Honey, I Wrecked The Kids Part 3

Understanding the Attention Dance We agreed that Ethan was seeking the goal of attention. Look at how creative Ethan had to be! He has already discovered from past tuck-ins that crying and asking for things like water and to pee has a 100 percent success rate, since Dad can't seem to ignore these seemingly valid requests. Ethan might have already tried other ways, such as asking for another story. But, if Dad said "No, no more stories," and always refused that request, then Ethan learned that asking for more stories is not eff ective, and he moved on to others tactics.

Children experiment with behaviors and keep the ones that elicit the response they are seeking. Ethan's behavior allows him to stay in the spotlight. He manages to engage his father in some form of socializing for an additional half-hour after his bedtime. Dad has Chapter Three 49."Ethan matters" to deal with and so he is tied up and can't engage with Ethan's mom and sister.

What would happen if Ethan gave up these behaviors? If he didn't cry and make requests, Dad would finish tuck-ins in a few minutes and then socialize with his sister and mom instead, and Ethan would be ignored.

Children who have the mistaken belief, "I must have attention in order to know that I belong and am important," will seek out any behavior that gets their parents to stop what they're doing and pay attention to them. Some kids will do this by being silly; they will jump around in some crazy dance that becomes their signature piece. Some children decide to take on a persona, as in "I am not Marcie. I am a cat . . .

meow!" and suddenly you have a "cat" at the dinner table who would like her dinner served in a saucer. Perhaps your kids have discovered that they can enlist your attention through helping them, so they feign helpless in order to have you "care" for them by brushing their teeth, zipping their jacket, tying their shoes, putting on their coats or cutting their French toast for them. Other children will want you to feel worried, so they will bang their heads, or make themselves fearful. If people worry about you, that proves you're important to them.

Attention-seeking kids will also discover ways to be a general nuisance and pest. They might whine, spill or blow bubbles in their milk. Th ey might discover that making weird throat noises and clicks and clacks gets people's attention. They might complain of feeling sick in non-specific ways, or be dramatic when they get a small scratch. Th ey may try to impress you with feats at the park, showing off to you while yelling "Watch this! Watch this-NO HANDS!" Perhaps they talk too quietly, or too quickly, yammering on in a non-stop streak so fast you can hardly catch what they are saying. Perhaps they have learned that if they struggle and fidget they can get the teacher or Mom to sit with them and discuss each homework question one on one. Th e possibilities 50.seem endless, don't they? It can be relatively easy for children to get what they want through these behaviors: they can be very eff ective.

Take note: if you combine a couple of these tactics you can easily end up having a child mistakenly labeled ADD or ADHD.

These are just some examples of the myriad behaviors a child might stumble upon. The list is long, varied and diverse. However, seeing something you recognize in this list of behaviors doesn't necessarily mean that your child's goal is attention. We must pay attention to the response and reaction the behavior elicits. We have to ask all three of the questions in order to make the right diagnosis.

Question #1: What Do You Do?

What is your reaction to your child's pestering and clowning and repeated requests for water after tuck-ins? When the dance is attention, our response is to give attention and typically it comes in one of two forms: 1. Verbal attention in the form of nagging, reminding and reprimanding or 2. Non-verbal attention in the form of service. (You fi nd yourself doing things for your child that you know full well she could and should be doing for herself.) When you are watching the scene play out, check and see if you are saying any of the following lines: "Stop that."

"Let's go."

"Th at's enough."

"What did I tell you?"

"Don't do that."51."I told you once already."

"Put that down."

"Don't hit her."

"Gentle hands, please."

"Get up."

"Get off ."

"Eat, eat, eat!"

"Where is your scarf? Where is your bag?"

"Did you brush, did you flush, did you say thank you?"

"Don't pick it, kick it, wipe it, touch it or throw it!"

Notice these are all lines you have said a hundred times before, and probably you say them again and again in about three-minute intervals. Your kids know they should get off the couch when their shoes are on. They don't lack knowledge about how to use the couch properly. They know shoes should be off, just as sure as they know that keeping them on will bring about your usual spiel.

So, NO they are not deaf or a glutton for punishment. Th ey are successfully engaging your attention-in a negative way. Bad press is better than no press at all, right? Better to act in ways that stimulate a lecture from Mom than to be ignored by her.

