History of English Humour Volume I Part 24

Well, cousin, might I advise you should bestow your fortune in founding a college for the study of philosophy, where none but women should be admitted; and to immortalize your name, they should be called _Valerians_;--ha! ha! ha!

_Val._ What you make a jest of, I'd execute, were fortune in my power.

Her notices of married life are interesting, as she had great experience, having taken for her third husband Mr. Centlivre, cook to Queen Anne. In "The Wonder, a Woman keeps a Secret," we have the following dialogue upon this important subject:

_Col. Britton._ 'Egad, I think I must e'en marry, and sacrifice my body for the good of my soul; wilt thou recommend me to a wife, then--one that is willing to exchange her moydores for English Liberty--ha friend?

_Fred._ She must be very handsome, I suppose?

_Col._ The handsomer the better, but be sure she has a nose.

_Fred._ Ay! ay! and some gold.

_Col._ Oh, very much gold. I shall never be able to swallow the matrimonial pill, if it be not well gilded.

_Fred._ Puh, beauty will make it slide down nimbly.

_Col._ At first, perhaps it may, but the second or third dose will choke me. I confess, Frederick, women are the prettiest playthings in nature; but gold, substantial gold gives 'em the air, the mien, the shape, the grace and beauty of a G.o.ddess.

_Fred._ And has not gold the same divinity in their eyes, Colonel?

_Col._ Too often--money is the very G.o.d of marriage, the poets dress him in a saffron robe by which they figure out the golden Deity, and his lighted torch blazons those mighty charms, which encourage us to list under his banner.

In "The Artifice" we have a matrimonial contention:

_Lucy._ If you two are one flesh, how come you to have different minds, pray, Sir?

_Watchit._ Because the mind has nothing to do with the flesh.

_Mrs. W._ That's your mistake, Sir; the body is governed by the mind. So much philosophy I know.

_Wat._ Yes, yes; I believe you understand natural philosophy very well, wife; I doubt not the flesh has got the better of the spirit in you. Look ye, madam! every man's wife is his vineyard; you are mine, therefore I wall you in. Ods budikins, ne'er a c.o.xcomb in the kingdom shall plant as much as a primrose in my ground.

_Mrs. W._ I am sure your management will produce nothing but thorns.

_Wat._ Nay, every wife is a thorn in her husband's side. Your whole s.e.x is a kind of sweet-briar, and he who meddles with it is sure to p.r.i.c.k his fingers.

_Lucy._ That is when you handle us too roughly.

_Mrs. W._ You are a kind of rue: neither good for smell nor taste.

_Wat._ But very wholesome, wife.

_Mrs. W._ Ay, so they say of all bitters, yet I would not be obliged to feed on gentian and wormwood.

Some subjects are peculiarly suitable for light female humour. In "The Beau's Duel, or a Soldier for the Ladies," we have the following soliloquy by Sir William Mode, a fop, as he stands in his night-gown looking into his gla.s.s:

This rising early is the most confounded thing on earth, nothing so destructive to the complexion. Blister me, how I shall look in the side box to-night, wretchedly upon my soul. [_looking in the gla.s.s all the while._] Yet it adds something of a languishing air, not altogether unbecoming, and by candle light may do mischief; but I must stay at home to recover some colour, and that may be as well laid on too; so 'tis resolved I will go. Oh 'tis unspeakable pleasure to be in the side box, or bow'd to from the stage, and be distinguished by the beaux of quality, to have a lord fly into one's arms, and kiss one as amorously as a mistress. Then tell me aloud, that he dined with his Grace and that he and the ladies were so fond of me, they talked of nothing else. Then says I, "My lord, his Grace does me too much honour." Then, my lord, "This play 'tis not worth seeing; we havn't been seen at t'other house to-night; and the ladies will be disappointed not to receive a bow from Sir William." "He, he, he," says I, "my lord, I wait upon your lordship." "Then," says my lord, "lead the way Sir William." "O, pray my lord, I beg your lordship's pardon." "Nay, Sir William."

"Pray my lord," (_Enter La Riviere, Sir W's valet_). "Pray Sir William." "Pray my lord."

(_As he says this several times La Riviere enters behind him, but as he designs to pa.s.s by him, is still prevented by his turning from one side to t'other, as he acts himself for the lord._)

_La Riv._ Hey! What the devil is he conjuring and talking with invisible lords? He's in his airs, some pleasing imagination hurries him out of his senses. But I must to my cue. Hem! hem! Sir, dere be one two gentlemen below come to wait upon you dis morning, sal I show dem up?

_Sir. W._ No, my lord, by no means, I know better things--

_La Riv._ What then am I a lord? Egad I never knew my quality before. (_Aside._)

_Sir W._ Pshaw! this blockhead has rous'd me from the prettiest entertainment in the world (_Aside_). Well, what would you, Sir?

_La Riv._ I voo'd tell you, Sir, dere be one two gentlemen wait upon you.

_Sir W._ And let 'em wait till I have done. I had a thousand fine things to say on that occasion, but this rude fellow has frightened 'em all out of my head. (_Aside._) Well, since my better diversion is over, show 'em up.

In "The Wonder" we have an amusing scene between Lissardo, servant to Felix, and Flora, maid to Violante. The former had been very sweet upon the latter--telling her that his "chaps watered for a kiss," and that "he would revenge himself on her lips;" but a change comes over him on his being presented by Violante with a ring to be worn for his master's sake.

_Lissardo._ I shall, Madam, (_puts on the ring._) Methinks a diamond ring is a vast addition to the little finger of a gentleman. (_Admiring his hand._)

_Flora._ That ring must be mine. Well, Lissardo, what haste you make to pay off arrears now? Look how the fellow stands!

_Liss._ Egad! methinks I have a very pretty hand--and very white--and the shape! Faith! I never minded it so much before! In my opinion it is a very fine shaped hand, and becomes a diamond ring as well as the first grandee's in Portugal.

_Flo._ The man's transported! Is this your love? This your impatience?

_Liss._ (_Takes snuff._) Now in my mind, I take snuff with a very jaunty air. Well, I am persuaded I want nothing but a coach and a t.i.tle to make me a very fine gentleman.

(_Struts about._)

_Flo._ Sweet Mr. Lissardo, (_curtseying_,) if I may presume to speak to you, without affronting your little finger--

_Liss._ Do so, Madam, I ask your pardon. Is it to me or to the ring you direct your discourse, Madam?

_Flo._ Madam! Good lack! how much a diamond ring improves one!

_Liss._ Why, tho' I say it, I can carry myself as well as anybody.

But what wert thou going to say, child?

_Flo._ Why, I was going to say, that I fancy you had best let me keep that ring; it will be a very pretty wedding-ring.

_Liss._ Would it not? Humph! Ah! But--but--but--I believe I shan't marry yet a while.

_Flo._ You shan't, you say; very well! I suppose you design that ring for Inis?

_Liss._ No, no, I never bribe an old acquaintance. Perhaps I might let it sparkle in the eyes of a stranger a little, till we come to a right understanding. But then, like all other mortal things, it would return from whence it came.

_Flo._ Insolent! Is that your manner of dealing?

_Liss._ With all but thee--kiss me, you little rogue, you.