How to Ruin Series Part 20

I hope some sun rays will give me a golden tan and not burn my skin to a crisp. Believe it or not, I'm trying not to think about that comment Avi said to me after our kiss. But, in fact, I'm obsessing about it.

You needed it . Yeah, that's what he said. Can you believe it?

Maybe he needed it. Either way, it's not going to happen again. What would I say to Mitch? Maybe I shouldn't even tell him I kissed another guy. It's not like he's going to find out on his own or anything. And it didn't mean anything; it was just an innocent one-timer.

If food falling on the floor gets a five- second rule, shouldn't an innocent kiss get a one-timer rule? Of course it should, although I guess there is this itsy-bitsy- teensy-weensy part of my brain that's nagging me it wasn't an innocent kiss.

And I'm definitely ignoring the fact that there's this itsy-bitsy-teensy-weensy little part of me that wants to try it again. But not because I need it, that's for d.a.m.n sure.

I sit up. Just as I'm about to ask Avi what he meant by his comment about the kiss, we catch up to the other two kayaks.

"What took you guys so long?" Snotty asks.

I instantaneously blush when everyone focuses on us. My eyes dart from Avi to the rest of the gang guiltily.

A sly smile crosses O'dead's face and he raises his eyebrows a few times.

Instead of admitting we kissed and thinking of ways to divert the attention of the others, I take my paddle (which up until now I haven't used) and whack it on the water to splash Snotty and O'dead.

Direct hit!

My cousin and O'dead are shocked, their clothes are soaked, and I feel triumphant. Ha! That'll teach them to b.u.t.t into my business.

Snotty and O'dead try paddling closer to us and I frantically paddle away from them. Looking over at my kayak partner, I notice his paddle is not even in the water.

"Help me!" I scream while laughing.

"This is your fight, not mine," he says.

To answer him, I stick my paddle in the water and whack it in his direction. Avi is now dripping with Jordan River water.

I stick my tongue out at him, then say, "Now it is your fight."

Oh, I know what's coming next. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm going to stay dry for long. When Avi's paddle goes into the water and out of the corner of my eye I see O'dead and Snotty's kayak come closer, I just keep whacking my paddle on the river like a madwoman.

Water from all sides is coming at me.

Ofra and Doo-Doo must be joining the chaos. Not that I could actually see anything, because my eyes are shut tight.

For all I know I could be whacking water all over myself along with everyone else.

Suddenly, it's quiet except for my paddle hitting the water. So I stop and open my eyes.

Of course when I do, I realize it's the oldest trick in the book. Because as soon as I open my eyes, water splashes on me with a vengeance by everyone else.

"Truce!" I scream, especially when I realize how much water has entered the bottom of our kayak. "We're going to sink!"

The splashing stops and I realize we're all laughing together. And it makes me feel like I'm really part of their little club of friends.

By the time Avi and I reach the landing spot, our kayak is miraculously still floating. And waiting for us is a soldier with a machine gun slung over his shoulder.

At first, I'm startled. Then I realize who the soldier is . . . it's Moron, Avi's friend from the moshav. And the bandana I gave him with the peace sign is wrapped around the b.u.t.t of his gun.

Wow. My gift did mean something to him.

"Hi, Moron," I say when I get out of the kayak.

He smiles at me. "Hey, Amy."

I wish I could take a picture of him smiling like that in his uniform and gun with a peace sign on it. He looks so . . .

nice and harmless, not like someone who would actually shoot that gun at people. I could see the caption now in some national magazine: Moron, Israeli soldier.

The way the media likes to twist things around, the caption would probably get read like this: Moron Israeli soldier. Like he's a complete idiot instead of realizing it's the guy's name.

Moron walks up to me and says, "I'll be your military escort for the rest of your trip."

Military escort? Why do we need a military escort?

"You're kidding, right?"

"No."

I don't want anyone to laugh at me so I don't ask the other questions running through my head. Listen, I'm just starting to feel comfortable with these people and I don't want to make myself an outcast again.

We take a minibus and drive for hours and hours. The landscape of this beautiful land is breathtaking . . . one minute we're driving through gra.s.sy mountains resembling the rolling hills in The Sound of Music and the next we're in the middle of a large, populated city. If that weren't enough contrast, in another hour we're smack dab in the middle of a desert without a tree or house in sight.

Out the window I see Bedouin Arabs herding their goats in the desert. It's as if I'm looking at hundreds of years in the past through a piece of gla.s.s.

A half hour later I see military tanks trekking on the desert floor, shooting.

"What are they doing with those tanks?"

I ask nervously.

"Target practice," Avi says.

I hope their aim is accurate.

In less than two months Avi will be a soldier, too, learning to shoot a gun. And he's less than two years older than me.

