Handy Andy Volume Ii Part 10

Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender.

_"Orate, fratres!_--will you mind what I say to you and go along out of that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn--it's a shame for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, and kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak undher you indeed!--_Orate, fratres!_"

Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb him, and casting a backward glance, he would say--

"I hear you there--can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the ma.s.s, you haythens?"

Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted him.

He looked round quickly.

"You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go out o' that--your conduct is scandalous--_Dominus vobisc.u.m!_" Again he turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the service to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and produced a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had already contributed, by way of example to those who had not.

"Here it is," said Father Phil, "here it is, and no denying it--down in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much blacker are those who have not given at all!--but I hope they will be ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have contributed to the uphowlding of the house of G.o.d. And isn't it ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to leave His house in such a condition--and doesn't it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to remind you of your duty? aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? Oh, G.o.d is good to you! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you such bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the blessed ma.s.s for a comfort and a benefit to you; and so you'll go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven against you every Sunday, which is condemning you before your faces, and behind your backs too, for don't I see this minit a strame o' wather that might turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of his coat and his shirt?"

Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly _was_ under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof.

"And is it laughing you are, you haythens?" said Father Phil, reproving the merriment which he himself had purposely created, _that he might reprove it_. "Laughing is it you are--at your backslidings and insensibility to the honour of G.o.d--laughing, because when you come here to be _saved_ you are _lost_ intirely with the wet; and how, I ask you, are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the rain is pouring down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of turning your hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill--but once put a good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! Maybe it's Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who would grind your hearts to powdher with his heavy words." (Here a low murmur of dissent ran through the throng.) "Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like it, I see.

Very well, very well--take care then, for if I find you insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens--you malefacthors and cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your pockets, because your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head!--I say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I know my own faults, partly, G.o.d forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your duties as you are to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were made of, and then the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no--them naked rafthers grin in your face to no purpose--you chate the house of G.o.d; but take care, maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy"--(here there was a sensation). "Ha! ha!

that makes you open your ears, does it? More shame for you; you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and depend on something betther--but I see I must call you to a sense of your situation with the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. Oh dear! dear! dear!--I'm ashamed of you--troth, if I had time and sthraw enough, I'd rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talking to you; sure the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that!--the house of G.o.d to be like a stable!--for though our Redeemer, in his humility, was born in a stable, that is no reason why you are to keep his house always like one.

"And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants in the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the Catholics."

He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded copiously with observations of his own; making _viva voce_ marginal notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father Phil never permitted to pa.s.s without a retort. Nor must all this be considered in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between two particular portions of the ma.s.s, when the priest may address his congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or the like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings against faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in reverence.

But when a subscription for such an object as that already mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves ent.i.tled to "put in a word" in case of necessity.

This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter into the spirit of Father Phil's

SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY CHAPEL

s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P.

Micky Hicky 0 7 6 "He might as well have made ten shillings: but half a loaf is betther than no bread."

"Plase your reverence," says Mick, from the body of the chapel, "sure seven and six-pence is more than the half of ten shillings."

(_A laugh_.)

"Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, if you knew your duty as well as your arithmetic, it would be betther for you, Micky."

Here the Father turned the laugh against Mick.

s. d.

Bill Riley 0 3 4 "Of course he means to subscribe again.

s. d.

John Dwyer 0 15 0 "That's something like! I'll be bound he's only keeping back the odd five shillings for a brush full o' paint for the althar; it's as black as a crow, instead o' being as white as a dove."

He then hurried over rapidly some small subscribers as follows:--

Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 James Murphy 0 2 6 Mat Donovan 0 1 3 Luke Dannely 0 3 0 Jack Quigly 0 2 1 Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 "There's for you! Edward O'Connor, Esq., _a Protestant in the parish_--Two pounds!"

"Long life to him," cried a voice in the chapel.

"Amen," said Father Phil; "I'm not ashamed to be clerk to so good a prayer.

Nicholas f.a.gan 0 2 6 Young Nicholas f.a.gan 0 5 0 "Young Nick is better than owld Nick, you see."

The congregation honoured the Father's demand on their risibility.

s. d.

Tim Doyle 0 7 6 Owny Doyl 1 0 0 "Well done, Owny na Coppal--you deserve to prosper for you make good use of your thrivings.

s. d.

Simon Leary 0 2 6 Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 "You ought to be ashamed o'

yourself, Simon: a lone widow woman gives more than you."

Simon answered, "I have a large family, sir, and she has no childhre."

"That's not her fault," said the priest--"and maybe she'll mend o'

that yet." This excited much merriment, for the widow was buxom, and had recently buried an old husband, and, by all accounts, was c.o.c.king her cap at a handsome young fellow in the parish.

s. d.

Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are behaving like gentlemen; they'll have their reward in the next world.

Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 "I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted-- but I believe it is 8s. 4d."

"It was three and four pince I gave your reverence," said Pat from the crowd.

"Well, Pat, as I said eight and four pence you must not let me go back o' my word, so bring me five shillings next week."

"Sure you wouldn't have me pay for a blot, sir?"

"Yes, I would--that's the rule of back-mannon, you know, Pat.

When I hit the blot, you pay for it."

Here his reverence turned round, as if looking for some one, and called out, "Rafferty! Rafferty!

Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?"

An old grey-headed man appeared, bearing a large plate, and Father Phil continued--

"There now, be active--I'm sending him among you, good people, and such as cannot give as much as you would like to be read before your neighbours, give what little you can towards the repairs, and I will continue to read out the names by way of encouragement to you, and the next name I see is that of Squire Egan. Long life to him!

s. d.

Squire Egan 5 0 0 "Squire Egan--five pounds-- listen to that--five pounds--a Protestant in the parish--five pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will make you ashamed of yourselves, if we don't take care.

s. d.

Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 "Not her own parish, either--a kind lady.

s. d.

James Milligan of Roundtown 1 0 0 "And here I must remark that the people of Roundtown have not been backward in coming forward on this occasion. I have a long list from Roundtown--I will read it separate." He then proceeded at a great pace, jumbling the town and the pounds and the people in a most extraordinary manner: "James Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; Darby Daly of Roundtown, one pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, one pound; James Casey of Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer of Townpound, one round--pound I mane; Pat Roundpound--Pounden, I mane--Pat Pounden a pound of Poundtown also--there's an example for you!--but what are you about, Rafferty? _I don't like the sound of that plate of yours_;-- you are not a good gleaner--go up first into the gallery there, where I see so many good-looking bonnets--I suppose they will give something to keep their bonnets out of the rain, for the wet will be into the gallery next Sunday if they don't. I think that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her bit of silver ready; them ribbons of yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, good Christians, here is more of the subscription for you.

s. d.

Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 "_He_ doesn't belong to Roundtown--Roundtown will be renowned in future ages for the support of the Church. Mark my words--Roundtown will prosper from this day out--Roundtown will be a rising place.