Get the Guy Part 6

Do brag about yourself, but indirectly A great way to brag about yourself without being too direct about it is to talk about how your friends would describe you: "My friends would say I don't have any trouble getting attention from guys, but the truth is it's rare that I meet the type of guy I really want to be with." This way you're able to demonstrate a positive attribute-in this case that you are in demand-but you're able to distance yourself from it. Notice this particular line is followed up with talking about how you find it difficult to meet someone who meets your standards for what you want in a relationship.

Do include the type of guy you're looking for People often forget that as much as their profile is there to sell themselves, it's also a great tool for preframing how you want the guy to act around you. An example of preframing would be to say things like "I'm looking for someone who isn't cynical and appreciates the little things in life" or "I need a guy who loves to read and talk about books as much as I do." This does several things.

First, it tells anyone reading your profile that you don't let just anyone into your life. This raises your value and creates an element of challenge for him. Second, it gives him a clear indicator of how he needs to act around you in order to get you attracted. If he hasn't read a book since high school, you can bet he's going to remedy that before you get together. It's effectively a way of dictating his behavior before he's even met you.

Sending Messages That Matter To reiterate, the best way to use an online dating site is to treat it merely as a directory. Your aim should always be to meet in person, not to talk online. Getting to your first meeting with a guy whose profile you like should always be your goal. You may already feel there's a connection because you appear to have things in common, but it's important to confirm this in some small way through your messages. Not to mention that if you try to arrange a meeting with the first message you send, your perceived value will likely go down in his eyes.

Your first message (a.s.suming you are making the first move) can simply be a comment about something you have seen on his profile-reference a quote he likes, his favorite movie, or something funny or light that annoys both of you.

The major advantage of meeting people online over meeting people in person is that you already know enough about them to say something that relates directly to them: "I saw that one of your favorite movies is t.i.tanic, and I wanted to commend you on being the only guy here who's man enough to admit it!" What guy could resist sending you a reply?

This type of message builds far more intrigue than simply saying, "Hey, how you doing?" Also, make it a point to avoid questions that elicit yes or no responses, which stops the flow of communication dead in its tracks.

Get on the Phone ASAP.

After you've established a connection, it's important to move things offline as soon as you can. Messaging online is the least personal way of communicating. Continuing to a.s.sociate online leaves both parties in a sort of holding pattern; both of you could be, and probably are, messaging many people. Exchanging phone numbers, on the other hand, is more intimate and will build connection more quickly.

Once you feel ready, if he hasn't already, suggest he text you instead because you've had enough of messaging through the site. This has the added bonus of showing that you're not an online dating addict and have no desire to remain attached to the site.

When the moment is right, have him call you for a brief chat. You can always say in a text, "Give me a call sometime and we'll see if we really get on or if we hate each other!" This playfully sets up a challenge for him, as it shows you are not ready to meet in person until you've really established that he's worth it. Phone calls will save you a lot of time by weeding out people with whom you have no real connection.

Arranging to Meet.

I've heard stories of people spending over a year e-mailing and messaging each other, only to find out there's no chemistry between them when they finally lay eyes on each other. Again, this is why it's important to arrange to meet a guy you like face-to-face as soon as possible. Normally when we meet someone we're into, we arrange a date with them because there's chemistry. With online dating, we arrange it to find out if there's chemistry.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE BORING.

Online dating can be overwhelming when you first start and soul destroying after many fruitless hours of trying. Either way, I have something for you that will help drastically change the results you get from online dating.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/onlinedating.

Access code: gtgbook.

PART TWO.

Get the Guy.

10.

The Ultimate Formula for Attraction.

There's a difference between riding a giddy, short-lived high when you meet a cute guy and creating the enduring attraction that leads to a long-term relationship. Now that you have done the work to find the guy, I want to guide you through the process of transforming that first moment of enchantment into deep and perhaps lasting attachment. This interim period is rarely discussed; people are quick to tell you how to get dates and quick to tell you when to give him an ultimatum about commitment, but few can tell you how to navigate the tricky time in between.

