Happiness and Marriage Part 4

This is not a question of what "society" admits; it is a personal question between one man and one woman. It _is_ a partnership, whether society so admits or not. And the failure of one of the partners to live up to the expressed or implied agreement does not justify the other party in the misdoing of her part _as long as they live together_. Does one theft or murder justify another? No! Neither does a neglectful husband justify a scolding or spiteful wife, nor _vice versa._

Two people marry _first_, for the happiness of love; and second, for home privileges. No matter whether love flees or not, _as long as they keep up_ the home-privileges partnership it should be done in the spirit of harmony. Remember, it takes _two_ to destroy harmony and _either one can restore it_. If marriage is not a love contract let it at least be a harmonious business contract. If you can't, or won't, _adjust yourself_ to your husband, then leave him. Don't stay and half-do your part of the business and cultivate hate and contempt. It's h.e.l.l. _Get out_.

I have known several couples who lived years in comparative happiness after love had flown; who were kind to each other, considerate, business-like. The wives made pleasant homes and the husbands came and went at will. In their spare time the wives developed their personal interests and "lived their own lives," as critic number two advises.

When the husbands took cranky streaks the wives simply made light of it to themselves, and forgot it as soon as possible. They lived on as comfortable terms as if the wives were simply _first-cla.s.s_ hired house-keepers; little crankisms were all in the bargain. Eventually every one of these couples separated, and nearly all the parties are now _happily_ married. _And every_ _couple parted amicably_; each being _satisfied_ to terminate the old partnership.

To me a divorce is not a disgrace, but a family row _is_. And I suspect that most divorce _rows_ are worked up to _drown guilty consciences_.

Neither has done his best by the other, and he knows it; so he raises a great row to fix attention on the other's shortcomings that his own may escape observation.

Until a man and woman have succeeded in living up to their home privileges in a manner befitting honest and intelligent man and woman, _they can't be sure that they are not fitted for a real loving union_.

Friction over small things obscures vision and judgment, and hate hides the lovableness that _must_ lie in every being. Get rid of the rowing over little things of every day life, and you will be able to love as much as your marriage will permit; _and you will be free to dissolve the entire partnership if you desire_.

Did I _really_ change anything? _Yes_. Is it "anything" to bring peace and quiet pleasure and comfort and appreciation where their opposites were wont to hold baccha.n.a.le? _Yes_.

No woman who _honestly_ tries the course I have endeavored to outline will ever doubt that she really accomplishes _something_; neither will she regret.

Here is a word every married woman will do well to heed as long as she lives with her husband: _If you can't have your way without a fuss, then try his with a good will_.

Peace be unto you; peace, which is the foundation for _all you desire_.

CHAPTER VII.

SOME HINTS AND A KICK.

"And now, Elizabeth, let me suggest something. Punch up the _men_ a little in the matter of cultivating cleanly habits, etc. Women are preached to eternally on these matters and the men wholly neglected. It would be a 'new thought' to take to the men a little and might a.s.sist in making more of them fit companions for the sweet and cleanly women they delight in a.s.sociating with. The absolute neglect of the masculine s.e.x by writers on these subjects causes them to think that nothing in the way of the aesthetic is expected of them. It is a wrong to the men not to en-me and make me his chum as well as his wife. Help courage them to aspire to a common plane with woman in the matters of purity and cleanliness. Cleanliness is next to G.o.dliness, but no more so in the case of woman than of man. It is time for equality to be recognized in this matter as in all others." Carrie.

It is funny how many women squirm when reminded that it is they who set the pace in the home! We are always longing for power and a field of effort, and then when a 20th century prophetess arises and tells us we _are_ all but almighty, and shows us how to direct our almightiness to accomplish results, we--well, we squirm. One would think some of us are a little bit ashamed of the pace we have been setting, of the things we have been accomplishing with our almightiness! You know, our first impulse when we see an error in our own selves is to sound the trumpet and charge upon the error in the other fellow. Is this why Carrie wants the men scolded?

Well, _don't_ they get scolded? What are their wives and daughters and sweethearts for but to scold 'em or coax 'em into cleaner ways of living? No use to talk to men as a cla.s.s, about anything but politics.

