Hudibras Part 7

Others may do as they see good; 275 But if this twig be made of wood That will hold tack, I'll make the fur Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur; And the other mungrel vermin, RALPH, That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280 Thy Bear is safe, and out of peril, Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill; Myself and TRULLA made a shift To help him out at a dead lift; And, having brought him bravely off, 285 Have left him where he's safe enough: There let him rest; for if we stay, The slaves may hap to get away.

This said, they all engag'd to join Their forces in the same design; 290 And forthwith put themselves in search Of HUDIBRAS upon their march.

Where leave we awhile, to tell What the victorious knight befel.

For such, CROWDERO being fast 295 In dungeon shut, we left him last.

Triumphant laurels seem'd to grow No where so green as on his brow; Laden with which, as well as tir'd With conquering toil, he now retir'd 300 Unto a neighb'ring castle by, To rest his body, and apply Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues, To mollify th' uneasy pang 305 Of ev'ry honourable bang, Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest, He laid him down to take his rest.

But all in vain. H' had got a hurt O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort, 310 By CUPID made, who took his stand Upon a Widow's jointure land, (For he, in all his am'rous battels, No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,) Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, 315 Let fly an arrow at the Knight: The shaft against a rib did glance, And gall'd him in the purtenance.

But time had somewhat 'swag'd his pain, After he found his suit in vain. 320 For that proud dame, for whom his soul Was burnt in's belly like a coal, (That belly which so oft did ake And suffer griping for her sake, Till purging comfits and ants-eggs 325 Had almost brought him off his legs,) Us'd him so like a base rascallion, That old Pyg -- (what d'y' call him) malion, That cut his mistress out of stone, Had not so hard a-hearted one. 330 She had a thousand jadish tricks, Worse than a mule that flings and kicks; 'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had, As insolent as strange and mad; She could love none, but only such 335 As scorn'd and hated her as much.

'Twas a strange riddle of a lady: Not love, if any lov'd her! Hey dey!

So cowards never use their might, But against such as will not fight; 340 So some diseases have been found Only to seize upon the sound.

He that gets her by heart, must say her The back way, like a witch's prayer.

Mean while the Knight had no small task 345 To compa.s.s what he durst not ask.

He loves, but dares not make the motion; Her ignorance is his devotion: Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed, Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350 Or rowing scull, he's fain to love, Look one way, and another move; Or like a tumbler, that does play His game, and look another way, Until he seize upon the cony; 355 Just so he does by matrimony: But all in vain; her subtle snout Did quickly wind his meaning out; Which she return'd with too much scorn To be by man of honour borne: 360 Yet much he bore, until the distress He suffer'd from his spightful mistress Did stir his stomach; and the pain He had endur'd from her disdain, Turn'd to regret so resolute, 365 That he resolv'd to wave his suit, And either to renounce her quite, Or for a while play least in sight.

This resolution b'ing put on, He kept some months, and more had done; 370 But being brought so nigh by Fate, The victory he atchiev'd so late Did set his thoughts agog, and ope A door to discontinu'd hope, That seem'd to promise he might win 375 His dame too, now his hand was in; And that his valour, and the honour H' had newly gain'd, might work upon her.

These reasons made his mouth to water With am'rous longings to be at her. 380

Quoth he, unto himself, Who knows, But this brave conquest o'er my foes May reach her heart, and make that stoop, As I but now have forc'd the troop?

If nothing can oppugn love, 385 And virtue invious ways can prove, What may he not confide to do That brings both love and virtue too?

But thou bring'st valour too and wit; Two things that seldom fail to hit. 390 Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin, Which women oft are taken in.

Then, HUDIBRAS, why should'st thou fear To be, that art a conqueror?

Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 395 But lets the timidous miscarry.

Then while the honour thou hast got Is spick and span new, piping hot, Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best, And trust thy fortune with the rest. 400 Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep, More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep.

And as an owl, that in a barn Sees a mouse creeping in the corn, Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 405 As if he slept, until he spies The little beast within his reach, Then starts, and seizes on the wretch; So from his couch the Knight did start To seize upon the widow's heart; 410 Crying with hasty tone, and hoa.r.s.e, RALPHO, dispatch; To Horse, To Horse.

And 'twas but time; for now the rout, We left engag'd to seek him out, By speedy marches, were advanc'd 415 Up to the fort, where he ensconc'd; And all th' avenues had possest About the place, from east to west.

That done, a while they made a halt, To view the ground, and where t' a.s.sault: 420 Then call'd a council, which was best, By siege or onslaught, to invest The enemy; and 'twas agreed, By storm and onslaught to proceed.