Genuine, deep, and long-lasting attraction starts to grow from the moment a guy falls asleep thinking about the amazing woman he's just met. He experiences a range of feelings: he can't wait until the next time he sees her, replaying the events of the evening and wondering if she will really want to see him again. Yes, guys do that too. Being able to create such a feeling is the key to creating attraction. It's more than connection or friendship or just s.e.xual interest.

The ability to be s.e.xy, charismatic, and sought after is the result of how we behave. Attractiveness to the opposite s.e.x is not some mystical energy bestowed upon a chosen few. Even if it is seems to come easier to some and not to others, the qualities and behaviors that create attraction can be learned and reproduced. As Oscar Wilde once said, "Success is a science; if you have the conditions you get the result."

Why Do We Need a Formula? Isn't Attraction Just Natural?

Do you know any naturally positive people who, when asked about their sunny outlook, can't really explain it? But, when you observe their habits, how they deal with problems, how they choose to frame the events of their lives, and the way they live, you can see quite clearly some clues to their optimism. They aren't "naturally" anything; they create the conditions.

So it is with attraction. Just because attraction seems to happen naturally, that doesn't mean it's random. I've spent years working to understand attraction. I've studied and absorbed every theory I can find. The result is a formula that, if followed, creates the conditions for developing lasting attraction.

This doesn't mean that you can't be who you are. Everyone, men and women alike, has different qualities they look for in people, certain values they seek out, and physical types to which they respond. However, the principles of what makes a woman attractive to a man remain the same. There are patterns of behavior that all attractive women exhibit.

The formula for attraction provides guiding principles only. It's not a rigorous code meant to suck all spontaneity and excitement out of your love life. I am a complete romantic, so for me the absolute joy of life is found in those spontaneous moments where attraction unexpectedly takes root. Some of my most cherished relationships have come out of those completely unexpected moments.

One day a friend and I were walking down the street and we pa.s.sed two women. I traded a look with one of them and was immediately attracted to her, but I just kept on walking. After about fifteen seconds my friend said, "If you don't go back and speak to her, I'm going to tell all of your clients you don't practice what you preach." This was a fairly busy London street, and by now she was at the other end of the block. I turned and ran to catch up with her. I was panting and out of breath when I reached them, not my smoothest moment. I asked them where they were from-a pretty lame line, but saying something is always better than saying nothing.

My girl's friend looked me up and down and tried to pull her away, but then my girl said something to her friend in Spanish and smiled at me. I had no idea what she'd said, but she and her friend agreed to go for a drink with us. We spent the next eighteen months in an incredibly pa.s.sionate relationship, during which I found out what she'd said to her friend that day: "He's wearing cufflinks. What's the worst that can happen?"

Amazing things can happen during tiny, unexpected moments, but that doesn't mean we should approach our love lives in a haphazard manner.

But most of us approach our love lives in a completely haphazard manner. We stumble around, come on too strong or not strong enough, are overcome by shyness or chattiness, or drink too much and go on a bad-joke-telling spree. We don't have a clue what we're doing, aside from waiting for a miracle.

The Formula I'm always looking to create strategies that people can replicate. By studying over a hundred thousand women and how they interact with men, I've been able to see what patterns they consistently show. What follows may seem a little prescribed, but I can tell you firsthand that every time a high-value guy has been attracted to you, you were following this formula, whether you were aware of it or not.

Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection = Deep and Lasting Attraction Let's break down each of the attributes of the formula.

Visual chemistry Where does physical desire come from? What causes someone to want you?

The obvious answer, and the one responsible for most myths surrounding romance, is your looks. I'm going to put it to rest right here, right now. You don't have to be drop-dead gorgeous to find attraction. You don't have to have a perfect figure, porcelain skin, and the smile of a model in a toothpaste ad.

Of course looks matter. I'm not going to lie to you about how men really are; part of my mission is to help you understand male psychology. It would be disingenuous of me to say that looks don't feature at all on a man's radar, or that a man doesn't have an image in his mind of the perfect woman. If you ask any guy what his ideal woman looks like, he'll reel off a list of objectively beautiful traits. He'll say he only goes for brunettes. Or he's a leg man. Or he needs a woman with blue eyes, or huge b.r.e.a.s.t.s. These are simply conditioned responses based on what he sees in magazines, TV, and movies. In reality, these specifically called-out characteristics have no real bearing on what makes him melt. They may be what he fantasizes about, but they're not what are ultimately going to attract him for the long run.