Don't you know that Adam couldn't even taste an apple until Eve coaxed him? Adam is a great theorizer; he will gaze at an apple and tell you that he ought not to eat it, and _why_ not; he will even amble long and wishfully about that apple; but it takes _Eve_ to wake in him the _living impulse_ to take it. Just so with matters of personal neatness.

He knows--oh, yes, knowing is his long suit!--he knows he "ought" to be neat; and he thinks he wants to be; but unless Eve and the serpent come along he hasn't the _living impulse_.

And Eve must not lose sight of the serpent, however far away the dove may fly. Eve must use wisdom and tact, as well as example; if she would have Adam accept her standard of cleanliness she must see to it that her example is _beautifully_ clean instead of _painfully_ so. There are men who are careless about their persons simply as a matter of relief from the painful cleanness of their surroundings.

Then there are Adams who are careless for lack of interest in pleasing Eve. In these cases you will find that Eve has little or no interest in pleasing Adam; or that she overdoes the matter of trying to please, and frequently dissolves in tears and precipitates countless reproaches upon luckless Adam.

Then there are Adams who are careless from petty spite--with shame I say it. And with greater shame I say, you will find their Eves are spiteful, too; probably more spiteful than the Adams; for Eve, you know, is generally smart enough and ambitious enough to outdo Adam in any line of endeavor--especially in the use or misuse of the tongue.

In matters of niceness it is Eve who sets the pace. Adam is built for strength; Eve for beauty and adornment. It is _natural_ for Eve to set the pace and for Adam to follow, in all matters of detail and niceness.

Whether Adam follows with good grace or ill depends upon Eve and the serpent. If Eve is wise as the serpent in her, and harmless as the dove in her, she can lead Adam a _willing_ captive to heaven or h.e.l.l.

Now will you rise again and--squirm--because I attribute to Eve all power over Adam? Will you say I excuse Adam's transgressions and come down hard on Eve? I suppose so. But the very fact that you resent the imputation is proof that in your heart of hearts you know I have hit _very close_ to the mark. When an arrow flies wide we are merely amused at the poor marksmanship; but the closer the arrow strikes to the center the more excited we grow--either with resentment or admiration, according to our sympathies.

In matters of cleanliness, niceness and adornment Eve sets the pace; and if her pace is a graceful one and _not too fast_ Adam follows. In due time he _acquires the habit_ of doing the little ablutions and adornings Eve has taught him.

If your Adam is _very_ careless about these matters you may depend upon it that when he was growing up his mother was either dead or careless or tactless; and you may safely suspect that Adam in his previous state of existence was a forlorn old bach. So be gentle with him, for it will take time to correct the faults of such an Adam.

But don't give up, Eve, dear. Be gentle, but be firm and persistent. Use your ingenuity in finding ways to make Adam _want_ to please you; and if you can look back over a year or two and see that he _has_ improved in _some_ respects at least, that there are even one or two little tricks of niceness which have become almost if not quite habitual, then hold a little praise meeting and rejoice. Praise him for learning, and praise yourself for what you have succeeded in teaching him. And if your success has come _without friction_, if you have inspired Adam to _want_ to please you, then glorify yourself exceedingly--_all to yourself, of course_. If you let Adam know you are managing him even for his own good, he will show his independence by going back to his old tricks--just as _you_ would do if in his place. If there has been friction, or lack of success, let it wake you up to use henceforth _more of the wisdom and love which is in you_.

Now this little homily is written ostensibly to women; but all my men subscribers will read it and applaud. _I wonder how many of them will see that every word of it is as applicable to themselves, as to their mothers, sisters, sweethearts, wives_? Every Eve is Adam at heart, and every Adam is Eve; and what in sauce for Adam will prove equally effective with Eve. Adam and Eve are both green, and growing. They are the two halves of a ripening peach, brought together by the Law of Attraction or Love because at this stage in their development _they fit_. You will be inclined to doubt that every Adam's nature fits his Eve's, but I say unto you judge not according to outward appearance but judge righteous judgment. Now listen:--Every human being has his manifested good points and his _latent_ good points. The manifest good points of a man are the Adam of him; the _latent_ good points--the weak places in him--are the Eve of him--the interior as-yet-undeveloped part of him. The strong points, the good points, of a woman are the Eve; the weak points, where she is as yet undeveloped, are the Adam or interior nature of her.

