Hogfather Part 43

"We ought to get him out," said the oh G.o.d, running up the steps.

"Why?" Violet demanded. "They are not not very nice people! I know that one. When he brought me food he made...suggestive comments." very nice people! I know that one. When he brought me food he made...suggestive comments."

"Yes, but..." Bilious hadn't ever seen a face like that, outside of a mirror. Chickenwire had looked very, very sick.

He turned the key and opened the doors.

"Oh dear..."

"I don't want to see! I don't want to see!" said Violet, looking over his shoulder.

Bilious reached down and picked up a pair of boots that stood neatly in the middle of the wardrobe's floor.

Then he put them back carefully and walked around the wardrobe. It was plywood. The words "Dratley and Sons, Phedre Road, Ankh-Morpork" were stamped in one corner in faded ink.

"Is it magic?" said Violet nervously.

"I don't know if something magic has the maker's name on it," said Bilious.

"There are are magic wardrobes," said Violet nervously. "If you go into them, you come out in a magic land." magic wardrobes," said Violet nervously. "If you go into them, you come out in a magic land."

Bilious looked at the boots again.

"Um...yes," he said.

I THINK THINK I I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING, said Death.

"Yes, I think you should," said Ridcully. "I've got little devils running round the place eating socks and pencils, earlier tonight we sobered up someone who thinks he's a G.o.d of Hangovers and half my wizards are trying to cheer up the Cheerful Fairy. We We thought something must've happened to the Hogfather. We were right, right?" thought something must've happened to the Hogfather. We were right, right?"

"Hex was right, Archchancellor," Ponder corrected him. was right, Archchancellor," Ponder corrected him.

HEX? WHAT IS H HEX?.

"Er...Hex thinks-that is, calculates calculates-that there's been a big change in the nature of belief today," said Ponder. He felt, he did not know why, that Death was probably not in favor of unliving things that thought.

MR. HEX WAS REMARKABLY ASTUTE. THE H HOGFATHER HAS BEEN...Death paused. THERE IS NO SENSIBLE HUMAN WORD. DEAD, IN A WAY, BUT NOT EXACTLY...A G.o.d CANNOT BE KILLED G.o.d CANNOT BE KILLED. NEVER COMPLETELY KILLED. HE HAS BEEN, SHALL WE SAY, SEVERELY REDUCED.

"Ye G.o.ds!" said Ridcully. "Who'd want to kill off the old boy?"

HE HAS ENEMIES.

"What did he do? Miss a chimney?"

EVERY LIVING THING HAS ENEMIES.

"What, everything?"

YES. EVERYTHING. POWERFUL ENEMIES. BUT THEY HAVE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME. NOW THEY ARE USING PEOPLE.

"Who are?"

THOSE WHO THINK THE UNIVERSE SHOULD BE A LOT OF ROCKS MOVING IN CURVES. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE A AUDITORS?.

"I suppose the Bursar may have done-"

NOT AUDITORS OF MONEY. AUDITORS OF REALITY. THEY THINK OF LIFE AS A STAIN ON THE UNIVERSE. A PESTILENCE PESTILENCE. MESSY. GETTING IN THE WAY.

"In the way of what?"

THE EFFICIENT RUNNING OF THE UNIVERSE.

"I thought it was was run for us...Well, for the Professor of Applied Anthropics, actually, but we're allowed to tag along," said Ridcully. He scratched his chin. "And I could certainly run a marvelous university here if only we didn't have to have these d.a.m.n students underfoot all the time." run for us...Well, for the Professor of Applied Anthropics, actually, but we're allowed to tag along," said Ridcully. He scratched his chin. "And I could certainly run a marvelous university here if only we didn't have to have these d.a.m.n students underfoot all the time."

QUITE SO.

"They want to get rid rid of us?" of us?"

THEY WANT YOU TO BE...LESS...d.a.m.n, I'VE FORGOTTEN THE WORD. UNTRUTHFUL? THE H HOGFATHER IS A SYMBOL OF THIS...Death snapped his fingers, causing echoes to bounce off the walls, and added, WISTFUL LYING WISTFUL LYING?

"Untruthful?" said Ridcully. "Me? I'm as honest as the day is long! Yes, what is it this this time?" time?"

Ponder had tugged at his robe and now he whispered something in his ear. Ridcully cleared his throat.

"I am reminded that this is in fact the shortest day of the year," he said. "However, this does not not undermine the point that I just made, although I thank my colleague for his invaluable support and constant readiness to correct minor if not downright trivial errors. I am a remarkably truthful man, sir. Things said at University council meetings don't count." undermine the point that I just made, although I thank my colleague for his invaluable support and constant readiness to correct minor if not downright trivial errors. I am a remarkably truthful man, sir. Things said at University council meetings don't count."

