How to Create a Magical Relationship Part 11

"No."

"Well then, don't worry about it. Did you try to get rid of the anger as we were talking?"

"No." This time the reply sounded a little more mystifi ed, as Mitch realized he didn't know how he had gotten to the point where he wasn't throwing himself into an activity and yet still felt calm and centered.

"I wasn't trying to get rid of your anger either. We just looked at it, Mitch. And anything you just look at rather than resist loses its hold over you. All I did was trick you into the moment."

"You have been keeping your anger in place by judging and resisting it. Do you hold anger as a positive thing?" I asked.

"No!" he said with a grin.

"Well, when you judge something as negative, you won't want to see it, and then it sticks around."

"There is one thing you will have to do in order to not have the anger come back to plague you," Shya continued.

T h e A r t o f L i s t e n i n g 149.

I could tell that Mitch was very interested in what Shya would say next. He wanted some tips, some techniques to take away with him so that if the future showed up like the past, he would be better prepared. He didn't know that Shya wasn't planning to give him a technique.

He also didn't know that if you gather tips for the future so you can better handle a recurring problem, you are destined to repeat that problem. I mean, once you get a new set of tools to repair something you think is broken, something inside seems to itch for it to break again just so you can see if they work.

"In order for you to have the anger stop plaguing you, you will have to give up being right-right that she shouldn't have left you, right that you are a victim in this situation. All of that stuff. All you really know for sure is that she is gone and you are getting a divorce.

"Here's an a.n.a.logy, Mitch. Imagine there are two apart-ments in life, but you can live in only one of them. And in order to live in either one of them, you have to pay rent. The fi rst apartment is the 'Alive' one. In this home you feel alive, have a sense of well-being, are healthy within yourself, and have full self-expression. But in order to live here, you have to give up being right. The second apartment is the 'Right' one. Here you get to be right about your point of view of life and all situations you face. If someone cuts you off in traffi c and you feel ticked off about it, you get to be right that the person was a jerk to do that and you are right to be angry. But in the Right apartment, the rent is giving up feeling in relationship with your environment, being productive and self-expressive. The payment is your aliveness and sense of well-being."

A fellow in the third row spoke up, "You know, it's funny. I was thinking about that very thing today. As I was walking to my car, I thought the cars turning the corner should slow down and let me pa.s.s. I mean, what was their hurry? They were only going to turn and get caught by the red light anyway. Once I got in my car and started off to my destination, I wished the pedestrians would hurry up and get out of my way. It seemed 150 150 so stupid of them not to give me room so I wouldn't have to come to a stop before turning the corner. To my mind, I'm always in the right and I should have the right of way." so stupid of them not to give me room so I wouldn't have to come to a stop before turning the corner. To my mind, I'm always in the right and I should have the right of way."

"That's not surprising," said Shya. "The mind acts like a computer. You can transform, but your mind doesn't. It still says garbage. It still tells you that you should be angry at the other guy. Speaking of angry, how are you now, Mitch?"

"Still at zero, Shya. Still at zero."

"Are you trying to stay 'at zero,' as you put it?"

"Nope. I don't understand it. I'm just here."

Ahh, he's getting the hang of it, I thought, as I leaned into Shya and he into me.

"Okay, who else has a question?"

PU S H I NG C A N C AU S E A BAC K L A S H.

Oftentimes in a relationship, one or the other of the partners sees something he or she would like to fi x in the other. Sometimes it is an annoying habit, but frequently the diffi culty arises when your partner is in pain and you can't seem to help him or her. Pushing your partner, even for his or her "own good" can cause a backlash of resistance. Of course, resistance energizes the First Principle again: what you resist persists and grows stronger.

Following is a story, told from Shya's point of view, that ill.u.s.trates how, if you try to encourage or push people to do something that you want for them more than they want for themselves, there can be a backlash that you will not like.

Jewels Several years ago, Ariel and I lived in Woodstock, New York.

One of our favorite pastimes was to visit a store that had a very eclectic bent, as did its owner. His name was Alan, and the store's name was Just Alan's. Alan was a sweet, bearded man who had a pa.s.sion for high-quality items. We bought our wedding and engagement rings from him because one of the product lines he carried was fi ne jewelry.

