Hudibras Part 9

Pantaloons and Port-Cannons were some of the fantastick fashions wherein we aped the French.

At quisquis Insula satus Britannica Sic patria insolens fastidiet suam, Ut more simiae laboret fingere, Et aemulari Gallicas ineptias, Et omni Gallo ego hunc opinor ebrium; Ergo ex Britanno, ut Gallus esse nit.i.tur, Sic Dii jubete, fiat ex Galle Capus.

THOMAS MORE.

Gallus is a river in Phrygia; rising out of the mountains of Celenae, and discharging itself into the river Sanger, the water of which is of that admirable quality, that, being moderately drank, it purges the brain, and cures madness; but largely drank, it makes men frantick. Pliny, Horatius.

1123 t A learned divine in King James's time wrote a polemick work against the Pope, and gave it that unlucky nick-name of The Pope's Bull baited.

1166 u Canonical Cravat, &c.] Smectymnuus was a club of five parlimentary holders-forth; the characters of whose names and talents were by themselves expressed in that senseless and insignificant word. They wore handkerchiefs about their necks for a mark of distinction (as the Officers of the Parliament Army then did) which afterwards degenerated into carnal cravats. About the beginning of the long Parliament, in the year 1641, these five wrote a book against Episcopacy and the Common Prayer, to which they all subscribed their names; being Stephen Marshal, Edmund Calamy, Thomas Young, Matthew Newcomen, and William Spurstow, and from thence they and their followers were called Smectymnians. They are remarkable for another pious book, which they wrote some time after that, int.i.tled, The Kings Cabinet unlocked, wherein all the chaste and endearing expressions, in the letters that pa.s.sed betwixt his Majesty King Charles I. and his Royal Consort are by these painful labourers in the Devil's vineyard turned into burlesque and ridicule. Their books were answered with as much calmness and genteelness of expression, and as much learning and honesty, b. the Rev. Mr. Symonds, then a deprived clergyman, as theirs was stuffed with malice, spleen, and rascally invectives.

1249 x So Cardinals they say do grope At t'other end the new-made Pope.

This relates to the story of Pope Joan, who was called John VIII. Platina saith she was of English extraction, but born at Mentz; who, having disguised herself like a man, travelled with her paramour to Athens, where she made such progress in learning, that coming to Rome, she met with few that could equal her; so that, on the death of Pope Leo IV. she was chosen to succeed him; but being got with child by one of her domesticks, her travail came upon her between the Colossian Theatre and St. Clement's, as she was going to the Lateran Church, and died upon the place, having sat two years, one month, and four days, and was buried there without any pomp.

He owns that, for the shame of this, the Popes decline going through this street to the Lateran; and that, to avoid the like error, when any Pope is placed in the Porphyry Chair, his genitals are felt by the youngest deacon, through a hole made for that purpose; but he supposes the reason of that to he, to put him in mind that he is a man, and obnoxious to the necessities of nature; whence he will have the seat to be called, Sedes Stercoraria.

1262 y To leave your Vitiligation, &c.] Vitilitigation is a word the Knight was pa.s.sionately in love with, and never failed to use it upon all occasions; and therefore to omit it, when it fell in the way, bad argued too great a neglect of his learning and parts; though it means no more than a perverse humour of wrangling.

1373 z Mere Disparata, &c.] Disparata are things separate and unlike, from the Latin word Disparo.

PART II

CANTO I

THE ARGUMENT.

------------------------------------------------- The Knight by d.a.m.nable Magician, Being cast illegally in prison, Love brings his Action on the Case.

And lays it upon Hudibras.

How he receives the Lady's Visit, And cunningly solicits his Suite, Which she defers; yet on Parole Redeems him from th' inchanted Hole.

But now, t'observe a romantic method, Let b.l.o.o.d.y steel a while be sheathed, And all those harsh and rugged sounds Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds, Exchang'd to Love's more gentle stile, 5 To let our reader breathe a while; In which, that we may be as brief as Is possible, by way of preface, Is't not enough to make one strange, That some men's fancies should ne'er change, 10 But make all people do and say The same things still the self-same way Some writers make all ladies purloin'd, And knights pursuing like a whirlwind Others make all their knights, in fits 15 Of jealousy, to lose their wits; Till drawing blood o'th' dames, like witches, Th' are forthwith cur'd of their capriches.

Some always thrive in their amours By pulling plaisters off their sores; 20 As cripples do to get an alms, Just so do they, and win their dames.

Some force whole regions, in despight O' geography, to change their site; Make former times shake hands with latter, 25 And that which was before, come after.

