I Know It's Over Part 3

"He is," he admitted, then abruptly changed the subject.

Nathan's revelation was only the second surprise of the summer (Dani's change of heart being the first). I had some summer day shifts at Sports 2 Go, filling in for people on vacation. The days were lazier than the nights. There was time to restock the shelves and take extended breaks (whenever Brian, the manager, wasn't around). That probably sounds like a good thing, but in actuality it was pretty boring. Too many hours to make stupid chitchat with customers and listen to Grayson lay out the details of his latest s.e.xual adventure. Sometimes you think you like someone only because you haven't spent enough time around him or her to learn otherwise.

Grayson was giving me the lowdown for the second time that week, oozing with overconfidence and eyeing the female customers like half the world was his to conquer. Sasha would hate this guy, I thought, nodding and frowning at him at the same time. I don't act like this. I hadn't even told anyone, aside from Keelor and Nathan, about Dani and me.

"You never tell me anything, man," Grayson said, as though he was reading my mind. "You're getting something somewhere, aren't you?" His nose twitched. "Don't let me monopolize the conversation."

"I keep things quiet," I said, matter-of-fact-like. "That's just how it is."

"Yeah, you like to be all mysterious and s.h.i.t, huh? That's okay, though. It's all good."

Mysterious and s.h.i.t. Yeah, that's me. I was really starting to hate Grayson. I scanned the store, searching for customers in need of mystery, etc. My eyes locked onto a female form stepping into the store. She looked in my direction and made a beeline for Grayson and me. Sasha Jasinski, looking tanned and relaxed in jeans and sun-lightened hair. Grayson oozed silently beside me, his presence growing more repellent as she neared.

I strode towards Sasha, smiling like she'd made my day. There were tiny yellow flowers painted onto her jeans and her feet were bare in her running shoes. She smelled like sunshine and watermelon. "Hi," I said, the two of us stopping in front of Sports 2 Go's collection of baseball hats. "How're you?"

"Good." She ran her fingers swiftly through her hair. "So how's your summer going?"

"Interesting," I said truthfully. "How's the sailing?"

"Wet." She smiled at me, enjoying her own joke. "You should come by sometime."

"You'll get me into the beach for free," I recited.

"Yeah, that's the idea." She slid her hands idly into her back pockets, watching me. "Are you guys busy?" She tilted her head to indicate the store. Grayson was ringing up a sale and one of the other guys was pointing a customer towards the punching bags. "Can you take a break? Get some ice cream or something?"

"Yeah, I guess." I hadn't entirely figured her out yet, but I thought I was starting to. She really wanted me to come to the lake. We wouldn't be having this conversation if she didn't.

I told Grayson that I was taking a break and wandered out into the mall with Sasha. "So, climb any roofs lately?" I asked, sauntering along next to her. I felt safe teasing her now that I suspected I had the upper hand.

"Not lately," she replied, stepping up to the Baskin-Robbins counter. "What flavor do you want, Nick?" She slid a ten-dollar bill across the counter.

"Uh." I peered through the gla.s.s and ordered the same thing I always order: chocolate fudge.

"Really sweet," she noted, ordering a scoop of pistachio almond for herself. "Do you have a sweet tooth?"

"Yeah, I guess." I felt her eyes on me, processing the answer as though it revealed something crucial. Yeah, I'm a sweet tooth person and mysterious and s.h.i.t. "So I wasn't going to come to the lake," I said straight out. "I didn't think you really wanted me to." That sounds like I was being honest, but I wanted something from her; I wanted to pull her strings and watch her jump. Not very nice, but that's how it was.

"You think I was hard on you," she said, watching the girl behind the counter dig for our ice cream. "I just hate that kind of stuff. And I guess I kind of freaked." Sasha's eyes flicked towards mine, then darted away again. "I wasn't planning on asking you to the lake, but I did want you to come."

The girl behind the counter handed us our cones and we walked quietly through the mall together. Sasha snuck a look at me as we neared Sports 2 Go. "So I guess this was a bad idea," she said in an edgy voice. I turned towards her and watched her bite gingerly into her cone. I wasn't making this easy on her and now her eyes were nervous. "I saw you in the store and I really wanted to talk to you. I don't usually do things like this." A smudge of pistachio hung under her lip and she dabbed at it with her napkin. "This is probably crazy. I mean, you're with Dani, aren't you?"