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We would haunt his store on Sat.u.r.day mornings because Alan made a wicked double espresso, which went well with his fi ne Belgian dark chocolates. We would visit on rainy days for the homemade soup du jour and just about any time to look at his antique cars, fantastic bird feeders, Oriental porcelain cups and plates, handwoven shawls, kites, high-quality cigars from the Canary Islands, and so on.

One of the other curiosities that Alan offered was exotic, hand-raised tropical birds. In the midst of the plethora of fun things to look at, touch, and buy stood an enormous, hand-made, wrought-iron birdcage. This palatial cage was inhabited by Jewels, a large sulfur crested c.o.c.katoo, a white bird in the parrot family. Jewels and I had a special relationship. Whenever I went into the store, he would stick his head out of the cage, calling to me and raising his crest. As I approached, the ritual was that Jewels would arch his neck, head pointed toward the fl oor, requesting me to work my fi ngers between the feathers and give his neck a ma.s.saging scratch. Like a dog, when my interest faded for scratching his neck, he would gently nibble my fi ngers with his beak and b.u.mp my hand with his crest, stretching even farther between the bars of his cage, encouraging me to continue. Jewels and I were friendly in this manner for several years.

Sometimes when we visited, Jewels would be out of his cage, sitting on the counter or riding around on Alan's shoulder. On those occasions, Jewels greeted me and hopped over to my shoulder or hand and extended his neck to be scratched.

One afternoon, Ariel and I visited the shop, and Jewels began his customary straining against the bars of his cage, requesting attention.

I said, "Would it be okay if I took Jewels out of his cage?"

"Sure," Alan replied. "Go ahead."

I scratched Jewels's neck in greeting and then released the latch and pulled open the door. When I reached in and offered him my hand as a perch, he did not immediately climb aboard, 152 152 so I nudged his feet with my fi ngers in hopes of encouraging him to come out and play. so I nudged his feet with my fi ngers in hopes of encouraging him to come out and play.

In a fl ash, Jewels attacked the skin between my thumb and forefi nger with his beak. Shocked and already bleeding at the puncture, I yelped and yanked my hand out of the cage. Jewels was still attached. I shook my hand until he fell free and fl uttered to the fl oor. He then proceeded to attack my shoes. I retreated, and Jewels began chasing me around the store.

Alan called out, "Don't let him catch you. His beak is capable of crushing nuts and can easily pierce your shoe and break your toe."

My relationship with Jewels changed forever in that moment. I suddenly realized that for all of his straining against the bars of his cage, he was actually at home and felt safe there.

It was his comfort zone, and I had no right to reach in and try to take him out.

This interaction taught us a valuable lesson that has supported us in working with people. We have discovered that if people truly want to free themselves from the confi ning nature of self-defeating habits, negative personal history, and the story of their lives, we can a.s.sist them in doing that. If, however, people say they want to be free of the limitations that have followed them through life but are actually comfortable in their cages and are unwilling to give that up, then reaching in to take them out becomes a violent act. And they will fi ght to defend their right to stay in their cages, immersed in the reasons for their inability to be happy and healthy and live in a state of well-being.

We don't mean to give the impression that you shouldn't be willing to give your partner a helping hand. What we are suggesting is that sometimes people say they want help but really don't. We have learned to respect a person's right to stay in his or her cage. It has been our experience that if we exercise patience and keep pointing to the door, then anyone who truly wants to be free will fi nd his or her own way out.

13.When to Get Out

To create what is possible in a relationship, it is important to recognize that not all relationships can be magical and not all relationships should continue. A magical relationship is only magical when it happens effortlessly and naturally. It doesn't work if one partner or the other is clear that he or she no longer wishes to remain in the relationship. If this is the case, then you cannot make the relationship happen.

There are many possible relationships out there for each person, but if you stay in one that is dead or in a constant state of battle, mistrust, or upset, you will never be able to fi nd one that works. If you are feeling sorry for yourself in order to punish your partner or as a way of getting his or her attention and that has become your lifestyle, it may be time to dissolve this relationship and discover one that works for you. If you have stopped having fun and life has become an ongoing process of having to manipulate yourself or your partner to keep him or her interested or engaged, it is very likely time to move on.

