Hope Street Part 26

She was only vaguely aware of all the bustle around her-Maggie, the midwife, gently washing her off with warm, wet cloths, Joelle's housemate Lucy snapping photos with her camera, Suzanne-at forty, the owner of the house and the grande dame of their community-gathering towels and linens into a laundry basket, Renee combing Joelle's hair back from her sweaty, teary cheeks and Lenore giggling and cooing and generally being useless. "Try giving her a breast," Maggie advised. Before Joelle could respond, Renee and Lenore eased down the strap of Joelle's nightgown to free her breast.

She lifted her squirming little daughter and guided her nipple into the baby's mouth. With an eager tug, the baby started to suck. It was all such a miracle-this glorious little girl feeding from Joelle's body. Joelle a mother. This precious life. This tiny angel.

"Claudia," she whispered. "You'll be my Claudia." Our Claudia, she added, praying that Bobby would accept her as his daughter, that he would return from Vietnam and still wish to be Joelle's husband. What if he looked at Claudia and saw Drew Foster in her pale, feathery hair, in her round, gray-brown eyes, her little pink hands and her fingernails like tiny seed pearls? What if, when he confronted the reality of what he'd done, he decided to flee? He'd been the one to point out that they could always get a divorce.

He'd also been the one to say this baby would be his, a DiFranco.

Maggie approached Joelle with a clipboard. "Oh, she's nursing so well! She's probably not getting full-strength milk yet, but that'll come soon. I hope she does everything as beautifully as she does this."

"So do I." Joelle was unable to look anywhere but at the baby in her arms, her cheeks pumping and her feet kicking eagerly against the soft cotton blanket in which she was wrapped.

Maggie picked up the clipboard. "We have to fill out a few forms for her birth certificate. Father's name?"

Joelle drew in a deep breath and said, "Robert Louie DiFranco. Capital D, capital F."

The midwife left about a half hour later. Suzanne went downstairs to fix dinner and Lenore volunteered to run a load of laundry. Lucy left a stack of instant photos on the bedside table and Renee, at Joelle's request, brought her stationery box over to the bed. Claudia had already emptied one breast and was drinking from the other, although a lot less enthusiastically. Her eyelids fluttered and her legs didn't move so much. All the excitement of getting born and eating seemed to have tired her out.

She had the most delicate eyelashes Joelle had ever seen.

"Would you like to rest?" Renee asked.

The peace in the room, after all the tumult of the birth, soothed Joelle. She suspected moments of peace would be rare now that Claudia was in her life. "Thanks," she said, nodding at Renee.

Renee left the room, one of five cozy bedrooms in the rambling Victorian. Through the floorboards Joelle could hear the sounds of her housemates moving around downstairs, the m.u.f.fled drone of the TV, Lenore's giddy laughter. In her arms, Claudia made a slurping sound, then nestled her head into the bend of Joelle's elbow. Her eyes were shut-she was obviously asleep, although her mouth kept making sucking motions. Maybe she was dreaming about milk, Joelle thought with a smile.

Trying not to jostle the baby, she grasped with her free hand for her stationery. She also gathered up the photographs. A couple were blurred and one hadn't developed very well. But one showed her and Claudia clearly. She set it aside, then took a sheet of letter paper from the box. Dear Bobby, she wrote, I gave birth today to a baby girl. I named her Claudia. I hope you don't mind.

SEVEN.

BOBBY KNEW MORE ABOUT GARDENS than Joelle did, but after thirty-seven years of marriage, she'd learned a few things. A few years ago, she'd asked him to help her plant a vegetable garden in the backyard. He'd carved her a plot with as much care and professionalism as he would for any DiFranco Landscaping project. He'd cut a nice-size rectangle, surrounded it with marigolds and trimmed it with scalloped wire fencing buried deep enough to hinder burrowing critters. He'd filled the enclosed area with enriched loam. He'd supplied her with frames to tie her tomato vines and some sort of organic antigrub soil treatment.

