Hogfather Part 5

"Where to, mister?"

"Oh, we don't mind. But first, I'd like you to stop in Sator Square, near the second fountain."

The knife was withdrawn. Ernie stopped trying to breathe through his ears.

"Er..."

"What is it? You do seem tense, Ernie. I always find a neck ma.s.sage helps."

"I ain't rightly allowed to carry pa.s.sengers, see. Charlie'll give me a right telling-off..."

"Oh, don't you worry about that that," said Teatime, slapping him on the back. "We're all friends here!"

"What're we bringing the girl for?" said a voice behind them.

"'s not right, hittin' girls," said a deep voice. "Our mam said no hittin' girls. Only bad boys do that, our mam said-"

"You be quiet, Banjo."

"Our mam said-"

"Shssh! Ernie here doesn't want to listen to our troubles," said Teatime, not taking his gaze off the driver.

"Me? Deaf as a post, me," burbled Ernie, who in some ways was a very quick learner. "Can't hardly see more'n a few feet, neither. Got no recollection for them faces that I do see, come to that. Bad memory? Hah! Talk about bad memory. Cor, sometimes I can be like as it were on the cart, talking to people, hah, just like I'm talking to you now, and then when they're gone, hah, try as I might, do you think I can remember anything about them or how many they were or what they were carrying or anything about any girl or anything?" By this time his voice was a high-pitched wheeze. "Hah! Sometimes I forget me own name!"

"It's Ernie Ernie, isn't it?" said Teatime, giving him a happy smile. "Ah, and here we are. Oh dear. There seems to be some excitement."

There was the sound of fighting somewhere ahead, and then a couple of masked trolls ran past with three Watchmen after them. They all ignored the cart.

"I heard the De Bris gang were going to have a go at Packley's strong room tonight," said a voice behind Ernie.

"Looks like Mr. Brown won't be joining us, then," said another voice. There was a sn.i.g.g.e.r.

"Oh, I don't know about that, Mr. Lilywhite, I don't know about that at all," said a third voice, and this one was from the direction of the fountain. "Could you take my bag while I climb up, please? Do be careful, it's a little heavy."

It was a neat little voice. The owner of a voice like that kept his money in a shovel purse and always counted his change carefully. Ernie thought all this, and then tried very hard to forget that he had.

"On you go, Ernie," said Teatime. "Round behind the University, I think."

As the cart rolled on, the neat little voice said, "You grab all the money and then you get out very smartly. Am I right?"

There was a murmur of agreement.

"Learned that on my mother's knee, yeah."

"You learned a lot of stuff across your ma's knee, Mr. Lilywhite."

"Don't you say nuffin' about our mam!" The voice was like an earthquake.

"This is Mr. Brown Mr. Brown, Banjo. You smarten up."

"He dint ort to tork about our mam!"

"All right! All right! h.e.l.lo, Banjo...I think I may have a sweet somewhere...Yes, there you are. Yes, your ma knew the way all right. You go in quietly, you take your time, you get what you came for and you leave smartly and in good order. You don't don't hang around at the scene to count it out and tell one another what brave lads you are, am I right?" hang around at the scene to count it out and tell one another what brave lads you are, am I right?"

"You seem to have done all right, Mr. Brown." The cart rattled toward the other side of the square.

"Just a little for expenses, Mr. Catseye. A little Hogswatch present, you might say. Never take the lot and run. Take a little and walk. Dress neat. That's my motto. Dress neat and walk away slowly. Never run. Never Never run. The Watch'll always chase a running man. They're like terriers for giving chase. No, you walk out slow, you walk round the corner, you wait till there's a lot of excitement, then you turn around and walk back. They can't cope with that, see. Half the time they'll stand aside to let you walk past. 'Good evening, officers,' you say, and then you go home for your tea." run. The Watch'll always chase a running man. They're like terriers for giving chase. No, you walk out slow, you walk round the corner, you wait till there's a lot of excitement, then you turn around and walk back. They can't cope with that, see. Half the time they'll stand aside to let you walk past. 'Good evening, officers,' you say, and then you go home for your tea."