This is why most parents have difficulty with their children interrupting them when they talk on the phone. As soon as you pick up the phone it announces to your children, "You are about to be ignored; I am now giving my attention to someone else."

Now the child who was playing happily on his own is suddenly yanking on your pant leg like a monk tolling a bell, incessantly chanting "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. . . . " And what do we do? Cover the mouthpiece and give them attention in the form of a verbal response "Shhhh-please, don't interrupt I am on the phone." (As if they hadn't noticed and as if they didn't know not to interrupt-dah!) 52.Not all attention has to be verbal, though. You don't have to talk while you do up a coat, but still the attention is on your munchkin and her coat, and not on the computer or not on her little sister who is getting ready to go out too. You can't dress someone without attending. Your focus is on your child-even if the words are not coming out of your mouth. So if you find yourself doing things for your children that you know full well they could be doing for themselves, you are probably in an attention dance.

I say "probably" because we can't decide definitively until we answer all three questions.

Question #2: How Do You Feel?

The attention dance can make us feel irritated, annoyed, frustrated or worried. These are the low-grade emotions that tell us that we're bothered by having to engage with these distractions. We fi nd our child's antics taxing and tiring, sort of irksome. We don't want to have to deal with them. We'd rather these behaviors weren't happening, so we feel a bit put off .

And now the last question: Question #3: How Does Your Child Respond to You?

What is their reaction to your nagging and "doing for" them? If your child's goal is attention, then she will be responsive and stop.

She will quit bubbling the milk, go back to bed after peeing, get off the couch when you point it out to her-yet again. Your child has received your attention, so your actions are eff ective-BUT-only in the short term. With attention as the child's goal, we see the characteristic resuming of misbehavior almost immediately. Children either start up again with bubbling their milk, or they switch it up and move onto another trick they have up their sleeve that is equally frustrating to you. Now, instead of bubbling milk, they bang the table leg with their foot.53.The overall feeling is similar to swatting at a fly that keeps buzzing around you. Th is is the attention dance: 1. You remind, nag and do for your child.

2. You feel annoyed and irritated.

3. Your child's misbehavior stops temporarily, only to resume again with the same or a different but equally annoying misbehavior.

Understanding the Power Dance Let me describe another scene with diff erent actors playing out a dance on a diff erent stage: Maddie calls her dad at work from her friend's house.

She wants permission to stay at her friend's house aft er school. Dad says no, he wants her to go home to do her schoolwork. Maddie gets upset that her dad won't give her permission and she argues with him, saying that he is being unfair and unreasonable. She doesn't understand why she can't stay. Dad tells her that she has to go home to do her schoolwork before she plays with her friends. He argues that she is the one being unreasonable. After all, she just spent all day with her friend at school. She won't let up on her dad, saying, "It's only two math questions-it will take 15 minutes, big whoop." Dad is getting cross. He yells, "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Just go home; I'll see you at supper." Maddie slams down the phone before he finishes talking and stays at her friend's house against Dad's wishes.

Hmm . . . I don't think we are in Kansas anymore, Toto. Th is is definitely NOT the attention dance anymore, is it? This has a 54 whole diff erence nuance. Can you tell from this description that the actions, reactions and emotions are all different? More intense?

If attention is like swatting a buzzing fly, then power is more like being in a tug-of-war.

Children with the goal of power have two basic styles or approaches: either they are the kid pulling on your rope, or they act as the "anchor,"

the guy whose job it is to stay fi rm and show you that you can't pull them. They just stay put. One is aggressive power, and it's usually recognized by parents since it is so in your face. But resistive or pa.s.sive power is often not detected as easily. Here is a quick chart to compare the two: Style of Power Aggressive Power Resistive Power Role of Child Rebel / Oppressor Resister / Stubborn Typical Behaviors Argues Lazy Blows up / explosive Sloppy Short Fuse Late Tantrums Endless excuses Refuses to follow rules Agrees, but doesn't do Lies Moves slowly Defi ance Directly contradicts Belief Behind the "I only count when I "My power and Behavior can show you I am the significance lies in boss."

not letting anyone boss me around."

Source: Adapted from the work of Dr. Richard Royal Kopp You will find that in a family with siblings, one will have the style of the rebel and the other sibling will want to fi nd their own unique niche or role in the family, so they opt for playing the resister. You will find that in a family with siblings, one will have the style of the rebel and the other sibling will want to fi nd their own unique niche or role in the family, so they opt for playing the resister.