When her children were young, her summers had been filled with mothering. She'd spent every July and August shuttling the kids to day camp, Little League, swimming lessons and play dates. When they'd grown older, she'd chauffeured them to a.s.sorted summer jobs.

But now they were gone and Joelle's summers were her own. A lot of teachers picked up supplementary income working as camp counselors or tutors, but Joelle and Bobby didn't require the extra money. And since summer was his busiest season, she was happy to spend those months free of paying work and available to take care of ch.o.r.es he had no time for. She sewed, she puttered, she grew fresh vegetables and she fixed special meals to greet him with at the end of his long days.

Like lasagna, she thought churlishly, recalling the overcooked meal she'd wound up throwing away last night.

Gardening wasn't merely a hobby today. It was therapy. She needed the grit of the warm soil against her knees and between her fingers. She needed the hot sun roasting her. She needed the satisfying rip of roots as she tore weeds from the dirt. She needed something to tame, something to inflict her anger upon.

How could Bobby have gotten drunk last night? How could he have come home and smashed a vase? Was her family as broken as that vase? Had she demolished the family by telling Claudia the truth about her birth, or had the lie, the basis of her marriage, been like a flaw in the gla.s.s, an invisible crack just waiting to split apart?

Lost in her ruminations and drugged by the morning heat, she wasn't at first sure she heard Claudia's voice: "Mom?" Silence, and then she heard it again. "Mom."

She glanced over her shoulder and saw Claudia standing on the patio, using her hand to shield her eyes from the sun's glare as she gazed at Joelle. She wore white cotton shorts and a lime-green camp shirt and she was alone.

Where were the children? Did Claudia intend to deny Joelle access to her grandchildren because of what she'd done so many years ago? If she did...Joelle would die. Without her beloved grandbabies, she couldn't imagine how she would go on.

She stood, tossed down the garden claw she'd been using to loosen the weeds' roots and dusted the dirt from her knees. "h.e.l.lo, Claudia." No sound of Jeremy's or Kristin's laughter drifted from the side of the house. Not that Claudia would have let them out of her sight if she'd brought them with her. They would have been standing right beside their mother on the patio-or, more likely, racing across the gra.s.s to Grandma, arms outstretched as they clamored for hugs.

Claudia must have read her question in her eyes. "I left the kids at a neighbor's house," she said. "This isn't a friendly visit."

Of course not. Joelle supposed that meant she shouldn't hug Claudia, either. Clearly Claudia meant to punish her for...what? Giving birth to her? Marrying a man who promised to be a father for her? Raising her and loving her and sending her off into the world?

"I want to know about my father," Claudia said.

"He's at work right now," Joelle said, her voice taut. "You have his number." Maybe you can meet him for a beer and a few whiskies after work, she thought bitterly. Maybe you can get him so drunk he'll get sick, the way your brother Mike did, and by the time I join him in bed he'll be pa.s.sed out.

"I meant my birth father," Claudia said quietly.

Joelle sighed. She heard an undertone of worry along with indignation in Claudia's voice. Sadness, too, and fear. "What do you want to know?"

"I tried Googling his name," Claudia told her, then laughed dryly. "Drew Foster. I got thousands of hits about foster programs for children, plus a few that seemed to be about drawing pictures and a couple about duels."

"Duels?"

"People drawing their guns. Maybe I would have found some information about him online if his name was weird-Vladimir Binglehoffer or something." Claudia's lingering smile, although faint, gave Joelle a touch of hope. Her joke was a door opening a sliver.

Joelle dared to smile back. "He was one of the rich kids in town," she explained. "A purebred Wasp with a Waspy name." Leaving her tools, her gloves and the bucket of weeds by the garden, she strode across the lawn to the patio. "What do you want to know? I'll tell you everything I can."

Claudia ruminated. Evidently she didn't know what she wanted to know. Finally she asked, "Was he smart?"

