Hudibras Part 19

No sooner was one blow diverted, But up another party started; And, as if nature too, in haste To furnish out supplies as fast, 190 Before her time, had turn'd destruction T' a new and numerous production, No sooner those were overcome, But up rose others in their room, That, like the Christian faith, increast 195 The more, the more they were supprest Whom neither chains, nor transportation, Proscription, sale, or confiscation, Nor all the desperate events Of former try'd experiments 200 Nor wounds cou'd terrify, nor mangling, To leave off loyalty and dangling; Nor death (with all his bones) affright From vent'ring to maintain the right, From staking life and fortune down 205 'Gainst all together, for the Crown; But kept the t.i.tle of their cause From forfeiture, like claims in laws And prov'd no prosp'rous usurpation Can ever settle in the nation; 210 Until, in spight of force and treason, They put their loyalty in possession; And by their constancy and faith, Destroy 'd the mighty men of Gath.

Toss'd in a furious hurricane, 215 Did OLIVER give up his reign; And was believ'd, as well by Saints, As mortal men and miscreants, To founder in the Stygian Ferry; Until he was retriev'd by STERRY, 220 Who, in a faise erroneous dream, Mistook the New Jerusalem Prophanely for the apocryphal False Heaven at the end o' th' Hall; Whither it was decreed by Fate 225 His precious reliques to translate.

So ROMULUS

was seen before B' as orthodox a Senator; From whose divine illumination He stole the Pagan revelation. 230

Next him his Son and Heir Apparent Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent; Who first laid by the Parliament, The only crutch on which he leant; And then sunk underneath the State, 235 That rode him above horseman's weight.

And now the Saints began their reign, For which th' had yearn'd so long in vain, And felt such bowel-hankerings, To see an empire all of Kings. 240 Deliver'd from the Egyptian awe Of Justice, Government, and Law, And free t' erect what spiritual Cantons Should be reveal'd, or Gospel Hans-Towns, To edify upon the ruins 245 Of JOHN of LEYDEN'S old Out-goings; Who for a weather-c.o.c.k hung up, Upon the Mother Church's top; Was made a type, by Providence, Of all their revelations since; 250 And now fulfill'd by his successors, Who equally mistook their measures For when they came to shape the model, Not one could fit another's noddle; But found their Light and Gifts more wide 255 From fadging than th' unsanctify'd; While ev'ry individual brother Strove hand to fist against another; And still the maddest, and most crackt, Were found the busiest to transact 260 For though most hands dispatch apace, And make light work, (the proverb says,) Yet many diff'rent intellects Are found t' have contrary effects; And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 265 As slowest insects have most legs.

Some were for setting up a King; But all the rest for no such thing, Unless KING JESUS. Others tamper'd For FLEETWOOD, DESBOROUGH, and LAMBERT; 270 Some for the Rump; and some, more crafty, For Agitators, and the safety; Some for the Gospel, and ma.s.sacres Of Spiritual Affidavit-makers, That swore to any human regence, 275 Oaths of supremacy and allegiance; Yea, though the ablest swearing Saint That vouch'd the Bulls o' th' Covenant: Others for pulling down th' high-places Of Synods and Provincial Cla.s.ses, 280 That us'd to make such hostile inroads Upon the Saints, like b.l.o.o.d.y NIMRODS Some for fulfilling prophecies, And th' expiration of th' excise And some against th' Egyptian bondage 285 Of holy-days, and paying poundage: Some for the cutting down of groves, And rectifying bakers' loaves: And some for finding out expedients Against the slav'ry of obedience. 290 Some were for Gospel Ministers, And some for Red-coat Seculars, As men most fit t' hold forth the word, And wield the one and th' other sword.

Some were for carrying on the work 295 Against the Pope, and some the Turk; Some for engaging to suppress, The Camisado of surplices, That gifts and dispensations hinder'd, And turn'd to th' Outward Man the Inward; 300 More proper for the cloudy night Of Popery than Gospel Light.

Others were for abolishing That tool of matrimony, a ring, With which th' unsanctify'd bridegroom 305 Is marry'd only to a thumb; (As wise as ringing of a pig, That us'd to break up ground, and dig;) The bride to nothing but her will, That nulls the after-marriage still 310 Some were for th' utter extirpation Of linsey-woolsey in the nation; And some against all idolizing The Cross in shops-books, or Baptizing Others to make all things recant 315 The Christian or Surname of Saint; And force all churches, streets, and towns, The holy t.i.tle to renounce.

