Hogfather Part 29

"Oh, no...here we go again again."

The oh G.o.d hesitated.

"What do you mean, you can't walk through the door?" said Susan. "You walked through the door in the bar."

"That was different. I have certain G.o.d-like powers in the presence of alcohol. Anyway, we've knocked and she hasn't answered and whatever happened to Mr. Manners?"

Susan shrugged, and walked through the cheap woodwork. She knew she probably shouldn't. Every time she did something like this she used up a certain amount of, well, normal normal. And sooner or later she'd forget what doork.n.o.bs were for, just like Grandfather.

Come to think of it, he'd never found out out what doork.n.o.bs were for. what doork.n.o.bs were for.

She opened the door from the inside. The oh G.o.d stepped in and looked around. This did not take long. It was not a large room. It had been subdivided from a room that itself hadn't been all that big to start with.

"This is where the Tooth Fairy lives?" Bilious said. "It's a bit...poky, isn't it? Stuff all over the floor...What're these things hanging from this line?" is where the Tooth Fairy lives?" Bilious said. "It's a bit...poky, isn't it? Stuff all over the floor...What're these things hanging from this line?"

"They're...women's clothes," said Susan, rummaging through the paperwork on a small rickety table.

"They're not very big," said the oh G.o.d. "And a bit thin..."

"Tell me," said Susan, without looking up. "These memories you arrived here with...They weren't very complicated, were they...? Ah..."

He looked over her shoulder as she opened a small red notebook.

"I've only talked to Violet a few times," she said. "I think she delivers the teeth somewhere and gets a percentage of the money. It's not a highly paid line of work. You know, they say you can Earn $$$ in Your Spare Time but she says really she could earn more money waiting on tables-Ah, this looks right..."

"What's that?"

"She said she gets given the names every week."

"What, of the children who're going to lose teeth?"

"Yes. Names and addresses," said Susan, flicking through the pages.

"That doesn't sound very likely."

"Pardon me, but are you the G.o.d of Hangovers? Oh, look, here's Twyla's tooth last month." She smiled at the neat gray writing. "She practically hammered it out because she needed the half-dollar."

"Do you like like children?" said the oh G.o.d. children?" said the oh G.o.d.

She gave him a look. "Not raw," she said. "Other people's are okay. Hold on..."

She flicked some pages back and forth.

"There's just blank days," she said. "Look, the last few days, all unticked. No names. But if you go back a week or two, look, they're all properly marked off and the money added up at the bottom of the page, see? And...this can't be right, can it?" can't be right, can it?"

There were only five names entered on the first unticked night, for the previous week. Most children instinctively knew when to push their luck and only the greedy or dentally improvident called out the Tooth Fairy around Hogswatch.

"Read the names," said Susan.

"William Wittles, a.k.a. w.i.l.l.y (home), t.o.s.s.e.r (school), 2nd flr bck bdrm, 68 Kicklebury Street; "Sophie Langtree, a.k.a. Daddy's Princess, attic bdrm, 5 The Hippo; "The Hon. Jeffrey Bibbleton, a.k.a. Trouble in Trousers (home), Foureyes (school), 1st flr bck, s.c.r.o.t.e Manor, Park Lane Trousers (home), Foureyes (school), 1st flr bck, s.c.r.o.t.e Manor, Park Lane-"

He stopped. "I say, this is a bit intrusive, isn't it?"

"It's a whole new world," said Susan. "You haven't got there yet. Keep going."

"Nuhakme Icta, a.k.a. Little Jewel, bas.e.m.e.nt, The Laughing Falafel, Klatchistan Take-Away and All-Nite Grocery, cnr. Soake and Dimwell; "Reginald Lilywhite, a.k.a. Banjo, The Park Lane Bully, Have You Seen This Man? The Goose Gate Grabber, The Nap Hill Lurker, Rm 17, YMPA."

"YMPA?"

"It's what we generally call the Young-Men's-Reformed-Cultists-of-the-Ichor-G.o.d-Bel-Shamharoth a.s.sociation," said Susan. "Does that sound to you like someone who'd expect a visit from a tooth fairy?"

"No."

"Me neither. He sounds like someone who'd expect a visit from the Watch."

Susan looked around. It really was a crummy room, the sort rented by someone who probably took it never intending to stay long, the sort where walking across the floor in the middle of the night would be accompanied by the crack of c.o.c.kroaches in a death flamenco. It was amazing how many people spent their whole lives in places where they never intended to stay.

Cheap, narrow bed, crumbling plaster, tiny window- She opened the window and fished around below the ledge, and felt satisfied when her questing fingers closed on a piece of string which was attached to an oilcloth bag. She hauled it in.

"What's that?" said the oh G.o.d, as she opened it on the table.

"Oh, you see them a lot," said Susan, taking out some packages wrapped in secondhand waxed paper. "You live alone, mice and roaches eat everything, there's nowhere to store food-but outside the window it's cold and safe. More or less safe. It's an old trick. Now...look at this. Leathery bacon, a green loaf and a bit of cheese you could shave. She hasn't been back home for some time, believe me."

"Oh dear. What now?"

"Where would she take the teeth?" said Susan, to the world in general but mainly to herself. "What the h.e.l.l does the Tooth Fairy do do with-" with-"

There was a knock at the door. Susan opened it.

Outside was a small bald man in a long brown coat. He was holding a clipboard and blinked nervously at the sight of her.

"Er" he began.

"Can I help you?" said Susan.

"Er, I saw the light, see. I thought Violet was in," said the little man. He twiddled the pencil that was attached to his clipboard by a piece of string. "Only she's a bit behind with the teeth and there's a bit of money owing and Ernie's cart ain't come back and it's got to go in my report and I come round in case...in case she was ill or something, it not being nice being alone and ill at Hogswatch-"

"She's not here," said Susan.