"He was a good student. He went to Dartmouth College. People at our high school were so excited about his going there. Ivy League colleges were a big deal in those days."

"They still are." Claudia's eyes remained on Joelle. "Did he have any talent? Was he musical?"

Joelle realized Claudia was trying to figure out what gifts Drew's genes might have bestowed upon her. "I don't recall him playing any instruments," she said. "He played tennis, though. I remember he played soccer, too. Our school had a team, but it wasn't such a popular sport back then. Not the way it is now."

"What did he look like?"

Joelle struggled to conjure a picture of a teenage Drew. Whatever memories she'd had of him from high school had been overtaken by his appearance inside her house a few days ago. He'd looked prosperous and middle-aged that morning, not like the boy she'd fallen for in high school. "I've got my Holmdell High School yearbook somewhere," she said, swinging open the back door into the kitchen.

Claudia followed her inside. The kitchen was pleasantly cool after the oppressive heat of the backyard. Joelle paused at the sink to wash her hands and face. She toweled herself dry, then headed for the bas.e.m.e.nt door.

Bobby had finished a rec room in the bas.e.m.e.nt a few years after they'd bought the house, once he'd had the rest of the place in reasonable repair. The rec room was nothing fancy-Sheet-rock walls, cheap brown carpeting covering the concrete floor, built-in shelves and drop-ceiling fluorescent lighting. It had been a haven for the kids, a place for the boys to scatter their toys and play video games, a lair where Claudia and her teenage friends gathered for sleepover parties. By the time the boys were in high school, Joelle had added some style to the decor, painting the walls a cheerful yellow, spreading a few braided rugs on the floor and sewing new slipcovers for the sofa and chairs. Last year Bobby had splurged on a wide-screen TV. Joelle considered most TV shows just as inane in wide-screen as on the old set, but Bobby adored the oversize screen. So did Mike and Danny, who spent many Sundays in the fall watching football with their father. If the TV lured her kids home for visits, she was glad Bobby had bought it.

The carton she was searching for was in the unfinished half of the bas.e.m.e.nt, where the furnace and the hot-water tank, Bobby's tool bench and a wall of steel storage shelves were located. The shelves were stacked with boxes of Christmas decorations, old athletic gear, luggage, tax records and junk that, for whatever reason, Joelle wasn't yet ready to discard. She shoved a few boxes around until she located the carton at the back of one of the shelves.

She lugged the carton into the rec room, Claudia shadowing her. After dropping the box onto the coffee table, Joelle settled on the couch. She wrinkled her nose at the sour scent of the dust that rose from the flaps as she pulled them apart.

She hadn't opened this carton since the family had moved to Gray Hill, and she told herself its contents no longer meant anything to her. But when she lifted out the polished marble egg Bobby had given her for Christmas so many years ago, in high school, she felt a pang so painful it brought tears to her eyes. "Oh, G.o.d," she said, her hand molding to the smooth curves of the egg. "This was a present from your dad."

"My birth father?"

Joelle started. "No. Your real father." She held the egg up for Claudia to see.

Claudia frowned. "What is that?"

"An egg. A marble egg. There was this little head shop in town that sold them."

Claudia took the egg from her and studied it, her frown deepening. "What were you supposed to do with it?"

"I don't know. Display it. Hold it." She sighed. "There was no 'supposed to' about it. All I cared about was that Bobby DiFranco gave it to me."

"Even though you were in love with some other guy," Claudia said, her tone laced with suspicion.

"I always loved your father," Joelle insisted, silencing the quaver in her voice. Last night when Bobby was lost in a drunken slumber, had she loved him? Had she loved him when she'd thrown away the ruined flowers and the broken gla.s.s and the dinner he'd never eaten? Why couldn't he have stayed calm and reasonable and talked to her? Why, when they were both so sad, did he get to act out, while she got stuck cleaning up after him?