If it were not for personal attractions, particularly the attractions of one man and one woman, the _latent_ parts of both men and women would remain forever undeveloped and their strong points would continue to grow stronger. In time (supposing the race did not die out), there would be two cla.s.ses of people utterly different and at variance with each other--two opposites with no understanding or sympathy for each other.

Attraction brings together opposites; the strong, steady man falls in love with a frivolous b.u.t.terfly; a handsome woman attracts a homely man and _vice versa;_ a strong, capable woman marries a sickly, incompetent man--and supports him; a sentimental woman is attracted to a matter-of-fact man who develops her common sense by pruning her sentimentalities; an artistic temperament is drawn to a phlegmatic; a sanguine to a bilious; a mental to a vital; an active man marries a lazy wife, or _vice versa_; a bright man marries a stupid girl; and so on and on.

Man and wife are a rounded whole in which the man manifests what is latent in the woman, and the woman supplies that which in the man is as yet undeveloped. Just as Eve coaxes, or scolds, Adam into habits of neatness; as Adam coaxes, scolds or drives Eve into having his meals on time, thus developing her self-command and _promptness_; so they act and re-act upon each other to develop a thousand latencies of which they, and the onlookers, are more or less unconscious.

The foolish Adams and Eves fret and strain against these processes of development, and bewail their "mistake" in marrying; not seeing that the a.s.sociation is really benefiting both. The wise Adams and Eves reduce the friction _by kindness_, by _co-operation with each other_; Adam _tries_ to please Eve, Eve tries to please Adam, and both are kind about it, wherefore in due time their _appreciation_ for each other grows, and mayhap their love grows with it. If love wanes instead of growing at least they are _friends_, and can _part_ as friends if they so desire.

Someone has well said that without a model husband there can be no model wife. I believe it. As long as man and woman are held together by love, attraction, or "conditions" (in its last a.n.a.lysis it is _all_ the Law of Attraction, or _G.o.d_) they are literally _one_, no matter how hard they kick against the oneness; and neither man nor woman can _alone_ be a model, any more than one side of a peach can be _entirely_ ripe and sweet and the other side entirely hard and green.

So when I speak to Eve about tact and kindness I speak to _the Eve in Adam_ as well as in Eve herself.

And what I say of the attractions of man and wife applies equally well to other family relationships, to friendships, to acquaintanceships and even to our relationship to the people we pa.s.s on the street or _the heathen we never saw_. Every person who touches us even in the slightest degree, _is drawn by the law of attraction because we need him to bring out some latency in ourselves, and because HE needs us to help develop some latency in him_. IT IS OUR OWN HIGHEST DESIRES (the G.o.d in us) WHICH CONSt.i.tUTE THE ATTRACTION.

"Oh, but _that_ can't be," you exclaim, "because So-and-So brings out only the _evil_ in me. He makes me feel _so_ hateful and mean." Let us see, dearie. _The hateful and mean feelings are due to your RESISTING that which his influence would bring out of you._ For instance, you were late at your appointment with him. Of course you _thought_ you had a good excuse; but if prompt.i.tude were _one of your strong points_, instead of one of your latencies, you would have been on time in spite of that excuse--if it were your _habit_ to be on time you'd have swept aside a much greater hindrance before you would have allowed yourself to be behind time. Now So-and-so is naturally prompt and, having had some experience with you he knew you were not; so when, he having arrived fifteen minutes ahead of time as it is _his_ nature to do, _you_ came tripping in fifteen minutes late--smiling confidingly as you excused yourself (he, having spent the half hour in cultivating a grouch at you for not being as prompt as himself)--he, of course, looked sulky and answered shortly. Then you pouted and finally _worked yourself_ into quite a temper over his inconsiderateness and crankiness because of that paltry little fifteen minutes he had to wait. He _worked himself_ into a temper because you were not on time; you _worked yourself_ into a temper because he wasn't "nice." All that working was your individual doings.

But it all resulted in your resolving that if ever you had another engagement with that man (you'd take good care not to if you could help it, though!) you'd be _on time_ if it killed you. Of course you didn't tell him so. And _he_ resolved that the next time he made an engagement with you he'd know it, but _if_ he did he would make up his mind to be _on_ time instead of ahead of time, and he'd not care if you _were_ late.

So you see, the Law of Attraction accomplished its divine purpose in attracting you two to make that engagement--it waked in you a _resolution_ toward promptness; and it waked in him a _resolution_ to be _on_ time rather than _before_ time in future, and to be civil if you happened to be late--since you are only a woman and can't be expected to appreciate the value of promptness!