This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 425 They now drew up t' attack the fort; When HUDIBRAS, about to enter Upon another-gates adventure, To RALPHO call'd aloud to arm, Not dreaming of approaching storm. 430 Whether Dame Fortune, or the care Of Angel bad or tutelar, Did arm, or thrust him on a danger To which he was an utter stranger; That foresight might, or might not, blot 435 The glory he had newly got; For to his shame it might be said, They took him napping in his bed; To them we leave it to expound, That deal in sciences profound. 440

His courser scarce he had bestrid, And RALPHO that on which he rid, When setting ope the postern gate, Which they thought best to sally at, The foe appear'd, drawn up and drill'd, 445 Ready to charge them in the field.

This somewhat startled the bold Knight, Surpriz'd with th' unexpected sight.

The bruises of his bones and flesh The thought began to smart afresh; 450 Till recollecting wonted courage, His fear was soon converted to rage, And thus he spoke: The coward foe, Whom we but now gave quarter to, Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455 As if they had out-run their fears.

The glory we did lately get, The Fates command us to repeat; And to their wills we must succ.u.mb, Quocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 460 This is the same numeric crew Which we so lately did subdue; The self-same individuals that Did run as mice do from a cat, When we courageously did wield 465 Our martial weapons in the field To tug for victory; and when We shall our shining blades agen Brandish in terror o'er our heads, They'll straight resume their wonted dreads. 470 Fear is an ague, that forsakes And haunts by fits those whom it takes: And they'll opine they feel the pain And blows they felt to-day again.

Then let us boldly charge them home, 475 And make no doubt to overcome.

This said, his courage to inflame, He call'd upon his mistress' name.

His pistol next he c.o.c.k'd a-new, And out his nut-brown whinyard drew; 480 And, placing RALPHO in the front, Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt, As expert warriors use: then ply'd With iron heel his courser's side, Conveying sympathetic speed 485 From heel of Knight to heel of Steed.

Mean while the foe, with equal rage And speed, advancing to engage, Both parties now were drawn so close, Almost to come to handy-blows; 490 When ORSIN first let fly a stone At RALPHO: not so huge a one As that which DIOMED did maul AENEAS on the b.u.m withal Yet big enough if rightly hurl'd, 495 T' have sent him to another world, Whether above-ground, or below, Which Saints Twice Dipt are destin'd to.

The danger startled the bold Squire, And made him some few steps retire. 500 But HUDIBRAS advanc'd to's aid, And rouz'd his spirits, half dismay'd.

He wisely doubting lest the shot Of th' enemy, now growing hot, Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 505 To come pell-mell to handy-blows, And, that he might their aim decline, Advanc'd still in an oblique line; But prudently forbore to fire, Till breast to breast he had got nigher, 510 As expert warriors use to do When hand to hand they charge their foe.

This order the advent'rous Knight, Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight, When fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 515 And for the foe began to stickle.

The more shame for her Goody-ship, To give so near a friend the slip.

For COLON, choosing out a stone, Levell'd so right, it thump'd upon 520 His manly paunch with such a force, As almost beat him off his horse.

He lost his whinyard, and the rein; But, laying fast hold of the mane, Preserv'd his seat; and as a goose 525 In death contracts his talons close, So did the Knight, and with one claw The trigger of his pistol draw.

The gun went off: and as it was Still fatal to stout HUDIBRAS, 530 In all his feats of arms, when least He dreamt of it, to prosper best, So now he far'd: the shot, let fly At random 'mong the enemy, Pierc'd TALGOL's gaberdine, and grazing 535 Upon his shoulder, in the pa.s.sing, Lodg'd in MAGNANO's bra.s.s habergeon, Who straight, A Surgeon, cry'd, A Surgeon.

He tumbled down, and, as he fell, Did Murther, Murther, Murther, yell. 540 This startled their whole body so, That if the Knight had not let go His arms, but been in warlike plight, H' had won (the second time) the fight; As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 545 He had inevitably done: But he, diverted with the care Or HUDIBRAS his hurt, forbare To press th' advantage of his fortune While danger did the rest dishearten: 550 For he with CERDON b'ing engag'd In close encounter, they both wag'd The fight so well, 'twas hard to say Which side was like to get the day.

And now the busy work of death 555 Had tir'd them so, th' agreed to breath, Preparing to renew the fight, When the disaster of the Knight, And th' other party, did divert Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 560 RALPHO press'd up to HUDIBRAS, And CERDON where MAGNANO was; Each striving to confirm his party With stout encouragements, and hearty.

Quoth RALIHO, Courage, valiant Sir, 565 And let revenge and honour stir Your spirits up: once we fall on, The shatter'd foe begins to run: For if but half so well you knew To use your victory as subdue, 570 They durst not, after such a blow As you have given them, face us now; But from so formidable a soldier Had fled like crows when they smell powder.

Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 575 Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft.

But if you let them recollect Their spirits, now dismay'd and checkt, You'll have a harder game to play Than yet y' have had to get the day. 580

Thus spoke the stout Squire; but was heard By HUDIBRAS with small regard.

