How To Behave: A Pocket Manual Of Republican Etiquette, And Guide To Correct Personal Habits Part 12

A gallery of paintings or sculpture is a temple of Art, and he is little better than a barbarian who can enter it without a feeling of reverence for the presiding divinity of the place. Loud talking, laughing, pushing before others who are examining a picture or statue, moving seats noisily, or any rude or discourteous conduct, seems like profanation in such a place. Avoid them by all means, we entreat you; and though you wear your hat everywhere else, reverently remove it here.

VI.--THE PRESENCE.

"The mode in which respect to the presence of a human being should be shown maybe left to custom. In the East, men take off their shoes before entering an apartment. We take off the hat, and add a verbal salutation. The mode is unimportant; it may vary with the humor of the moment; it may change with the changing fashion; but no one who respects himself, and has a proper regard for others, will omit to give _some_ sign that he recognizes an essential difference between a horse and a man, between a stable and a house."[O]

VII.--TRAVELING.

Under no circ.u.mstances is courtesy more urgently demanded, or rudeness more frequently displayed, than in traveling. The infelicities and vexations which so often attend a journey seem to call out all the latent selfishness of one's nature; and the commonest observances of politeness are, we are sorry to say, sometimes neglected. In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, good manners are too frequently elbowed aside and trampled under foot. Even our national deference for women is occasionally lost sight of in our headlong rush for the railway cars or the steamer.

To avoid the scramble we have alluded to, purchase tickets and secure state-rooms in advance, if practicable, especially if you are accompanied by ladies, and, in any event, _be in good time_.

In the cars or stage-coach never allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to disregard for a moment the rights of your fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and no gentleman will refuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful politeness. In a stage-coach you give them the back seat, unless they prefer another and take an outside seat yourself, if their convenience requires it. But a word to--_Americans_ will be enough on this point.

And what do good manners require of the ladies? That which is but a little thing to the bestower, but of priceless value to the receiver--_thanks_--a smile--a grateful look at least. Is this too much?

Mr. Arbiter, whom we find quoted in a newspaper, has some rather severe strictures on the conduct of American ladies. He says:

"We boast of our politeness as a nation, and point out to foreigners, with pride, the alacrity with which Americans make way for women in all public places. Some love to call this chivalry. It is certainly an amiable trait of character, though frequently carried to an absurd extent. But what the men possess in this form of politeness the women appear to have lost. They never think of acknowledging, in any way, the kindness of the gentleman who gives up his seat, but settle themselves triumphantly in their new places, as if they were ent.i.tled to them by divine right."

We are compelled to admit that there is at least an appearance of truth in this charge. We have had constant opportunities to observe the behavior of ladies in omnibuses and on board the crowded ferry-boats which ply between some of our large cities and their suburbs. We have, of course (as what gentleman has not?), relinquished our seats hundreds of times to ladies. _For the occasional bow or smile of acknowledgment, or_ _pleasant "Thank you," which we have received in return, we have almost invariably been indebted to some fair foreigner._

We believe that American ladies are as polite _at heart_ as those of any other nation, but _they do not say it_.

The fair readers of our little book will, we are sure, excuse us for these hints, since they are dictated by the truest and most reverent love for their s.e.x, and a sincere desire to serve them.

If in traveling you are thrown into the company of an invalid, or an aged person, or a woman with children and without a male protector, feelings of humanity, as well as sentiments of politeness, will dictate such kind attentions as, without being obtrusive, you can find occasion to bestow.

You have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoy or endanger the health of another.

There are a sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each pa.s.senger to lessen them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.

If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes to pay for you, never insist on paying for yourself or for both. If he is before you, let the matter pa.s.s without remark, and return the compliment on another occasion.

FOOTNOTES:

[M] "Colonel Lunettes"

[N] For hints on the importance of politeness as an element of success in business, see "How to Do Business."

[O] James Parton.

IX.

LOVE AND COURTSHIP.

Learn to win a lady's faith n.o.bly, as the thing is high; Bravely, as for life and death, With a loyal gravity.

Lead her from the festive boards; Point her to the starry skies; Guard her by your truthful words Pure from courtship's flatteries.--_Mrs. Browning._

I.--A HINT OR TWO.

To treat the subject of love and courtship in all its bearings would require a volume. It is with the etiquette of the tender pa.s.sion that we have to do here. A few preliminary hints, however, will not be deemed out of place.

Boys often fall in love (and girls too, we believe) at a very tender age. Some charming cousin, or a cla.s.smate of his sister, in the village school, weaves silken meshes around the throbbing heart of the young man in his teens. This is well. He is made better and happier by his boyish loves--for he generally has a succession of them, but they are seldom permanent. They are only beautiful foreshadowings of the deeper and more earnest love of manhood, which is to bind him to his _other self_ with ties which only death can sever. Read Ik Marvel's "Dream Life."

