Great Mysteries And Little Plagues Part 14

One morning, a pretty child, standing a-tip-toe, with her pitcher and penny held up, caught the eyes of this n.o.bleman. "Now," said he, "my pretty la.s.s--_now_," patting her on the head, and giving her a kiss--"_now_, you may tell, as long as you live, that you have been kissed by an Earl."

"O yes--but you took the penny, though," said the little witch, innocently enough, I dare say. But what became of the Earl? n.o.body knows. It was a long while ago.

No. 265. _Where do all the Cooks go?_--A capital housekeeper having discharged her cook with emphasis, exclaimed, "Well, thank heaven! there are no cooks in the other world." Which other world did she mean, think you? Her little girl seemed puzzled; but, after thinking awhile, said, "Well, mamma, then who cooks wash-days? for you know they must have a big wash, as they always wear white."

No. 266. _More Sabbath-school Exercises._--"Where was John Rogers burned?--tell me now," said a teacher, in a voice that filled the room, and startled the listeners at the door. "Couldn't tell," said the first.

No answer from the next. "Joshua knows," whispered a little thing at the head of her cla.s.s. "Well, then, if Joshua knows, he may tell," said the teacher. "In the fire," shouted Joshua, with a look of imperturbable self-complacency.

No. 267. _Just as the twig is bent, etc., etc._--A little shaver, living in Walcott, Maine, aged only five years, having well considered the subject of earning his bread, went to a farmer and offered his services.

He was put to raking hay, and persevered as long as the rest, and went home to his happy mother in the evening, with a silver dollar in his pocket. And where did he get it? some lazy little Jackanapes will ask, I dare say. Go to your mother, child.

No. 268. _Them's my Sentiments._--A six-year-old boy was set to work upon what is called a "composition," all about water. He wrote as follows: "Water is good to drink. Water is good to paddle in and swim in, and to skate on when it grows hard in winter. When I was a little wee baby, nurse used to wash me every morning in cold water--_ugh_! I have heard tell the Injuns only wash themselves once in ten years. I wish I was an Injun."

No. 269. _Arithmetic made easy._--"Peter--I say, Peter! what are you doing with that boy?" "Helping him in 'rethmetic, sir." "How helping him?" "He wanted to know if I took ten from seventeen, how many would be left; and so I took ten of his apples to show him, an' now he wants 'em back."

"And why don't you give 'em back, hey?"

"'Cause I want him to remember how many was left."

No. 270. _Scripture and Poetry._--While a poor mother was moaning over her wretchedness and helplessness, fearing that she would have to go to the workhouse, her little boy looked up from his pile of blocks in the chimney-corner, and murmured, "Mamma, I think G.o.d hears, when we sc.r.a.pe the bottom of the barrel."

No. 271. _A glorious Boy._--The playmates of a small boy were trying to persuade him to take a handful or two of cool, ripe cherries, from a tree overhanging the stone-wall, where they were sitting together in the hot sunshine.

"What are you afeard of?" said the largest, "for if your father should find it out, he is so kind, he wouldn't punish you."

"That's the very reason why I wouldn't touch 'em," said the dear little fellow, in reply.

No. 272. _Physics and Metaphysics._--An amiable professor, in France, was laboring to explain that theory, according to which the body is entirely renewed every six years, giving for ill.u.s.tration the experiment made with a pig, by feeding it on madder till its bones were colored through and through, and other cases. "And so, mam'selle," said he, addressing a pretty little blonde with a roguish face, "in six years you will be no longer Mademoiselle F----."

"I hope so," murmured Mam'selle F., casting down her eyes, and peering up at him through her long lashes. Evidently she had somewhat misunderstood her teacher.

No. 273. _Too good to be true._--A little boy having broken his rocking-horse the very day it was brought home, his mother began scolding him. "Why, mamma," said he, with a mischievous giggle, as if he understood the joke, and _meant_ it, "What's the use of a horse afore he's _broke_?"

No. 274. _True, beyond all question._--Said somebody to a little moppet, as she sat on the door-step playing with her kitten and her doll, "Which do you love best, darling, your kitten or your doll?"

After looking serious for a minute or two, she leaned over and whispered, "I love Kitty best, but please don't tell Dolly."

No. 275. _A slight Misapprehension._--Three little negroes were lately baptized by our friend, Mr. C., of the new Protestant Cathedral. After the ceremony was over, one of them whispered to its mother, "You don't mind it, mamma, do you, 'cause he baptized us in his night-gown?"

No. 276. _A Natural Curiosity._--A dear little six-year-old was going by a church with her father. "What house is that?" asked the child. "That is the Dutch Church," said papa; "people go there to be good, so that, after a while, they may be angels." "Hi! then there'll be Dutch angels, papa!"

No. 277. _Much to the Point._--A sabbath-school teacher had been reading to her cla.s.s the beautiful story of Ruth--with a running accompaniment.

Wishing to call their attention to the kindness of the princely husbandman, in ordering the reapers to drop here and there a handful of wheat, she said, "Now, children, Boaz did another nice thing for poor Ruth: can you tell me what it was?" "To be sure I can," said a little fellow, a long way off;--"_he married her_."

No. 278. _A new Currency._--Our Sallie, a pleasant, active, sprightly little thing, just old enough to make herself understood, partly by pantomime and partly by lisping, came in all of a glow, saying,--

"O mamma! mamma! Me jess buyed a itte paper-doll."