She was digging herself deeper into the hole, looking more anxious by the second, and I suddenly realized that I wasn't enjoying it anymore, that I was actually beginning to feel bad for her. I shook my head and watched her thin fingers pinch the napkin.

"I'm not with Dani," I said. "We're just friends."

"Oh, but you probably don't even...think like that...you're probably..." She stared straight ahead. "G.o.d, I'm babbling. When you see me again, can you do me a favor and not mention this? In fact, don't even mention it now, okay? I don't know what I was thinking. You ever do something without thinking and want to take it back?"

I reached out and grazed her hand. "It's okay, Sasha." I scanned the dip in her top, not low enough to show off the valley between her b.r.e.a.s.t.s but low enough for me to imagine it. I thought about laying her back, pulling her V-neck down and kissing that spot. Would she taste like watermelon too? My chest tightened and I opened my mouth and forced air into my lungs.

"Thanks," she said lightly. "I guess I should let you get back to work." She stopped walking and held her ice cream out in front of her like she was tired of it.

"No, I mean it's okay," I repeated. "I've been thinking about you." It felt like the truth and I guess for the most part it was. I hadn't thought about her much since school had ended, but I'd watched her in cla.s.s plenty of times. Maybe I'd even wondered what she was really like and wanted to find out. The ground between us was shifting and it was hard to say exactly what it was like before. "Look, I have to go, but we should talk about this. When're you at the lake?"

Sasha and I smiled at each other, on the verge of nervous laughter. "Tomorrow afternoon."

"Okay, so I'll see you then," I told her. "Maybe I'll bring Nathan." It occurred to me, seconds too late, that including Nathan wasn't the best idea if we wanted to talk. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly. My chest still hurt. I couldn't stop thinking about how it would feel to pull her V-neck down and expose that spot.

She bobbed her head like she'd forgotten all about Nathan. We both took a step back, then Sasha called out: "But what about Dani? I heard you two-"

"I told you-I'm not with Dani."

Sasha hesitated, her eyelashes fluttering. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."

I swung around and began walking in the direction of Sports 2 Go. The chocolate fudge tasted sickly sweet in my mouth. I tossed it into the nearest garbage and resisted the impulse to turn around and watch Sasha go. I pictured her in my head, striding off with her thin fingers wrapped around the unwanted pistachio. She was smiling to herself but still not sure about me. I'm not sure about you either, I thought. And by the time I gave in she was gone.

five.

I dropped by Dani's house after work that night. She shut her bedroom door behind us, grabbed my a.s.s, and ground her pelvis against mine. Downstairs, her uncle was painting the hall and we could hear him lecturing Dani's mother in a sharp voice: "Voting is a social responsibility. It's plain lazy to opt out."

We switched Dani's TV on and fooled around quietly on top of her bed. I pulled her top off and kissed her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, thinking about Sasha. That wasn't what I'd planned; I thought messing around with Dani would push Sasha out of my head. Things never turn out how you plan, ever notice that? Mom was considering going back to school before Dad left. She wanted to get a degree in sociology, to expand her mind. Now she spent most of her energy trying to avoid the toxic fallout from Ms. Scofield's constant power struggles. After he left, Dad said the last thing on his mind was another relationship. Enter Bridgette.

Keeping plans to a minimum was obviously your best bet. So why was I going to the lake tomorrow? Because Sasha liked my story? Because she made me feel like an a.s.shole that day in June? I didn't have an answer, just an uneasy feeling that gnawed at the inside of my ribs and told me to call Nathan and ask him to come with me.

Millside Lake was man-made and surrounded by neighborhoods filled with upper-middle-cla.s.s suburbanites who, thanks to their plastic surgeons and fitness trainers, grew younger every year. The majority of the lake was off-limits to swimmers; you had to pay to get wet. Nathan and I joined the line as soon we got there. "I feel like a third wheel," he said. "Wouldn't this be better without me?"

A group of gawky preteen girls were standing outside the cordoned-off area of the beach, pretending not to molest us with their eyes. "Just look at what you're missing," I said sarcastically, motioning in their direction. A freckly girl with red hair and chunks of flesh bulging out in all the wrong places gave me the finger. Her friends laughed and continued pretending not to look.

