How to Ruin Series Part 79

The area gets steeper and steeper.

We're running up a mountain. I wonder if, when I get to the top, I can just roll down.

Soon I'm struggling to keep up. Miranda has fallen behind, and I hear Nimrod urging her on.

I try to drink from my canteen, but it all spills down my neck and the front of my shirt because it's not easy to drink and run at the same time.

I'm not a fast runner, and when the good runners catch up to me, I get frustrated.

Especially because I see Jess in the distance, lying on the stretcher like Cleopatra being carried by her manservants.

When I'm sweating and panting and think I can't run anymore, Avi's words from earlier echo in my head. Push yourself. I have faith in you.

I run faster, the mantra helping me along.

I feel victorious when I catch up to the guys running with the jerry cans.

Avi's right. I can do this. My arms are moving fast, my legs are moving fast, and I'm ignoring the fact that my canteen is banging against my side with every stride.

I think of all the soldiers who have it worse, like everyone in the Sayeret Tzefa unit. They have to carry a big rifle, wear a heavy vest, and still run.

I'm a machine now, running fast without thinking about how much I hate it or want to go to sleep. I'm not thinking about Avi, or George the Zit, or Nathan, or Tori, or Miranda, or even Jess aka Cleopatra ... I am one with the earth.

Except ...

My toe hits what must be a rock, stopping my momentum. I'm gonna fall. I try to get my hands out to break the impact, but my reflexes aren't as fast as my feet.

I slam to the ground. I'm not lucky enough to fall on pavement or gra.s.s-just gravel and stones. My hips get slammed against sharp rocks. Pebbles slice into my forearms as I slide over them. As my chin sc.r.a.pes the ground like a plane landing on a runway, my headlight slides off George and crashes onto the bridge of my nose, blocking my view.

d.a.m.n. That. Hurt.

My body is paralyzed from shock and pain. I'm afraid to move. My forearms are burning like someone has lit a match, and the flames are licking my skin.

Some people have pa.s.sed me, but others have stopped. There's commotion. At least I haven't fainted, which is a good thing.

"Are you okay?" someone asks.

"She totally wiped out," someone else adds.

"Amy!" It's Avi's voice. He doesn't sound like a military commando anymore.

He sounds concerned. His concern, along with the burning in my arms and knees and chin, makes me emotional. As I swallow back tears, a warm, comforting hand pulls off my headlight and pushes the hair out of my face. "Amy, can you move?"

I dread the thought of moving. I'd rather stay here for a while because I fear the additional injuries I've gotten and don't know about yet. "I think so," I say, wincing as I attempt, and fail, to sit up. "Oh, G.o.d, I'm so embarra.s.sed."

Avi orders the gawkers to keep going.

Nimrod urges the unit forward and leaves Avi to tend to my injuries.

"Everyone's gone. It's just us."

"Aren't we going to get in trouble if we're alone?" I sniff a couple of times, then wipe my nose with my sleeve. I'm giving up preserving my ego. In fact, my ego is non-existent now ... I think I left it back in Chicago.

"It's fine. I'm trained in first aid."

I swipe away the tears running down my cheeks as Avi slowly helps me sit up.

"I'm fine," I say, sniffing again. "I need to get up so I can finish the run."

"You're not doing anything until I know the extent of your injuries."

I push his hands away as he pulls up my now shredded sleeves. "Stop."

"Don't be stubborn, Amy." I try to stand, but Avi pushes me back down. He swears when he bends my elbow and sees the damage. "You're hurt. There's blood all over your arms."

"It doesn't matter. If you got your arm shot off, you'd jump right up and finish the run because you're superhuman."

"I'm not superhuman."

"Sure you are. Liron is, too."

He stops his examination and looks at me. "Huh?"

"She's the female version of you. If she fell, she'd jump up and finish this stupid running exercise on these stupid rocks that jut out of the stupid ground without warning."

"That's a lot of stupids," he says.

"Yeah, well, that's how I feel right now.

Like everything is stupid." I feel my hot, stupid tears streaming down my dirty, dusty face.

"I need to clean out your stupid wounds with some stupid water. Okay?" He pours water from his canteen on my arms.

I suck in my breath. "Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow."

"Sorry. Just hang in there." He unzips a pocket on his vest and takes out what I guess is first aid stuff. He rips open a packet and pulls out a little white antiseptic pad.

I jerk my arm away in antic.i.p.ation of the antiseptic on my open wounds. "Ouch!" I say before he even touches me with it. "It's gonna sting."

"Only for a second. It'll help numb it, too. Trust me."

I give him a "yeah, right" look.

"Trust me," he says, so tenderly it rocks my insides.

He takes one arm and gently wipes the cloth over my wound. When I wince, he softly blows on the cut, easing the sting. I close my eyes and try to focus on the pain instead of his breath and his fingers touching my skin.

Feeling his soft breath makes me think about when we were under the blanket on the couch at my condo. His kisses started at my lips, trailed over my skin, and then his breath followed those kisses ... and then his tongue followed that same path, giving me goose b.u.mps. When he stopped, I begged him to do it again and again. And he did.