Some 'gainst a Third Estate of Souls, And bringing down the price of coals: 320 Some for abolishing black-pudding, And eating nothing with the blood in; To abrogate them roots and branches; While others were for eating haunches Of warriors, and now and then, 325 The flesh of Kings and mighty men And some for breaking of their bones With rods of ir'n, by secret ones: For thrashing mountains, and with spells For hallowing carriers' packs and bells: 330 Things that the legend never heard of, But made the wicked sore afear'd of.

The quacks of Government (who sate At th' unregarded helm of State, And understood this wild confusion 335 Of fatal madness and delusion, Must, sooner than a prodigy, Portend destruction to be nigh) Consider'd timely how t' withdraw, And save their wind-pipes from the law; 340 For one rencounter at the bar Was worse than all th' had 'scap'd in war; And therefore met in consultation To cant and quack upon the nation; Not for the sickly patient's sake, 345 For what to give, but what to take; To feel the pulses of their fees, More wise than fumbling arteries: Prolong the snuff of life in pain, And from the grave recover -- Gain. 350

'Mong these there was a politician With more heads than a beast in vision, And more intrigues in ev'ry one Than all the wh.o.r.es of Babylon: So politic, as if one eye 355 Upon the other were a spy, That, to trepan the one to think The other blind, both strove to blink; And in his dark pragmatick way, As busy as a child at play. 360 H' had seen three Governments run down, And had a hand in ev'ry one; Was for 'em and against 'em all, But barb'rous when they came to fall For, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 365 He made his int'rest with the new one Play'd true and faithful, though against His conscience, and was still advanc'd.

For by the witchcraft of rebellion Transform'd t' a feeble state-camelion, 370 By giving aim from side to side, He never fail'd to save his tide, But got the start of ev'ry state, And at a change ne'er came too late; Cou'd turn his word, and oath, and faith, 375 As many ways as in a lath; By turning, wriggle, like a screw, Int' highest trust, and out, for new.

For when h' had happily incurr'd, Instead of hemp, to be preferr'd, 380 And pa.s.s'd upon a government, He pay'd his trick, and out he went But, being out, and out of hopes To mount his ladder (more) of ropes, Wou'd strive to raise himself upon 385 The publick ruin, and his own; So little did he understand The desp'rate feats he took in hand.

For when h' had got himself a name For fraud and tricks, he spoil'd his game; 390 Had forc'd his neck into a noose, To shew his play at fast and loose; And when he chanc'd t' escape, mistook For art and subtlety, his luck.

So right his judgment was cut fit, 395 And made a tally to his wit, And both together most profound At deeds of darkness under-ground; As th' earth is easiest undermin'd By vermin impotent and blind. 400

By all these arts, and many more, H' had practis'd long and much before, Our state artificer foresaw Which way the world began to draw.

For as old sinners have all points 405 O' th' compa.s.s in their bones and joints, Can by their pangs and aches find All turns and changes of the wind, And better than by NAPIER's bones Feel in their own the age of moons; 410 So guilty sinners in a state Can by their crimes prognosticate, And in their consciences feel pain Some days before a show'r of rain.

He therefore wisely cast about, 415 All ways he cou'd, t' ensure his throat; And hither came, t' observe and smoke What courses other riskers took And to the utmost do his best To save himself, and hang the rest. 420 To match this Saint, there was another As busy and perverse a Brother, An haberdasher of small wares In politicks and state affairs; More Jew than Rabbi ACHITOPHEL, 425 And better gifted to rebel: For when h' had taught his tribe to 'spouse The Cause, aloft, upon one house, He scorn'd to set his own in order, But try'd another, and went further; 430 So suddenly addicted still To's only principle, his will, That whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove, Nor force of argument cou'd move; Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holborn, 435 Could render half a grain less stubborn.

For he at any time would hang For th' opportunity t' harangue; And rather on a gibbet dangle, Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle; 440 In which his parts were so accomplisht, That, right or wrong, he ne'er was non-plusht; But still his tongue ran on, the less Of weight it bore, with greater ease; And with its everlasting clack 445 Set all men's ears upon the rack.

No sooner cou'd a hint appear, But up he started to picqueer, And made the stoutest yield to mercy, When he engag'd in controversy. 450 Not by the force of carnal reason, But indefatigable teazing; With vollies of eternal babble, And clamour, more unanswerable.

