Fruits of Culture Part 24

Enter Tanya in her stockings and in a dress of the colour of the wall-paper. Simon laughs.

TaNYA. Shsh!... They'll hear! There, stick these matches on your fingers as before. [Sticks them on] Well, do you remember everything?

SIMON [bending his fingers in, one by one] First of all, wet the matches and wave my hands about, that's one. Then make my teeth chatter, like this ... that's two. But I've forgotten the third thing.

TaNYA. And it's the third as is the chief thing. Don't forget as soon as the paper falls on the table--I shall ring the little bell--then you do like this.... Spread your arms out far and catch hold of some one, whoever it is as sits nearest, and catch hold of him. And then squeeze!

[Laughs] Whether it's a gentleman or a lady, it's all one; you just squeeze 'em, and don't let 'em go,--as if it were in your sleep, and chatter with your teeth, or else howl like this. [Howls sotto-voce] And when I begin to play on the guitar, then stretch yourself as if you were waking up, you know.... Will you remember everything?

SIMON. Yes, I'll remember, but it is too funny.

TaNYA. But mind you don't laugh. Still, it won't matter much if you do laugh; they'd think it was in your sleep. Only take care you don't really fall asleep when they put out the lights.

SIMON. No fear, I'll pinch my ears.

TaNYA. Well then Sim darling, only mind do as I tell you, and don't get frightened. He'll sign the paper, see if he don't! They're coming!

Gets under the sofa.

Enter Grossman and the Professor, Leonid Fyodoritch and the Fat Lady, the Doctor, Sahatof and Anna Pavlovna. Simon stands near the door.

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. Please come in, all you doubters! Though we have a new and accidentally discovered medium, I expect very important phenomena to-night.

SAHaTOF. That's very, very interesting.

FAT LADY [pointing to Simon] _Mais il est tres bien!_[12]

[12] FAT LADY. But he looks quite nice.

ANNA PaVLOVNA. Yes, as a butler's a.s.sistant, but hardly ...

SAHaTOF. Wives never have any faith in their husbands' work. You don't believe in anything of this kind?

ANNA PaVLOVNA. Of course not. Kaptchitch, it is true, has something exceptional about him, but Heaven knows what all this is about!

FAT LADY. No, Anna Pavlovna, permit me, you can't decide it in such a way. Before I was married, I once had a remarkable dream. Dreams, you know, are often such that you don't know where they begin and where they end; it was just such a dream that I ...

Enter Vasily Leoniditch and Petristchef.

FAT LADY. And much was revealed to me by that dream. Nowadays the young people [points to Petristchef and Vasily Leoniditch] deny everything.

VASiLY LEONiDITCH. But look here, you know--now I, for instance, never deny anything! Eh, what?

Betsy and Marya Konstantinovna enter, and begin talking to Petristchef.

FAT LADY. And how can one deny the supernatural? They say it is unreasonable. But what if one's reason is stupid; what then? There now, on Garden Street, you know ... why, well, it appeared every evening! My husband's brother--what do you call him? Not _beau-frere_--what's the other name for it?--I never can remember the names of these different relationships--well, he went there three nights running, and still he saw nothing; so I said to him ...

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. Well, who is going to stay here?

FAT LADY. I! I!

SAHaTOF. I.

ANNA PaVLOVNA [to Doctor] Do you mean to say you are going to stay?

DOCTOR. Yes; I must see, if only once, what it is that Alexey Vladimiritch has discovered in it. How can we deny anything without proofs?

ANNA PaVLOVNA. Then I am to take it to-night for certain?

DOCTOR. Take what?... Oh, the powder. Yes, it would perhaps be better.

Yes, yes, take it.... However, I shall come upstairs again.

ANNA PaVLOVNA. Yes please, do. [Loud] When it is over, _mesdames et messieurs_, I shall expect you to come to me upstairs to rest from your emotions, and then we will finish our rubber.

FAT LADY. Oh, certainly.

SAHaTOF. Yes, thanks!

Exit Anna Pavlovna.

BETSY [to Petristchef] You must stay, I tell you. I promise you something extraordinary. Will you bet?

MaRYA KONSTANTiNOVNA. But you don't believe in it?

BETSY. To-day I do.

MaRYA KONSTANTiNOVNA [to Petristchef] And do you believe?

PETRiSTCHEF. "I can't believe, I cannot trust a heart for falsehood framed." Still, if Elizabeth Leonidovna commands ...

VASiLY LEONiDITCH. Let us stay, Marya Konstantinovna. Eh, what? I shall invent something _epatant_.

MaRYA KONSTANTiNOVNA. No, you mustn't make me laugh. You know I can't restrain myself.

VASiLY LEONiDITCH [loud] I remain!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH [severely] But I beg those who remain not to joke about it. It is a serious matter.

PETRiSTCHEF. Do you hear? Well then, let's stay. Vovo, sit here, and don't be too shy.

BETSY. Yes, it's all very well for you to laugh; but just wait till you see what will happen.

VASiLY LEONiDITCH. Oh, but supposing it's true? Won't it be a go! Eh, what?

PETRiSTCHEF [trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Marya Konstantinovna, I'm afraid! My tootsies tremble.

BETSY [laughing] Not so loud.

All sit down.