How To Rescue A Dead Princess Part 23

"How did this happen? It seems like I had just asked you to chew a mint leaf, and now here we are all of a sudden making goo-goo eyes at each other in a meadow."

"Don't question the ways of love."

Randall whistled to get Jack and Bug's attention. "Hey, come on back here for a second."

"Yeah, what?" asked Jack as they approached.

"The quest is going to be put on hold for a little bit while I climb up that cliff and pick a strawberry."

"Sure, no problem," said Bug. "Have fun."

"Um, Randall?" asked Jack. "Can I talk to you for a moment in private?"

"All right." Randall and Jack began walking forward together. "What is it?"

"This is your quest, of course, and I don't want to tell you what to do, any more than I'd want you to tell me what to do, because freedom is one of our most cherished gifts, and it's not something to be taken for granted. But you're acting like a blithering idiot."

"A blithering one? Are you sure?"

Jack nodded. "If you don't find the reagents, you're up Spit Creek without waders, and yet you're willing to put everything on hold to pick some fruit for a halitosis-plagued woman you just met? I mean, she's got that 'The Pure' after her name, so you're not doing it for touchie-feelie-happy-squealie, which would be just as stupid but understandable."

"I don't know what's going on," Randall admitted. "It's just that when I look at her, I feel this tingling inside, as if the Spiders of Love were dancing around my innards with their tiny arachnid feet."

"Listen, Randall, you have to control yourself. This falling in love thing-it's like I were writing a book, and I decided I needed to put some romance in it to make it more commercial, and even though the love story didn't fit in with the rest of the plot and was extremely unbelievable and forced, I put it in there anyway. Do you see what I'm saying?"

"Obviously I can't see see what you're saying, but I hear it. Well, more or less, since there's also the humming of a thousand angels running through my head." what you're saying, but I hear it. Well, more or less, since there's also the humming of a thousand angels running through my head."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Snag the strawberry."

Jack shrugged. "Fine. It's your life. Do what you want."

Randall returned to Yvonne. "I'm ready to climb the cliff," he told her. "Any words of loving advice before I go?"

"If you fall, try to land on your back. You won't linger in agony quite as long."

So Randall set off for the cliff, as Yvonne watched with heartfelt joy. It took him a little longer than antic.i.p.ated to reach the cliff, however, because after ten steps the ground collapsed beneath him and he fell into a pit of scorpions.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" he shrieked. "AHH! AHH! AHH!"

"Can't you just hear the love in his voice?" sighed Yvonne.

The pit was about six feet deep, had an uncomfortably jagged bottom, and contained three thousand, two hundred and fifty-four scorpions, of which one thousand, eight hundred and six were already crawling over Randall. The odds that he could avoid getting stung were about as bad as the odds that in a meadow this vast he would have stumbled upon the pit in the first place. There was also a moth, but it posed a lesser threat.

"AHH! AHH! AHH!" Randall repeated, to make sure his meaning got across. Then he added an "OH, CRUD!" for clarity.

"Think it would disrupt his courtship if we helped him?" asked Jack.

"I guess we should do something," Yvonne decided. "It would appear from his shrieks that today's wooing is over."

"I love wooing," said Bug.

Down in the pit, Randall pulled a scorpion from each ear and, despite their high nutritional value and low caloric content, spat out the four that had scurried into his mouth while he was going "AHH! AHH! AHH!"

"Here, grab my hand!" said Jack, reaching down to help him. "No, wait, brush the scorpions off your own hand first!"

"I can't! There are too many of them!"

"You're right! There must be three thousand, two hundred and fifty-four of them down there! Yvonne, close your eyes and come over here!"

"Just pull me out!" screamed Randall. "These things have stingers!"

"Say what?" asked Jack, jerking his hand out of the pit. "Were you planning on just letting that little tidbit of information pa.s.s by? Jeez, they've got pinchers, too! There's probably some venom in there, for all I know!"

Yvonne shoved Jack out of the way and reached down into the pit with both hands. Within three seconds Randall had grabbed her arms and climbed up them, scorpions clinging to his shirt, pants, shoes, hair, prominent facial features, and skin pores. He then began performing the traditional Get These Scorpions The h.e.l.l Off Me dance, which involved bouncing around, ripping off clothing, and making noises that would be physically impossible in other circ.u.mstances.

"They're still on me!" he hollered as the dance began to wind down.

"The pond!" Yvonne shouted.

"What about the pond?"

"It's full of water!"

"What about water?"

"Jump in it!"

"Great idea! Where is the pond?"

"Just over that gra.s.sy knoll!"

"Will I be turning left or right?"

"You'll veer slightly to the right."

"Thank you!" Randall took off running over the knoll, then leapt into the pond. The water was nice and cool, and the scorpions immediately released him as they began doggy paddling for sh.o.r.e.

