How to Create a Magical Relationship Part 6

"What about 'with Dan'?" Shya gently teased, using the same infl ection as Linda, which defl ated the seriousness and brought a grin back to her face.

I guess now would be a good time to describe Linda's grin-it is wide and infectious. If all of us had faces that registered our thoughts and feelings as well as hers does, the world would be a much easier place to live in because there would be so few secrets.

"You know," Linda continued, "it just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, Dan loves me. He really loves me, and this goes against every story I have ever told myself about who I am. Sometimes I fi nd myself just wanting to get away from the intensity. I will fi nd myself being sharp with him, and although I see my meanness as I am doing it, I can't seem to help myself."

As Linda continued on about how her insensitivity got in the way of intimacy, Dan continued to gaze at her with warmth and humor, and it looked to me as if he was proud to be in her company.

"Now wait a minute, Linda."

She stopped mid-sentence and looked at me, blinking.

"Yes?"

"Have you ever heard us tell you to give yourself a break?"

"Yes, I have, but I am afraid that if I am not careful, I am going to blow it in this relationship."

"Have you asked Dan how it has been hanging out with you?" Shya asked.

"No." A little nervously Linda turned her gaze to meet Dan's, and there could be no denying the love between them.

Her shoulders began to relax.

Dan tilted his head and spoke in a clear voice, "Don't worry, Linda. I'm not going anyplace. If I do, it's only because I'm following you."

T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 87.Most of the folks in the room began to melt into themselves along with Linda and Dan, but I noticed another couple on the left who got tense and rigid.

Hmm, I thought. Something's brewing over there Something's brewing over there.

This is one of the beauties of groups. While working with one person-or in this case, a couple-others can reap the benefi ts. In the privacy of their own experience, this couple would have the opportunity to dissolve their own confl ict, should they so choose. It would be interesting to see how the conversation with Linda and Dan played out in this other couple.

As Linda and Dan held hands, Shya and I did our best to short-circuit some of the potential trauma in their relationship-building process.

"Linda," Shya began, "I have a few questions for you. Is this the best relationship you have had so far?"

This was an easy question. The answer fl ashed across her face with her smile. "Yes, absolutely!"

"Good. How about on the communication level? How is it doing there?"

"Well, you know, I fi nd it is easier to speak with Dan than any person I have ever known."

The couple on the left looked even more tense. Ahh, there's Ahh, there's something they haven't been communicating something they haven't been communicating.

"You're lucky," Shya continued. "At least you are becoming aware of your mechanical behaviors early in the relationship.

Most people don't realize what they're doing until they have built up hard feelings with their partner that they have to work through."

By now I knew that Shya had also noticed the couple on the left and was speaking to them along with Linda and Dan. It seemed to be working, too, because he was obviously striking a chord with them. I love groups for just that reason. Sometimes it is so much easier for a person to sort out a problem when he or she is not on the spot. Linda's willingness to reveal herself was, unbeknownst to her, having a strong effect on others.

88.

"At one point, you took yourself away, Linda," Shya continued, "and didn't even know you were doing it. You thought that this was just part of your personality or the way you were.

Now you are catching yourself becoming contracted as it is happening. If you don't beat on yourself when you see yourself retreating, then you open. Then the next time you get snappish, you might catch it before you say something hurtful or before you take yourself away."

"Linda, Dan is not your victim," I said. "I'll bet, if you talk about it, you'll discover that he is pulling back about the same time as you are. He might even be doing something geared to drive you away, so he too can have some relief from the intensity of relating."

"That's true," Dan admitted. "Actually, I haven't really noticed you taking yourself away, but in my last relationship, I did many things that bugged my partner."

Linda's face lit up as a thought occurred to her. "Yeah, actually there is something you do that makes me a little edgy.

I hate it when you mother me. I mean, sometimes I feel like you want to take care of me, and I don't feel like being taken care of."

By the end of the last sentence, she was looking intense, her features now stormy, and Dan started to look worried, like he might be in trouble.

"Okay, so you both have a part to play in the dynamics of your relationship," Shya interjected, which broke the spell and lightened the mood again.

"One of the most challenging things to realize in a relationship is that it is not a fi fty-fi fty deal. The health of the relationship is 100 percent Linda's responsibility from her point of view and 100 percent Dan's responsibility from his point of view."

"You know, I hate that!" Linda said with another of her disarming grins. "If I am having problems with Dan, I certainly want to have it be his fault-if not totally, at least mostly. I have heard you say this in other workshops, and I know it is true when I apply it to my life, but I can't stand being wrong."

T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 89."I have some good news and some bad news for you, Linda,"

I replied. "It takes two to fi ght and only one to stop the fi ght."