"Wheee! Gets you out of trouble, I can see that. If you've got the nerve."

"Oh, no, Mr. Peachy. Doesn't get you out of. Keeps Keeps you out of." you out of."

It was like a very good schoolroom, Ernie thought (and immediately tried to forget). Or a back-street gym when a champion prizefighter had just strolled in.

"What's up with your mouth, Banjo?"

"He lost a tooth, Mr. Brown," said another voice, and sn.i.g.g.e.red.

"Lost a toot', Mr. Brown," said the thunder that was Banjo.

"Keep your eyes on the road, Ernie," said Teatime beside him. "We don't want an accident, do we..."

The road here was deserted, despite the bustle of the city behind them and the bulk of the University nearby. There were a few streets, but the buildings were abandoned. And something was happening to the sound. The rest of Ankh-Morpork seemed very far away, the sounds arriving as if through quite a thick wall. They were entering that scorned little corner of Ankh-Morpork that had long been the site of the University's rubbish pits and was now known as the Unreal Estate.

"b.l.o.o.d.y wizards," muttered Ernie, automatically.

"I beg your pardon?" said Teatime.

"My great-grandpa said we used t'own prop'ty round here. Low levels of magic, my a.r.s.e! Hah, it's all right for them wizards, they got all kindsa spells to protect 'em. Bit of magic here, bit of magic there...Stands to reason it's got to go somewhere, right?"

"There used to be warning signs up," said the neat voice from behind.

"Yeah, well, warning signs in Ankh-Morpork might as well have 'Good firewood' written on them," said someone else.

"I mean, stands to reason, they chuck out an old spell for exploding this, and another one for twiddlin' that, and another one for making carrots grow, they finish up interfering with one another, who knows what they'll end up doing?" said Ernie. "Great-grandpa said sometimes they'd wake up in the morning and the cellar'd be higher than the attic. And that weren't the worst," he added darkly.

"Yeah, I heard where it got so bad you could walk down the street and meet yourself coming the other way," someone supplied. "It got so's you didn't know it was b.u.m or breakfast time, I heard."

"The dog used to bring home all kinds of stuff," said Ernie. "Great-grandpa said half the time they used to dive behind the sofa if it came in with anything in its mouth. Corroded fire spells startin' to fizz, broken wands with green smoke coming out of 'em and I don't know what else...and if you saw the cat playing with anything, it was best not to try to find out what it was, I can tell you."

He twitched the reins, his current predicament almost forgotten in the tide of hereditary resentment.

"I mean, they say say all the old spell books and stuff was buried deep and they recycle the used spells now, but that don't seem much comfort when your potatoes started walkin' about," he grumbled. "My great-grandpa went to see the head wizard about it, and all the old spell books and stuff was buried deep and they recycle the used spells now, but that don't seem much comfort when your potatoes started walkin' about," he grumbled. "My great-grandpa went to see the head wizard about it, and he he said"-he put on a strangled nasal voice which was his idea of how you talked when you'd got an education-"'Oh, there might be some temp'ry inconvenience now, my good man, but just you come back in fifty thousand years.' b.l.o.o.d.y wizards." said"-he put on a strangled nasal voice which was his idea of how you talked when you'd got an education-"'Oh, there might be some temp'ry inconvenience now, my good man, but just you come back in fifty thousand years.' b.l.o.o.d.y wizards."

The horse turned a corner.

This was a dead-end street. Half-collapsed houses, windows smashed, doors stolen, leaned against one another on either side.

"I heard they said they were going to clean up this place," said someone.

"Oh, yeah yeah," said Ernie, and spat. When it hit the ground it ran away. "And you know what? You get loonies coming in all the time now, poking around, pulling things about-"

"Just at the wall up ahead," said Teatime conversationally. "I think you generally go through just where there's a pile of rubble by the old dead tree, although you wouldn't see it unless you looked closely. But I've never seen how you do do it..." it..."