Sadly, the rebel tends to get punished far more severely in our society of "bully-phobic" adults. This can lead to a perceived favoritism, which deeply discourages a child and fuels more misbehaviors.55.With either kind of power dance, the same three questions apply.

Let's have a look: Question #1: What Do You Do?

With power, we aren't lecturing and nagging our children with simple comments to correct their behavior as we did with the attention-seeking child. Instead, things have taken on a heated intensity. It's a fight we are in, so we do all those fighting things: yelling, screaming, arguing, being physical and punitive. Do I need to say more? You know when you are fighting with your children.

Question #2: How Do You Feel?

There are several emotions to look for: If you feel threatened, challenged or defeated it's probably a power struggle. However, the biggest emotion to watch for is anger. Sure, your stubborn resister may make you feel irritated at first, but this type of behavior will also escalate-for you! Little Johnny may still be parked in front of the fridge door, refusing to move until he gets his fruit roll-up, but your emotions at his relentless, solemn search for more power are going to move from irritation to anger pretty quickly.

This is such an easy way to catch yourself getting into the power dance. There is a noticeable shift when we go from being irritated with our children and their shenanigans, to getting fed up and mad.

This is a red fl ag that we need to watch for. Anger tells us that we have entered the power dance, either directly, or as an escalation from the attention dance.

Question #3: How Does Your Child Respond?

Here is another differentiating characteristic between the goal of attention and power. With attention, the child stops what he 56 is doing and then resumes; stops and resumes, but always at a constant level of annoyance.

With power, however, we see behaviors escalate. Mom yelling at Jennifer to get off the couch doesn't work. Jennifer doesn't stop.

In fact, not only does she not stop, she tries to "top her" somehow; maybe by yelling louder, or saying harsher words, or possibly by hitting or kicking, knocking things over-you know the drill. Of course, Mom's behavior escalates in kind. After all, she just tipped over a houseplant and there is potting soil all over the rug now!

With Maddie, we saw the escalation from a request and a denial to Dad getting terse and then angry, and the trump card: Maddie hanging up on him. It is a progression of bad to worse as the one-upmanship plays out.

Can you see the difference between attention and power as a diagnosis? Is the picture getting clearer? Excellent! Of course there will be times when in one "scene" the goal shifts or it takes a bit more of your Sherlock abilities to tease out a clear diagnosis.

Let's test you: Do you remember Karen and her monkey-man who is running around the change room instead of getting dressed? She starts by feeling irritated. He is clowning around.

She does a lot of reminding. Do you think it is the attention dance? Hmmmm. If you don't follow the protocol of working through the three questions, it's easy to think that. But let's double-check: Karen starts by nagging and that is all we hear of her behavior really, except that it ends with her "snapping." Snapping means she has been getting more and more angry without expressing it, until she fi nally explodes. That means she may be under-reporting her emotions or is less emotionally honest with herself than she could be.57.When she does nag, her child doesn't stop and repeat, as is the way in attention-seeking. His clowning sounds like something a person does if they want to be the centre of attention, but he is really being a stubborn resister. He is refusing to get dressed, and in a sense taunts her with behavior that really says "Na-na-you can't make me."

She also asks me, "How can I just make him listen?" Anytime I hear a parent use that line "make them" I am suspicious of power issues.

It may be that it started as an attention dance and morphed into a power struggle as Mom got fed up. When she has finally had it, she gets angry and more controlling, and unwittingly kicks off a power struggle. Her inability to get him dressed and out of the change room as needed seals the deal for me. I know it's power because Mom is powerless! That is why she calls me for help-to get some power over the situation that is defeating her.

You've got a huge foot up now on understanding and making sense of the crazy-making behaviors that probably have prompted you to read this book. I have two more dances to run through with you before we close the chapter, but you are getting so good at this process now that these last two will be a breeze.

Understanding the Revenge Dance If children continually try and fail at fi nding their signifi cance and sense of belonging in the family through power tactics, over time the retaliations grow more and more intense and severe. When parents constantly work to win power over children and keep them subdued, the relationships suff er. The continual fighting and punishments lead children to eventually come to the conclusion that they are, in fact, unlikable. They will conclude that they have no power in the family, and that they are "bad." Further abhorrent behaviors convince others 58 to think the same. Children may shift tactics to try to prove they are "someone" by hurting others as they perceive they have been hurt.

