's voice is dull. "I had to tell them we were thinking of getting back together-otherwise they'd never even have let you in." She stares over at the TV, but I can tell she isn't really seeing it. "My dad was freaking before you got here. He said, 'Nick always brings drama with him.'"

On any other day that would've offended me. Today it barely registers. "Do you have any idea what you want to do?" I ask patiently. I don't want to push her, but I need to know.

"Am I going to have it?" She lets the question hang there until I can't take it and look away. "I don't know yet. I'll have to tell my parents either way. I just wanted you to know first."

"Okay." I don't know what she wants to hear. "Can you do me a favor? Can you take another test? It was just that one time and I wasn't even finished when it-"

"These tests are pretty accurate, Nick."

"Yeah, I know, but it won't hurt, right? Can you do that? Just to be sure before you tell them?"

"Okay," she agrees. She reaches down, her chin trembling, and smoothes invisible wrinkles out of her skirt. "I'm so stupid." She folds her left arm in front of her stomach and kneads her forehead with the other. "I'm sorry."

"No." I touch her sleeve. "You were just scared."

"And stupid."

I'm not up for this. I can't sit here and tell her she's not stupid until her parents drag her off to church. I don't want to feel any sorrier for her than I already do. It won't help. "So you'll do it?" I say. "You won't tell them until you take another test?"

"Yeah." She smiles bitterly. "Don't get your hopes up too high."

I nod. "I just don't want to make another mistake if we don't have to."

"What about your dad?" she asks. "What did he say?"

"He asked if he could help." I shrug. "I told him I wanted to talk to you first."

"He wasn't mad?"

"He couldn't understand how it happened." I hang my head and laugh at that; I can't help it. "I think he's in shock." I think I am too. One minute I can't stop laughing and the next I feel frozen from the knees up. "I didn't want to tell him, but it was the only way I could get here."

Sasha makes a clicking noise with her mouth. Her hand brushes against mine. "Thanks. I know things have been really rough between us."

"There hasn't been an us for the past month," I remind her. "You didn't want me around until today." Harsh but true. "It didn't have to turn out like this, Sasha. I would've gone with you, you know. Everything would've been okay." Suddenly I'm angry, just when I least expect it.

"I know." The words are so low that I can't hear them over the sound of the TV; I read them on her lips and think how unfair this is. We could've been okay, the two of us, but I never had a choice.

"You didn't need to break us up," I say. The words feel jagged in my mouth.

"I know," she repeats. "I never thought it would turn out this way." It's my turn to go quiet. Sasha makes everything she says sound right, even when I know it's wrong. "You think it was easy for me? I wanted to talk to you so many times, but you had to have it all or nothing."

"I never said that!" I shout. I glance at the hallway, half expecting Mr. J. to skid into the room and do something crazy.

"Keep your voice down," Sasha hisses.

"You know I didn't say that," I continue, forcing my voice into a carefully modulated Jasinski-approved tone. "I told you we could stop sleeping together."