Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage: Stories Part 5

He said that he had had some idea of going to British Columbia, to Salmon Arm, where he had a friend who had told him one time he could have a job managing orchards. But he couldn't go because the car needed new tires and work done on it before he could undertake a long trip, and he was spending all he had just to live. Then the hotel had fallen into his lap.

"Like a ton of bricks," she said. "Tires and fixing the car would be a better investment than sinking anything into this place. It would be a good idea to get out there before the snow comes. And ship the furniture by rail again, to make use of it when we get there. We have got all we need to furnish a home."

"It's maybe not all that firm of an offer."

She said, "I know. But it'll be all right."

He understood that she did know, and that it was, it would be, all right. You could say that a case like his was right up her alley.

Not that he wouldn't be grateful. He 'd got to a point where grat.i.tude wasn't a burden, where it was natural-especially when it wasn't demanded.

Thoughts of regeneration were starting. This is the change I need. He had said that before, but surely there was one time when it would be true. The mild winters, the smell of the evergreen forests and the ripe apples. All we need to make a home.

He has his pride, she thought. That would have to be taken account of. It might be better never to mention the letters in which he had laid himself open to her. Before she came away, she had destroyed them. In fact she had destroyed each one as soon as she 'd read it over well enough to know it by heart, and that - 51*

didn't take long. One thing she surely didn't want was for them ever to fall into the hands of young Sabitha and her shifty friend.

Especially the part in the last letter, about her nightgown, and being in bed. It wasn't that such things wouldn't go on, but it might be thought vulgar or sappy or asking for ridicule, to put them on paper.

She doubted they'd see much of Sabitha. But she would never thwart him, if that was what he wanted.

This wasn't really a new experience, this brisk sense of expansion and responsibility. She 'd felt something the same for Mrs. Willets-another fine-looking, flighty person in need of care and management. Ken Boudreau had turned out to be a bit more that way than she was prepared for, and there were the differences you had to expect with a man, but surely there was nothing in him that she couldn't handle.

After Mrs. Willets her heart had been dry, and she had considered it might always be so. And now such a warm commotion, such busy love.

Mr. McCauley died about two years after Johanna's departure.

His funeral was the last one held in the Anglican church. There was a good turnout for it. Sabitha-who came with her mother's cousin, the Toronto woman-was now self-contained and pretty and remarkably, unexpectedly slim. She wore a sophisticated black hat and did not speak to anybody unless they spoke to her first. Even then, she did not seem to remember them.

The death notice in the paper said that Mr. McCauley was survived by his granddaughter Sabitha Boudreau and his son-inlaw Ken Boudreau, and Mr. Boudreau's wife Johanna, and their infant son Omar, of Salmon Arm, B.C.

Edith's mother read this out-Edith herself never looked at the local paper. Of course, the marriage was not news to either of them-or to Edith's father, who was around the corner in the - 52*

front room, watching television. Word had got back. The only news was Omar.

"Her with a baby, " Edith's mother said.

Edith was doing her Latin translation at the kitchen table. Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi- In the church she had taken the precaution of not speaking to Sabitha first, before Sabitha could not speak to her.

She was not really afraid, anymore, of being found out- though she still could not understand why they hadn't been. And in a way, it seemed only proper that the antics of her former self should not be connected with her present self-let alone with the real self that she expected would take over once she got out of this town and away from all the people who thought they knew her. It was the whole twist of consequence that dismayed her-it seemed fantastical, but dull. Also insulting, like some sort of joke or inept warning, trying to get its hooks into her. For where, on the list of things she planned to achieve in her life, was there any mention of her being responsible for the existence on earth of a person named Omar?

Ignoring her mother, she wrote, "You must not ask, it is forbidden for us to know-"

She paused, chewing her pencil, then finished off with a chill of satisfaction, "-what fate has in store for me, or for you-"

- 53*

Floating Bridge One time she had left him. The immediate reason was fairly trivial. He had joined a couple of the Young Offenders (Yo-yos was what he called them) in gobbling up a gingerbread cake she had just made and intended to serve after a meeting that evening.