I MEAN HUMANITY IN GENERAL MEAN HUMANITY IN GENERAL. ER...THE ACT OF TELLING THE UNIVERSE IT IS OTHER THAN IT IS?

"You've got me there," said Ridcully. "Anyway, why're you you doing the job?" doing the job?"

SOMEONE MUST. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT. THEY MUST BE SEEN, AND BELIEVED. BEFORE DAWN, THERE MUST BE ENOUGH BELIEF IN THE H HOGFATHER.

"Why?" said Ridcully.

SO THAT THE SUN WILL COME UP.

The two wizards gawped at him.

I SELDOM JOKE SELDOM JOKE, said Death.

At which point there was a scream of horror.

"That sounded like the Bursar," said Ridcully. "And he's been doing so well up to now."

The reason for the Bursar's scream lay on the floor of his bedroom.

It was a man. He was dead. No one alive had that kind of expression.

Some of the other wizards had got there first. Ridcully pushed his way through the crowd.

"Ye G.o.ds," he said. "What a face! He looks as though he died of fright! What happened?"

"Well," said the Dean, "as far as I can tell, the Bursar opened his wardrobe and found the man inside."

"Really? I wouldn't have said the poor old Bursar was all that frightening."

"No, Archchancellor. The corpse fell out on him."

The Bursar was standing in the corner, wearing his old familiar expression of good-humored concussion.

"You all right, old fellow?" said Ridcully. "What's eleven percent of 1,276?"

"One hundred and forty point three six," said the Bursar promptly.

"Ah, right as rain," said Ridcully cheerfully.

"I don't see why," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "Just because he can do things with numbers doesn't mean everything else is fine."

"Doesn't need to be," said Ridcully. "Numbers is what he has to do. The poor chap might be slightly yo-yo, but I've been reading about it. He's one of these idiot servants."

"Savants," said the Dean patiently. "The word is savants, Ridcully."

"Whatever. Those chaps who can tell you what day of the week the first of Grune was a hundred years ago-"

"-Tuesday-" said the Bursar.

"-but can't tie their boot laces," said Ridcully. "What was a corpse doing in his wardrobe? And no one is to say 'Not a lot,' or anythin' tasteless like that. Haven't had a corpse in a wardrobe since that business with Archchancellor Buckleby."

"We all warned Buckleby that the lock was too stiff," said the Dean.

"Just out of interest, why was the Bursar fiddling with his wardrobe at this time of night?" said Ridcully.

The wizards looked sheepish.

"We were...playing Sardines, Archchancellor," said the Dean.

"What's that?"

"It's like Hide and Seek, but when you find someone you have to squeeze in with them," said the Dean.

"I just want to be clear about this," said Ridcully. "My senior wizards have spent the evening playing Hide and Seek?"

"Oh, not the whole evening," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "We played Grandmother's Footsteps and I Spy for quite a while until the Senior Wrangler made a scene just because we wouldn't let him spell chandelier with an S."

"Party games? You You fellows?" fellows?"

The Dean sidled closer.

"It's Miss Smith," he mumbled. "When we don't join in she bursts into tears."

"Who's Miss Smith?"

"The Cheerful Fairy," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes glumly. "If you don't say yes to everything her lip wobbles like a plate of jelly. It's unbearable."

"We just joined in to stop her weeping," said the Dean. "It's amazing how one woman can be so soggy."

"If we're not cheerful she bursts into tears," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "The Senior Wrangler's doing some juggling for her at the moment."

"But he can't juggle!"

"I think that's cheering her up a bit."

"What you're tellin' me, then, is that my wizards are prancing around playin' children's games just to cheer up some dejected fairy?"

"Er...yes."

"I thought you had to clap your hands and say you believed in 'em," said Ridcully. "Correct me if I'm wrong."

"That's just for the little shiny ones," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "Not for the ones in saggy cardigans with half a dozen hankies stuffed up their sleeves."

Ridcully looked at the corpse again.

"Anyone know who he is? Looks a bit of a ruffian to me. And where's his boots, may I ask?"

The Dean took a small gla.s.s cube from his pocket and ran it over the corpse.

"Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen," he said. "I think he got here by magic."

He rummaged in the man's pockets and pulled out a handful of small white things.

"Ugh," he said.

"Teeth?" said Ridcully. "Who goes around with a pocket full of teeth?"

"A very bad fighter?" said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "I'll go and get Modo to take the poor fellow away, shall I?"

"If we can get a reading off the thaumameter, perhaps Hex-" Ridcully began.

"Now, Ridcully," said the Dean, "I really think there must be some problems that can be resolved without having to deal with that d.a.m.n thinking mill."