Before a young man has reached the proper age to marry--say twenty-five, as an average--he ought to have acquired such a knowledge of himself, physically and mentally considered, and of the principles which ought to decide the choice of matrimonial partners and govern the relations of the s.e.xes, as will enable him to set up a proper standard of female excellence, and to determine what qualities, physical and mental, should characterize the woman who is to be the angel of his home and the mother of his children. With this knowledge he is prepared to go into society and choose his mate, following trustingly the attractions of his soul. Love is an affair of the heart, but the head should be its privy counselor.

Do not make up your mind to wait till you have acquired a fortune before you marry. You should not, however, a.s.sume the responsibilities of a family without a reasonable prospect of being able to maintain one. If you are established in business, or have an adequate income for the immediate requirements of the new relation, you may safely trust your own energy and self-reliance for the rest.

Women reach maturity earlier than men, and may marry earlier--say (as an average age), at twenty. The injunction, "Know thyself," applies with as much emphasis to a woman as to a man. Her perceptions are keener than ours, and her sensibilities finer, and she may trust more to _instinct_, but she should add to these natural qualifications a thorough knowledge of her own physical and mental const.i.tution, and of whatever relates to the requirements of her destiny as wife and mother. The importance of sound _health_ and _a perfect development_, can not be overrated. _Without these you are_ NEVER _fit to marry_.[P]

Having satisfied yourself that you really love a woman--be careful, as you value your future happiness and hers, not to make a _mistake_ in this matter--you will find occasion to manifest, in a thousand ways, your preference, by means of those tender but delicate and deferential attentions which love always prompts. "Let the heart speak." The heart you address will understand its language. Be earnest, sincere, self-loyal, and manly in this matter above all others. Let there be no nauseous flattery and no sickly sentimentality Leave the former to fops and the latter to beardless school-boys.

Though women do not "propose"--that is, as a general rule--they "make love" to the men none the less; and it is right. The divine attraction is mutual, and should have its proper expression on both sides. If you are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that is n.o.ble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him to _see_ and _feel_ that he pleases you. But _you_ do not need our instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness, flirting, and a too _obtrusive_ manifestation of preference are _not_ agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be _manly_, so should a woman be _womanly_ in her love.

II.--OBSERVANCES.

1. _Particular Attentions._

Avoid even the slightest appearance of _trifling_ with the feelings of a woman. A female coquette is bad enough. A male coquette ought to be banished from society. Let there be a clearly perceived, if not an easily defined, distinction between the attentions of common courtesy or of friendship and those of love. All misunderstanding on this point can and must be avoided.

The particular attentions you pay to the object of your devotion should not make you rude or uncivil to other women. Every woman is _her_ sister, and should be treated with becoming respect and attention. Your special attentions to her in society should not be such as to make her or you the subject of ridicule. Make no public exhibition of your endearments.

2. _Presents._

If you make presents, let them be selected with good taste, and of such cost as is fully warranted by your means. Your mistress will not love you better for any extravagance in this matter. The value of a gift is not to be estimated in dollars and cents. A lady of good sense and delicacy will discourage in her lover all needless expenditure in ministering to her gratification, or in proof of his devotion.

3. _Confidants._

Lovers usually feel a certain need of confidants in their affairs of the heart. In general, they should be of the opposite s.e.x. A young man may with profit open his heart to his mother, an elder sister, or a female friend considerably older than himself. The young lady may with equal advantage make a brother, an uncle, or some good middle-aged married man the repository of her love secrets, her hopes, and her fears.

4. _Declarations._

We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for "popping the question." Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion. A single word--yes, less than that, on the lady's part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you, put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest white note paper, inclosed in a fine but plain white envelope (see "How to Write"), seal it handsomely with _wax_, address and direct it carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady's answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.

5. _Asking "Pa."_

Asking the consent of parents or guardians is, in this country, where women claim a right to choose for themselves, a mere form, and may often be dispensed with. The lady's wishes, however, should be complied with in this as in all other matters. And if consent is refused? This will rarely happen. If it does, there is a remedy, and we should have a poor opinion of the love or the spirit of the woman who would hesitate to apply it. If she is of age, she has a legal as well as a moral right to bestow her love and her hand upon whom she pleases. If she does not love you well enough to do this, _at any sacrifice_, you should consider the refusal of her friends a very fortunate occurrence. If she is not of age, the legal aspect of the affair may be different, but, at worst, she can wait until her majority puts her in possession of all her rights.