How to Ruin Series Part 144

"Thanks," he says. "I think I once called you inconsiderate and rude. You're not."

"Yeah, well, you caught me when I'm heartsick and weak."

I tell Nathan to be at Lounge Ax later. I have to pick up Jess and take her to dinner.

The bribe dinner.

At Hanabi, our favorite sushi place, I order the Jewish Chef's Special without crab or sh.e.l.lfish, a spicy tuna roll and spicy tuna rice bowls with tempura crunch.

Jess orders the Hwe Dup Bob bowl of kosher sushi, lettuce, and brown rice.

Jess takes the first bite of her special concoction and moans with delight. "This is so good."

"It better be. It's costing me sixteen dollars."

She shoves another forkful into her mouth. "First Avi, then Nathan ... now Wes. I think you've gone off the deep end here. I have to say giving you Wes's cell number was so worth this dinner."

Frustrated, I tell Jessica the truth. "The number was for Nathan. He plays guitar and needed guys to jam with."

"So you just spent sixteen dollars on my dinner for doing something nice for Nathan?"

I shove a spicy tuna roll into my mouth and nod.

Jess puts her fork down. "So you're not into Wes?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"What about Nathan?"

Another shake. "Nope."

"And Avi?"

At the mention of his name, my heart stings. "He's staying at Northwestern with a friend. It's over."

"Why?"

"Because he wants it to be. I kissed another guy, I humiliated him in front of everybody, and because he's in the Israeli military for the next three years."

"Do you still like him?"

"Oh, man, Jess, you can't imagine. It's like he took a piece of me when he left. I really screwed up. I wish I knew where he was, but even if I did I wouldn't know what to say to him."

"Too bad you can't kidnap him."

Yeah. Too bad. If I could kidnap him then I could tell him that it doesn't matter that we're apart. It doesn't matter that I kissed another guy. My heart still belongs to my Israeli soldier and n.o.body can take that away ... not time or a kiss. But why can't I kidnap him? Why can't I make him listen to what he might not want to hear?

While my mind is churning, I'm getting more excited by the second.

"That's it. Jess, you're a genius!" I say.

She looks at me, confused and clueless.

"I think I missed something."

"No, you're right. I need to kidnap Avi.

Secret military operation style-it's right up his alley."

"Jess, you don't even know what dorm he's staying in."

"We'll find out. Doesn't Miranda's aunt work in admissions? That's why she thinks she's automatically getting in?"

"Okay, so suppose you know where he's staying. Then what? We're going to handcuff him and take him in a getaway car? I've only seen him a few times, but I know he could overpower the two of us no problem."

She's right. I need more muscle on my side-a guy. "Nathan will help."

"Nathan?"

I convince her he's the only one who'll help. Besides, our kiss was fifty percent his fault.

In the evening, I recruit Nathan and Miranda.

Nathan's skeptical, but Miranda's on board. We plan the mission for Friday, after school.

Two days from today.

25.

What is G.o.d's definition of a family?

I've been trying to figure out my own definition, but I can't come up with one that makes complete sense.

I'm going to be a grandmother. For real.

My dad talked to Mr. Obermeyer's vet on the phone, confirming the results. Mutt really is a stud.

Not wanting bad blood with Mutt's father-in-law, I bake homemade doggie cookies and knock on Mr. Obermeyer's door. The creak on his floor alerts me he's home, although I'm not sure when he peeps through his peephole and realizes it's me he'll open the door.

Lucky (or not) for me, he opens the door. He does not look happy to see me.

"What do you want now?"

Holding out the bag of cookies that I tied with a pink ribbon, I say, "These are for Princess."

His lips unpurse for a millisecond.

Opening the door wider to let me in, I'm not sure I want to actually walk into Mr.

Obermeyer's condo. He's probably going to make me take my shoes off to protect his pristine floor and has plastic covering his furniture so n.o.body gets any marks on it.

I walk inside his place. He's got jazz playing softly in the background. "You like jazz?" I ask, trying to make conversation, at the same time wondering when I can make a smooth exit without insulting the old man. The last thing I want to do is upset Mr.

Obermeyer.

His grumpy threshold is very thin.

Reaching into the bag, he pulls out a homemade treat and hands it to Princess, who's lying on a pink plushy dog bed with her name embroidered on it. Her water bowl is right next to it. The pampered pooch doesn't even have to get up to drink; she can hang her head over the side of the bed and lap up her refreshment.

What a life!

"Your mutt really messed things up, didn't he?"

I bite my bottom lip. "I know it's my fault, Mr. Obermeyer. And I'll pay for the vet bills and even take all the puppies and sell them after they're weaned if you want so you don't have to look at them more than you have to. Just ... I'd appreciate it if you'd not terminate the pregnancy." Tears are coming to my eyes, which sucks because even though I'm emotional I hate to show it to other people.

"Wait here a second," Mr. Obermeyer says, leaving me alone while he disappears down the hall with his feet shuffling slowly across the floor. He shuffles back, holding a picture of an old woman beside a huge silver cup. A poodle is sitting next to her. The woman is grinning from ear to ear. You can tell she's deliriously proud. So is the dog.

"Is that Princess?"

"Yes, with my wife. Esther died last year, right after the dog show." Mr.

Obermeyer gazes at the picture longingly.

"I miss her."

"I'm sorry I ruined your dog's uterus," I say, taking advantage of the sentimental moment and praying he'll forgive me.

The old man shakes his head. "You didn't ruin her. It's just ... well, I'm a little overprotective of Princess."

Ya think? "What about the puppies?"

"My wife wanted to breed Princess and create champion purebreds."

"What do you want, Mr. Obermeyer?"

"I just want my wife back."

His dedication to his wife makes me think of Avi. And for the first time since I moved into my dad's building, I can relate to the old man. He's not bitter. He's jealous that I have a dad and friends and he's got n.o.body. Well, n.o.body except an ugly dog.

Here I was thinking all along that two people can't possibly make up a family, but I think I was wrong. Yes, it does happen that I'm wrong. Not often, but on the rare occasion.

"Mr. Obermeyer, how about you join us for a family Shabbat dinner next Friday."

"I'm not Jewish."

"You don't have to be Jewish in order to be in my family, Mr. Obermeyer. Just ask my mom."

26.

I love the Lord for He hears my voice, my pleas; for He turns His ear to me whenever I call (Psalms 116:1).

Sometimes my brilliant ideas get me in trouble and I need a little help from above.

"Knit caps?"

Miranda holds out our newly purchased hats for our kidnapping operation.

"Check."

"Black clothes?"

Miranda does a scan of me, Nathan, Jess, and herself. "Check."

"Flashlights?"

We all click them on to make sure they're working. "Check."

"Walkie-talkies?"

Jess holds up four Motorola ones her parents use when they go to Disneyland every year so n.o.body gets separated for too long.

"Handcuffs?"

I hold up the plastic ones I bought at Walgreens.

"Lipstick and scrunchies?"

"Now here's where I draw the line,"

Nathan says, flicking the light from his flashlight in my face.

"Nathan, obviously I didn't mean you.

Miranda, you've got the keys?"

Miranda jingles her keys in front of her.