Un.o.bserved-at least by Neal and the Yo-yos-she had left the house and gone to sit in a three-sided shelter on the main street, where the city bus stopped twice a day. She had never been in there before, and she had a couple of hours to wait. She sat and read everything that had been written on or cut into those wooden walls. Various initials loved each other 4 ever. Laurie G.

sucked c.o.c.k. Dunk Cultis was a f.a.g. So was Mr. Garner (Math).

Eat s.h.i.t H.W. Gange rules. Skate or Die. G.o.d hates filth. Kevin S. is Dead Meat. Amanda W. is beautiful and sweet and I wish they did not put her in jail because I miss her with all my heart. I want to f.u.c.k V.P. Ladies have to sit here and read this disgusting dirty things what you write.

Looking at this barrage of human messages-and puzzling in particular over the heartfelt, very neatly written sentence concerning Amanda W., Jinny wondered if people were alone when they wrote such things. And she went on to imagine herself sitting here or in some similar place, waiting for a bus, alone, as she would surely be if she went ahead with the plan she was set on now. Would she be compelled to make statements on public walls?

- 54*

She felt herself connected at present with the way people felt when they had to write certain things down-she was connected by her feelings of anger, of petty outrage (perhaps it was petty?), and her excitement at what she was doing to Neal, to pay him back. But the life she was carrying herself into might not give her anybody to be angry at, or anybody who owed her anything, anybody who could possibly be rewarded or punished or truly affected by what she might do. Her feelings might become of no importance to anybody but herself, and yet they would be bulging up inside her, squeezing her heart and breath.

She was not, after all, somebody people flocked to in the world. And yet she was choosy, in her own way.

The bus was still not in sight when she got up and walked home.

Neal was not there. He was returning the boys to the school, and by the time he got back somebody had already arrived, early for the meeting. She told him what she 'd done when she was well over it and it could be turned into a joke. In fact, it became a joke she told in company-leaving out or just describing in a general way the things she 'd read on the walls-many times.

"Would you ever have thought to come after me?" she said to Neal.

"Of course. Given time."

The oncologist had a priestly demeanor and in fact wore a black turtle-necked shirt under a white smock-an outfit that suggested he had just come from some ceremonial mixing and dosing. His skin was young and smooth-it looked like b.u.t.terscotch. On the dome of his head there was just a faint black growth of hair, a delicate sprouting, very like the fuzz Jinny was sporting herself. Though hers was brownish-gray, like mouse fur. At first Jinny had wondered if he could possibly be a patient as well as a doctor.

- 55*

Then, whether he had adopted this style to make the patients more comfortable. More likely it was a transplant. Or just the way he liked to wear his hair.

You couldn't ask him. He came from Syria or Jordan or some place where doctors kept their dignity. His courtesies were frigid.

"Now," he said. "I do not wish to give a wrong impression."

She went out of the air-conditioned building into the stunning glare of a late afternoon in August in Ontario. Sometimes the sun burned through, sometimes it stayed behind thin clouds-it was just as hot either way. The parked cars, the pavement, the bricks of the other buildings, seemed positively to bombard her, as if they were all separate facts thrown up in ridiculous sequence.

She did not take changes of scene very well these days, she wanted everything familiar and stable. It was the same with changes of information.

She saw the van detach itself from its place at the curb and make its way down the street to pick her up. It was a light-blue, shimmery, sickening color. Lighter blue where the rust spots had been painted over. Its stickers said I KNOW I DRIVE A WRECK, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE MY HOUSE, and HONOUR THY MOTHER-EARTH, and (this was more recent) USE PEstICIDE, KILL WEEDS, PROMOTE CANCER.

Neal came around to help her.

"She 's in the van," he said. There was an eager note in his voice that registered vaguely as a warning or a plea. A buzz around him, a tension, that told Jinny it wasn't time to give him her news, if news was what you'd call it. When Neal was around other people, even one person other than Jinny, his behavior changed, becoming more animated, enthusiastic, ingratiating.