"'ere, I can't take you lot through," said Ernie. "Lifts is one thing, but not taking people through-"

Teatime sighed. "And we were getting on so so well. Listen, Ernie...Ern...you will take us through or, and I say this with very considerable regret, I will have to kill you. You seem a nice man. Conscientious. A very serious overcoat and sensible boots." well. Listen, Ernie...Ern...you will take us through or, and I say this with very considerable regret, I will have to kill you. You seem a nice man. Conscientious. A very serious overcoat and sensible boots."

"But if'n I take you through-"

"What's the worst that can happen?" said Teatime. "You'll lose your job. Whereas if you don't, you'll die. So if you look at it like that, we're actually doing you a favor. Oh, do do say yes." say yes."

"Er..." Ernie's brain felt all twisted. The lad was definitely what Ernie thought of as a toff, and he seemed nice and friendly, but it didn't all add up. The tone and the content didn't match.

"Besides," said Teatime, "if you've been coerced, it's not your fault, is it? No one can blame you. No one could blame anyone anyone who'd been coerced at knife point." who'd been coerced at knife point."

"Oh, well, I s'pose, if we're talking coerced coerced..." Ernie muttered. Going along with things seemed to be the only way.

The horse stopped and stood waiting with the patient look of an animal that probably knows the route better than the driver.

Ernie fumbled in his overcoat pocket and took out a small tin, rather like a snuffbox. He opened it. There was glowing dust inside.

"What do you do with that?" said Teatime, all interest.

"Oh, you just takes a pinch and throws it in the air and it goes twing twing and it opens the soft place," said Ernie. and it opens the soft place," said Ernie.

"So...you don't need any special training or anything?"

"Er...you just chucks it at the wall there and it goes twing twing," said Ernie.

"Really? May I try?"

Teatime took the tin from his unresisting hand and threw a pinch of dust into the air in front of the horse. It hovered for a moment and then produced a narrow, glittering arch in the air. It sparkled and went...

...twing.

"Aw," said a voice behind them. "Innat nice, eh, our Davey?"

"Yeah."

"All pretty sparkles..."

"And then you just drive forward?" said Teatime.

"That's right," said Ernie. "Quick, mind. It only stays open for a little while."

Teatime pocketed the little tin. "Thank you very much, Ernie. Very much indeed."

His other hand lashed out. There was a glint of metal. The carter blinked, and then fell sideways off his seat.

There was silence from behind, tinted with horror and possibly just a little terrible admiration.

"Wasn't he dull dull?" said Teatime, picking up the reins.

Snow began to fall. It fell on the rec.u.mbent shape of Ernie, and it also fell through several hooded gray robes that hung in the air.

There appeared to be nothing inside them. You could believe they were there merely to mark a certain point in s.p.a.ce.

Well, said one, we are frankly impressed.

Indeed, said another. We would never have thought of doing it this this way. way.

He is certainly a resourceful human, said a third.

The beauty of it all, said the first-or it may have been the second, because absolutely nothing distinguished the robes-is that there is so much else we will control.

Quite, said another. It is really amazing how they think. A sort of...illogical logic.

Children, said another. Who would have thought it? But today the children, tomorrow the world.

Give me a child until he is seven and he's mine for life, said another.

There was a dreadful pause.

The consensus beings that called themselves the Auditors did not believe in anything, except possibly immortality. And the way to be immortal, they knew, was to avoid living. Most of all they did not believe in personality. To be a personality was to be a creature with a beginning and an end. And since they reasoned that in an infinite universe any life was by comparison unimaginably short, they died instantly. There was a flaw in their logic, of course, but by the time they found this out it was always too late. In the meantime, they scrupulously avoided any comment, action or experience that set them apart...

You said "me," said one.

Ah. Yes. But, you see, we were quoting, said the other one hurriedly. Some religious person said that. About educating children. And so would logically say "me." But I wouldn't use that term of myself, of-d.a.m.n!

The robe vanished in a little puff of smoke.

Let that be a lesson to us, said one of the survivors, as another and totally indistinguishable robe popped into existence where the stricken colleague had been.

Yes, said the newcomer. Well, it certainly appears- It stopped. A dark shape was approaching through the snow.

It's him him, it said.

They faded hurriedly-not simply vanishing, but spreading out and thinning until they were just lost in the background.