But those that write in rhime, still make The one verse for the other's sake; For, one for sense, and one for rhime, I think's sufficient at one time. 30

But we forget in what sad plight We whilom left the captiv'd Knight And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body, And conjur'd into safe custody.

Tir'd with dispute and speaking Latin, 35 As well as basting and bear-baiting, And desperate of any course, To free himself by wit or force, His only solace was, that now His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 40 That either it must quickly end Or turn about again, and mend; In which he found th' event, no less Than other times beside his guess.

There is a tall long sided dame 45 (But wond'rous light,) ycleped Fame That, like a thin camelion, boards Herself on air, and eats her words; Upon her shoulders wings she wears Like hanging-sleeves, lin'd through with ears, 50 And eyes, and tongues, as poets list, Made good by deep mythologist, With these she through the welkin flies, And sometimes carries truth, oft lies With letters hung like eastern pigeons, 55 And Mercuries of furthest regions; Diurnals writ for regulation Of lying, to inform the nation; And by their public use to bring down The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60 About her neck a pacquet-male, Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, Of men that walk'd when they were dead, And cows of monsters brought to bed; Of hail-stones big as pullets eggs, 65 And puppies whelp'd with twice two legs; A blazing star seen in the west, By six or seven men at least.

Two trumpets she does sound at once, But both of clean contrary tones; 70 But whether both with the same wind, Or one before, and one behind, We know not; only this can tell, The one sounds vilely, th' other well; And therefore vulgar authors name 75 Th' one Good, the other Evil, Fame.

This tattling gossip knew too well What mischief HUDIBRAS befell.

And straight the spiteful tidings bears Of all to th' unkind widow's ears. 80 DEMOCRITUS ne'er laugh'd so loud To see bawds carted through the crowd, Or funerals with stately pomp March slowly on in solemn dump, As she laugh'd out, until her back, 85 As well as sides, was like to crack.

She vow'd she would go see the sight, And visit the distressed Knight; To do the office of a neighbour, And be a gossip at his labour; 90 And from his wooden jail, the stocks, To set at large his fetter-locks; And, by exchange, parole, or ransom, To free him from th' enchanted mansion.

This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 95 And usher, implements abroad Which ladies wear, beside a slender Young waiting damsel to attend her; All which appearing, on she went, To find the Knight in limbo pent. 100 And 'twas not long before she found Him, and the stout Squire, in the pound; Both coupled in enchanted tether, By further leg behind together For as he sat upon his rump, 105 His head like one in doleful dump, Between his knees, his hands apply'd Unto his ears on either side; And by him, in another hole, Afflicted RALPHO, cheek by jowl; 110 She came upon him in his wooden Magician's circle on the sudden, As spirits do t' a conjurer, When in their dreadful shapes th' appear.

No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115 But straight he fell into a fever, Inflam'd all over with disgrace, To be seen by her in such a place; Which made him hang his head, and scoul, And wink, and goggle like an owl. 120 He felt his brains begin to swim, When thus the dame accosted him:

This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted, And with delinquent spirits haunted, That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125 Until their guilty crimes be purg'd.

Look, there are two of them appear, Like persons I have seen somewhere.

Some have mistaken blocks and posts For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130 With saucer eyes, and horns; and some Have heard the Devil beat a drum: But if our eyes are not false gla.s.ses, That give a wrong account of faces, That beard and I should be acquainted, 135 Before 'twas conjur'd or enchanted; For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, As if 't had lately been in combat, It did belong to a worthy Knight Howe'er this goblin has come by't. 140

When HUDIBRAS the Lady heard Discoursing thus upon his beard, And speak with such respect and honour, Both of the beard and the beard's owner, He thought it best to set as good 145 A face upon it as he cou'd, And thus he spoke: Lady, your bright And radiant eyes are in the right: The beard's th' identic beard you knew, The same numerically true: 150 Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, But its proprietor himself.

O, heavens! quoth she, can that be true?

I do begin to fear 'tis you: Not by your individual whiskers, 155 But by your dialect and discourse, That never spoke to man or beast In notions vulgarly exprest.

But what malignant star, alas Has brought you both to this sad pa.s.s? 160

Quoth he, The fortune of the war, Which I am less afflicted for, Than to be seen with beard and face, By you in such a homely case.

Quoth she, Those need not he asham'd 165 For being honorably maim'd, If he that is in battle conquer'd, Have any t.i.tle to his own beard; Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, It does your visage more adorn 170 Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lander'd, And cut square by the Russian standard.

A torn beard's like a tatter'd ensign, That's bravest which there are most rents in.