This is the way all our a.s.sociations in life work together for good _to develop our latencies_, to strengthen our weak points. _The wiser we are the less emotion we waste in resenting the developing process--the more readily we see the point and take the resolution hinted at._ You see you and your friend had had other such experiences as the one described--you had been late before when So-and-so condoned the matter and said nothing. _He let you off so easily that you never thought of resolving not to be late again._ You _felt_ that he had been displeased but you depended upon your niceness to make it all right again, and it never occurred to you to call yourself to account and _resolve_ that it should not happen so again. You were _too heedless_ to take a hint, so you had to have a kick.

You may set this down as a rule without exceptions: _That all the kicks you get from relatives or friends come after you have ignored repeated hints from your own inner consciousness and them_. You have gone on excusing yourself _without correcting the fault_ (perhaps without seeing it) until the Law of Attraction stopped hinting and administered a kick.

And if _one_ kick will not cause you to develop that weak point the Law of Attraction will bring you other and yet harder kicks on the same line. _You will attract_ worse experiences of the same sort.

It is this very law which makes married folks (or other relatives or friends) quarrel. Adam refuses Eve's _hints_ about neatness, and Eve kicks--harder and harder. Eve refuses Adam's hints and he gets to kicking. _It_ ALWAYS _takes two to start the kicking_, AND EITHER ONE CAN STOP IT. _A frank acknowledgement of error and a_ RESOLUTION _to mend your end of the fault no matter what is done with the other end; then a pleasant expression and_ NO MORE WORDS;--this will stop the kicking. _And in proportion as you learn to take the_ HINTS _you attract, you will cease to attract kicks_.

By all of which I am reminded of that old testament statement that '_the Lord hardened the heart of Pharoah_.' The "Lord" or "Lord G.o.d" of the old testament is what I call the _G.o.d in us_, or the Law of Attraction in us; and the "G.o.d" of the Bible is The Whole--the G.o.d _over all_ as well as _in the individual_. It is the _G.o.d in us_ which attracts to us our experiences, _in order to teach us wisdom and knowledge_. Pharoah was not _wise_ enough to let those people go, so the G.o.d in Moses gave him a hint--which he failed to take. Wherefore he attracted a gentle kick in the way of a plague. This dashed his ardor a bit and he gave permission for the Israelites to go; but he was only _scared_ into doing it; and after the plague was called off he was not wise enough to keep his word--here was a great lot of valuable slaves which he _could_ keep, and why shouldn't he?--his word was easy broken and all's fair in business; so _his heart hardened_ and he held the Israelites. So he attracted a harder kick; which failed to accomplish its purpose. Kick after kick came, each a bit harder than the last; each scaring Pharoah for the moment, but _none convincing him_. He still thought it _right_ to hang onto his slaves if he could, and he had the courage of his convictions. A man of such splendid courage seems worthy of a better fate. Pharoah had the courage of a Christ, coupled with the ethics of a savage, whose only law is his own desire of possession. Because he could not take the hint and _see his mistake_, he attracted a series of kicks increasing in power until one finally landed him in the Red Sea. Perhaps a glimmer of the truth reached him as the waters rolled over. But his soul goes marching on and his mistakes are still re-incarnating here on earth.

Is Adam kicking, Eve? Take a hint before he kicks harder. Is Eve making things warm for you, Adam? Take care you jump not out of the frying pan into the fire. Are circ.u.mstances plaguing you, Everybody? Take the hint lest worse plagues arrive; learn wisdom and avoid the Red Sea.

Be not wise in thine own conceits. _Lean_ not upon thine own understanding, but in _all_ thy ways _and thy neighbor's ways_, acknowledge that the One Good Spirit leads, and He shall direct thy feet in paths of peace and pleasantness.

The proof of foolishness is unrest and friction.

The proof of wisdom is peace.

_Be still and know the Lord thy G.o.d, and learn from what He draws to thee_.

CHAPTER VIII.

THE HEART OF WOMAN.

"My wife has fallen in love with another man. She keeps house for me and I am trying to show her all the love I can but it seems to have no effect upon her. I love her dearly and desire to win her back. What should be my att.i.tude toward her and toward the man?" A.J. (who is one of many who have thus written me.)