Golden Steps to Respectability, Usefulness and Happiness Part 7

It is not impossible that some may doubt the propriety of introducing into the pulpit the subject which will claim our attention this evening. Marriage is a topic of so much every-day conversation; it is so often and habitually treated as a light and trivial affair--forming as it does, in every circle of society, a standing matter for jest and laughter, for tattle and gossip--that many are surprised at the idea of treating it in a thoughtful and serious manner. So far from this being an objection, it is an urgent reason for presenting this subject under the sedate influences of this place and occasion. I would bring out the important event of Marriage, from amid the frivolity with which it is usually a.s.sociated, and present it in its real and true aspect--as a topic demanding the most sober and mature consideration.

Marriage is a divine covenant, inst.i.tuted by G.o.d himself.--"And the Lord G.o.d said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a help-meet for him." From the body of Adam, woman was formed, and given to him as a companion, a wife. "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." The Saviour also, in the language of the text, unqualifiedly sanctions the marriage covenant, and adopts it as one of the sacred inst.i.tutions of the Christian dispensation.

The marriage relation is vitally connected with the highest interests of human society. It restrains, purifies, elevates mankind. It is the great preserver of morality and religion; and forms one of the most effective of the influences which prevent the world from being deluged with licentiousness, and every loathsome form of evil. All the comforts of domestic life--the sacred and deathless ties of the family circle--the dear delights, the cherished a.s.sociations, the hallowed memories of the paternal fireside--spring directly from the marriage state. It is this alone that gives us the home of our childhood, the love, the protection, the wise counsel and advice of parents. It is this that affords the sacred retreat in mature days, where, from the strifes, and cares, and bitter disappointments of the business mart, the husband and father can retire, and amid the soothing attentions and the unbought love of wife and children, renew his strength and courage for future struggles. It is this that furnishes the aged patriarch and the venerable matron, with the safe covert, the quiet refuge, the warm, snug corner, where they can pa.s.s the winter of life, surrounded by children and children's children, who delight to rise up and do them reverence, and minister to their comforts.

"Domestic happiness! thou only bliss Of paradise that hath survived the fall!

"Thou art the nurse of virtue; in thine arms She smiles, appearing, as in truth she is, Heaven-born, and destined to the skies again."

Among all nations, wherever the marriage tie is the most generally formed, and held the most sacred, there woman holds the highest position and obtains her truest estimation--there civilization and refinement--there truth, purity, fidelity, and all the virtues and graces that can adorn and elevate humanity, bloom in vigorous luxuriance. And in the same degree that this sacred relationship is neglected, and its obligations disregarded, in any nation, do we find woman degraded, and ignorance, barbarism, sensuality and vice, in every shape, prevailing and preying on the vitals of society.

In view of these considerations, it a.s.suredly cannot be deemed improper, in addressing the young, to call their especial attention to a subject so interesting as Marriage, and one so vitally connected with all that is valuable and sacred. Indeed any series of discourses designed to counsel them, which should omit this all-important topic, would seem to be deficient in one of the first essentials of salutary admonition.

In presenting this subject to the consideration of the youthful, I would admonish them against thoughtless engagements, and hasty marriages. A heedlessness in these matters, is fraught with dangerous consequences. Matrimony is not to be viewed as a mere joke, or frolic, to be engaged in at any moment, without forethought or preparation. It is the first great step, the most momentous event, in the life of a young couple. Their position, their circ.u.mstances, their habits, their manner of occupying time, their prospects, all undergo an almost total change at this important era.

It will be to them a source of prosperity, of peace, of the highest enjoyments, or of adversity, misfortune, wrangling, and bitter wretchedness--as they do, or do not, exercise discretion and judgment in forming the connection. No thoughtful young man, no prudent young woman, will enter into an engagement of marriage, much less consummate the act, without viewing it in all its bearings.

They will maturely weigh the consequences which follow, and seriously reflect upon the new scenes, duties, responsibilities, and labors, to which it leads.

I know that to many, perhaps most of the young, the whole matter of matrimony is viewed in a light so romantic--its pathway seeming to be so in the midst of rosy clouds, so fanned by ambrosial gales, so intermixed with flowery meads and rural bowers, the songs of birds and murmuring streams--that it is exceedingly difficult for them to follow a train of sober thought on the subject. It is important, however, that they should seek to rise above these deceptive conceptions, and take such a view of this matter, as shall approach the reality, and save them from the disappointment which so often follows this consummation of their fondest dreams.