The man gave her a worried look and shook his head sadly.

"There's nearly thirteen dollars in pillow money, see. I'll have to report it."

"Who to?"

"It has to go higher up, see. I just hope it's not going to be like that business in Quirm where the girl started robbing houses. We never heard the end of that one-"

"Report to who?"

"And there's the ladder and the pliers," the man went on, in a litany against a world that had no understanding of what it meant to have to fill in an AF17 report in triplicate. "How can I keep track of stocktaking if people go around taking stock?" He shook his head. "I dunno, they get the job, they think it's all nice sunny nights, they get a bit of sharp weather and suddenly it's good-bye Charlie I'm off to be a waitress in the warm. And then there's Ernie. I know him. It's a nip to keep out the cold, and then another one to keep it company, and then a third in case the other two get lost...It's all going to have to go down in my report, you know, and who's going to get the blame? I'll tell you-"

"It's going to be you, isn't it?" said Susan. She was almost hypnotized. The man even had a fringe of worried hair and a small, worried mustache. And the voice suggested exactly that here was a man who, at the end of the world, would worry that it would be blamed on him.

"That's right right," he said, but in a slightly grudging voice. He was not about to allow a bit of understanding to lighten his day. "And the girls all go on about the job but I tell them they've got it easy, it's just basic'ly ladder work, they don't have to spend their evenings knee-deep in paper and and making shortfalls good out of their own money, I might add-" making shortfalls good out of their own money, I might add-"

"You employ the tooth fairies?" said Susan quickly. The oh G.o.d was still vertical but his eyes had glazed over.

The little man preened slightly. "Sort of," he said. "Basic'ly I run Bulk Collection and Dispatch-" of," he said. "Basic'ly I run Bulk Collection and Dispatch-"

"Where to?"

He stared at her. Sharp, direct questions weren't his forte.

"I just sees to it they gets on the cart," he mumbled. "When they're on the cart and Ernie's signed the GV19 for 'em, that's it done and finished, only like I said he ain't turned up this week and-"

"A whole cart for a handful of teeth?"

"Well, there's the food for the guards, and-'ere, who are you, anyway? What're you doing here?"

Susan straightened up. "I don't have to put up with this," she said sweetly, to no one in particular. She leaned forward again.

"WHAT CART ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE, CHARLIE?" The oh G.o.d jolted away. The man in the brown coat shot backward and splayed against the corridor wall as Susan advanced.

"Comes Tuesdays," he panted. "'ere, what-"

"AND WHERE DOES IT GO?"

"Dunno! Like I said, when he's-"

"Signed the GV19 for them it's you done and finished," said Susan, in her normal voice. "Yes. You said. What's Violet's full name? She never mentioned it."

The man hesitated.

"I SAID SAID-"

"Violet Bottler!"

"Thank you."

"An' Ernie's gorn, too," said Charlie, continuing more or less on autopilot. "I call that suspicious. I mean, he's got a wife and everything. Won't be the first man to get his head turned by thirteen dollars and a pretty ankle and, o' course, no one thinks about muggins who has to carry the can, I mean, supposing we was all to get it in our heads to run off with young wimmin?"

He gave Susan the stern look of one who, if it was not for the fact that the world needed him, would even now be tiring of painting naked young ladies on some tropical island somewhere.

"What happens to the teeth?" said Susan.

He blinked at her. A bully, thought Susan. A very small, weak, very dull dull bully, who doesn't manage any real bullying because there's hardly anyone smaller and weaker than him, so he just makes everyone's lives just that little bit more difficult... bully, who doesn't manage any real bullying because there's hardly anyone smaller and weaker than him, so he just makes everyone's lives just that little bit more difficult...

"What sort of question is that?" he managed, in the face of her stare.

"You never wondered?" said Susan, and added to herself, I didn't. Did anyone I didn't. Did anyone?

"Well, 's not my job, I just-"

"Oh, yes. You said," said Susan. "Thank you. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much."

The man stared at her, and then turned and ran down the stairs.

"Drat," said Susan.

"That's a very unusual swearword," said the oh G.o.d nervously.

"It's so so easy," said Susan. "If I want to, I can find easy," said Susan. "If I want to, I can find anybody anybody. It's a family trait."

"Oh. Good."

"No. Have you any idea idea how hard it is to be normal? The things you have to remember? How to go to sleep? How to forget things? What doork.n.o.bs are for?" how hard it is to be normal? The things you have to remember? How to go to sleep? How to forget things? What doork.n.o.bs are for?"

Why ask him, she thought, as she looked at his shocked face. All that's normal for him him is remembering to throw up what someone else drank. is remembering to throw up what someone else drank.

"Oh, come on," she said, and hurried toward the stairs.

It was so easy to slip into immortality, to ride the horse, to know everything. And every time you did, it brought closer the day when you could never get off and never forget.

Death was was hereditary. hereditary.

You got it from your ancestors.

"Where are we going now?" said the oh G.o.d.

"Down to the YMPA," said Susan.

The old man in the hovel looked uncertainly at the feast spread in front of him. He sat on his stool as curled up on himself as a spider in a flame.

"I'd got a bit of a mess of beans cooking," he mumbled, looking at his visitors through filmy eyes.

"Good heavens, you can't eat beans beans at Hogswatch," said the king, smiling hugely. "That's terribly unlucky, eating beans at Hogswatch. My word, yes!" at Hogswatch," said the king, smiling hugely. "That's terribly unlucky, eating beans at Hogswatch. My word, yes!"

"Di'nt know that," the old man said, looking down desperately at his lap.

"We've brought you this brought you this magnificent magnificent spread. Don't you think so?" spread. Don't you think so?"