That petticoat about your shoulders 175 Does not so well become a souldier's; And I'm afraid they are worse handled Although i' th' rear; your beard the van led; And those uneasy bruises make My heart for company to ake, 180 To see so worshipful a friend I' th' pillory set, at the wrong end.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This thing call'd pain Is (as the learned Stoicks maintain) Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 185 But merely as 'tis understood.

Sense is deceitful, and may feign, As well in counterfeiting pain As other gross phenomenas, In which it oft mistakes the case. 190 But since the immortal intellect (That's free from error and defect, Whose objects still persist the same) Is free from outward bruise and maim, Which nought external can expose 195 To gross material bangs or blows, It follows, we can ne'er be sure, Whether we pain or not endure; And just so far are sore and griev'd, As by the fancy is believ'd. 200 Some have been wounded with conceit, And dy'd of mere opinion straight; Others, tho' wounded sore in reason, Felt no contusion, nor discretion.

A Saxon Duke did grow so fat, 205 That mice (as histories relate) Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in His postick parts without his feeling: Then how is't possible a kick Should e'er reach that way to the quick? 210

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain.

For one that's basted to feel pain, Because the pangs his bones endure Contribute nothing to the cure: Yet honor hurt, is wont to rage 215 With pain no med'cine can a.s.swage.

Quoth he, That honour's very squeamish That takes a basting for a blemish; For what's more hon'rable than scars, Or skin to tatters rent in wars? 220 Some have been beaten till they know What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow; Some kick'd until they can feel whether A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather; And yet have met, after long running, 225 With some whom they have taught that cunning.

The furthest way about t' o'ercome, In the end does prove the nearest home.

By laws of learned duellists, They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230 And think one beating may for once Suffice, are cowards and pultroons: But if they dare engage t' a second, They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd.

Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235 Our princes worship, with a blow.

King PYRRHUS cur'd his splenetic And testy courtiers with a kick.

The NEGUS, when some mighty lord Or potentate's to be restor'd 240 And pardon'd for some great offence, With which be's willing to dispense, First has him laid upon his belly, Then beaten back and side to a jelly; That done, he rises, humbly bows, 245 And gives thanks for the princely blows; Departs not meanly proud, and boasting Of this magnificent rib-roasting.

The beaten soldier proves most manful, That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 250 And justly's held more formidable, The more his valour's malleable: But he that fears a bastinado Will run away from his own shadow: And though I'm now in durance fast, 255 By our own party basely cast, Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd, And worse than by the enemy us'd; In close catasta shut, past hope Of wit or valour to elope; 260 As beards the nearer that they tend To th' earth still grow more reverend; And cannons shoot the higher pitches, The lower we let down their breeches; I'll make this low dejected fate 265 Advance me to a greater height.

Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love With that which did my pity move.

Great wits and valours, like great states, Do sometimes sink with their own weights: Th' extremes of glory and of shame, 270 Like East and West, become the same: No Indian Prince has to his palace More foll'wers than a thief to th' gallows, But if a beating seem so brave, 275 What glories must a whipping have Such great atchievements cannot fail To cast salt on a woman's tail: For if I thought your nat'ral talent Of pa.s.sive courage were so gallant, 280 As you strain hard to have it thought, I could grow amorous, and dote.

When HUDIBRAS this language heard, He p.r.i.c.k'd up's ears and strok'd his beard; Thought he, this is the lucky hour; 285 Wines work when vines are in the flow'r; This crisis then I'll set my rest on, And put her boldly to the question.

Madam, what you wou'd seem to doubt, Shall be to all the world made out, 290 How I've been drubb'd, and with what spirit And magnanimity I bear it; And if you doubt it to be true, I'll stake myself down against you: And if I fail in love or troth, 295 Be you the winner, and take both.

Quoth she, I've beard old cunning stagers Say, fools for arguments use wagers; And though I prais'd your valour, yet I did not mean to baulk your wit; 300 Which, if you have, you must needs know What I have told you before now, And you b' experiment have prov'd, I cannot love where I'm belov'd.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, 'tis a caprich 305 Beyond th' infliction of a witch; So cheats to play with those still aim That do not understand the game.

Love in your heart as icily burns As fire in antique Roman urns, 310 To warm the dead, and vainly light Those only that see nothing by't.

Have you not power to entertain, And render love for love again; As no man can draw in his breath 315 At once, and force out air beneath?

Or do you love yourself so much, To bear all rivals else a grutch?

What fate can lay a greater curse Than you upon yourself would force? 320 For wedlock without love, some say, Is but a lock without a key.

It is a kind of rape to marry One that neglects, or cares not for ye: For what does make it ravishment, 325 But b'ing against the mind's consent?