It's the strangest thing. I'm actually getting used to seeing soldiers all around and guns and tanks daily . . . it boggles my mind how different life is here.

We stop off at a little store to get c.o.kes (thank the mighty lord) and snacks.

I watch through the store window as Avi goes out to the parking lot alone. I pay for my Kit Kat with the few shekels Snotty gave me and head after him.

"Okay, let's have it out," I say.

He turns to me as if surprised I'm cornering him. "What do you mean?"

"Duh! Why did you say back in the kayak you kissed me because I needed it?

If that wasn't the biggest copout, I don't know what is."

"What's a copout?"

I roll my eyes. "You know, taking the easy way out instead of admitting you liked kissing me. Admit it, Avi."

"I told your aba I would take care of you on this trip and nothing would happen to you."

"Yeah, well you can throw that promise out the window."

"I'm sorry if I led you on, but it's not going to happen between us."

I'm tired of arguing. Instead, to prove my point I reach out and grab the back of his head and pull him toward me. Instantly, our lips touch and it's like I'm in that kayak with him once again. I close my eyes and wrap both arms around his neck, glad when his arms go around my waist and he pulls me closer. I don't care who's watching, I wouldn't change this for the world.

But suddenly he drops his hands from my waist and pulls away. Then I watch in horror as he swipes his mouth with the back of his hand, as if he wants to erase the kiss off his lips.

"I can't do this, Amy. Don't make it hard for me."

Tears are welling in my eyes and I'm not even trying to stop them or wipe them.

"Don't cry," he says, reaching out to wipe a tear streaming down my cheek.

"You're a great girl-"

"Don't say that just to try and make me feel better. In fact, don't say anything to me. I get it, loud and clear."

I start to walk away from him and head to the minibus.

"Amy, let me explain," he says, catching me on my arm.

I stand there, waiting for words I'm not sure I want to hear. I look up at his face and for the first time I see something I've never seen before from him. Sorrow. It is so prevalent it makes me scared.

He squeezes his eyes shut for a second, as if the words coming out of his mouth will cause him pain just by saying them.

"My brother Micha died last year in a bombing."

He looks at me for my reaction, but I'm too stunned to say anything. Instead, I hug Avi tight, wishing I could take some of the pain away from him even though I know in my heart I can't.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper into his chest.

We stay that way for a long time. When he pulls back, I notice his eyes are bloodshot. He covers them with the palms of his hands.

"I hate being emotional," he says.

"I'm probably one of the most emotional people I know," I admit.

He gives me one of his rare smiles, then his expression turns serious.

"I like you, Amy. Probably more than I want to admit, even to myself. But I don't want to get serious with anyone right now.

I have a nephew without a father and a sister-in-law who just sits at home grieving her dead husband. I'm going into the army next month. If something happens -"

"If I promise not to grieve for you if you die, will that make you feel better?" I say.

He shakes his head. "It's not funny, Amy. I'm going to be trained as a commando."

"Listen, I'm just talking about a summer fling, not some lifetime love affair." I'm not even thinking about Mitch right now.

And I have a feeling Mitch isn't thinking about me, either. Avi and I have a connection I can't ignore.

"You're too emotional not to get involved. You could never have a summer fling. Not the way it's been between us, at least."

"Then what about we end it when this little adventure trip is over. If you want to be a coward for the rest of your life, go ahead. But if you want to have a great time with a kicka.s.s girl, you're going to have to face your fears." I want to say please, please, please, but I don't. Listen, a girl's got to have a little dignity left if she's rejected by the guy she likes.

"Who's the kicka.s.s girl?" he asks, pretending to look around for one.

Playfully I punch him in the stomach.

Nothing more is said about our non- relationship, but he kisses me and says, "You ready for this?"

I wink at him and say playfully, "Absolutely."

When he grabs my hand and leads me toward the rest of the gang, I'm not surprised their eyes are wide with shock.

Listen, if I were in their shoes I'd think the world spun on its axis a bit too fast to see me and Avi trying out an actual relationship. Even if it's only a non- committed, short fling.

The only thing nagging me in the back of my head is . . . what are the sleeping arrangements going to be like tonight?

Avi is eighteen, and way more experienced than me.

Will he expect more than I'm willing to give?

24.

Doing the wrong thing sometimes feels so right.

Moron drives us to a hotel. To be honest, I don't know how he found the place. It's in the middle of the desert with nothing else for miles around, or at least that's what it seems like.

The whole ride to Beersheva, Avi and I were really close, almost as if an invisible wall has been lifted between us. I rest comfortably in his arms and even sleep on his lap during the ride. And you know what? He strokes my hair, as if he treasures it. It feels sooooo good, almost too good because I'm getting these tingling sensations all over my body from just thinking about him kissing me again.