How to Ruin Series Part 81

"That'd probably help your aim." I can see him trying to hide his laugh with a cough.

Avi watches as I aim again. I control my breathing and shoot.

"Did I hit it?"

He smiles at me. "No. It went low. You overcompensated for the recoil too much by lowering the barrel. Try again."

I keep firing until my magazine is empty.

I hit the target a bunch of times. I still think guns are dangerous and scary. But in a controlled environment like this, it's not so bad.

After we shoot two more magazines full of live ammunition, and I've finally learned to hit the target consistently, we're taught how to clean and care for our weapon. Because we're just trainees and not real, full-time Israeli soldiers, we have to hand in our magazines. Unless we're on the range, our issued rifles won't be anywhere near live ammo.

"Keep your rifle in your possession at all times unless instructed otherwise,"

Ronit tells us. "And watch your weapon closely. Liron or I might sneak up on you and take it in the middle of the night. If you don't wake up and we end up with your weapon, you'll have to do pushups come morning. Whether you keep it under your pillow or next to you in bed is up to you."

I grip my M16. I feel the smooth barrel and ridged handgrip. Not my first choice in sleeping partners, that's for sure. But since I have to sleep with it, I might as well give it a name.

George II.

"You shoot that rifle like a warrior woman, Amy," Nathan says. "I think Avi has rubbed off on you."

I don't feel like a warrior woman in the evening, after showers and I'm sitting on my bed wondering how I'm going to sleep with George II. The cold, hard black metal with traces of grease doesn't match my pink pillow.

Checking out how the other girls are sleeping with their guns, I notice most of them are placing them under their pillows.

If I want a crick in my neck in the morning, putting the rifle under my pillow would be a great idea.

I don't want a sore neck in the morning.

Since I slide my arm under my pillow to sleep every night (it's hereditary; my dad does it, too), I figure George II will be better off if I sleep hugging him. I pull the covers up and lie on my pillow. Pulling George II closer, I hug him tight.

If Avi could see me now, hugging a black rifle tight enough so that Liron or Ronit can't steal it away from me in the middle of the night, he'd probably be proud.

I just wish it was Avi I was hugging instead of a big piece of metal. If only I could hug Avi tight enough so no girl could steal him away from me, I'd be happy.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

20.

When your mom told you life isn't fair, she wasn't kidding.

The next day we're off to the obstacle course again. Avi isn't with us, so we're without a team leader. Liron said Sergeant B-S called him into his office, and n.o.body has seen him since.

Determined to master the monkey bars, I take a deep breath when it's my turn and swing my body from one bar to the next.

My team cheers me on ... even Tori, who has lost a tiny bit of her edge. We've fallen behind because of me, but when I finish the monkey bars without help and everyone claps for me, I catch a genuine smile on Tori's face as she congratulates me.

We still lose the race to Liron's team, but not by much. I think our team has finally become a cohesive unit, bolstered and strengthened by each other. When we all give high fives to each other, I catch sight of Avi standing next to Sergeant B-S.

They both have very serious expressions on their faces.

Avi tells us we did a good job, then pulls me aside.

"If you're gonna tell me I should have gone up that rope by myself, I just couldn't," I tell him. "Next time I'll try. I promise."

"It's not about the rope, Amy."

He's definitely concerned about something. "What's wrong?"

"It's your safta."

My grandma? I swallow hard, thinking the worst. She has cancer, but I thought she was doing okay. Was I wrong? "Is ... is she okay?" I hardly get the words out because there's a lump in my throat.

"Your father called. She was taken to the hospital last night and he thinks you should go there. Just in case."

"Just in case of what?"

He shrugs. "I don't know."

"What exactly did he say?"

"Sergeant Ben-Shimon gave me a forty- eight hour leave and use of a car. Come on, we can talk about it on the way."

I say my goodbyes to everyone in my unit. Even though Avi and I are abandoning them, Sergeant B-S says he'll take over as team leader for the next forty-eight hours until Avi comes back. My farewell is filled with tears, because I'm not coming back. And while I hated being here, I loved it too.

It takes me less than a half hour to pack up. Avi accompanies me to the bittan and doesn't leave my side the entire time. In the car, we're finally alone-without military restrictions or rules.

"So what did my dad say?" I ask.

"He said not to panic until they know more. He just wanted you with the family in case it's something serious."

"What if she's dying?"

"Don't start thinking the worst."

"That's like telling my dog Mutt not to smell crotches."

He looks sideways at me as he drives.

"Is that why you think the worst of me?"

"You kissed Liron more than once. I didn't make it up."

"I admitted to kissing Liron. When you kissed Nathan, I heard you out and we got past it. Why won't you hear me out?"

I might as well tell him the truth.

"Because I'm afraid."

"Of the truth?"

Of course. The truth hurts most of the time. I have a history of pushing people away in an effort to avoid the truth.

"Yeah," I tell him. "I'm afraid of the truth.

I think of you being attracted to someone else, and I feel sick. And when I visualize you kissing someone else, the pain is just too great. I thought you, of all people, would never disappoint me."

I look out the window, trying to avoid looking right at Avi. Admitting how much his betrayal has affected me makes me vulnerable.