The couple on the left were so uncomfortable by now that, unbeknownst to them, they were practically jumping around in their seats. It reminded me a little of the Mexican jumping beans I kept in my desk drawer when I was eight or nine. When I held the small plastic box that contained them, the heat from my hand would make the worms inside active, and they would begin to jump. I guess the idea of 100 percent responsibility could make your temperature go up a notch when you have been collecting some really good evidence that your partner is the bad one in your relationship.

I decided I would fl esh out the concept of responsibility and maybe this would make things easier for them.

"It would be so easy, for example, for Linda to blame Dan or vice versa when things go awry, but that won't do either of them any good. Linda has always had the propensity to take herself away or get snappish. Dan has pushed to make others snap. She could get him to fi x his behavior, but sooner or later she'll be grouchy with someone else if she doesn't dissolve in herself the part that wants to lash out or take itself away. If she dissolves the urge to fi ght, then even if Dan pushes, she won't have to react.

Instead, when something doesn't sit right with her, she will be self-empowered to communicate appropriately."

The couple on the left didn't like this news. They were obviously thinking something like, Easy for you to say, but I ain't Easy for you to say, but I ain't buying it buying it. It's funny how sometimes people are fi ghting and they actually think they want to resolve the battle, but, when faced with a solution, they will both argue to keep the fi ght going.

"Of course, Linda," Shya said, "what will make any problem between you and Dan nearly impossible to resolve is your agenda, your 6 percent. If you are determined to convince yourself and others that Dan is the culprit and that you have no part to play in the equation, if you are more interested in being right, the fi ght will never end. Not only that, fi ghting as a way of relating may now be a part of your lifestyle, which 90 90 you are afraid to lose. This lifestyle includes complaining that you don't want it to be this way. But then again, if it ended, you would have to think up whole new topics to discuss with your girlfriends." you are afraid to lose. This lifestyle includes complaining that you don't want it to be this way. But then again, if it ended, you would have to think up whole new topics to discuss with your girlfriends."

"Yeah, that's true. I do have a tendency to gossip sometimes, especially when I am upset," Linda said. "I can see what you are saying about my tendency to be righteous and fi ght.

But if it means that this behavior will turn my relationship sour, I don't want to be right. I would rather be with Dan!"

As we continued on to the next question, I knew the fi ght was over between Linda and Dan, at least for the moment, and I hoped that now they had more tools to combat the war should it crop up again. The couple on the left was sure we were over-simplifying things, but sometimes people have been known to see the validity of one of our foreign concepts later on. I rather doubted it with these two, but you never know.

There is one thing I am certain of, though. If a person wants to stop fi ghting, anything can be used as an excuse to fi nish the battle. But if that same person wants to be right, if he or she is protecting his or her 6 percent, nothing-no matter how inspired-will be enough to have the confl ict resolve. It was clear that this couple had so much invested in being right, that to give up making the other out to be the bad guy seemed like an unthinkable sacrifi ce. They were each listening to an old familiar tape loop. It was the one that ran the list of the other's transgressions, and the soundtrack went something like this: No, you don't understand, it really is his fault. You don't know him like I No, you don't understand, it really is his fault. You don't know him like I do. There was the time he . . . do. There was the time he . . .

I know how challenging it can be to let go of the story that someone else is the source of your misery. But I also know from experience that it is worth it.

W H Y D O I WO R RY A B O U T S I L LY, S I L LY T H I NG S ? S I L LY T H I NG S ?.

Over the years, we have noticed that how an individual thinks is normal to that person. So if a person is depressed or worT h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 91.ried, that is the way it is. But we have also realized that when a person lives in the moment and stops worrying, that becomes normal too.

Our friend Amy came across an old diary of hers and was surprised to read about how her life used to be. Since she has discovered how to be present, regardless of the circ.u.mstances, she had forgotten that things were once so painful.

When we fi rst met Amy (and eventually her husband, Andy), it was at the prompting of our CPA friend, Roger. He called us and said, "I just did something that I'm not sure you're going to thank me for. I invited a woman to one of your evening groups because I thought she could really use it. She and her husband came to me for their taxes, and I have never met two people who fi ght so much. They sat in my offi ce and argued for the entire hour!"

Little did any of us know that Amy and Andy would use our approach to discover their brilliance. Nor could we have predicted that they would eventually become two of our closest friends.

Amy loaned us that diary so we could see her progression from pain to well-being. While there were glimpses of the person Amy has become, her magnifi cence was covered by a blanket of despair and worry. She has graciously written the following in which she shares excerpts of her journal. It demonstrates how transformation is both instantaneous and progressive. It is obvious that this intelligent woman couldn't "understand" what was happening, but she still had the courage to keep going. She gives us all a message of hope and encouragement.