You certainly don't need to look like a supermodel in order to attract amazing guys. If only raving beauties were capable of attracting men, there would never be any single actresses or models, and every woman who was merely cute, pretty, or charming would die an old maid. You would also never see any below-average-looking married people. (Have you ever walked past someone you think is homely holding his or her mate's hand and thought, Even they've found someone?) There is someone for everyone.

Just being beautiful is not going to keep a guy around. As Michael Caine said in the movie Alfie, "Whenever you meet a beautiful woman, just remember somewhere there's a man who's sick of s.h.a.gging her." Beautiful movie stars are unhappy in love all the time, and many a saucy girl-next-door type is beating away the guys with a stick. Why is this?

Because there's a huge difference between objective beauty and perceived beauty.

Objective beauty is not constant and changes over time. Looks go in and out of fashion, decade by decade. In the twenty-first century, one might say that toned abs, tanned skin, and straight hair are considered beautiful, whereas in the Renaissance, softer and larger women with pale skin and ma.s.ses of thick, wavy hair were the ones who made men swoon. Even the universally acclaimed beauties of the 1950s possessed different body types than those we value today. Marilyn Monroe, still considered one of the most stunning, s.e.xy women in history, had short, wavy hair, and might be considered chubby and out-of-shape by today's standards.

Perceived beauty, which creates visual chemistry, on the other hand, occurs when one becomes attractive through behavior. How charismatic you are in conversation, how you carry yourself, your ability to exude both confidence and playful energy, and how comfortable you are in creating s.e.xual tension-these behaviors are what creates the perception of beauty.

None of these qualities have anything to do with how objectively beautiful you may or may not be. No one can influence the cultural standards of objective beauty, but we all have ma.s.sive influence over our own perceived beauty. Luckily for us, when it comes to attraction and relationships, perceived beauty is the only kind that matters.

This explains why we can become extremely attracted to someone who on paper isn't our type. It's also why men will often be attracted initially to a woman based on her looks, and then after a tedious ten-minute conversation find her completely uns.e.xy, and even become turned off by how boring or superficial they find her. Such a turnoff can even happen within seconds of hearing her speak. Of course, the opposite also happens more than you think. A guy meets a woman he initially has no attraction to, and then she says or does something that captures his attention in a new way and BAM!-it's like a thunderbolt hit him.

Possessing objective beauty is sometimes useful for gaining initial attention, but if the spark a man feels is to grow into a flame, much more has to be going on. Indeed, the objectively beautiful woman often finds getting and keeping a guy much harder than does the woman of perceived beauty. When a great-looking woman is used to getting attention only for her looks, she may come to rely on that aspect of herself, leaving little incentive to work on the parts of her personality that bring long-term attraction. Her character remains underdeveloped because she's never had to rely on it to gain attention. I've often heard men complain about meeting an objectively beautiful woman with a disappointing personality. It's like seeing a bright shiny Ferrari, only to find that it contains a V-4 engine. No matter how slick the body of the car is, without quality components, it's of no real value.

When this happens, beauty becomes a liability.

Again, I'm not saying that looks are meaningless. Gorgeous women will always receive a lot of attention. But attention alone can fizzle out after a week, a month, a year, or even a single night. It is no guarantee of lasting attraction. You can't build a successful long-term relationship on initial attention.

Before I started hosting my Get the Guy weekend seminars, I primarily coached men. At the beginning of the seminar I would ask them to describe the woman of their dreams. I was always surprised that rather than a superficial list of physical traits, a majority produced an exhaustive list of character traits. They longed for a partner who was confident, s.e.xy, playful, independent, nurturing, sweet, caring, warm, feisty. When I pressed them further and asked, "What would she look like?" they would offer up the usual a.s.sortment of blondes, brunettes, and redheads. What is interesting about this is that the first response was never about looks, and when I pressed them to offer physical attributes, their responses were never expressed with as much pa.s.sion as the first set of traits.