This kind of acting out is an attempt to say, "Hey, I won't let you hurt me like that. I am someone! I need to feel like I count for something, and you can't discount me this way."

Of key importance for parents to understand is that revenge is retaliatory. A child never seeks revenge first. Revenge is by its nature "getting back at someone." It occurs when we are hurting our children and they are letting us know. Sadly, we are oft en so busy punishing them for their actions that we miss our part in the creation of the problem, and we don't catch the hidden message they are trying to send us.

Mom arrived home to discover Oliver and his younger brother in the bas.e.m.e.nt. They were creating a concoction with some fluids from Dad's workbench. Mom was furious! She stormed at Oliver, "What are you doing! That is dangerous. What are you teaching your brother? You could have blown up the house. Do you want to die?" The boys knew they were into mischief, but when Oliver tried to explain that his younger brother had heard at school how to make a bomb and they were just trying to see . . .

Mom didn't want to hear anything about it. "I don't care! Oliver, go to your room right this instant. I've heard enough. I don't think a boy who is acting like a fi ve-year-old should have a 10th birthday party. I am canceling the cake we ordered and telling your friends the party is off ."

With that, Oliver went to his room and his brother went upstairs to watch TV. Mom was still fuming while she cleaned up. Later that night, when Mom was in Oliver's room, she found he had drawn a small picture on the wall of what Chapter Three 59.looked like a witch. Under it, he had written "Mom." She was appalled that he had defaced the wall, and hurt by what he had drawn.

You can bet that Oliver is in for more punishment and hurting now that his wall drawing has been discovered. He wanted his mom to discover it. He wanted to hurt Mom as he feels she hurt him. He acts instead of speaking. He doesn't say, "I am hurt that you only reprimand me while my brother gets off scot-free." He doesn't say "I understand that what I did was wrong, but canceling my birthday seems like too big a punishment for the crime. I was not trying to hurt you with my experiment-but you are intentionally hurting me by canceling my party and calling me a child. I am tired of always being responsible for my brother and how things will impact him, as if you care more about him than me."

I wish children could speak these words, but instead they act out. We need to be able to learn these diagnostic skills to deduce what is happening for children since they cannot simply tell us. In the chapter on dealing with revenge, you'll learn how to get this important information from you child. Every person has his or her own subjective reality. It is their truth, and for children who have the goal of revenge, we need to understand that though we may not have intended to hurt them, they are feeling hurt-and they are striking back.

Here are the three questions to diagnose revenge: What Do You Do? What Do You Do?

Punishing, retaliating, wanting to play the victim . . .

When people are hurt, they have an a.s.sortment of responses. Sometimes they play up feeling hurt in an attempt to make the other 60 person feel guilty. I see parents fake crying, even saying, "Mommy doesn't like it when you hit her. Look, you made Mommy cry." Th e motivation for doing this is punitive; it is a form of punishment.

You can't cover up your motives by saying you are trying to teach empathy-bah, humbug-the intention here is to make the child feel bad!

We also have this "Oh yeah, mister?" self-talk, that says, "I am NOT letting him get away with this!" and so we feel justifi ed in taking the child out at the knees. In this way of thinking, children are seen as some evil force and we are like Batman over Gotham City, justifying our violence in the name of restoring order. Suddenly, retaliation and punishment take on a golden sheen. For example, when Nolan spits on you for saying, "We have to go home now," you feel downright righteous saying "That's it-home, and straight to bed."

How Do You Feel?

Appalled, shocked, hurt, spiteful . . .

It's a good indicator that you are dealing with a revenge dance when you have your wind knocked out of you just thinking about what your child has done to you. Here is this child you raised robbing your wallet and hawking your mother's wedding ring. There is a feeling of disbelief that floods your system: you can't believe this is your child. You discover your child has actually had a BM in your closet, not on the floor, but with terrific aim-in your purse-and you know it was not a mistake but directed at you personally! How broken do our hearts feel when we finally say to ourselves, "I am not sure I even love my child anymore"? This deep response alerts us that we are in a revenge dance with our children; we feel shocked and we even feel like striking back.61.How Does Your Child Respond?

Vindictive, abusive, devious, stealing, self-destructive . . .

Oh yeah, with the revenge dance, you are so getting it back. Aft er all, your children are out to hurt you and they know your vulnerabilities.