His thoughts were fuller of the bang Be lately took than RALPH'S harangue; To which he answer'd, Cruel Fate 585 Tells me thy counsel comes too late.

The knotted blood within my hose, That from my wounded body flows, With mortal crisis doth portend My days to appropinque an end. 590 I am for action now unfit, Either of fort.i.tude or wit: Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, Resolv'd to pull my stomach down.

I am not apt, upon a wound, 595 Or trivial basting, to despond: Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail: For if I thought my wounds not mortal, Or that we'd time enough as yet, To make an hon'rable retreat, 600 'Twere the best course: but if they find We fly, and leave our arms behind For them to seize on, the dishonour, And danger too, is such, I'll sooner Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605 To let them see I am no starter.

In all the trade of war, no feat Is n.o.bler than a brave retreat: For those that run away, and fly, Take place at least of th' enemy. 610

This said, the Squire, with active speed Dismounted from his bonny steed, To seize the arms, which, by mischance, Fell from the bold Knight in a trance.

These being found out, and restor'd 615 To HUDIBRAS their natural lord, As a man may say, with might and main, He hasted to get up again.

Thrice he a.s.say'd to mount aloft, But, by his weighty b.u.m, as oft 620 He was pull'd back, till having found Th' advantage of the rising ground, Thither he led his warlike steed, And having plac'd him right, with speed Prepar'd again to scale the beast, 625 When ORSIN, who had newly drest The b.l.o.o.d.y scar upon the shoulder Of TALGOL with Promethean powder, And now was searching for the shot That laid MAGNANO on the spot, 630 Beheld the st.u.r.dy Squire aforesaid Preparing to climb up his horse side.

He left his cure, and laying hold Upon his arms, with courage bold, Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635 The enemy begin to rally: Let us, that are unhurt and whole, Fall on, and happy man be's dole.

This said, like to a thunderbolt, He flew with fury to th' a.s.sault, 640 Striving the enemy to attack Before he reach'd his horse's back.

RALPHO was mounted now, and gotten O'erthwart his beast with active vau'ting, Wrigling his body to recover 645 His seat, and cast his right leg over, When ORSIN, rushing in, bestow'd On horse and man so heavy a load, The beast was startled, and begun To kick and fling like mad, and run, 650 Bearing the tough Squire like a sack, Or stout king RICHARD, on his back, 'Till stumbling, he threw him down, Sore bruis'd, and cast into a swoon.

Meanwhile the Knight began to rouze 655 The sparkles of his wonted prowess.

He thrust his hand into his hose, And found, both by his eyes and nose, 'Twas only choler, and not blood, That from his wounded body flow'd. 660 This, with the hazard of the Squire, Inflam'd him with despightful ire.

Courageously he fac'd about.

And drew his other pistol out, And now had half way bent the c.o.c.k, 665 When CERDON gave so fierce a shock, With st.u.r.dy truncheon, thwart his arm, That down it fell, and did no harm; Then stoutly pressing on with speed, a.s.say'd to pull him off his steed. 670 The Knight his sword had only left, With which he CERDON'S head had cleft, Or at the least cropt off a limb, But ORSIN came, and rescu'd him.

He, with his lance, attack'd the Knight 675 Upon his quarters opposite.

But as a barque, that in foul weather, Toss'd by two adverse winds together, Is bruis'd, and beaten to and fro, And knows not which to turn him to; 680 So far'd the Knight between two foes, And knew not which of them t'oppose; Till ORSIN, charging with his lance At HUDIBRAS, by spightful chance, Hit CERDON such a bang, as stunn'd 685 And laid him flat upon the ground.

At this the Knight began to chear up, And, raising up himself on stirrup, Cry'd out, Victoria! Lie thou there, And I shall straight dispatch another, 690 To bear thee company in death: But first I'll halt a while, and breath: As well he might; for ORSIN, griev'd At th' wound that CERDON had receiv'd, Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695 And cure the hurt he gave before.

Mean while the Knight had wheel'd about, To breathe himself, and next find out Th' advantage of the ground, where best He might the ruffled foe infest. 700 This b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his steed, To run at ORSIN with full speed, While he was busy in the care Of CERDON'S wound, and unaware: But he was quick, and had already 705 Unto the part apply'd remedy: And, seeing th' enemy prepar'd, Drew up, and stood upon his guard.

Then, like a warrior right expert And skilful in the martial art, 710 The subtle Knight straight made a halt, And judg'd it best to stay th' a.s.sault, Until he had reliev'd the Squire, And then in order to retire; Or, as occasion should invite, 715 With forces join'd renew the fight.