In many relationships, one partner recognizes that he or she wants out before the other person comes to the same conclusion. And while one individual is usually the mouthpiece for the relationship, both people have contributed to bringing things to this point. In fact, it has been our experience that both people want out, but it is not usually until later that the person who has been "left" can recognize his or her part in producing the dissolution of the relationship.

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L E A R N I NG T O T RU S T YO U R S E L F L E A R N I NG T O T RU S T YO U R S E L F Our workshops tend to attract people who are interested in creating relationship "magic" in their own lives. The following exchange with a woman named C.J., about relationships in general and her relationship with her absentee, adulterous husband specifi cally, took place at one of our seminars. This conversation revealed so many of the common themes involved in creating and maintaining magical relationships that we have chosen to reprint the conversation in actual transcript format so as not to lose any of the nuances of C.J.'s challenge nor of our interactions with her. This woman's situation was a cla.s.sic example of not trusting when to get out.

C.J.'s Story C.J.: I've always felt like my relationship was going to make me happy, and if I could fi nd a relationship that made me happy, then my whole world, my whole life would work out. I've always felt like my relationship was going to make me happy, and if I could fi nd a relationship that made me happy, then my whole world, my whole life would work out.

ARIEL: Your relationship will work out, out of you being fulfi lled and happy. If you get two unfulfi lled people together, they think that once they mesh up it's going to make a whole. Your relationship will work out, out of you being fulfi lled and happy. If you get two unfulfi lled people together, they think that once they mesh up it's going to make a whole.

It just makes two incomplete people relating to each other.

SHYA: When you fi rst get together with somebody, chemicals are released in your bodies that mask everything but your s.e.xual energy. It's so strong that you don't see all the things that you will fi nd wrong with this person. It's like an aphrodisiac, a love potion that's generated in your body. Then it starts to wear off, the fun and excitement disappear, and there you are with this other person. You're left with you and him. He can never fulfi ll you. When you fi rst get together with somebody, chemicals are released in your bodies that mask everything but your s.e.xual energy. It's so strong that you don't see all the things that you will fi nd wrong with this person. It's like an aphrodisiac, a love potion that's generated in your body. Then it starts to wear off, the fun and excitement disappear, and there you are with this other person. You're left with you and him. He can never fulfi ll you.

You see, you're either happy or you're not. A relationship doesn't make you happy, but when it's fresh and new, you've got all these endorphins that are released and you feel better. So you think it is the relationship that did it. You released those W h e n t o G e t O u t W h e n t o G e t O u t 155.

feelings, but you attach it to the relationship. The "high" goes after a while, and there you are, stuck with you again.

ARIEL: The point where it felt right for Shya and me to get married was the day I had a direct experience-not conceptu-ally, but a direct experience-that I was fi ne without him. I gave up wishing that he would marry me to fulfi ll some childhood idea of what I needed to be complete. That evening, Shya started to ask me one question and what came out of his mouth was something else: "Will you marry me?" The point where it felt right for Shya and me to get married was the day I had a direct experience-not conceptu-ally, but a direct experience-that I was fi ne without him. I gave up wishing that he would marry me to fulfi ll some childhood idea of what I needed to be complete. That evening, Shya started to ask me one question and what came out of his mouth was something else: "Will you marry me?"

This was a surprise to both of us. But it happened out of my already being "complete." I hate to use the word complete complete because I hear a lot of women saying, "I'm very happy to be alone. I'm complete in my aloneness," and we're not using because I hear a lot of women saying, "I'm very happy to be alone. I'm complete in my aloneness," and we're not using complete complete in the same way. They use the word usually because they have given up on ever having anybody. Or it is a manipulation to get a relationship, such as when someone says to herself, in the same way. They use the word usually because they have given up on ever having anybody. Or it is a manipulation to get a relationship, such as when someone says to herself, If I try this If I try this att.i.tude, then maybe I'll attract someone att.i.tude, then maybe I'll attract someone.

C.J.: There's an honesty between you two that is very startling to me, because I know that in my relationship, I really get lost. I can't be myself. I feel like if I really show myself, the person isn't going to like me, or there's going to be a judgment and he'll just leave. It's something that I just feel like I can't get over. How do you manage to be so honest? There's an honesty between you two that is very startling to me, because I know that in my relationship, I really get lost. I can't be myself. I feel like if I really show myself, the person isn't going to like me, or there's going to be a judgment and he'll just leave. It's something that I just feel like I can't get over. How do you manage to be so honest?