For though his topics, frail and weak, 455 Cou'd ne'er amount above a freak, He still maintain'd 'em, like his faults, Against the desp'ratest a.s.saults; And back'd their feeble lack of sense, With greater heat and confidence? 460 As bones of Hectors, when they differ, The more they're cudgel'd grow the stiffer.

Yet when his profit moderated, The fury of his heat abated.

For nothing but his interest 465 Cou'd lay his Devil of Contest.

It was his choice, or chance; or curse, T' espouse the Cause for bett'r or worse, And with his worldly goods and wit, And soul and body, worship'd it: 470 But when he found the sullen trapes Possess'd with th' Devil, worms, and claps; The Trojan mare, in foal with Greeks, Not half so full of jadish tricks; Though squeamish in her outward woman, 475 As loose and rampant as Dol Common; He still resolv'd to mend the matter, T' adhere and cleave the obstinater; And still the skittisher and looser Her freaks appear'd, to sit the closer. 480 For fools are stubborn in their way, As coins are harden'd by th' allay: And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff As when 'tis in a wrong belief.

These two, with others, being met, 485 And close in consultation set, After a discontented pause, And not without sufficient cause, The orator we nam'd of late, Less troubled with the pangs of State 490 Than with his own impatience, To give himself first audience, After he had a while look'd wise, At last broke silence, and the ice.

Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 495 Our last out-goings brought about, More than to see the characters Of real jealousies and fears Not feign'd, as once, but, sadly horrid, Scor'd upon ev'ry Member's forehead; 500 Who, 'cause the clouds are drawn together, And threaten sudden change of weather, Feel pangs and aches of state-turns, And revolutions in their corns; And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 505 Throw up the Cause before 'tis lost.

Was it to run away we meant, When, taking of the Covenant, The lamest cripples of the brothers Took oaths to run before all others; 510 But in their own sense only swore To strive to run away before; And now would prove, that words and oath Engage us to renounce them both?

'Tis true, the Cause is in the lurch, 515 Between a Right and Mungrel-Church; The Presbyter and Independent, That stickle which shall make an end on't; As 'twas made out to us the last Expedient -- ( I mean Marg'ret's Fast,) 520 When Providence had been suborn'd, What answer was to be return'd.

Else why should tumults fright us now, We have so many times come through?

And understand as well to tame, 525 As when they serve our turns t'inflame: Have prov'd how inconsiderable Are all engagements of the rabble, Whose frenzies must be reconcil'd With drums and rattles, like a child; 530 But never prov'd so prosperous As when they were led on by us For all our scourging of religion Began with tumult and sedition; When hurricanes of fierce commotion 535 Became strong motives to devotion; (As carnal seamen, in a storm, Turn pious converts, and reform;) When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges, Maintain'd our feeble privileges; 540 And brown-bills levy'd in the City, Made bills to pa.s.s the Grand Committee; When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves, Gave chace to rochets and white sleeves, And made the Church, and State, and Laws, 545 Submit t' old iron and the Cause.

And as we thriv'd by tumults then, So might we better now agen, If we knew how, as then we did, To use them rightly in our need: 550 Tumults, by which the mutinous Betray themselves instead of us.

The hollow-hearted, disaffected, And close malignant are detected, Who lay their lives and fortunes down 555 For pledges to secure our own; And freely sacrifice their ears T' appease our jealousies and fears; And yet, for all these providences W' are offer'd, if we had our senses; 560 We idly sit like stupid blockheads, Our hands committed to our pockets; And nothing but our tongues at large, To get the wretches a discharge: Like men condemn'd to thunder-bolts, 565 Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts; Or fools besotted with their crimes, That know not how to shift betimes, And neither have the hearts to stay, Nor wit enough to run away; 570 Who, if we cou'd resolve on either, Might stand or fall at least together; No mean or trivial solace To partners in extreme distress; Who us'd to lessen their despairs, 575 By parting them int' equal shares; As if the more they were to bear, They felt the weight the easier; And ev'ry one the gentler hung, The more he took his turn among. 580 But 'tis not come to that, as yet, If we had courage left, or wit; Who, when our fate can be no worse, Are fitted for the bravest course; Have time to rally, and prepare 585 Our last and best defence, despair; Despair, by which the gallant'st feats Have been atchiev'd in greatest straits, And horrid'st danger safely wav'd, By being courageously out-brav'd; 590 As wounds by wider wounds are heal'd, And poisons by themselves expell'd: And so they might be now agen, If we were, what we shou'd be, men; And not so dully desperate, 595 To side against ourselves with Fate; As criminals, condemn'd to suffer, Are blinded first, and then turn'd over.