Jinny was not bothered by that anymore-they had been together for twenty-one years. And she herself changed-as a reaction, she used to think-becoming more reserved and slightly ironic. Some masquerades were necessary, or just too - 56*

habitual to be dropped. Like Neal's antique appearance-the bandanna headband, the rough gray ponytail, the little gold earring that caught the light like the gold rims 'round his teeth, and his s.h.a.ggy outlaw clothes.

While she had been seeing the doctor, he had been picking up the girl who was going to help them with their life now. He knew her from the Correctional Inst.i.tute for Young Offenders, where he was a teacher and she had worked in the kitchen. The Correctional Inst.i.tute was just outside the town where they lived, about twenty miles away from here. The girl had quit her kitchen job a few months ago and taken a job looking after a farm household where the mother was sick. Somewhere not far from this larger town. Luckily she was now free.

"What happened to the woman?" Jinny had said. "Did she die?"

Neal said, "She went into the hospital."

"Same deal."

They had had to make a lot of practical arrangements in a fairly short time. Clear the front room of their house of all the files, the newspapers and magazines containing relevant articles that had not yet been put on disk-these had filled the shelves lining the room up to the ceiling. The two computers as well, the old typewriters, the printer. All this had to find a place- temporarily, though n.o.body said so-in somebody else 's house.

The front room would become the sickroom.

Jinny had said to Neal that he could keep one computer, at least, in the bedroom. But he had refused. He did not say, but she understood, that he believed there would not be time for it.

Neal had spent nearly all his spare time, in the years she had been with him, organizing and carrying out campaigns. Not just political campaigns (those too) but efforts to preserve historic buildings and bridges and cemeteries, to keep trees from being cut down both along the town streets and in isolated patches of - 57*

old forest, to save rivers from poisonous runoff and choice land from developers and the local population from casinos. Letters and pet.i.tions were always being written, government departments lobbied, posters distributed, protests organized. The front room was the scene of rages of indignation (which gave people a lot of satisfaction, Jinny thought) and confused propositions and arguments, and Neal's nervy buoyancy. And now that it was suddenly emptied, it made her think of when she first walked into the house, straight from her parents' split-level with the swag curtains, and thought of all those shelves filled with books, wooden shutters on the windows, and those beautiful Middle Eastern rugs she always forgot the name of, on the varnished floor. The Ca.n.a.letto print she had bought for her room at college on the one bare wall. Lord Mayor's Day on the Thames. She had actually put that up, though she never noticed it anymore.

They rented a hospital bed-they didn't really need it yet, but it was better to get one while you could because they were often in short supply. Neal thought of everything. He hung up some heavy curtains that were discards from a friend's family room.

They had a pattern of tankards and horse bra.s.ses and Jinny thought them very ugly. But she knew now that there comes a time when ugly and beautiful serve pretty much the same purpose, when anything you look at is just a peg to hang the unruly sensations of your body on, and the bits and pieces of your mind.

She was forty-two, and until recently she had looked younger than her age. Neal was sixteen years older than she was. So she had thought that in the natural course of things she would be in the position he was in now, and she had sometimes worried about how she would manage it. Once when she was holding his hand in bed before they went to sleep, his warm and present hand, she had thought that she would hold, or touch this hand, at least once, when he was dead. And she would not be able to believe in that fact. The fact of his being dead and powerless. No matter - 58*

how long this state had been foreseen, she would not be able to credit it. She would not be able to believe that, deep down, he had not some knowledge of this moment. Of her. To think of him not having that brought on a kind of emotional vertigo, the sense of a horrid drop.

And yet-an excitement. The unspeakable excitement you feel when a galloping disaster promises to release you from all responsibility for your own life. Then for shame you must compose yourself and stay very quiet.

"Where are you going?" he had said, when she withdrew her hand.

"No place. Just turning over."

She didn't know if Neal had any such feeling, now that it had happened to be her. She had asked him if he had got used to the idea yet. He shook his head.

She said, "Me neither."

Then she said, "Just don't let the Grief Counselors in. They could be hanging around already. Wanting to make a preemptive strike."