"I've been waiting for some hint that you want to fight for us."

"I'm done fighting," I say.

"I'm not."

"It's an occupational hazard for you.

You're a soldier, trained to fight."

"So what do you want, Amy? You want to be enemies? Friends?"

"Friends sounds good. You know, what we are without the dating part. That way, I have no expectations." Maybe Noah has it right ... no expectations means you don't get hurt.

Avi takes a deep breath. "If just being friends is what you want, I'll give you that.

But when you're ready to fight for more, let me know. Because nothing is as intense as when we're together. Admit it."

"I admit it. But who says intense is best?"

"Me. And you, if you'd just open your eyes long enough to realize we might not be the most perfect couple, but we're better together than apart. Truth is, I'm afraid of losing you," he blurts out. "I know this probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but we don't have many chances to be alone. Nathan isn't the one- you know that. Sure, he talks a lot. Each word out of me is a struggle sometimes.

But you and I ... Amy ... " He hesitates, and I can just feel him trying to get the right words out to express his feelings. For a guy who hardly ever talks in public, expressing emotion out loud is harder than shooting a flea a hundred meters away.

"We're just right."

The problem is, I don't think my heart can handle another Avi breakup. I'm programmed to be emotional; I can't help it. For better or worse, my att.i.tude and "drama queen-ness" defines who I am.

Avi, on the other hand, is emotionally and drama-challenged. And although I came on this boot camp program in order to see him, maybe it was G.o.d's way of hinting that we're just too different.

"I'm always going to be afraid a smarter girl or a prettier girl is going to lure you away from me. Listen, I don't blame you for being attracted to Liron. She's beautiful, she can scale walls, climb ropes, and she carries a rifle. If I liked girls, I'd go for her too."

"Just hear me out, okay?"

My resolve is weakening fast. I have the childish urge to cover my ears with my palms and sing la, la, la, la, la, la so I don't hear what happened between Avi and Liron. But I guess I can't hide from the truth forever.

"Okay, Avi. Tell me why you kissed Liron."

21.

Sometimes the truth hurts ...

but you can't let it consume your life.

Everyone can take lessons in life from the Israelis.

We're driving north toward Tiberias.

Every time I look out the window, I see Israelis doing the same things we do back home. I see kids playing on playgrounds, teens playing soccer, and people eating at restaurants. I wonder why Israelis don't act like they're living in a war zone. How can they be so strong-willed? How can they know the truth -that some of the countries surrounding them would like nothing better than to destroy their country -and still live carefree lives?

I brace myself for the truth of what happened between Avi and Liron. Listen, I'm half Israeli myself. I can act like an Israeli and tackle any obstacle that comes my way. At least I think I can.

"Now probably isn't the best time to talk about it, with your safta in the hospital, but we might not get another chance."

"At least it'll get my mind off of wondering what's wrong with her. Go ahead, Avi. I need to know."

"Survival training was a total mind game," he tells me. "Lack of sleep, being blindfolded and finding out what it was like to be captured by terrorists, watching actual footage of Jews being brutally murdered just because they were Jewish or Israeli. Some of the bodies were so mutilated you wondered if they were killed by humans or beasts. You question your faith in G.o.d, because why would He let those things happen? You end up puking your guts out. You get so sad that every guy, no matter how tough, breaks down and cries like a baby. Then anger and a craving for revenge replaces the sorrow. Fury seeps from every pore of your body. I was so exhausted there were times I had no clue if my thoughts were my own, and at times I was so enraged I wanted to rush out and kill every terrorist single-handedly."

I watch as he shakes his head and lets out a slow breath. I'm not sure if it's because it hurts to recall that week of training or if it's because he desperately wants his country to live in peace but doesn't see how that's possible. Either way, I'm stunned by the rush of words and emotion.

"Afterward, I needed you, Amy," he continues. "I needed you so d.a.m.n bad. I wanted to hold you in my arms again, feel your warm sweet body against mine to remind me that there's something good out there, that this world isn't only full of hatred and evil. Liron felt the same way.

Her boyfriend was stationed on another base and you were in the States. I remember what you said about it being okay if we saw other people. Being with Liron until I started feeling human again seemed like a great solution at the time."

He gives a short, cynical laugh. "But it sucked, because she wasn't you." His swipes his eyes with the back of his hand, getting emotional. "She wasn't you," he chokes out.

I'm starting to cry now too. "It's not fair, Avi. We found each other but live in two different countries. Just when I feel the closest to you, we're ripped apart. It's not fair."

"Amy, tell me anyone else can make your heart pound like it does when you're with me," he says. "Tell me you think anything or anyone can compare with it, and I'll give up on us."

Oh, G.o.d. I want us to get back together, because n.o.body can make me feel like he does. I want him so bad. I can't deny it any longer, to myself or him.

"No, Avi. Don't give up on us." The Israeli side of me bursts forward with a vengeance, and I think my fighting spirit has finally come out. Boot camp has changed me. I put my hand over his. "I forgive you. I can't forget what you did with Liron just as much as you probably can't forget I kissed Nathan. But I can definitely forgive."

He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it.