Sighing, she reached back into the carton and pulled out her old jewelry box. She opened its lid. The box was empty-the few pieces of jewelry she'd owned before she left Holmdell with Bobby had since been moved to a much nicer jewelry box, which sat on her bedroom dresser. After all these years, she hadn't really expected the old box to start playing "Edelweiss," but the silence jolted her.

She flipped the box over and cranked the key protruding from the underside. Then she righted the box and opened it again. The crystalline notes of the song emerged.

"Hey." Claudia's eyes grew wide as she sank onto the sofa next to Joelle. "I know that song."

"It's from The Sound of Music," Joelle said.

"No, I mean-I know it." She eased the music box out of her mother's hands and placed it on her knees, letting the music rise like a vapor in front of her. "I know this music box."

"It's been stored away forever," Joelle said, gesturing toward the carton.

Claudia frowned, shook her head and twisted the key to make the music continue. "When I was really little, before we lived here, Daddy would play this music box for me. He'd sit me on his knee and open the lid. I thought it was magic, the way the music just rose out of the box like that."

Daddy. Claudia wasn't referring to Drew Foster now. Her daddy was Bobby, the man who'd raised her, who'd made her believe in the magic of a music box.

Joelle didn't remember Bobby playing the music box for Claudia, but the early years of their marriage had been filled with a lot of tag-team parenting. She'd worked while he was in physical therapy. Or she'd brought Claudia with her to the preschool where she was employed. Or he'd cared for Claudia in the evenings while Joelle attended college. Those first few years after Bobby came home from the war were a blur of exhaustion, determination and discovery. They'd had to learn how to be a husband and wife at the same time they were learning how to be parents. They'd had to learn how to create a family while actually doing it.

Apparently during those times when Bobby and Claudia were on their own, Bobby had amused his daughter with the music box. Together they'd experienced things that Joelle had never been a part of.

If Claudia could remember "Edelweiss," her relationship with Bobby couldn't be torn apart by the intrusion of Drew Foster into their lives. It simply couldn't.

While Claudia opened and shut the music box, lost in her own memories, Joelle dug deeper into the carton. There was her old childhood piggy bank, long empty. There was her teddy bear, which she'd let Claudia keep until she'd had enough money to buy her a brand-new stuffed animal. And there, underneath the black plastic folder holding her high-school diploma, was her yearbook.

She hoisted out the heavy alb.u.m and nudged the carton away so it wouldn't cast a shadow on the glossy pages. Claudia set down the jewelry box and lifted the yearbook onto her own lap. "I don't think I've ever seen this," she said, spreading the book open across her thighs. She sped through the first part of the book, full of candid shots and faculty photos, and then slowed when she reached the portraits of Joelle's cla.s.smates. "Foster," Claudia murmured, flipping past the As, the Bs, the Ds so quickly Joelle didn't even glimpse Bobby's picture.

Claudia halted at Drew's page. The photo resembled him as much as any yearbook photo would: a black-and-white portrait of a young man gazing dreamily just past the photographer's shoulder, his eyes aimed at some supposedly glorious future. His hair was neatly combed and not particularly long for 1970. He wore a dark blazer, a white shirt and a dark tie. His face was smooth and boyish.

"That's him?" Claudia asked, her voice a whisper.

"Yes."

She scrutinized the picture, as if trying to discern his character from that one artificial pose. She traced the photo with her fingertips, as if she could feel the shape of his nose, the curve of his chin. She stared, sighed, drank him in.

"He doesn't look like that now," Joelle reminded her. "He was eighteen when that photo was taken."

"I know, but...It would have been right around when you became-I mean, this is what he looked like when you conceived me."

Unsure what to say, Joelle remained silent. Claudia seemed both horrified and enthralled by the photograph. Joelle was mostly just horrified by it. She'd believed she loved that boy-a boy so selfish, his way of dealing with his pregnant girlfriend was to send her a check and the name of a doctor. Why had she agreed to help him now? He'd been a son of a b.i.t.c.h, just as Bobby said.