ARIEL: For me, it's taken practice and coming to trust myself. For me, it's taken practice and coming to trust myself.

I used to not say a lot of what was going on with me, but that didn't have anything to do with Shya. I held back a lot everywhere. I wasn't even able to recognize what was true for me. I think the fi rst step is to recognize what's true for you.

SHYA: It's like that scarf we found for you when we went shopping yesterday, C.J. You know, you've been holding on to a dirty old scarf, because it's a scarf and you need one. So what It's like that scarf we found for you when we went shopping yesterday, C.J. You know, you've been holding on to a dirty old scarf, because it's a scarf and you need one. So what 156 156 if it isn't the right scarf for you and isn't a really good match for your complexion, hair color, and the rest of the clothes you wear? But it's a scarf. You see? That's the way your relationship has been. Yesterday we went to a place with lots of different scarves, and you tried one on that didn't look that great, tried another one on that looked a little better but still wasn't quite right, and another one and another. Then we found the one that went, "Yes!" if it isn't the right scarf for you and isn't a really good match for your complexion, hair color, and the rest of the clothes you wear? But it's a scarf. You see? That's the way your relationship has been. Yesterday we went to a place with lots of different scarves, and you tried one on that didn't look that great, tried another one on that looked a little better but still wasn't quite right, and another one and another. Then we found the one that went, "Yes!"

See, you've taken the fi rst man who came along who liked you a bit and said, "Well, he's got to be the one." But it's not a perfect match, and it doesn't even feel good; it doesn't feel wonderful. Every time you think of him, you think of your problems.

C.J.: That's true. That's true.

SHYA: So you haven't given yourself the opportunity to meet the right man. You know, Ariel and I had several partners before we met each other. Then when she showed up, it was "Yes!" We had a date together, and I knew she was it. I don't know how I knew, but every cell in my body said, "Yes." Something in me knew. Just like your scarf. Even before you put it on, as soon as you touched it, you knew. You haven't given yourself the kind of freedom in fi nding a relationship that you gave yourself to discover the right scarf. So you haven't given yourself the opportunity to meet the right man. You know, Ariel and I had several partners before we met each other. Then when she showed up, it was "Yes!" We had a date together, and I knew she was it. I don't know how I knew, but every cell in my body said, "Yes." Something in me knew. Just like your scarf. Even before you put it on, as soon as you touched it, you knew. You haven't given yourself the kind of freedom in fi nding a relationship that you gave yourself to discover the right scarf.

ARIEL: Part of it is, if you try on one man and then another man and another man and it's still not a match, you start thinking there's something wrong with you. Like with the scarf-it wasn't the right one, then you tried another and it wasn't the right one, then you tried another and it wasn't right, and another. And then you started to get despondent, thinking you'd never fi nd one that would work for you. Part of it is, if you try on one man and then another man and another man and it's still not a match, you start thinking there's something wrong with you. Like with the scarf-it wasn't the right one, then you tried another and it wasn't the right one, then you tried another and it wasn't right, and another. And then you started to get despondent, thinking you'd never fi nd one that would work for you.

SHYA: You make it mean something about you rather than that Mr. Right hasn't shown up yet, and you keep on holding on to a You make it mean something about you rather than that Mr. Right hasn't shown up yet, and you keep on holding on to a W h e n t o G e t O u t W h e n t o G e t O u t 157.

dead relationship that's been dead for years. I wouldn't say that to somebody who had an alive relationship.

C.J.: It's like I don't really trust myself. It's like I don't really trust myself.

SHYA: Do you trust yourself about the scarf? Do you trust yourself about the scarf?

C.J.: Yes, now I do! Yes, now I do!