"Indeed! and where did you buy it?"

"O, jess down here, in a defful big store; me toot a ittle dirl in me's hand."

"And where did you get your money to pay for it?"

"O, me didn't buy it for money, mamma--me jess gived the gemman a fower to pay for it."

And sure enough! Upon further inquiry, it turned out that the little midget had entered a large store, made her way into the back part--one of the largest establishments in Brooklyn, by the way--and seeing some paper-dolls in hand, wanted to buy one; but having no money, offered a flower she had just gathered on the way, which the shopman received with all seriousness, regarding it as a lawful tender.

No. 279. _A new handle for p.u.s.s.y._--Little three-year-old Mary was playing roughly with her pet kitten. After pulling its ears, she began carrying it by the tail. "Baby, dear," said her mother, "you hurt p.u.s.s.y." "No I don't, mamma--'cause I'm carryin' it by the handle."

No. 280. _A new Puzzle._--A pretty little thing under five, on being questioned by her mother about her Bible lesson, was asked, among other matters, why the Lord wouldn't let Adam and his wife eat of the forbidden fruit; and answered, that she "didn't know for certain, but rather thought, maybe He wanted to can it for his own use."

No. 281. _More Logic._--In our Putnam for October, there are two charming little manifestations of boyish character and boyish reasoning.

A chap of only five, soon after the fire at Barnum's Museum, which he had investigated, was very anxious to know if there really were any such creatures as devils, "with horns, hoofs, bats'-wings and eagles'

claws"--he had just been looking at an ill.u.s.trated Pilgrim's Progress.

Mamma tried to put him off, but in vain. At last, he broke out with, "Well--I don't believe there is any, for Barnum would be sure to have one." And then, after another glance at the ill.u.s.tration, he added, "How funny he _would_ look in a cage, with his horns and tail!"

The same little fellow hid his face in his mother's lap one day, while it thundered. To soothe him, his mother explained the phenomena of thunder and lightning. A lull followed, and he ran off to play in a distant corner of the room. Then followed another burst, louder than usual. Back he ran to his mother, exclaiming, "I don't see what fun 'tis for G.o.d to go thunderin' round so!" Of course not.

No. 282. _Natural History._--According to Peter Pindar, Sir Joseph Banks' fleas were lobsters till he boiled them, when "d--d a one turned red;" whereat he exclaimed, according to the same authority, who, in his own mortal extremity, if Byron may be credited,--

----"Supprest With a death-bed sensation a blasphemous jest,"

"Fleas are _not_ lobsters--d--n their souls!"

But another question has lately come up. A little girl, of the Buffalo tribe, wants to know if fleas are _white_; "cauth untle teld her that Mary had a little lamb with _fleas_ as white as snow."

_Another._--A charity scholar--perhaps one of the Ragged School--on being asked, after an examination in the Psalms, "What was the Pestilence that walketh in darkness?" answered,--"Bed bugth, thir!"--Not so much out of the way, after all; since fleas only _hop_ in darkness.

No. 283. _Cross-examination._--Says a neighbor, "Wife was undressing a little four-year-old--Charley--the other evening. After he was set free, he began to feel of his fat, chubby arms, with manifest self-complacency; and looking up into his mother's face, he said, 'Mamma, who made me?'"

"'The Good Man away up in the sky,'" said mamma.

"Whereupon Charley grew thoughtful, and after looking up through the tree-tops into the clear blue starlit sky for a few minutes, added, 'But, mamma, who took me down?'"

No. 284. _A Broad Hint._--There was an aged country clergyman, who found so little time for study, that when fairly at work, he wouldn't allow his grandchildren to romp in the pa.s.sage, or play hide-and-seek, or leap-frog in the study--the monster!

"Ma," said one of these little fellows, who had been snubbed for riotous behavior one day, "I say, Ma,"--she had just been telling him about heaven--"I say, Ma, I don't want to go to heaven." "Don't want to go to heaven, Georgie!" "No, Ma, I'm sure I don't." "And why not?" "Why, gran'pa will be there, won't he?" "Why yes--I hope so."

"Well--jest as soon as he sees us, he'll come scoldin' along, and say,--'Whew--whew--whew! What are these boys here for?'"

No. 285. _Patronage._--"I say, dad--have you been to the Museum yet?"

said a young American of ten. "No, my son." "Well, jest you go, and mention my name to the door-keeper, an' he'll take you round and show you everything."

No. 286. _Childish Cunning._--"A child who is good at excuses is seldom good for anything else," quoth Franklin. A naughty little chap, says a contemporary, went blubbering into the back-yard, because his mother wouldn't allow him to go down to the river on the Sabbath. On being further remonstrated with, he said, "But, mamma, I didn't want to go in a-swimmin' with 'em; I only wanted to go down an' see the bad little boys drown, for goin' in a-swimmin' on a Sunday--boo-hoo, boo-hoo!"

No. 287. _Childish Trust._--The following ill.u.s.tration of the pa.s.sage, "Whosoever shall not receive the Kingdom of G.o.d as a little child, he shall not enter therein," will, I am sure, be thankfully received.

As the train stopped, a gentleman who had been seriously engaged in conversation with another, who had a little boy with him, said to the child, after bidding the father farewell--"Good-by, Charley; take care of yourself."