His son, she remembered. She was doing this for his son.

For her daughter, too. Observing the intensity of Claudia's expression as she studied the man whose sperm had created her, Joelle had to believe she'd been right to tell her daughter the truth. She couldn't let herself believe anything else.

After several long minutes, Claudia thumbed back a few pages, into the Ds, until she found Bobby's photo. Unlike all the other students on the page, Bobby lacked the traditional tentative yearbook smile, and he stared directly at the camera, not at some goal hovering just above the photographer's right shoulder. His dark hair was long and wild with waves, his eyes dark and burning, his mouth set firmly. He wore a blazer-a corduroy blazer, Joelle realized as she leaned in to study the photo. His father's jacket, the one he'd stolen when he and Joelle had fled to New Jersey and gotten married.

Claudia had wedged her finger into the book to hold Drew's page, and now she turned back to that page. She inspected Drew's photo, then flipped back to Bobby's page and grimaced. "Dad was so cool. Why didn't you go out with him?"

Studying Bobby's photo, Joelle had to agree that he'd been handsome. But she'd known him so long, she'd hardly even seen him by the time they were high-school seniors. When she'd looked at him, she'd seen their shared history. She'd seen his wicked grin, his sense of humor, the smell of his cigarettes, the grief darkening his eyes at moments when he didn't realize she was watching him. Grief over his mother's death, she'd a.s.sumed, or over his father's drinking, or over the fact that kids like him were denied the opportunity to escape their fate. No wonder he wasn't gazing into the future in his yearbook photo. The future he'd imagined for himself back then wasn't one he'd wanted.

Objectively, though, he'd been gorgeous. His hair, his eyes, the stubborn set of his jaw, the fierce defiance in his gaze...Definitely gorgeous.

"I didn't date your father because he never asked me out," she answered.

Claudia eyed her dubiously.

"We were friends, but he dated other girls."

"Who?" Claudia began thumbing through the pages. "Who did he date?"

Quite a few, Joelle recalled. Bobby had made the rounds of available Tubtown girls throughout their high-school years. He'd always been popular. He'd dated one in particular toward the end; he'd been going with her when he'd asked Joelle to marry him. "Margie something," she recollected. "I think her last name began with an N. Newland, maybe?"

Amid the Ns, Claudia found Marjorie Noonan's photo. "Her?" She scowled in disapproval.

Claudia looked at Margie's photo. Joelle looked, too. She'd forgotten how beautiful Margie was, with her long black hair, her round cheeks and her large, almond-shaped eyes framed in thick eyelashes. Her lips shaped a perfect pout as she focused on the s.p.a.ce beyond the photographer. Why hadn't Bobby stayed with her? She was much prettier than Joelle.

"She was nice," Joelle told Claudia.

"She's tarty. He could have gone out with you."

"He wanted to go out with her," Joelle said simply. The emotion that welled up inside her wasn't simple, though. Bobby had gone out with Margie and other girls because he'd wanted to-and he hadn't wanted to go out with Joelle. Surely if he had, he would have asked her out. Surely if he had, she would have said yes.

But he hadn't loved her, not that way. She'd been his pal. Not the girl of his heart. Even when he'd married her, she'd been aware of that.

And it hurt. After all these years, it still hurt to admit that Bobby hadn't loved her the way he'd loved all the girls he'd been involved with in Holmdell. He'd married her out of friendship and charity, nothing more. Crazy though it was, she suffered a pang of jealousy for all those girls he'd dated, all the girls he'd chosen. He'd never really chosen her. She'd been his good deed, nothing more.

"So he was dating her, and you were dating..." Claudia returned to Drew's photo amid the Fs. "Drew Foster."

"Drew was very nice," Joelle defended him. "He was smart and handsome and considerate." Until the end, she added silently. Until he found out I was pregnant and sent me money.

"He looks rich."

"He was."