ARIEL: Before you found that scarf, you were having an internal conversation of Before you found that scarf, you were having an internal conversation of Can I trust myself? Can I trust myself? It was all a conversation in your mind, because the right one hadn't come along yet. So all the ones that were in front of you didn't look like you, but it looked like they were all the choices we had, and at that point you didn't really trust yourself to be able to see what would be good for you. But when the right one showed up, all that conversation about trust disappeared. It was all a conversation in your mind, because the right one hadn't come along yet. So all the ones that were in front of you didn't look like you, but it looked like they were all the choices we had, and at that point you didn't really trust yourself to be able to see what would be good for you. But when the right one showed up, all that conversation about trust disappeared.

SHYA: As soon as I saw that scarf, I knew it was the right one for you. Everybody knows when it's right. That's why, when you see people in relationships who aren't right for each other, everybody knows that they're not right for each other. As soon as I saw that scarf, I knew it was the right one for you. Everybody knows when it's right. That's why, when you see people in relationships who aren't right for each other, everybody knows that they're not right for each other.

C.J.: Somehow I think that if I work at it, it's going to get better. Somehow I think that if I work at it, it's going to get better.

ARIEL: That reminds me of people who buy a shirt that doesn't look quite right for them and think that if they accessorize it, it will work. So they're constantly manipulating it with this belt and that necklace and thinking, That reminds me of people who buy a shirt that doesn't look quite right for them and think that if they accessorize it, it will work. So they're constantly manipulating it with this belt and that necklace and thinking, I'll try this scarf over it I'll try this scarf over it, or How How about if I wear these earrings or do my hair just so? about if I wear these earrings or do my hair just so? and it still doesn't look right. and it still doesn't look right.

SHYA: It's easy to see with clothes, because they are inanimate objects that you put around yourself, and your whole way of being changes when you change one object for another It's easy to see with clothes, because they are inanimate objects that you put around yourself, and your whole way of being changes when you change one object for another 158 158 object. It's that way with relationships too. If you're hooked up with a guy and it isn't a perfect fi t, it may be okay, but it won't be spectacular. If you trust that the right thing will come along-because it always does-it will. And you don't have to go looking for Mr. Right, he'll show up, and how he'll show up is you'll go out with whoever asks you, and then you'll discover if he's the right guy. object. It's that way with relationships too. If you're hooked up with a guy and it isn't a perfect fi t, it may be okay, but it won't be spectacular. If you trust that the right thing will come along-because it always does-it will. And you don't have to go looking for Mr. Right, he'll show up, and how he'll show up is you'll go out with whoever asks you, and then you'll discover if he's the right guy.

You see you don't go out with people who don't fi t your pictures. If Ariel hadn't gone out with me because I was too old for her (when we started dating, she was twenty-four and I was forty-one); if she'd had the rule "I can't date older men," then she never would've gone out with me. But you have standards of who you are going to fi nd love with rather than seeing what the universe provides for you.

C.J.: I've been thinking lately that if I don't stay with Carl, there's no one else out there. I've been thinking lately that if I don't stay with Carl, there's no one else out there.

SHYA: Carl is like your dirty old scarf that doesn't work right and doesn't fi t and you don't even like. Carl is like your dirty old scarf that doesn't work right and doesn't fi t and you don't even like.

ARIEL: Part of it is that you think that any man who goes out with you is doing you a favor rather than recognizing that you have a lot to offer. It goes back to knowing who you are. Part of it is that you think that any man who goes out with you is doing you a favor rather than recognizing that you have a lot to offer. It goes back to knowing who you are.

SHYA: I don't think you should be together. I'll tell you why. I don't think you should be together. I'll tell you why.

You're not together. As you have told us, he's gone to another country maybe four or fi ve thousand miles away from here, and he really doesn't particularly want to be with you. He's got other girlfriends there, and he's got children by other women there. He has a whole other life there. The only one holding on to your relationship is you.

C.J.: I see it now. It's taken me a long time to see that he's really not so interested. That makes me free. I see it now. It's taken me a long time to see that he's really not so interested. That makes me free.

159.

SHYA: But you see, you've always been free. You're the one who put the shackles on yourself and blamed it on the marriage. You have the freedom at any time to be with anyone you want to be with. I'm not talking about being s.e.xual; I'm just talking about being with people. Getting nurtured from hanging out with folks. You could also give yourself a relationship, but for it to be successful, you have to be yourself fi rst, without beating on yourself for being the way you are. But you see, you've always been free. You're the one who put the shackles on yourself and blamed it on the marriage. You have the freedom at any time to be with anyone you want to be with. I'm not talking about being s.e.xual; I'm just talking about being with people. Getting nurtured from hanging out with folks. You could also give yourself a relationship, but for it to be successful, you have to be yourself fi rst, without beating on yourself for being the way you are.

