Hero-Type Part 18

The key to Brookdale dangles there. Reminding me: Hero. Zero. Liar. And worse.

d.a.m.n. I'm starting to hate this thing.

After school, the truly bizarre happens: Leah marches up to me in the parking lot. I look around quickly-there aren't many people around, and most of them are seniors, who have better things to do, I guess, than watch me.

"Are you still coming Friday?" she asks, and I can't read what's in her eyes as she asks it. Which is no big surprise. If I was able to read her eyes at all, I would have known enough to ask her out a couple of years ago. Or just plain given up.

"Do you still want me to?" I say it really mean, with every last ounce of mean in my body. I load it down with mean. She deserves it, Miss Flirty-with-Idiot-Riordon.

The meanness goes right over her head, because she looks at me kinda shocked. "Of course I do! Why wouldn't I?"

And then, before I can point out exactly why, she says, "I really admire what you're saying. What you're doing. So please come."

"Leah..."

"Look, I know you don't necessarily get along with all of my friends. I'm not stupid. But I don't let my friends tell me who to hang out with or who to like. Besides, you owe me a favor."

My jaw drops. Oh, c.r.a.p! What is she talking about? What does she know?

She laughs, and it's this great, innocent, friendly laugh. "I'm joking! I owe you, Kevin. I owe you everything. So let me start by making sure you have fun Friday, OK?" She hugs me quickly, so quickly that I don't even have a chance to register fear or excitement over it, and then she traipses off to her car before I can come up with a response.

I'm now officially weirded out. It was unofficial before, but now all of the papers have been stamped.

I don't get it. She hangs on Riordon's every word, worships the ground he walks on, flirts with him ... But she admires what I'm doing? What I'm saying?

What world am I living in, and do the trees grow upside down here?

Gah! I kick my tire just because I can, and it makes me feel better. Then I drive to the Burger Joint. It's one of the restaurants that offered me free meals for life. t.i.t and Speedo wanted to meet there and chill.

As soon as I walk in, though, I'm nervous. What if Carl has changed his mind after my recent, you know, apostasy? Late afternoon, the place is almost empty before the dinner rush. Carl spies me and comes around the counter, wiping his greasy hands on the once-white ap.r.o.n that covers his enormous belly. "Hey, hey, it's Batman!" he says. He snaps his fingers to one of his wage-slaves. "Batman here gets whatever he wants, on the house. These guys, the Robins"-he points over my shoulder at t.i.t and Speedo, who've just come in-"gotta pay."

We sit down. I feel bad about all the free food I scammed from Carl when I worked here a couple of summers ago. But not too bad-I order more food than I can eat and share it with t.i.t and Speedo.

They both know about being shot down by the Doc already. Speedo hoists his c.o.ke for a toast. "You had a good run, Kross. You tried. L'chaim."

"Skol," says t.i.t, and downs his Dr Pepper.

"I don't want this to be the end, though, guys. I want to keep it up."

Speedo laughs. When he laughs, he gets a double chin. We call it his face flab. "Oh, yeah. Good idea. No offense, but you weren't exactly raking in the converts, you know?"

"I had one." I say it under my breath, but they hear me anyway.

"Who?" says t.i.t.

"Yeah, who?"

"No one. Never mind." I'm not going to tell them about Leah. It's useless.

"Come on. Who?"

"Who?"

I'm resolute. But it's tough to keep things from a Fool, because, basically, we're really d.a.m.n annoying. Five seconds later, t.i.t is singing "Who?" at the top of his lungs and Speedo is making like an owl.

"Whooooo? Whooooo? Ah-whooooooo!"

"Who-who-who! Who-who-who!"

We start getting looks from the few people here. "Guys, cut it out."

t.i.t accompanies himself with a drumbeat on the table. Speedo leans back and owl-calls to the ceiling at the top of his lungs.

"Whooooo?" b.u.m-b.u.m-b.u.m. "Whooooo?" b.u.m-b.u.m-b.u.m. "Ah-whooooooo!" b.u.m-b.u.m-b.u.mb.u.m!

"Who-who-who! Who-who-WHO!"

"OK, OK! I give! Jeez!"

"Spill." t.i.t's eyes shine. As soon as I say Leah's name, they widen.

Speedo's shocked, too, but only t.i.t can truly understand how big a deal this is.

"So is she gonna say something?" Speedo asks.

"I doubt it. She's not getting involved." Because she's got the hots for Riordon, I don't add.

Speedo whistles. t.i.t hasn't said a word. He just looks at me like ... I don't know.

When Speedo goes to the bathroom, t.i.t leans over the table, leans in close. "Kross. I'm just gonna say this once. All this stuff you're doing and you've been doing: Are you sure you're doing it for the right reasons?"

I almost give him a serious verbal smackdown, but here's what stops me: No. I'm not sure.

An hour later, stuffed to the gills with way more food than any three people should be able to eat at one sitting (paid for with way less money than is reasonable), we split up in the parking lot. I pull my keys out of my pocket and stand there for a second, mesmerized by the key to Brookdale.

I remember looking at it before, when I was with Fam. Listening to Fam. Listening while she prattled on about...

About...

Sweden...

And then, amazingly, the key opens something. It opens my brain right up and it hits me: The perfect idea. To wake people up, to make a point that they can't ignore. It's scary and it's genius.

So I stand there for a minute, just totally buzzing-vibrating-with this great idea and no one to tell it to. I need to tell Flip. And Fam. They're probably together and I would call them on their cells ... if I had a cell.

(Well, actually, I have thirty-seven cell phones back home. But none of them works. Thanks, Dad.) Terrific. Here I am, busting with a great idea, and there's no one around to tell it to. I clench my keys in my fist until my fingers scream in pain, and then I have no choice but to get into the car and drive away.