I trust them to succeed.

They'll stare you blank in the face and say, "I wish you were dead." Or, with seething bitterness they say fatal words like, "I wish I lived with my father; he understands me!" and "I wish you weren't my mother-you're a wh.o.r.e." Of course there is also running away from home, living in the streets, drug use (NOW she'll pay for this), and more. But the younger set usually sticks to "pooh-pooh head"

and "You're not coming to my birthday." So, count your lucky stars we're on the case early.

Just as attention rolled into power, now we see power rolling into revenge. The deeper the discouragement, the further we go into the four goals of misbehavior until we finally arrive at the fourth and final goal: a.s.sumed inadequacy or learned helplessness/hopelessness.

We end at the avoidance dance.

Understanding the Avoidance Dance Oh, how did we ever get here with our children? Th ankfully, our children are so wonderfully resilient that we rarely do reach this level of discouragement, but we still need to be able to detect it should it happen.

Children who attempt to get you to partic.i.p.ate in the avoidance dance have lost any hope that they can fi nd their signifi cance and belonging in either the positive or the negative side of life. Th ey have tried all the tactics they can think of to show some strength, some way of being successful at something, but every effort has been met with failure and defeat. They are bankrupt of ways to prove their worth. Children who continue to feel that they fail us, let us down, 62 disappoint, come up short and have no talents or attributes of value, eventually feel worthless. They have one last tactic: give up and stop trying. It's really rather brilliant on their part. After all, you can't fail if you don't try, right? Avoiding is useful for them: they make themselves helpless and exaggerate it in such a convincing way that others come to believe them. They are excused from partic.i.p.ating and so avoid tasks which will reveal to the world their worthlessness.

They save face by doing nothing at all. There's no embarra.s.sment, if you don't try. h.e.l.l, you're not even in the game! We pity them, we worry about them, and we give them alibis to opt out, believing they can't manage.

Of course, all of our "help" in lowering the bar for them, actually reinforces their belief. "If Mom doesn't think I can do it, I guess I can't." Eventually, parents throw up their hands and say, "I give up.

I can't do anything with this kid." So we stop putting demands on them: BINGO-the strategy works.

Jenny's parents were called in for another parent-teacher meeting to discuss her progress at school. She was struggling in every subject and had significant problems with reading.

The teacher was concerned because Jenny already had extra help in cla.s.s, plus some tutoring through the school's reading recovery program, yet still there was no improvement. Nothing was working. During the interview the teacher asked what Jenny did at home. Mom shrugged her shoulders and said, "Nothing anymore. She doesn't want to help, and when she does it's usually so poorly done that I have to do everything again myself. It's not worth asking anymore."

Jenny has figured out her own way out of her perceived rut, but it's costing her soul. She is severely discouraged about herself and her Chapter Three 63.worth. She is avoiding life instead of meeting life's challenges, and she will not be able to integrate herself into the larger social world if we don't intervene. She is using the veil of being helpless and hopeless to reduce the demands on her and to keep her safe in a small private corner of the world, unable to grow or develop.

Here are the three questions to diagnose the Avoidance Dance: What Do You Do? What Do You Do?

Oh! To be the ambitious parent of an unambitious child. We work tirelessly to find out "what the heck is wrong with this dud of a kid." Or we're certain there is some disadvantage at play, so we try to help.

"I think I need to get him tested. Maybe he has autism or Asperger's or something. He's just not your average kid, is he?"

"I think I'll make another appointment with Miss Johnson to see how he is doing this week. I am not sure anything we've tried is getting through to him. He certainly is not going to be able to do a speaking presentation."

"I am looking into home schooling. She doesn't like the loud cla.s.sroom, and all the other children intimidate her."

Parents are critical and judgmental. In their quest to find out what is wrong with this kid, they constantly compare their child to others.

"Why can't they do what all the others are doing?" Parents pressure their children in subtle ways by being hyper-vigilant about how their children are doing. Parents tend to over-help, excuse or rescue the child. They also give up on the child, thinking that any eff orts they 64 have made so far all seem useless, so why bother? Th eir eff orts seem like an act of futility that never pays off. "Why should we try so hard if our kid won't even make the slightest effort? Doesn't she see that everything we are doing is to HELP her? Why doesn't she grab the lifeline we throw? If she doesn't care, then there is nothing more we can do either. . . . "

How Do You Feel?