ARIEL: Do you have some pictures or connotations a.s.sociated with the words Do you have some pictures or connotations a.s.sociated with the words divorced woman divorced woman? That divorcees are failures?

C.J.: Yes, absolutely. I'm afraid that I would be a failure. That's true. Yes, absolutely. I'm afraid that I would be a failure. That's true.

SHYA: If you were to get divorced, you'd be free. Something very wonderful will happen to you when you have completely cut the ties to a relationship that isn't really a relationship. But for some reason you are holding on to it. It's got to do with your own terror of being alone and the fear that you'll never fi nd the right man. If you were to get divorced, you'd be free. Something very wonderful will happen to you when you have completely cut the ties to a relationship that isn't really a relationship. But for some reason you are holding on to it. It's got to do with your own terror of being alone and the fear that you'll never fi nd the right man.

ARIEL: The terror is really not wrapped around men; it's just terror. That same terror, to a lesser degree, came up every time we took a scarf from around your neck and it looked like there would never be that right one. And part of your freedom lies in experiencing what is there to be experienced and that includes the terror. When you allow yourself to experience being terri-fi ed, the terror will dissolve. The terror is really not wrapped around men; it's just terror. That same terror, to a lesser degree, came up every time we took a scarf from around your neck and it looked like there would never be that right one. And part of your freedom lies in experiencing what is there to be experienced and that includes the terror. When you allow yourself to experience being terri-fi ed, the terror will dissolve.

D I S C OV E R I NG W H AT YO U T RU LY WA N T.

Oftentimes people are confused as to whether or not to stay in a relationship. The most common response to this indecision is to step back, take their hands off the wheel and their foot 160 160 off the gas. Usually people want to judge, evaluate, and think about the situation. off the gas. Usually people want to judge, evaluate, and think about the situation.

Stepping back will never answer your question. Oh, you will come up with an answer, but it will be generated from your thought processes and the story of your life.

If you want to know if you are in the "right" relationship or on the "right" track, engage! Not just with your partner, but in all aspects of your life. Having a magical relationship requires an active engagement with what is going on in your life right now.

S U R R E N D E R I NG T O YO U R L I F E I S T H E K E Y.

As we discussed in Chapter 5, you don't lose anything when you surrender. Surrendering allows you to a.s.sume responsibility for your life. It is about operating as though the circ.u.mstances of your life are truly your choice and you are choosing what you have, not thinking about your preferences. It is operating as though you really want to do whatever it is that your life presents you with, rather than victimizing yourself with your life circ.u.mstances.

For most of us, however, there is inertia; it's almost as if certain aspects of our lives are covered in mola.s.ses. There are years of disappointments that make us think it's not worth trying, not worth going for it. What it takes to get through the inertia is to get engaged with totality. If you are going 100 percent, if you are engaged in your life with totality, your truth becomes apparent-but not as an intellectual exercise. Your truth will reveal itself to you more as an "of course."

A lot of the resistance you will experience in going for your life with totality is based on an idea of your own inadequacies put together by an earlier version of yourself-a much earlier version. Again, since the mind is a recording machine of previous conversations regarding the events of our lives, it holds on to old concepts as if they were still fresh and new. When we were very young, our motor skills and coordination were nowhere near what they are as adults, yet a lot of our beliefs 161.

and conversations about what we are capable of and what we can or cannot do come from decisions that were formed long before p.u.b.erty. Ideas that we have of our own desirability, attractiveness, and worth were put in place long before the current version of us came to be.

This being the case, apparently there is nothing you can do except continue to have the same conversations you have had in the past. Ahh, but there is something called Instantaneous Transformation, which happens when you discover how to access and live in the moment. If you get into this current moment and notice old mechanical behaviors as they show up, the noticing of them and of your own thoughts about who you are and what you are capable of will dissolve these behaviors and allow you the freedom to discover and be yourself.

E N T H U S I A S M E Q U A L S L I F E.