So, just because a guy says, "I'm into blondes," it doesn't mean anything. I have a friend who claimed to be into blondes. Out of six girlfriends, five were brunettes. Why? Because what he superficially thinks he wants and what actually creates real attraction are two entirely different things. Attraction is emotional, not logical. Attraction is created by hundreds of small behaviors and actions over time, behaviors that can be learned, practiced, and put in the service of creating chemistry with a guy you like. Trust me, if you take this on and believe it, your guy will find you beautiful for all the right reasons, reasons that are specific to you and only you. You've heard this a million times, but it bears repeating here: visual chemistry comes from inner beauty. And any man in love will find his beloved beautiful.

Perceived challenge We all appreciate the things we have to work for and place less value on things we're given for free. The people we find ourselves attracted to are those whose attention we've had to earn. A woman with high standards is effortlessly attractive to men, because she gives them something to which they must aspire.

A high-value woman will always appear to be a challenge, because the guy she just met doesn't know her standards and will always be testing them.

Look at the familiar scenario of a guy taking a woman home at the end of the night. He is a guy, and because he's a guy, he's going to see about the possibility of having s.e.x. If she's a high-value woman, and one of her standards is no s.e.x on the first date, she's going to make it clear that it's not going to happen. This doesn't mean she's going to get all high and mighty and mood-killing. Instead she might say, "As cute as you are, I couldn't do that, because I am a lady." She's tongue-in-cheek, but she also means it.

Even though he's getting turned down, the guy remains attracted, because she's not only displaying her integrity, she's doing so in a way that's playful and flattering. She's not saying never, she's just saying not now. She's adhering to her standards, even though she finds him attractive.

This isn't to say that being a perceived challenge is only about will-she-or-won't-she have s.e.x, although this is a common arena in which being a perceived challenge is played out. Some women have guys chasing them in the initial stages of their courtship by presenting themselves as someone who has to be earned. Where they err is in making their s.e.xuality their only power. The predictable result is that the guy chases her for as long as she withholds s.e.x. Once he has her, the challenge is over. The attraction was all in the chase.

A woman can fail to be perceived as a challenge if she's overtly flirtatious, showers a guy with s.e.xual attention before he's shown any interest, or makes it obvious that he can have her regardless of his behavior. When a guy feels as if he hasn't earned your attention and that you'll be impressed no matter what he says, it kills his attraction. If he feels as if he could say or do whatever he wants, be as rude or obnoxious as he wants, and still get your attention no matter how he behaves, his attraction slowly dwindles. To remain attracted, he wants to see that you have high standards and to prove himself as being capable of living up to them.

Paradoxically, a woman who comes across as completely uninterested also isn't a perceived challenge. A popular piece of dating wisdom advises women to pretend as though you couldn't care less. This. Does. Not. Work. Acting uninterested can actually just take you off his radar entirely. If you appear aloof, standoffish, unfriendly, and difficult, most men won't risk approaching you for fear of rejection. People are only motivated to take action on goals they think are attainable. Playing the ice queen never fails to intimidate every man in the room. This isn't a good thing if you are looking to make a connection.

Perceived value Perceived value is the crucial element that makes a woman more than just a challenge. A woman who possesses perceived value is a woman of high value who's successfully managed to convey to a guy what she's all about.

The high-value woman demonstrates to a man that being with her is going to give him experiences that he could never have alone (or even with any other woman). Ultimately, whenever a man commits to a relationship it's because he realizes that being with this one special woman is infinitely more fulfilling than being single ever could be. A hundred random women can never compete with the power of the one woman who has made herself unique in his eyes.

The high-value woman is more than merely challenging, because she has a life that a man wants to be a part of. She has her own pa.s.sions. She derives her self-esteem internally and doesn't rely on validation from a man in order to feel good about herself. She thinks and acts independently. A high-value woman has a world for him to explore, made up of friends, amazing experiences, fulfilling work, things that he aspires to have in his own life.

Connection I mentioned the importance of connection earlier and the role it plays in the kinds of meaningful conversations that lead to first dates and beyond.

Connection is what makes someone realize he can be in his partner's company for hours on end. Pa.s.sion is no subst.i.tution for connection, and s.e.xual desire won't keep him hooked on your personality over the years. When we share that connection, just hanging out and watching a film seems exciting; we simply enjoy being in the other person's company. Connection requires us to be interested in someone's life, values, and standards. It's important to show on some level that we understand and can relate. So much of what we have discussed so far has been focused on your behavior and your value, and of course that is what this book is mainly about. However, I come back to the issue of connection time and again because it is the exchange of intimacies and experiences, not simply the offer of them, that creates a lasting relationship.