The selection of a companion for life is a transaction altogether more serious than the young appear generally to view it. They too often forget, that from all the world, they are choosing one to walk with them in closest intimacy, during all their days; and that it depends on the wisdom of their choice, whether the journey of life shall be peaceful and pleasant, or sad and wretched. It has pa.s.sed into a species of proverb, that the selection of a wife or a husband, is like purchasing a ticket in a lottery--no one knows whether a prize or a blank will be drawn. There is too much truth in this saying, as selections of husbands and wives are often made. When the young are governed in such things, by fancy rather than judgment--when they are carried away captives by some outward, worthless attraction, rather than by solid and useful qualities--their success will, indeed, depend on blind chance. But there is no necessity for so great a hazard. A young man, or a young woman, may positively know beforehand, whether they will draw a prize or a blank. In fact, they may select the _prizes_ without any mistake, and let the _blanks_ go for what they are worth. Let them exercise but an ordinary degree of judgment, sound discrimination and good sense, and there will be no danger of drawing a blank.

When a young man has attained to a suitable age, and is engaged in some honest and useful occupation, whereby he is in possession of means to maintain a family, it then becomes not only a privilege, but a _duty_, to select a wife, to be the sharer of his joys and his sorrows. In making this choice, he should act calmly, deliberately, and thoughtfully. He should bear in mind that he is selecting, not for a day, or a year, but for all life. The object of his affections should be one, who will live pleasantly with him, and make him happy, not for a few months only, but during long years to come, when the romance of marriage shall have been succeeded by the cares and struggles of maturer life. She should be one of whom he can say, in the words of the poet:--

"Oft as clouds my path o'erspread, Doubtful where my steps should tread, She, with judgment's steady ray, Marks and smooths the better way."

There is no greater folly than to select a wife for mere personal beauty alone. Beauty will always have its attractions; and when connected with an amiable disposition and useful qualifications, its influence, cannot be objected to. But when unaccompanied with these characteristics, its power is to be resisted, and the heart steeled against all its fascinations. The young man who permits himself to fall so desperately in love with a lady, on account of mere personal beauty, as to marry her, despite the counsel of his friends, and when he himself sees, or might see, a sad want of other and more valuable qualifications, commits an error, the wretched effects of which will be experienced through life. When this outward beauty loses its charm and pa.s.ses away, as it will in a brief s.p.a.ce of time, what has he left? A cross-grained, ill-natured, fault-finding, petulant, selfish wife, who will prove a "thorn in his side," during all his days, rather than a loving and valuable companion.

Good looks are always attractive. But there is something still more desirable in a wife, viz., a sweet disposition and an even temper, a gentle, affectionate heart, and a well-cultivated and enlightened mind. Let young men, by all means, seek for such qualifications in those whom they would choose for their companions. In these characteristics there is a beauty and loveliness which will not fade away with the consummation of marriage; but they will grow brighter and more attractive from year to year, during all life.

Moreover, I would caution young men against allowing their hearts to be taken captive under circ.u.mstances where they are especially exposed to deception. A young woman may exhibit a fine appearance in a ball-room--may be very attractive at a party, and cut a fashionable and dashing figure in the public streets, and still make a poor, good-for-nothing wife. These are the last places in which choice should be made of a companion, to render aid and comfort amid the struggles of life. Whenever your attention is attracted by a young lady, study her in the family circle--learn her domestic qualifications. Is she a respectful, dutiful, loving daughter? Is she a kind and affectionate sister? Does she manifest a n.o.ble, generous, friendly spirit? Does she exhibit delicacy, refinement, and purity in her tastes and manners? Is she industrious, economical, and frugal in her habits? Will she be likely to a.s.sist you in husbanding your income, and taking care of your earnings? Is she thoroughly versed in all domestic affairs, so that she herself could do all things connected with household matters, should necessity require it? These, I acknowledge, are very ordinary, very homely inquiries; but nevertheless they are of the highest importance. A young man who will marry, without having thoroughly made all such investigations, and becoming satisfied that his intended is not deficient, to any great extent, in these qualifications, is blind to his own highest good, and will in long after-years, amid domestic inquietude, and family troubles, indulge unavailing regrets at his blindness and folly. But whenever a young woman can be found, possessing these invaluable characteristics, I would advise the youth seeking for a companion, to win her for a wife if possible. Although she may be plain in person, and poor in property, yet she will be of more worth than rubies; and all riches cannot be compared with her. She will be a faithful friend and wise counsellor, and will smooth the rugged pathway of life. However the world and its affairs may go without, he who has such a wife, will ever have a home, where neatness and comfort, peace and love, and all that can yield contentment and enjoyment, will smile upon him!

