Hints for Lovers Part 32

or what is entailed upon her by that thing called an "engagement". She has played with love so much, that when a real and serious love is offered her, she still thinks it the toy that amused her. But

Soon enough does the man, if he is earnest--and a man never proposes unless he is in earnest--enlighten the girl of his choice: for

To a man, love never is a toy--though mere l.u.s.t may be:

Men never play with love, as do girls: they play with l.u.s.t,--as they play with bats and b.a.l.l.s and fire-arms;

When men fall in love, they fall in love with a vengeance; and

The seriousness with which the man falls in love startles the girl.

The man demands so much; is so exacting' so peremptory; so unyielding; so frightfully selfish; so terribly jealous of the slightest look or smile or gesture bestowed upon any other than he, that the girl ... ...

well, the girl probably begins to think, either that the man is an unreasonable brute, or that her girlish notions of love were somewhat astray. Then one or two things happens: either the man goes off in a huff; or the girl mends her ways.

The recurrence of a love is a great shock to love. Love thinks itself a think unique, unalterable, supreme; a thing not made out of the flux and change of earthly affairs, but heaven-born and descended from the skies; that it should go and come seems to destroy the fundamental conception of love.

The affianced man thinks he has won him the sweetest, the most sacrosanct thing that ever trode G.o.d's earth outside of Eden: a bundle of blisses, a compact little ma.s.s of exquisite mysteries, whose every tint and curve and motion are to him sources of wonderment and delight; he is at once humbled and exalted; he thanks high Heaven for the gift; for that comport himself worthy of such gift; for that this wondrous and mysterious little thing called "a woman" should of her own accord put herself in his arms, to be by him and by him alone cherished and nurtured till death them do part--this indeed gives the mail heart a very sobering, a very enn.o.bling thrill; for beneath the heaving breast he so pa.s.sionately loves, behind the eyes into the depths of which he so pa.s.sionately looks, there stirs, he knows, that ineffable, that indefinable thing, a woman's heart; and that TO HIM has been committed the keeping of that heart--this rouses in him the manly virtues as no other thing rouses them. Strong is the man who can live up to these emotions; sage the woman who knows what she has aroused.

The philanderer or the flirt--to whom love-making and love-taking have been a pasttime--is appalled at the seriousness of love when real love is offered him or her. For often enough

The philanderer or the flirt thinks compliments and cajolery the food of love: in time they discover that love is a veritable sarcophagus!

Many an accepted lover (both masculine and feminine) tries to make up for coldness of pa.s.sion by warmness of affection: a subterfuge of dubious efficacy. For though

Affection seeks affection, pa.s.sion is only appeased by pa.s.sion. Yet

When one loves pa.s.sionately, and the other languidly accepts, it is well perhaps for that other sometimes to be a little "unfaithful to the truth"

(1) and to simulate an unfelt ardor. But, always this is of questionable value, for

Love abhors simulation of anything even of ardor.

(1) Tennyson, "Love and Duty".

If mutual confidence is not established at the moment of betrothal, it will never afterwards be established. And

Woeful will be the plight of those between whom mutual confidence is not then established. For

Mutual confidence is the only atmosphere in which love can breathe.

An engaged man, like a hungry man, is an irascible man. And How often a fiancee is sore put to it, not only to satisfy him, but to pacify him!

A woman will often blandly ask why the two rivals to her hand should not be friends! Yet it is significant of much that she does her utmost to keep them apart! Indeed,

In no instance are a woman's tact and finesse so exercised as in playing off one man against another.--And yet usually she delights in the task; for

Being-made-love-to is to women what killing--whether of men or of animals--is to men. In a word,

To be sought after is to woman what war or the chase is to man.

The woman a woman accepts a man, then and there he becomes her lord and master. And this she unconsciously knows--nay, expects. If the man does not then and there exercise his lordship and show his mastery, he will find it difficult to do it later on. But of course

No woman will ever be got to admit that her newly-won man is her master.

Nevertheless it is counsel that every man should lay to heart, for

Unless a woman is dominated (N.E. not dominated over), she tries to get the upper hand. And

Only two instances there are in which the woman should retain the upper hand: when the man is either a philosopher or a fool;

When a man is both (and the combination is not uncommon), she would be a fool if she did not retain the upper hand! But

Little does a woman esteem him to does not sway--nay, who does not sacrifice, it may be: her to his will.

Of that engaged pair who can confidingly speak the one t the other of the dawn of their mutual attraction, little need be feared; if they cannot, very much may be feared. For

Love, without confidence, is as defunct as faith without works. For

If M cannot confide in N, it probably means that K and L have, or that O and P will.

So tremendous are the results of the gift of self that Nature herself seems to have ordained that the feminine sacrifice shall be utter and complete. For,

A man's interests may be many and and behold, a bold girl will appear and carry off the shy man! Perhaps to the life-long chagrin and sorrow of all three.

Often, oh! how often, an awkward and sophisticated youth and a prim maid with down-cast eyes will sit together, waltz together, and the one never get one inch the nearer to the other, though soul and mind and body crave a closer union. The youth would give the solid earth--nay, the solid earth would be naught--to gain him the courage to clasp the maiden to his breast; yet, so intense his awe, he would not strain a spider's web to risk the maid's good will.--The maid--who shall say what pa.s.ses in her mind? That the youth should adventure, she could wish; yet his very hesitancy bespeaks his devotion true. Were he to fall about her neck, embrace her close, and demand the kiss of love--most like she would recoil aghast--at first! Yet if he desisted--she would also recoil aghast.--What should he do, poor awkward youth? what she?--One thing onlookers will do: smile, and simper, and smile again; but in their inmost heart of hearts they will envy that awkward youth, that simple maid. For because, in this the first symptoms of unsolicited and reciprocal love, they will recognize something of the divine and mystical nature of Love itself, of Love untrammeled by convention or law; of Love itself, in its purity, its intensity, its diffidence, its terrifying yet restraining force.

Ah! Love, not in every conflict art thou victor crowned. (2)

(2) Eros anikate machan.--Sophocles, Antigone, 781