Hoosier Mosaics Part 11

'Jist a few miles here on the steps!'

'Off, quick!'

'Please----'

'Here you go!' and as he said the words he tried to kick me off.

"In a second I was like a Bengal tiger. I jumped up and gethered him and we went at it. I'm as good as ever fluttered, and pretty soon I give him one flat on the nose, and we both went off 'n the platform together. As I started off I happened to think of it, so I grabbed up and pulled the bell-rope to signal the engineer to drive on. 'Hoot-toot!' says the whistle, and away lick-to-split went the train, and slashy-to-splashy, rattle-o-bangle, kewoppyty-whop, b.u.mp, thud! down me and that 'ere conductor come onto a pile o' wore out cross ties in the side ditch, and there we laid a fightin'!

"But you jest bet it didn't take me long to settle _him_. He soon began to sing out ''nuff! 'nuff! take 'm off!' and so I took him by the hair and dragged him off 'n the cross ties, shot him one or two more under the ear with my fist, and then dropped him. He crawled up and stood looking at me as if I was the awfulest thing in the world. I s'pect I did look scary, for I was terrible mad. His face was bruised up mightily, but he wasn't a bleeding much. He was mostly swelled.

'Where's my train?' says he, in a sort o' blank, hollow way.

'Don't ye hear it?' I answered him, 'It's gone on to Savanny!'

'Gone! Who told 'm to go on? What'd they go leave me for?'

'I pulled the bell rope,' says I.

'_You?_'

'Yes, _me_!'

'What in the world did you do _that_ for, man?'

''Cause you wouldn't let me ride to Savanny!'

'What'll I do! What'll I do!' he cried, beginning to waltz 'round like one possessed.

"I laughed--I couldn't help it--and at the same time I pulled out my old pistol.

'Yah-hoo-a!' yelled another owl.

'For the sake o' humanity don't kill me!' said the conductor.

'I'm jest a going to shoot you a little bit for the fun o' the thing,'

says I.

'Mercy, man!' he prayed.

'Ticket!' says I.

"He groaned the awfulest kind, and, by the moonlight, I saw 'at the big tears was running down his face. I felt sorry for him, but I kinder thought 'at after what he'd done he'd better pray a little, so I mentioned it to him.

'I guess it mought be best if you'd pray a little,' says I, c.o.c.king the pistol. My voice had a decided sepulchreal sound. The pistol clicked very sharp.

'O, kind sir,' says he, 'O, dear sir, I never did pray, I don't know how to pray!'

'Ticket or check!' says I, and he knowed I was talking kind o' sarcasm.

'Pray quick!'

"He got down and prayed like a Methodist preacher at his very best licks. He must 'a' prayed afore.

"About the time his prayer was ended I heard a train coming in the distance. He jumped up and listened.

'Glory! Heaven be praised!' says he, capering around like a mad monkey, 'They've missed me and are backing down to hunt me! Where's my lantern?

Have you a match? Gi'me your handkerchief!'

'Not so fast,' says I; 'you jest be moderate now, will you? I've no notion o' you getting on that train any more. You jest walk along wi'

me, will you?'

'Where?' says he.

'Into the swamp,' says I; 'step off lively, too, d'you hear me?'

'O mercy, mercy, man!' says he.

'Ticket!' says I, and then he walked along wi' me into the swamp some two or three hundred yards from the railroad.

"I took him into a very thickety place, and made him back up agin a tree and put back his arms around it. Then I took one o' his suspenders and tied him hard and fast. Then I gagged him with my handkerchief. So far, so good.

"Here come the train slowly backing down, the brakesman a swinging lanterns, and the pa.s.sengers all swarming onto the platforms. Poorty soon they stopped right opposite us. The conductor began to struggle. I poked the pistol in his face and jammed the gag furder into his mouth.

He saw I meant work and got quiet.

"The pa.s.sengers was swarming off 'n the train and I saw 'at I must git about poorty fast if I was to do anything. I soon hit on a plan. I jist stepped back a piece out o' sight o' the conductor and turned my coat, which was one o' these two-sided affairs, one side white, t'other brown.

I turned the white side out. Then I flung away my greasy skull cap and took a soft hat out 'n my pocket and put it on. Then I watched my chance and mixed in with the pa.s.sengers who was a hunting for the conductor.

'Strange what's become o' him,' says I to a fat man, who was puffing along.

'Dim strange, dim strange,' says the big fellow, in a keen, wheezing voice.

"Well, you never saw jist sich hunting as was done for that conductor.

Everybody slopped around in the swamp till their clothes was as wet and muddy as mine. I was monstrous active in the search. I hunted everywhere 'cepting where the conductor was. Finally he got the gag spit out and lordy how he did squeal for help. Everybody rushed to him and soon had him free.

"It tickled me awful to hear that conductor explaining the matter. He told it something like this:

'Devil of a great big ruffian on hind platform. Asked him for ticket.

Refused. Tried to put him off. Grabbed me. Smashed my nose. Flung me off. Pulled the bell-rope, then lit out on me. Mauled ---- out o' me.

Had a pistol two feet long. Made me pray. Heard train a coming. Took me to swamp. Tied me and sloped. Lord but I'm glad to see you all!'

"We all went aboard o' the train and I rode to Savanny onmolested. The conductor didn't mistrust me. He asked me for my check and I told him 'at I'd lost it a thrashing round in the bushes a hunting him. That was all right.

"When we got to Savanny I couldn't help letting the conductor know me, so as I pa.s.sed down the steps of the car I whispered savagely in his ear:

'Ticket! dod blast you!'

"He tried to grab me as I shambled off into the crowd, but I knowed the ropes. I heard him a shoutin'--