The Myth of Playing Hard-to-Get Playing hard-to-get is one of the worst tactics for attracting men in the long term, primarily because that's all it is-a tactic. Pretending to be aloof, uninterested, or always too busy, the hard-to-get woman is playacting. She makes herself seem like a scarce commodity to encourage the guy to chase her; when he finally gets what he wants, he's quickly bored and starts looking for another challenge. The attraction is built around the chase, instead of her. It's like dangling a string just out of reach of a cat. The cat goes crazy trying to grab the string, but when you finally drop the string, the cat loses interest.

When a woman relies on creating attraction using just the thrill of the chase, she finds herself pursued by only the most undiscerning, shamelessly persistent type of guys. These are the same guys who give up all dignity and self-respect just to get laid. Unlike a hard-to-get woman, a high-value woman knows that she is a challenge. She knows that she has high standards for the people she wants in her life, she doesn't have to fake the challenge. She is the woman a guy goes crazy for, the one who makes him realize that he has to raise his game to keep her.

Furthermore, a high-value woman can communicate her standards to a guy while also showing that she is interested in him. Having and communicating your standards is not about being hard to get, but about showing that only the guys who give you the most respect and investment of time and energy can get you.

A man feels deeply attracted when a high-value woman chooses him. Every man wants to feel that he has won his dream girl, and that something special about him caused her to choose him above every other guy in the world.

The bottom line is this: a guy wants a girl he feels no one else can get, not one he feels he can't get.

The Formula in Action Some people are naturally better at certain parts of the process of creating attraction than others. One woman might be great at displaying her s.e.xuality, so she has no problem creating visual chemistry and perceived challenge, yet she may struggle with making connection. She keeps everything hot, s.e.xy, and superficial, so while inflaming his physical desire, she never makes her guy interested in who she is in everyday life.

Another woman might excel at both displaying her value and making a connection, and have a half dozen guys who love her for who she is, which is like a sister. This woman falls down when it comes to creating visual chemistry or perceived challenge.

The most effective combination is when all of these attributes are working in concert. The degree or weight of each one will vary from woman to woman, and that's okay. What makes you special is your individuality. But that doesn't change the necessity of being aware of each of these important character traits and learning how to leverage them in your favor.

11.

A Word About Insecurity We touched on this subject earlier in the book, but I feel it is important enough to bring up again in another context.

It's one thing to understand the formula for ultimate attraction, another to accept that it can truly work for you. Once a woman at one of my seminars laughed out loud when I suggested that any woman can create attraction with a first-rate guy.

I know that it's a challenge to dismiss your insecurities. There is always some aspect of yourself you worry about, whether it is physical-your shape, your height, your imperfect teeth, your slightly crooked nose, your oddly shaped ears, your thighs, your knees, that scar, that birthmark, that mole-or something deeper, like where you're from, your educational background, your health history, or any number of life experiences. (By the way, men fret about all these things too!) You worry that after you've gone to all the work of building a fascinating social circle, finding and meeting a number of guys, creating connection through a fantastic conversation with one guy, playfully trading numbers, arranging a promising meet-up, now what? What happens when he gets a good look at you in broad daylight? When he realizes you're actually a good two inches taller than he is? When he sees you naked? Then what?

Back when I was in school a girl I liked once offered this completely unsolicited opinion: "You look really ugly when you smile." I'd been trying to appear friendlier and more approachable, having just read a book about body language that claimed smiling improves your looks. I still remember how devastated I felt.

But from this painful exchange-I really liked that girl-I learned a valuable lesson: one person doesn't hold the world's opinion. To fail to realize this is to allow one insensitive or hurtful comment to stick with you for years, festering as wounds sometimes do, and creating a belief about yourself based on nothing more than an offhand or even mean-spirited comment by someone who probably didn't realize that what they were saying might deeply offend you.

Indeed, a lot of us still carry insecurities today based on stupid comments made many years ago. We have a terrible tendency in life to focus only on our critics, those people who say the worst about us or those who react to us negatively. We cannot control someone else's response to us, but we can control our response to them.