All the care, discrimination, and judgment urged on young men in selecting wives, I would commend to young ladies, in accepting husbands. If to the former, marriage is an important event, fraught with consequences lasting as life, it is peculiarly so to the latter. It surely is no trivial event for a daughter to leave the home of her childhood, the tender care and watchful guardianship of kind parents, the society of affectionate brothers and sisters, to confide herself, with all her interests and her happiness, to another with whom she has. .h.i.therto a.s.sociated only as a friend. Is it not necessary to exercise prudence, forethought, discretion, in taking a step so momentous?

A young woman should not marry because the youthful are expected to enter matrimonial bonds at a certain age, nor merely because they have had an offer of marriage. Such an admonition may seem to be unnecessary; but I think it called for. It is true, beyond question, that young women sometimes receive the addresses, and finally become the wives, of men for whom they have formed no very strong attachment, and, indeed, in whom they see many characteristics and habits, which they cannot approbate. This is done on the principle, that it is the first offer of marriage they have had, and may be the only opportunity of settlement for life that will ever present itself. Not a few parents have urged their daughters to such a course--totally blinded to the evils which often flow from it.

Such a procedure is fraught with danger. It perils the happiness of all coming days. How many have, under such circ.u.mstances, left the abode of their childhood, where every comfort surrounded them, to spend a life of wrangling, bitterness, and, sometimes, abject poverty. Better, a thousand times, to remain at home, better live in "single blessedness" all your days, than to become connected with a man whose disposition, habits, or character, you cannot fully approve. Though he may be as rich as Cresus--though he may lead you to a palace for an abode, and deck you with jewels--yet, if you cannot give him your entire approbation, if your heart's fondest affections are not centred upon him, if he is not all you can sanction and love, unite not your destiny with him. The life of a contented, useful "old maid" is infinitely to be preferred to that of a wretched, heart-broken wife. "Those unequal marriages which are sometimes called _excellent matches_, seldom produce much happiness. And where happiness is not, what _is_ all the rest?"

In accepting the addresses of young men, with a view to matrimony, allow me to caution you against being too much influenced by good looks and fascinating manners. It is due to young ladies to say, that they show much more good sense in this respect than the other s.e.x. They do not select their companions so much on the ground of mere personal beauty, without reference to higher and better qualifications, as do young men. Still, a precaution to them on this point will not be wholly useless.

Here is a young man who is gay in his manners, and fashionable in his attire--a dandy of the first water, all buckled and strapped after the latest pattern. His bosom is decked with golden chains, and his fingers with platter rings. His tongue is as prolific of lackadaisical words, as his head is devoid of good sense. He showers the politest attentions in the a.s.sembly room, or during the ride, or walk. He is, in fine, the very beau ideal of a "ladies' man!" There is another young man. His manners are respectful, but without courtly polish. His dress is plain and neat, with no display and no gaudy ornaments. He knows nothing of the thousand ways and arts by which the other makes himself so agreeable. He has no "small talk"

in his vocabulary, and must utter sound sense, on useful subjects, or remain silent He may appear somewhat awkward in his attentions to ladies, but is, nevertheless, friendly and obliging in his demeanor.

In his whole life and character, he is a retiring, but most worthy youth. Are there not some young ladies who would prefer the company of the showy, chattering fop; who would receive his address, yea, accept him as a husband, and reject the diffident, modest youth? Yet the latter would make a kind, affectionate, provident husband; likely to attain to respectability, high-standing, and wealth: while the former would most probably prove a poor, cross-grained broken-stick; ill-natured, and perhaps dissipated; dragging wife and family into the insignificance and poverty to which he speedily would sink! Surely discreet young ladies will think many times, and weigh well the consequences, before making such a choice.

Where the hand of a young woman is sought in marriage, she should look beyond the mere personal accomplishments of dress, manners, and conversational powers of him who would make her his wife. Many an individual who has the appearance and manners of a gentleman, is, in reality, a black-hearted villain--a marriage with, whom would seal their wretchedness for life. In accepting a husband, there are certain requisite which young women should consider as indispensable.

He should have some honest and useful trade, profession, or occupation. A "do-nothing" young man, will a.s.suredly make a "good-for-nothing" husband. No one can justly charge you with sordid motives, for scrutinizing critically his capability to secure to you, and such family as may gather around you, a maintenance that shall insure you against poverty and want.

His habits should be unexceptionable. He should be honest, upright, truthful, industrious, and economical--pure in his conversation and tastes. Not only should he have the ability to obtain a livelihood, but should possess prudence and frugality to lay up and secure the fruits of his industry.