Chapter 26.

There's this Girl ...

Still psyched about my idea, I cruise over to the mayor's car dealership because I have to fill out some final paperwork. The mayor isn't happy to see me. I know this because when I get out of the car he shakes his head and says, "I can't say I'm happy to see you."

I get some lecture-y talk about respect and such, about how he bent over backwards to give me such a great deal on the car and would it really hurt me to leave the ribbons there, and you know, Kevin, my name is on that car, too, right here on the little plaque on the b.u.mper, so when you drive it, you speak for me, too, and look at this, it's all scratched up already and I don't know, Kevin, I really thought you were different, I really, really did.

In the end, there's some kind of paperwork snafu and he claims that he needs to hold on to the car for a day or two to process some kind of warranty information, which I think is total bull, especially since he's got this smarmy grin on his face the whole time, but what am I supposed to do about it?

So now I'm car-less.

The car people let me use their phone to call Flip.

Flip, fortunately, has a lot of free time on his hands. Which is why he's in charge of the Council. "Idle hands are the Fool's playthings," he's said to me a million times, which is kind of annoying because I know what the saying is really, and it makes me wonder if some of the other stuff he says that sounds so smart and so original is really just gakked from other people.

So anyway, he's cool with picking me up and chauffeuring me around a little bit. He comes over in his beat-up orange coupe. Fam's riding shotgun, but Flip makes her get in the back so that I can sit up front.

I don't really like that. I don't know why I don't like it, but it bugs me. Always has. Why can't she sit up front? But because I'm me, of course I don't say anything.

"So, I've got this great idea for a Council prank," Flip says as we pull out of the lot.

"Hold on. Me, too."

Flip frowns. He's the leader, after all.

"That's great, Kross. My idea is that on Friday we go to SAMMPark-"

"I can't do Friday."

"Council meeting Friday," Flip goes on, as if he hasn't heard a word I've said. "Officer s.e.xpot is going to take things to the next level, and your presence is requested."

"Flip, I can't do Friday. Really. And my idea-"

"Dial it back to chill, Kross. Everything else has merely been a prelude. This is going to be the true return of Officer s.e.xpot. up till now, we've been d.i.c.king with national issues. But that doesn't really hit people where they live-Friday we're gonna wake Brookdale up."

"That's great, but listen, Flip. If you do my idea, you'll get a lot more attention."

"All this patriotic c.r.a.p is boring," he goes on. "There's only so much humor in it, you know? Besides, it's too easy. There's nothing s.e.xy about it. No imagination. 'Oh, boo-hoo! Someone doesn't love America! Oh, woe is me!' Whatever."

I grit my teeth. Flip just hates it when he's not in control, and right now he isn't. He's not in charge of anything. I'm tempted to tell him that, but I still need him. "Look, there's a lot we can do with the patriotic stuff. There's a lot of good points to be made."

"We make mischief, not points."

"I thought we were supposed to do both at the same time. Isn't that why we do any of this?"

He shrugs. "We do the things I say we do."

I can't win. "I'm telling you, my idea is better. And seriously, I can't do anything Friday anyway."

It finally sinks in. Flip glances over at me and raises an eyebrow, something he thinks makes him look very adult but actually only makes him look very lopsided. "Excuse me, Fool Kross? Are you really bailing on the Council and the ultimate triumph of Officer s.e.xpot?"

"I have a party to go to." Ugh. As soon as it's out of my mouth, it sounds ridiculous. I have a party to go to. Like I'm a starlet or something.

"A night with Dionysus or a night with Loki. It's your choice, Kross."

Man, I hate when he does that. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"A party happens and then it ends." Now he sounds like a professor somewhere. "You go, you drink, you potentially get laid"-he looks over at me again, as if appraising my chances and wondering what's lower than zero-"and then the next day it's over and that's it.

"But a night with the Council lives in infamy. This latest exploit of Officer s.e.xpot's will be the piece de resistance, the tte--tte, the creme de la creme of Foolish behavior."

I believe him. I really do. Flip doesn't do anything halfway, and if he's got something new worked up for Officer s.e.xpot, then I'm sure it's better than the other Officer s.e.xpot pranks we've pulled this year. But it's Leah. How do I explain that to him?

I give it a really lame shot: "There's this girl..." And I stop because Fam's in the back seat and you don't talk about chicks when other chicks are present. That's pretty high on the Guy Rule List. And besides, where do I go from there? There's this girl and she doesn't give a c.r.a.p about me, but I follow her around like a stupid puppy dog anyway... I'm an idiot.

"Ah! Are you in love, Kross? Are you? Because that would be a supremely foolish thing to do at your age." I hear no capital letter that time. And by the way-oh, please. He's only a year older than I am. "You should be thinking of many, many girls, dancing wenches garbed for your pleasure. Don't let yourself be nailed down to one chick. Not only are there plenty of fish in the sea, but dolphins and other mammals as well."

Maybe compared to a male porpoise I'm somehow desirable, but I don't think that's what he's aiming for.

"Look, Flip, that's all great, but can I just tell you my idea?"

He nods. "If you must."

So I lay it all out for him. I've got it all figured out, even where to get the materials. Flip follows along, saying nothing.

"...and everyone will think I did it," I tell him, "but I'll be at the party with tons of witnesses, so no one will know."

He pulls the car into my driveway. "I don't know, Kross."

"Flip! Come on, man. It's genius."

"Well, sure. But I don't get it. How is it funny?"

"It's not supposed to be funny. It's making a point."

"So ... how is that funny?"

"Flip!" I'm gonna rip my hair right out of my head.