A Golden Principle for Dealing with Insecurity One of the most important lessons to learn about human dynamics is that first reactions don't count, because they are the least important. There are three things going on that contribute to someone's initial reaction to you: 1.Their previously held belief system and experiences. These things have nothing to do with you. (Maybe their last girlfriend had the same haircut, or you remind them of a teacher they hated in college . . . it could be anything.) 2.Their current mood-are they having a good day or a bad day? A bad day might make someone predisposed to shutting you out.

3.You.

So you are only one of three elements that influence someone's response. Since there is no way to know or measure what that implies, it is best to not pay too much attention to it. What does matter is your reaction to theirs.

Let's say you're six feet three inches tall and used to feeling awkward about being taller than most men. The next time someone says, "My G.o.d, you're tall!" instead of feeling self-conscious and apologetic, you can decide to appear comfortable and confident, and totally own it by saying, "I know, it's great. I can see everything from up here." Seeing that you are unaffected by the comment, the guy now perceives what may have been a negative attribute as a positive one.

When we own even our imperfections, our insecurities lose their power over us.

Everyone Has Baggage and Why It Doesn't Matter The longer we live, the fuller our lives become. We sometimes convince ourselves that our history will turn off a potential partner. In the same way that we may feel insecure about our looks, we may feel embarra.s.sed and uncertain about some of the stories that make up who we are. Not only is this unnecessary, but it is our past experiences that help create depth of character. The only regret or turnoff is bitterness. The rest is the stuff of life.

Why your age doesn't matter There's no such thing as a perfect age. At twenty-one, you worry that a thirty-year-old guy is going to see you as inexperienced and immature. At forty-one, you worry that a guy will see you as over the hill. The reality is that where attraction is concerned, age rarely matters.

Remember, attraction is emotional, not logical. Some guys will say they're only into younger women, or older women, but what they think they want doesn't matter. I've known many guys who've married women nowhere near the age range they claimed they wanted.

Whatever our age, we have to learn to sell it as a strength. Any age can be used to your advantage. If you're twenty-one and feel immature and unworldly, you can play up your curiosity, which will give a guy the chance to show you the world and watch you grow. If you're older, you can play two cards: you bring a level of maturity and knowledge of the world and life (and s.e.x, by the way) that a guy might not be able to get with a younger women, while also demonstrating youthful qualities like a desire for fun and adventure. This is a powerful and s.e.xy combination of traits. Men aren't attracted to young women, they are attracted to youthfulness. Youth is something we do, not something we are.

When I was in my twenties, I once dated a women in her late thirties, and before we started dating her att.i.tude toward me was "Not another one of those ridiculous young guys. I've got more of those coming after me than I know what do to with!" Then, when I finally had her attention, she teased me by saying, "I'm not so sure you can handle me." She was not my usual type, but she created attraction by treating her own age as a positive. She convinced me that she wasn't quite sure I was enough for her. She flipped the script!

Why your past relationships don't matter Maybe you've had a string of relationships that didn't work out. Maybe you stick with a guy for a year or two, then for one reason or another, you both move on. Maybe you've been married and divorced-maybe even more than once.

Guys care about the details of your past a lot less than most women imagine. They're concerned much less about where you've been than about what your past may have taught you along the way and where you are going. What guys do respond negatively to is an embittered or cynical att.i.tude, one that tells him that you are not yet emotionally detached from another guy or relationship. The important thing is to move forward with hope and optimism. The fact that your ex-boyfriend cheated on you means less to a new guy than your constant grumbling about how all men are cheaters.

Let the past go. When we're terrified of s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up or getting hurt, we can cripple ourselves and our potential new relationship from the start.

Why being a single mom doesn't matter A lot of women reel off statistics to me about single mothers and share many depressing anecdotes about shallow guys who flee the moment they hear a woman has a kid at home. I don't deny that these guys exist. But remember, statistics don't matter to the individual. You only need to meet one great guy who thinks you're amazing, regardless of who you're whipping up mac 'n' cheese for at home. Besides, why would you even begin to be interested in a man who can't appreciate how awesome children are and how the fact that you are a mother might add depth to your connection.