Above all, he should be strictly and rigidly _temperate_. On this point I would speak with emphasis. Most earnestly would I admonish young women never to unite their destiny with, that of a drinking young man. Alas! how many a wife, when too late, has lamented in bitter tears her short-sightedness in this respect. A young man, who, in this age of temperance, has not sufficient self-respect, pride of character, and good sense, to refrain from the intoxicating bowl before marriage, will be very likely to sink into a common drunkard afterwards. This is not always the case; but the exceptions are so rare, that she who ventures the risk, places herself in a condition which hazards her happiness for life. However proper his other habits may be, however amiable and pleasant his disposition, however bright and promising his prospects, however high his position, or respectable his family connections--if he drinks the lethean draught, even but sparingly, he is tampering with a viper, which will almost certainly sting him to death, and poison the joys, and destroy the prosperity of all connected with him.

The world is filled with scenes which attest the need of this admonition. All around we behold the wrecks of families, torn asunder by the intemperance of husbands and fathers, which otherwise might have been united and happy. Wives forsaken broken-hearted, impoverished--children beggared and neglected, growing up in rags and ignorance, to become the victims of sin and shame. All these attest the danger that woman encounters, who links her destiny with a drinking young man. O ye youthful and inexperienced, turn not a cold ear to my exhortation. With all the solemnity the momentous topic inspires, I beseech you, as you value a life of peace and prosperity, never, under any possible consideration, give your hand to a man who presses to his lips the intoxicating cup! Though you may have granted your affections, and plighted your troth, to one who is given, even but slightly, to this practice, if on your earnest expostulation, he will not abandon it, you should, without hesitation, break all connection with him. Every consideration of prudence, self-respect, and safety, urges you to such a step, however painful; and every law, human and divine, will justify you in adopting it.

The suggestions which follow, on the views of Marriage that should be entertained by young men, and "Female qualifications for Marriage," are so appropriate and excellent, that I cannot forbear giving them an insertion in these pages.

"Whatever advice may be given to the contrary by friends or foes, it is my opinion that you ought to keep matrimony steadily in view. For this end, were it for no other, you ought to mingle much in society.

Never consider yourself complete without this other half of yourself. It is too much the fashion among young men at the present day to make up their minds to dispense with marriage;--an unnatural, and therefore an unwise plan. Much of our character, and most of our comfort and happiness depend upon it. Many have found this out too late; that is, after age and fixed habits had partly disqualified them for this important duty.

"According to the character of the person you select, in a considerable degree, will be your own. Should a mere face fascinate you to a _doll_, you will not need much mental energy to please her; and the necessity of exertion on this account being small, your own self will sink, or at least not rise, as it otherwise might do.

"But were I personally acquainted with you, and should I perceive an _honorable_ attachment taking possession of your heart, I should regard it as a happy circ.u.mstance. Life then has an object. The only thing to be observed is that it be managed with prudence, honor, and good sense.

"The case of John Newton is precisely in point. In very early life this man formed a strong attachment to a lady, under circ.u.mstances which did not permit him to make it known which was probably well for both parties. It did not diminish _her_ happiness, so long as she remained in ignorance on the subject; and in scenes of sorrow, suffering, and temptation, the hope of one day obtaining her soothed him, and kept him from performing many dishonorable actions. 'The bare possibility,' he says, 'of seeing her again, was the only obvious means of restraining me from the most horrid designs, against myself and others.'

"The wish to marry, if _prudently_ indulged, will lead to honest and persevering exertions to obtain a reasonable income--one which will be satisfactory to the object of your hopes, as well as to her friends. He who is determined on living a single life, very naturally contracts his endeavors to his own narrow personal wants, or else squanders freely, in the belief that he can always procure enough to support himself. Indeed it cannot have escaped even the careless observer that in proportion as an individual relinquishes the idea of matrimony, just in the same proportion do his mind and feelings contract. On the contrary that hope which aims at a beloved partner--a family--a fireside--will lead its possessor to activity in all his conduct. It will elicit his talents, and urge them to their full energy, and probably call in the aid of economy; a quality so indispensable to every condition of life. The single consideration, 'What would she think were she now to see me?'

called up by the obtrusion of a favorite image,--how often has it stimulated a n.o.ble mind and heart to deeds which otherwise had never been performed!

"I repeat it, I am aware that this advice is liable to abuse. But what shall be done? Images of some sort will haunt the mind more or less--female influence in some shape or other, will operate. Is it not better to give the imagination a virtuous direction than to leave it to range without control, and without _end_?