RALPHO, by this time disentranc'd, Upon his b.u.m himself advanc'd, Though sorely bruis'd; his limbs all o'er With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore. 720 Right fain he would have got upon His feet again, to get him gone; When HUDIBRAS to aid him came:

Quoth he (and call'd him by his name,) Courage! the day at length is ours; 725 And we once more, as conquerors, Have both the field and honour won: The foe is profligate, and run.

I mean all such as can; for some This hand hath sent to their long home; 730 And some lie sprawling on the ground, With many a gash and b.l.o.o.d.y wound.

CAESAR himself could never say He got two victories in a day, As I have done, that can say, Twice I 735 In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici.

The foe's so numerous, that we Cannot so often vincere As they perire, and yet enow Be left to strike an after-blow; 740 Then, lest they rally, and once more Put us to fight the bus'ness o'er, Get up, and mount thy steed: Dispatch, And let us both their motions watch.

Quoth RALPH, I should not, if I were 745 In case for action, now be here: Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'd An a.r.s.e, for fear of being bang'd.

It was for you I got these harms, Advent'ring to fetch off your arms. 750 The blows and drubs I have receiv'd Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd My limbs of strength. Unless you stoop, And reach your hand to pull me up, I shall lie here, and be a prey 755 To those who now are run away.

That thou shalt not, (quoth HUDIBRAS;) We read, the ancients held it was More honourable far, servare Civem, than slay an adversary: 760 The one we oft to-day have done, The other shall dispatch anon: And though th' art of a diff'rent Church I will not leave thee in the lurch.

This said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765 And steer'd him gently toward the Squire; Then bowing down his body, stretch'd His hand out, and at RALPHO reach'd; When TRULLA, whom he did not mind, Charg'd him like lightening behind. 770 She had been long in search about MAGNANO'S wound, to find it out; But could find none, nor where the shot, That had so startled him, was got But having found the worst was past, 775 She fell to her own work at last, The pillage of the prisoners, Which in all feats of arms was hers; And now to plunder RALPH she flew, When HUDIBRAS his hard fate drew 780 To succour him; for, as he bow'd To help him up, she laid a load Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well, On t'other side, that down he fell.

Yield, scoundrel base, (quoth she,) or die: 785 Thy life is mine and liberty: But if thou think'st I took thee tardy, And dar'st presume to be so hardy, To try thy fortune o'er a-fresh, I'll wave my t.i.tle to thy flesh, 790 Thy arms and baggage, now my right; And if thou hast the heart to try't, I'll lend thee back thyself a while, And once more, for that carca.s.s vile, Fight upon tick. -- Quoth HUDIBRAS, 795 Thou offer'st n.o.bly, valiant la.s.s, And I shall take thee at thy word.

First let me rise and take my sword.

That sword which has so oft this day Through squadrons of my foes made way, 800 And some to other worlds dispatch'd, Now with a feeble spinster match'd, Will blush with blood ign.o.ble stain'd, By which no honour's to be gain'd.

But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 805 Consider whilst thou may'st, what 'tis To interrupt a victor's course, B' opposing such a trivial force: For if with conquest I come off, (And that I shall do sure enough,) 810 Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace, By law of arms, in such a case; Both which I now do offer freely.

I scorn (quoth she) thou c.o.xcomb silly, (Clapping her hand upon her breech, 815 To shew how much she priz'd his speech,) Quarter or counsel from a foe If thou can'st force me to it, do.

But lest it should again be said, When I have once more won thy head, 820 I took thee napping, unprepar'd, Arm, and betake thee to thy guard.

This said, she to her tackle fell, And on the Knight let fall a peal Of blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 825 That he retir'd, and follow'd's b.u.m.

Stand to't (quoth she) or yield to mercy It is not fighting arsie-versie Shall serve thy turn. -- This stirr'd his spleen More than the danger he was in, 830 The blows he felt, or was to feel, Although th' already made him reel.

Honour, despight; revenge and shame, At once into his stomach came, Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm 835 Above his head, and rain'd a storm Of blows so terrible and thick, As if he meant to hash her quick.

But she upon her truncheon took them, And by oblique diversion broke them, 840 Waiting an opportunity To pay all back with usury; Which long she fail'd not of; for now The Knight with one dead-doing blow Resolving to decide the fight, 845 And she, with quick and cunning slight, Avoiding it, the force and weight He charged upon it was so great, As almost sway'd him to the ground.

No sooner she th' advantage found, 850 But in she flew; and seconding With home-made thrust the heavy swing, She laid him flat upon his side; And mounting on his trunk a-stride, Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855 Of all thy vapouring, base sc.u.m.

Say, will the law of arms allow I may have grace and quarter now?

Or wilt thou rather break thy word, And stain thine honour than thy sword? 860 A man of war to d.a.m.n his soul, In basely breaking his parole And when, before the fight, th' had'st vow'd To give no quarter in cold blood Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865 To make me 'gainst my will take quarter; Why dost not put me to the sword, But cowardly fly from thy word?