"The last thing I want is a female version of me," he says as he's busy pulling out another antiseptic pad. He takes my other arm and cleans it, blowing on it gently like before. It feels so good I never want him to stop. My anger at him weakens with each touch of his hand and each whisper of his breath on my skin. I hope he doesn't notice.

He bandages both my forearms with gauze. "It's only a temporary fix until I get you to the infirmary, but it'll have to do.

What else hurts?"

"Everything. My hips are burning, my knees are burning. My chin feels raw."

Even my heart hurts-being this close to him and knowing that our relationship is over stabs like a knife. I moan.

"Does anything feel like it's broken?" he asks, his arm supporting my back.

"No." Nothing besides my heart, but that had nothing to do with my fall.

He pushes up my pants leg, and his fingers run over my knee checking the damage. He makes me bend and straighten my leg a couple of times. "No cuts or broken bones, but you're gonna have some nasty bruises tomorrow."

I take a deep breath, gulping back tears.

My breath comes out in little spurts. I hate showing this much weakness, especially in front of someone who protects his own at all costs. "Thanks for helping me, Avi."

He rubs my chin with another pad. He cups my cheeks in his hands and swipes my tears away with his thumbs. "I'm your team leader. You're my responsibility."

Duh! I should've known he wasn't being this nice because he still cared about me. I hold back a response. Time stops, though, as being this close brings back a flood of emotions. Avi leans forward, and I wonder whether, if I lean in, we'll kiss. I turn away before I'm tempted to try it. What if he turns away and my lips connect with his cheek? I'd die from embarra.s.sment.

He packs up the unused gauze and the open packets. "I'm taking you back to the base now," he says, lifting me up and carrying me in his strong, protective arms.

While it's so tempting to lean my head into his neck and let him take care of me, his words from this morning are still echoing in my head.

"Avi, I want to finish the run." I swear I can almost hear my bruised body scream "no!" But I want to push myself. I want to prove to myself, to Avi, and to my entire unit that I'm a warrior woman. Back when we were digging ditches, Liron accused Avi of taking it easy on me. And as much as I feel happy and safe in Avi's arms, and would love to be carried down the mountain because my body is protesting every movement I make, I don't want to give up.

He slowly puts me down. "You don't have to."

"I know. But you told me this morning to push myself."

He shakes his head and points to my torn pants and shirt. "Not while you're bleeding and hurt."

I show him my gauze-covered arms.

"Would you run even if you were bleeding?"

"Probably."

"Would Liron do it?"

"Probably. But she's been training alongside us Sayeret Tzefa trainees."

"Yeah, well, if she can do it, so can I." I strap on my canteen and slide my hot-pink headlight onto my head. I must look ridiculous with torn clothes, a sc.r.a.ped-up chin, and a hot-pink light that I'm not allowed to turn on, but I've got determination on my side. "I'm a kick-a.s.s Jewish warrior woman and don't you forget it."

"I won't," he says, smiling as we start at a slow jog up the mountain to try and catch up with everyone else. "I'm looking forward to seeing how a kick-a.s.s Jewish warrior woman does at live-fire rifle shooting tomorrow."

Huh? "Live fire?"

"What? You didn't think you were learning M16 rifle safety in the cla.s.sroom for nothing, did you?"

Umm ...

18.

Sometimes I'm a kick-a.s.s Jewish warrior woman ...

and sometimes I'm not.

Everyone is totally surprised when Avi and I catch up to them on the night run.

There's a big bonfire, and everyone is sitting around it. Sergeant B-S walks up to Avi and me and says something in Hebrew, which is obviously about me because Avi gestures to my torn uniform and sc.r.a.ped-up chin when he answers.

"You don't want to go back to the base?" Sergeant B-S asks.

"No." I have to admit I'm still in some pain, but whatever numbing stuff was on that pad Avi used on my arms has taken the edge off.

Sergeant B-S nods approvingly. "Gefen, make sure she gets checked when we get back."

Avi salutes the sergeant.

The bonfire lights up the area and spreads warmth into the cool desert air. I could point out to Sergeant B-S that if my headlight could alert the enemy to our location, a big bonfire would most likely ensure our immediate demise.

But whatever. I'm trying to go with the flow here.

"You don't have to sit with me," I tell Avi as he hesitates at my side. He's probably desperate to get away from me and go to his girlfriend. While he was super nice to me when we were alone, it was obviously out of duty. Now that Liron is in sight, he's surely waiting for me to let him off the hook. "You should talk to Liron," I say. "There's an empty spot next to her. She's probably saving it for you."

He looks surprised, but he nods his head and shrugs. "You sure?"

"Yep. I'll be fine. Go." Ugh. My stomach is tied in knots as he walks away from me. I wish I hadn't pushed him to go to her, but it's better than asking him to sit with me and have him reject me ... or worse, have him sit next to me but long to be with Liron.

I find a spot next to Tori.

"You look like c.r.a.p," she tells me.

"Thanks. I'm sure I couldn't have figured that out on my own."

"Your bangs look good, though, thanks to me. Although the only way to hide the nasty cuts on your chin would be to grow a beard. I don't think it'll be too hard for you."