"Don't harrow me," he said, in a voice of rare anger.

"Sorry."

"You don't always have to take the lighter view."

"I know," she said. But the fact was that with so much going on and present events grabbing so much of her attention, she found it hard to take any view at all.

"This is Helen," Neal said. "This is who is going to look after us from now on. She won't stand for any nonsense, either."

"Good for her," said Jinny. She put out her hand, once she was sitting down. But the girl might not have seen it, low down between the two front seats.

Or she might not have known what to do. Neal had said that she came from an unbelievable situation, an absolutely barbaric family. Things had gone on that you could not imagine going on in this day and age. An isolated farm, a dead mother and a mentally deficient daughter and a tyrannical, deranged - 59*

incestuous old father, and the two girl children. Helen the older one, who had run away at the age of fourteen after beating up on the old man. She had been sheltered by a neighbor who phoned the police, and the police had come and got the younger sister and made both children wards of the Children's Aid. The old man and his daughter-that is, their mother and their father- were both placed in a Psychiatric Hospital. Foster parents took Helen and her sister, who were mentally and physically normal.

They were sent to school and had a miserable time there, having to be put into the first grade. But they both learned enough to be employable.

When Neal had started the van up the girl decided to speak.

"You picked a hot enough day to be out in," she said. It was the sort of thing she might have heard people say to start a conversation. She spoke in a hard, flat tone of antagonism and distrust, but even that, Jinny knew by now, should not be taken personally. It was just the way some people sounded- particularly country people-in this part of the world.

"If you're hot you can turn the air-conditioner on," Neal said.

"We 've got the old-fashioned kind-just roll down all the windows."

The turn they made at the next corner was one Jinny had not expected.

"We have to go to the hospital," Neal said. "Don't panic.

Helen's sister works there and she 's got something Helen wants to pick up. Isn't that right, Helen?"

Helen said, "Yeah. My good shoes."

"Helen's good shoes." Neal looked up at the mirror. "Miss Helen Rosie 's good shoes."

"My name 's not Helen Rosie," said Helen. It seemed as if she was saying this not for the first time.

"I just call you that because you have such a rosy face," Neal said.

"I have not."

- 60*

"You do. Doesn't she, Jinny? Jinny agrees with me, you've got a rosy face. Miss Helen Rosie-face."

The girl did have a tender pink skin. Jinny had noticed as well her nearly white lashes and eyebrows, her blond baby-wool hair, and her mouth, which had an oddly naked look, not just the normal look of a mouth without lipstick. A fresh-out-of-the-egg look was what she had, as if there was one layer of skin still missing, and one final growth of coa.r.s.er grown-up hair. She must be susceptible to rashes and infections, quick to show sc.r.a.pes and bruises, to get sores around the mouth and sties between her white lashes. Yet she didn't look frail. Her shoulders were broad, she was lean but large-framed. She didn't look stupid, either, though she had a head-on expression like a calf 's or a deer's. Everything must be right at the surface with her, her attention and the whole of her personality coming straight at you, with an innocent and-to Jinny-a disagreeable power.

They were going up the long hill to the hospital-the same place where Jinny had had her operation and undergone the first bout of chemotherapy. Across the road from the hospital buildings there was a cemetery. This was a main road and whenever they used to pa.s.s this way-in the old days when they came to this town just for shopping or the rare diversion of a movie-Jinny would say something like "What a discouraging view" or "This is carrying convenience too far."

Now she kept quiet. The cemetery didn't bother her. She realized it didn't matter.

Neal must realize that too. He said into the mirror, "How many dead people do you think there are in that cemetery?"

Helen didn't say anything for a moment. Then-rather sullenly-"I don't know."

"They're all dead in there."

"He got me on that too," said Jinny. "That's a Grade Four- level joke."

Helen didn't answer. She might never have made it to Grade Four.

- 61*

They drove up to the main doors of the hospital, then on Helen's directions swung around to the back. People in hospital dressing gowns, some trailing their IV's, had come outside to smoke.