Amy's Story My accountant said, "Cancel it! Just cancel it and come meet these two people." I was on the phone with my new CPA, complaining about my life and telling him I had made an appointment for that evening with a new therapist. I was feeling very depressed, a sense of desperation, worrying most of the time, 92 92 and basically, I could not go on living my life the way I was feeling. and basically, I could not go on living my life the way I was feeling.

So, in February of 1991, I listened to him, canceled my appointment, and went to meet the two people he suggested- Ariel and Shya Kane. Good move! Now I don't worry much at all. I'm not depressed, I feel satisfi ed with everything, and life is just excellent.

Recently, while looking through some boxes, I found my old diary from those days. I had kept many journals, and this one was "Number 24." As I leafed through the pages, I was shocked at how different my life is today from how it was when I wrote all of those diaries. It was fun and illuminating to remember how I had looked at my world and to see how my life transformed as I embraced the moment and risked going into the unknown. The difference between the entries that I made before I met Ariel and Shya and after I met them amazes me.

When I opened my diary, I noticed a page that said in great big letters: "Why Do I Worry About Silly, Silly Things?!"

It was the fall of 1990, I was twenty-six, and I had all the things I wanted. I had a great job making excellent money on Wall Street, a wonderful husband whom I had recently married, and I was in the process of getting my master's degree in computer science. I also owned a townhouse, worked out so I was physically fi t, and sang and played keyboards in a band.

Everything was in place-except me. I felt lonely, sad, old, and worried. I thought all of the things that I had and all of the things I had achieved were supposed to make me satisfi ed. But the more I achieved and the more I had, the more feeling good eluded me. Here are excerpts of what I wrote: September 28, 1990: Okay, here I am. I'm at a great job. Finally! September 28, 1990: Okay, here I am. I'm at a great job. Finally!

I love it here at this company. I know, I know-well it's about time! time!

And, just a few days later: T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 93.October 1, 1990: Sometimes I get incredibly lonely. Is lonely lonely the the right word? I feel alone in this world. But I am not really alone; I right word? I feel alone in this world. But I am not really alone; I have friends, I have family. have friends, I have family.

The New Year of 1991 came around, and I started writing New Year's resolutions, trying to change what I felt was wrong.

I was depressed, and I kept trying to fi gure out why. At fi rst I blamed it on the weather. Then it was the new war we were in with Saddam Hussein. The winter, the war-I was trying to pin it on something.

That's when my accountant told me to cancel my appointment with the new therapist. In early February, I went to an evening seminar about "being in the moment," given by Ariel and Shya, and I really liked it. I didn't understand it, but there was something there.

February 28, 1991: I have trouble "being in the moment." I don't want to be in the moment and lose me. I'm scared of what me want to be in the moment and lose me. I'm scared of what me really is. And then, even if I fi nd me and go through a lot of pain really is. And then, even if I fi nd me and go through a lot of pain to fi nd me, what's the point? What's the point to life, and does to fi nd me, what's the point? What's the point to life, and does fi nding me have to be painful? fi nding me have to be painful?

I was afraid to really look at myself, because I a.s.sumed that it would be painful. I didn't yet realize that the more I saw about myself, the easier life would become.

Then my birthday came. I was turning twenty-seven, and I felt depressed and old, so I wrote a list of all the things that were bothering me: March 5, 1991: My birthday- 1. I don't know how to let go, and I mean really let go, not just say I am letting go. say I am letting go.

2. I worry too much.

3. I feel guilty too much.

94.4. I always expect a lot out of friends, and then I blame them 4. I always expect a lot out of friends, and then I blame them and/or myself when they don't meet my expectations. and/or myself when they don't meet my expectations.

5. I get scared, and I have made some wrong choices.

6. I'm scared to be alone so I make a lot of friends. Their friendship is important to me because I don't want to be friendship is important to me because I don't want to be alone. alone.

7. I take everything too personally.

8. I'm scared to die. Everything is temporary, and this fact hurts me. It hurts me a lot. me. It hurts me a lot.

9. I'm twenty-seven, almost thirty-and I feel almost empty, scared, torn, and hateful. scared, torn, and hateful.

At this point, I had attended only one evening seminar with the Kanes, but I wanted more personal attention, so I decided to have a private session with them on March 20th. I wrote the following entry the day after: March 21, 1991: First day of spring, yes! Last night I went to see Shya and Ariel. I was tense. I was nervous. It was wonderful and Shya and Ariel. I was tense. I was nervous. It was wonderful and emotional. I cried and I laughed. I don't understand exactly what emotional. I cried and I laughed. I don't understand exactly what happened, but do I have to? happened, but do I have to?