Jack, Yvonne, and Bug hurried over to the edge of the pond. "Are you okay?" asked Yvonne.

"Fine," said Randall. "I don't think I got stung."

Jack glanced at a small sign. "I wonder if they call it 'Leech Lagoon' just for aesthetic reasons?"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHH! AHH! AHH! I feel something slimy!"

"Leeches are slimy," Jack noted, uneasily. are slimy," Jack noted, uneasily.

Randall rushed out of the pond, covered with muck from the bottom but no leeches, excluding the three-foot-long one attached to his back. "Get it off me! Get it off me!"

"Just what I need," said Jack. "Another phobia for my collection. Yvonne, I really liked the way you handled our little scorpion situation. Do it again so that I can learn from your technique."

Yvonne grabbed the tail end of the leech and began to tug, but it held fast. "You have to burn these things off!"

"So torch it!"

"Jack, go find me two sticks to rub together!"

Jack nodded and ran off.

"Randall, stay calm!"

"If this thing sucks any more blood, I'm going to be downright mellow."

"Is there anything I can do?" asked Bug.

"Do you speak leech?" Yvonne inquired.

"Sorry, no. I'm an arthropod, he's a worm. Completely different dialect."

"I feel another ear-piercing shriek coming on," Randall warned them.

"I'm back with the sticks!" said Jack. "You want to borrow my magic lighter to ignite them?"

"Gimme that thing!" said Yvonne, s.n.a.t.c.hing the lighter out of his hand. She flicked on the tiny flame, and held it up to the leech's tail. They stood there for a few moments, waiting.

"It's definitely getting a little crispy," Jack pointed out.

"This could take a while," Yvonne admitted. "We'll just have to work in shifts."

"Not to malign cooperation," said Randall, "but I should mention that I'm going to be dead any minute now."

"They better be quick shifts then," said Jack.

Yvonne tossed the lighter away and began beating on the leech, punching bag style.

"Nice form," said Jack, impressed.

"This isn't working either," Yvonne said. "We're just all going to have to grab hold of it and pull as hard as we can."

Jack and Yvonne both grabbed the leech's tail. Bug told them that it loved them for moral support. "On the count of three," said Yvonne. "One ... two ... THREE!"

They both yanked. Their hands instantly slipped off the slimy leech-skin, and their momentum carried them back a few steps. The ground collapsed underneath Jack, dropping him into a new pit.

"Dung beetles!" Jack screeched. "Dung beetles everywhere!" Bug quickly flew down there to help him.

Yvonne grabbed hold of the leech again, digging her fingers into its skin. She raised her feet, bracing them against each of Randall's b.u.t.tocks, then pulled with all her might.

"And dung!" Jack added. "Dung everywhere!"

"I think it's coming loose," said Yvonne through clenched teeth.

"That's my spine," whimpered Randall.

Then, with a loud pop pop, the leech popped free. Yvonne fell on her back, as the leech squirmed to get at her feet. Despite his dizziness, Randall gave the leech a tremendous kick, sending it flying through the air and into the pit with Jack.

"Eeeeeeek!" screamed Jack.

Bug flew out of the pit. "It's swallowing his head!"

Yvonne rushed forward and reached down into the pit. The leech either hadn't gotten a sufficient grip or wasn't thrilled with the taste of Jack's head, and came free with a minor effort. Yvonne dropped the leech, then pulled Jack out of the pit, covered with the beetles.

"Get them off me!" he screamed, running toward the pond.

"Jack, no!"

Ignoring the warning, Jack splashed into the pond and began thrashing about. Three seconds and one crocodile sighting later, he came running out of the water, thankfully leech-free.

The four of them dropped to the ground, exhausted. For several minutes they just sat there, trying to catch their breath. Finally, Randall spoke.

"Now, back to the strawberry."

Chapter 19.

No t.i.tle Necessary "REALLY, YOU don't have to do that," said Yvonne. "I had a whole bunch of strawberries this morning and they gave me salmonella. Let's just find some place to rest."

"Oh, no," said Randall, his voice slurred. "I said I was going to get you that strawberry, and by gosh I'm going to get it." He pa.s.sed out for a moment, then woke up again. "No matter what."

"Listen, Randall, that leech really did a number on you. I think we should get out of this place and find you some help."

"I feel perfectly fine," said Randall. Then he pa.s.sed out for a couple days.

"WHERE AM I?" he asked, opening his eyes.

"You're in the same meadow," Yvonne replied. "Jack wouldn't help me carry you."

"I have fragile arms," Jack insisted.

"We've just been hanging out here," said Yvonne. "Waiting for you to recover, surviving on leech meat, playing Twenty Questions, which is a really idiotic game. Way too easy."