Hogfather Part 38

"I just thought he might deliver alphabetically," said Ridcully.

There was a patter of soot in the cold fireplace.

"That's presumably him now, do you think?" Ridcully went on. "Oh, well, I thought we should check-"

Something landed in the ashes. The two wizards stood quietly in the darkness while the figure picked itself up. There was a rustle of paper.

LET ME SEE NOW- There was a click as Ridcully's pipe fell out of his mouth.

"Who the h.e.l.l are you?" he said. "Mr. Stibbons, light a candle!"

Death backed away.

I'M THE H HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER. HO. HO. HO. WHO WOULD YOU EXPECT EXPECT TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY I I ASK ASK?

"No, you're not!"

I AM AM. LOOK, I'VE GOT THE BEARD AND THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING!

"You look extremely extremely thin in the face!" thin in the face!"

I'M...I...I'M NOT WELL. IT'S ALL...YES, IT'S ALL THIS SHERRY. AND RUSHING AROUND. I AM A BIT ILL AM A BIT ILL.

"Terminally, I should say." Ridcully grabbed the beard. There was a tw.a.n.g as the string gave way.

"It's a false beard!"

NO, IT'S NOT, said Death desperately.

"Here's the hooks for the ears, which must have given you you a bit of trouble, I must say!" a bit of trouble, I must say!"

Ridcully flourished the incriminating evidence.

"What were you doing coming down the chimney?" he continued. "Not in marvelous taste, I think."

Death waved a small grubby sc.r.a.p of paper defensively.

OFFICIAL LETTER TO THE H HOGFATHER. SAYS HERE...he began, and then looked at the paper again. WELL, QUITE A LOT, IN FACT. IT'S A LONG LIST. LIBRARY STAMPS, REFERENCE BOOKS, PENCILS, BANANAS...

"The Librarian asked the Hogfather for those things?" said Ridcully. "Why?"

I DON'T KNOW DON'T KNOW, said Death. This was a diplomatic answer. He kept his finger over a reference to the Archchancellor. The orangutan for "duck's bottom" was quite an interesting squiggle.

"I've got plenty in my desk drawer," mused Ridcully. "I'm quite happy to give them out to any chap provided he can prove he's used up the old one."

THEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL?.

"Of course. If he needed essential materials he need only have come to me. No man can tell you I'm an unreasonable chap."

Death checked the list carefully.

THAT IS PRECISELY CORRECT, he confirmed, with anthropological exact.i.tude.

"Except for the bananas, of course. I wouldn't keep fish in my desk."

Death looked down at the list and then back up at Ridcully.

GOOD? he said, in the hope that this was the right response.

Wizards know when they are going to die.* Ridcully had no such premonitions, and to Ponder's horror prodded Death in the cushion. Ridcully had no such premonitions, and to Ponder's horror prodded Death in the cushion.

"Why you you?" he said. "What's happened to the other fellow?"

I SUPPOSE SUPPOSE I I MUST TELL YOU MUST TELL YOU.

In the house of Death, a whisper of shifting sand and the faintest c.h.i.n.k of moving gla.s.s, somewhere in the darkness of the floor...

And, in the dry shadows, the sharp smell of snow and a thud of hooves.

Sideney almost swallowed his tongue when Teatime appeared beside him.

"Are we making progress?"

"Gnk-"

"I'm sorry?" said Teatime.

Sideney recovered himself. "Er...some," he said. "We think we've worked out...er...one lock."

Light gleamed off Teatime's eye.

"I believe there are seven of them?" said the a.s.sa.s.sin.

"Yes, but...they're half magic and half real and half not there...I mean...there's parts of them that don't exist all the time-"

Mr. Brown, who had been working at one of the locks, laid down his pick.

"'t's no good, mister," he said. "Can't even get a purchase with a crowbar. Maybe if I went back to the city and got a couple of dragons we could do something. You can melt through steel with them if you twist their necks right and feed 'em carbon."

"I was told you were the best locksmith in the city," said Teatime.