A few short weeks later, I was . . . different different: May 2, 1991: WOW, WOW, WOW. That's how I feel-WOW! May 2, 1991: WOW, WOW, WOW. That's how I feel-WOW!

I don't know, it's so strange-really strange. Things are changing in me, rotating, moving. I'm beginning to feel like I want to live in me, rotating, moving. I'm beginning to feel like I want to live again-I'm beginning to feel I want to be alive-alive! Over the again-I'm beginning to feel I want to be alive-alive! Over the past two months something has changed in me-I don't know past two months something has changed in me-I don't know what. I've gone to three of their New York City evening seminars, what. I've gone to three of their New York City evening seminars, one weekend workshop, and two private sessions, and it's been one weekend workshop, and two private sessions, and it's been amazing-scary. But now I don't feel scared. Yesterday I did. I'm amazing-scary. But now I don't feel scared. Yesterday I did. I'm different today-every day, every moment. different today-every day, every moment.

May 23, 1991: I feel my world has rotated a little, and I'm looking out another window-there is so much to see.

T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 95.This was an exciting time. I have to admit that I didn't understand how it was that my life was improving. Eventually, I stopped trying to fi gure out why. I just let myself enjoy the process and be grateful for the results. Then over Memorial Day weekend, my husband and I decided to do our fi rst workshop together with the Kanes.

June 20, 1991: So much has happened! Workshop with Shya & Ariel in Phoenicia EXCELLENT!! Ariel in Phoenicia EXCELLENT!!

After this workshop, both my husband and I felt more in love and more in sync than ever. We started to do more workshops and go to the evening seminars together. We were learning about each other and ourselves, and life was getting easier.

Here's an entry I made after my husband and I had done a Freedom to Breathe course with the Kanes: August 5, 1991: A few days after the breath group, I had a lot of thoughts in my head. Then work got really busy and the lot of thoughts in my head. Then work got really busy and the thoughts drifted away. I'm learning to live in the present. A few thoughts drifted away. I'm learning to live in the present. A few years ago, if someone had told me it is benefi cial to live in the years ago, if someone had told me it is benefi cial to live in the present, I would have laughed at them or even scowled at them. present, I would have laughed at them or even scowled at them.

It was against everything I believed in. I worry less-I hear my mind-I'm learning it's not me-they are just thoughts. I hear mind-I'm learning it's not me-they are just thoughts. I hear crickets and the waves a little-the air conditioning blowing crickets and the waves a little-the air conditioning blowing through the vent. This is life. through the vent. This is life.

And the last entry of my diary went like this: August 29, 1991: I've been watching the eagles soar in my heart. August 29, 1991: I've been watching the eagles soar in my heart.

I've been feeling the waves of pa.s.sion. Do you feel what I feel?

Do you see the love in my heart?

Since that time, my life has continually gotten richer and more wonderful. My husband, Andy, and I are closer than ever, 96 96 and we've been married for more than a decade. We now have two beautiful sons and our own Web/Internet company. We work together side by side, day in and day out, and we love it. Andy and I continue to work with the Kanes by doing their courses and having them as personal coaches and consultants to our business. We discover more about each other and ourselves, and life is very exciting. and we've been married for more than a decade. We now have two beautiful sons and our own Web/Internet company. We work together side by side, day in and day out, and we love it. Andy and I continue to work with the Kanes by doing their courses and having them as personal coaches and consultants to our business. We discover more about each other and ourselves, and life is very exciting.

I haven't written in a diary since. I don't feel the urge to.

Why do I worry about silly, silly things? I don't anymore.

Amy's diary entries are a perfect representation of the paradox surrounding Instantaneous Transformation. Each shift was instantaneous and yet the effects were c.u.mulative. She also delightfully captures the essence of how the phenomenon of transformation is not logical, reasonable, or understandable.

We also love how Amy used our approach to settle herself deeply into a profound sense of well-being and how she is now able to access her heart.

9.The Gender War

People talk about the gender war, but they don't see the subtle and not-so-subtle ramifi cations of unaware behaviors that have been handed down to us through the eons of time, and how these ramifi cations can impact relationships. There used to be a strong and clear division of labor between men and women. The men worked together and the women worked together, which then created two separate subcultures within the culture as a whole.

This societal division was not equitable. It was fostered in a time when humanity was openly savage and brutal, where "might meant right" and where the larger of the species dominated those under their rule. In most cultures, men, who were physically stronger and more powerful, ran the show. There was cooperation only regarding survival and the needs of survival. The men hung out with the men, and the women hung out with the women.