"I repeat it, nothing is better calculated to preserve a young man from the contamination of low pleasures and pursuits, than frequent intercourse with the more refined and virtuous of the other s.e.x.

Besides, without such society his manners can never acquire the true polish of a gentleman,--general character, dignity, and refinement;--nor his mind and heart the truest and n.o.blest sentiments of a man. Make it an object then, I again say, to spend some portion of every week of your life in the company of intelligent and virtuous ladies. At all events, flee solitude, and especially the exclusive society of your own s.e.x. The doctrines even of Zimmerman, the great apostle of solitude, would put to shame many young men, who seldom or never mix in female society.

"If you should be so unfortunate as not to have among your acquaintance any ladies whose society would, in these points of view, be profitable to you, do not be in haste to mix with the ignorant and vulgar; but wait patiently till your own industry and good conduct shall give you admission to better circles; and in the meantime cultivate your mind by reading and thinking, so that when you actually gain admission to good society, you may know how to prize and enjoy it. Remember, too, that you are not to be so selfish as to think nothing of contributing to the happiness of others. It is blessed to _give_ as well as to _receive_.

"When you are in the company of ladies, beware of silliness. It is true they will sooner forgive foolishness than ill manners, but you will, of course, avoid both. I know one young gentleman of great promise, who adopted the opinion that in order to qualify himself for female society, he had only to become as foolish as possible, while in their presence. That young man soon lost the favor of all whose friendship might have operated as a restraint; but unwilling to a.s.sociate with the despicable, and unable to live in absolute solitude, he chose the bottle for his companion; and made himself, and the few friends he had, miserable.

"Nothing, unless it be the coa.r.s.est flattery, will give more offence, in the end, than to treat ladies as mere playthings or children. On the other hand, do not become pedantic, and lecture them on difficult subjects. They readily see through all this.

Neither is it good manners or policy to talk much of yourself. They can penetrate this also; and they despise the vanity which produces it. In detecting deception, they are often much quicker than we apprehend.

"A young gentleman, in one of the New England States, who had a.s.sumed the chair of the pedagogue, paid his addresses to the beautiful and sensible daughter of a respectable farmer. One day, as she was present in his school, he read to her a hymn, which he said was from his own pen. Now it was obvious to this lady, and even to some of the pupils, that the hymn was none other than that usually known by the name of the 'Harvest Hymn,' modified by the change of a few words only. How much effect this circ.u.mstance might have had I cannot say with certainty; but I know it disgusted _one_, at least, of the pupils; and I know, too, that his addresses to the lady were soon afterwards discontinued.

"A young man who would profit from the society of young ladies, or indeed from any society, must preserve a modest and respectful spirit; must seek to conciliate their good will by quiet and unostentatious attentions, and discover more willingness to avail himself of their stock of information, than to display his own knowledge or abilities.

"He should observe, and learn to admire, that purity and ignorance of evil, which is the characteristic of well-educated young ladies, and which, while we are near them, raises us above those sordid and sensual considerations which hold such sway over _men_, in their intercourse with each other. He should treat them as spirits of a purer sphere, and try to be as innocent, if not as ignorant of evil as they are; remembering that there is no better way of raising himself in the scale of intellectual and moral being. But to whatever degree of intimacy he may arrive, he should never forget those little acts of courtesy and kindness, as well as that respect, and self-denial, which lend a charm to every kind of polite intercourse, and especially to that of which I am now speaking.

"Whenever an opportunity occurs, however, it is the duty of a young man to introduce topics of conversation which are decidedly favorable to mental and moral improvement. Should he happen to be attending to the same study, or reading the same book with a female acquaintance, an excellent opportunity will be afforded for putting this rule in practice.

FEMALE QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE.

"The highest as well as the n.o.blest trait in female character, is love to G.o.d. When we consider what are the tendencies of Christianity to elevate woman from the state of degradation to which she had, for ages, been subjected--when we consider not only what it has done, but what it is destined yet to do for her advancement,--it is impossible not to shrink from the presence of an impious, and above all an unprincipled atheistical female, as from an ungrateful and unnatural being.

"Man is under eternal obligations to Christianity and its Divine Author, undoubtedly; but woman seems to be more so.

"That charge against females which in the minds of some half-atheistical men is magnified into a stigma on Christianity itself, namely, that they are more apt to become religious than men; and that we find by far the greater part of professing Christians to be females, is in my own view one of the highest praises of the s.e.x. I rejoice that their hearts are more susceptible than ours, and that they do not war so strongly against that religion which their nature demands. I have met with but one female, whom I knew to be an avowed atheist.