Behind him, Banjo shifted position.

Mr. Brown looked annoyed...

"Well, yes yes," he said. "But locks don't generally alter 'emselves while you're working on 'em, that's what I'm saying."

"And I I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made," said Teatime. thought you could open any lock anyone ever made," said Teatime.

"Made by humans," said Mr. Brown sharply. "And most dwarfs. I dunno what what made these. You never said anything about magic." made these. You never said anything about magic."

"That's a shame," said Teatime. "Then really I have no more need of your services. You may as well go back home."

"I won't be sorry." Mr. Brown started putting things back into his tool bag. "What about my money?"

"Do I owe you any?"

"I came along with you. I don't see it's my fault that this is all magic business. I should get something something."

"Ah, yes, I see your point," said Teatime. "Of course, you should get what you deserve. Banjo?"

Banjo lumbered forward, and then stopped.

Mr. Brown's hand had come out of the bag holding a crowbar.

"You must think I was born yesterday, you slimy little b.u.g.g.e.r," he said. "I know your type. You think it's all some kind of game. You make little jokes to yourself and you think no one else notices and you think you're so smart. Well, Mr. Teacup, I'm leaving, right? Right now. With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me. And Banjo certainly ain't. I knew old Ma Lilywhite back in the good old days. You think you're nasty? You think you're you're mean? Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you c.o.c.ky little devil. And I worked with her, so you don't scare me and nor does little Banjo, poor sod that he is." mean? Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you c.o.c.ky little devil. And I worked with her, so you don't scare me and nor does little Banjo, poor sod that he is."

Mr. Brown glared at each of them in turn, flourishing the crowbar. Sideney cowered in front of the doors.

He saw Teatime nod gracefully, as if the man had made a small speech of thanks.

"I appreciate your point of view," said Teatime. "And, I have to repeat, it's Teh-ah-tim-eh. Now, please, Banjo."

Banjo loomed over Mr. Brown, reached down and lifted him up by the crowbar so sharply that his feet came out of his boots.

"Here, you know me, Banjo!" the locksmith croaked, struggling in midair. "I remembers you when you was little, I used to sit you on my knee, I often used to work for your ma-"

"D'you like apples?" Banjo rumbled.

Brown struggled.

"You got to say yes," Banjo said.

"Yes!"

"D'you like pears? You got to say yes."

"All right, yes!"

"D'you like falling down the stairs?"

Medium Dave held up his hands for quiet.

He glared at the gang.

"This place is getting to you, right? But we've all been in bad places before, right?"

"Not this bad," said Chickenwire. "I've never been anywhere where it hurts to look at the sky. It give me the creeps."

"Chick's a little baby, nyer nyer nyer," sang Catseye.

They looked at him. He coughed nervously.

"Sorry...don't know why I said that..."

"If we stick together we'll be fine-"

"Eeeny meeny miney mo..." mumbled Catseye.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Sorry...it just sort of slipped out..."

"What I'm trying to say," said Medium Dave, "is that if-"

"Peachy keeps making faces at me!"

"I didn't!"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Two things happened at this point. Medium Dave lost his temper, and Peachy screamed.

A small wisp of smoke was rising from his trousers.

He hopped around, beating desperately at himself.

"Who did that? Who did that?" demanded Medium Dave.

"I didn't see anyone," said Chickenwire. "I mean, no one was near near him. Catseye said 'pants on fire' and next minute-" him. Catseye said 'pants on fire' and next minute-"

"Now he's sucking his thumb!" Catseye jeered. "Nyer nyer nyer! Crying for Mummy! You know what happens to kids who suck their thumbs, there's this big monster with scissors all-"

"Will you stop talking like that!" shouted Medium Dave. "Blimey, it is is like dealing with a bunch of-" like dealing with a bunch of-"

Someone screamed, high above. It went on for a while and seemed to be getting nearer, but then it stopped and was replaced by a rush of thumping and an occasional sound like a coconut being bounced on a stone floor.