"You shouldn't p.i.s.s them off," Nathan whispered. "This is your future girlfriend pool."

"And you think you have problems," I kidded back. Nathan and I made goofy faces at the girls, sending them into giggle fits.

Sasha had warned the cashier we were coming, and he stamped our hands and said Sasha would catch up with us when she finished the lesson. Nathan and I staked out a place on the beach and unrolled our towels. I felt self-conscious pulling my T-shirt off and then embarra.s.sed about feeling that. I faked a smile, hoping he hadn't caught that moment's hesitation.

"Nick, you're not going to get weird on me, are you?" he asked, shoulders tensing. "I don't want this to change anything. I mean, I know it sort of does, but I'm still me and this doesn't have anything to do with us."

"I know," I said quickly.

"I mean, I know you're straight and that's cool. It's not like I'm going to try to convert you or something. You know that, right?"

"This conversation is making me nervous," I admitted. "I thought you were supposed to be calming me down."

"I didn't know you needed calming down." Nathan flipped over onto his stomach and let a handful of sand sift through his fingers. "You know she likes you. I could tell that day at the mall."

I shaded my eyes with my hand and squinted at him. "How could you tell?"

"Oh, you know, being gay makes me more sensitive to women's feelings," he said jokingly.

"Too bad that isn't any use to you." I turned over next to him. "So it's good knowing that you're not going to jump me or anything."

"Yeah, I thought you'd want to know." He was kidding around, trying to make me feel comfortable. "You're gorgeous and all, but I like older guys."

"Shut up," I said. Then: "Do you mean that about older guys?"

"Yeah, I think so. Look at people our age. n.o.body has a clue what they want or what they're doing and if they do, they join the yearbook club or speech team and miss all the cool parties because they're too focused on achieving something and won't let themselves do anything else because they're terrified of becoming a drug addict or getting AIDS or never getting a good job. This is not a good time."

"You're not having a good time."

"No!" he protested, driving both hands into the sand. "Are you?"

"I don't know; sometimes I think I am," I said honestly. "Other times I feel like I'm just killing time until something better happens."

"See, that's exactly what I'm talking about," he said, wide eyes shooting over to mine.

"But you always seem like you're having a good time."

"Yeah, I know, I'm Mr. Positivity." He nodded. "This is just rough lately. Too many big life questions coming at me and I feel like I'm on the outside of all the good stuff happening. Like even now on this beach, it's not like I can walk around checking out guys. Somebody would break my nose. I'd be on the news."

"That sucks. I guess everyone's got different c.r.a.p to deal with." I told Nathan about the day in the hallway, the whole thing with Keelor and Vix and then Sasha rushing by me like I was invisible and me making her tell me why.

Nathan turned over and propped himself up with his elbows. "I'll tell you right now that girl won't put up with any s.h.i.t from you. This little arrangement you have with Dani-that's not going to happen with Sasha."

"I know."

"So do you know what you're doing?" That wasn't an accusing question; it was a checking-in sort of question. I could hear the difference in his voice. He c.o.c.ked his head and grinned at me. "Everything happens to you, doesn't it?"

We went for a swim while we were waiting for Sasha, then bought a couple sodas from the snack counter and plodded back to our towels. A few minutes later I spotted her heading towards us in a high-cut one-piece swimsuit. It was strange to see her like that, even if it was a one-piece, and I was glad we weren't alone.

"Good to see you guys," she said, plopping herself down on Nathan's towel. "No trouble getting in?"

Nope, no trouble. I stared down at her legs and noticed they were completely smooth, like her underarms and everything else I could see. Her hair was damp and she gathered it together with her right hand and snapped a rubber band around it. "You've already been swimming," she observed, motioning to our wet hair.

"It's a hot day," I said. Her toes were as fine and tiny as her hands. I wanted to fold my fingers around her ankle, just to touch her somewhere safe.

"Humid, yeah," she agreed.

The three of us sat there watching the water. I was beginning to wonder if we'd sit there giving a weather report all day when Nathan launched into safe subject matter-updates on people from school and his upcoming Arizona vacation. Then, just when I was beginning to feel comfortable, he announced that he was going to take another dip and padded down to the lake.

"Nathan's great," Sasha said, staring at his back as he waded into the water. "Have you guys been friends a long time?"

"Forever. Me, him, and Keelor."

I didn't explain about the recent fallout between the two of them. I didn't feel like explaining much of anything. That was one thing about Dani-you never had to explain anything to her; she took things as they came. I asked Sasha how the sailing lesson went and listened to her describe the kids in her cla.s.s. It was funny to imagine Sasha being someone's teacher. I couldn't remember the last time I taught someone anything really useful. I taught Holland how to tie her shoes, but that was years ago. My parents tried for months, then my mother decided they were putting too much pressure on her and that she'd come back and ask them when she was ready. But Holland never did ask them, she asked me, and we practiced it together until she could tie her shoes as well as I could. Holland was really weird about learning things when she was a little kid. It was like she thought she had to be perfect all the time.

Dad once said that was the difference between us-that Holland repeated something until she could do it perfectly and I a.s.sumed whatever I was doing was perfect from the start. He was angry with me when he said that. Keelor and I had taken out his mother's car and dented it trying to put it back in the garage. Mom told Dad he shouldn't say things like that because he'd give me a complex. "You criticize his confidence and glory in your own arrogance," she said. That was when I was fourteen, before he left.

"What're you thinking?" Sasha asked, lying down on Nathan's towel. "You look a million miles away. You look like that a lot, you know that?"

"I didn't know that," I said. "Maybe I have ADD or something."

Sasha turned on her side and stared at me. "Are you wondering why you showed up?"

"Of course not. It's just kinda weird being here with you asking me these questions when I hardly know you." I took a sip of warm soda and blinked at her. "I guess I'm trying to figure you out."

"So what do you want to know?" she asked.

"Just like that? Twenty questions?"

"Well, maybe not." She tried to smile, but it only part-worked. "You're making me nervous. Is that what you want?"

"You make me nervous too." Surprise cut into my voice. "Did you know I was watching you in English?" Her honesty made me daring. She looked amazing lying there on Nathan's towel, her suit clinging to her body like a sleek second skin.

"Were you really?" she said quickly.

"Yeah." I reached over and stroked her arm. It was flecked with freckles and golden from the sun. "I don't know what you want from me. What happens now that I'm here?"

Sasha laughed and looked down at her arm. "I have no idea."

"I thought you always knew what you were doing. You had all the answers in English cla.s.s."

"Not really," she said. "I just like to discuss things. There're lots of cla.s.ses where you don't have the chance. Math is rules. Science is fact."

"You don't like science?"

"No, I do. It's just different." She explained that her dad was a doctor and that she'd inherited his scientific brain. She said she wanted to get into forensics because there were definite answers waiting to be uncovered, but at the same time there was this other side of her personality that liked ambiguity and that's where English cla.s.s came in. "I like stories that don't tell you everything, that leave you room to think. Dreams are a bit like that. You never know exactly what they mean. Like last night I had a dream that my brother had an eagle and there was a storm coming and I knew it had something to do with the bird. I was so scared. I was sitting in my room waiting for this storm to hit and n.o.body else in my family was even worried. It was weird. Do you remember what you dreamt last night?"

"I don't usually remember," I said. In this case I actually did remember, but the information wasn't suitable for her ears. I told her about a dream I'd had last week instead. I was skating on the biggest natural outdoor rink you can imagine, but when it was time to go home, I couldn't remember where I lived. The harder I tried to remember, the more panicked I got.

Sasha was quiet. She rolled onto her chest and said, "I wonder why it's always easier to remember the bad dreams."

"There's probably more of them," I guessed.

"I hope that's not true. Couldn't it be because they're distressing?"

"I guess it could be that. This is very philosophical for a day at the beach."

"Don't you think about stuff like that?" she asked.

"Sure." I shrugged. "It just doesn't usually come up in conversation."

Nathan returned around about then, his hair dripping and the back of his shoulders a painful shade of pink. "You're starting to fry," Sasha warned. He collapsed onto his towel next to Sasha, cold drops landing on her legs.

"Ahh!" she yelped, flipping onto her back. "Nice and cool!"