Friends Or Lovers Part 17

"Penny, I care about you. This is serious."

"Yes. This is serious. Its going to come down on my f.u.c.king head not yours."

I was getting more and more defensive and angry.

"Dont be like that. Im trying to help. I dont want to lose your friendship, but this could come between us if Mike asks me to testify."

"Why on earth would he do that? This is nothing to do with you."

"Penny, this is my field. I act as an expert witness at tribunals."

"How? Why? You know nothing about this case, really, you are just telling one side of the story."

"I try not to take sides, just give a professional opinion."

"You what? Youre saying you might testify against me?"

"Penny! Hes been a friend all my life. Hes been like a father to me. h.e.l.l ask for my help and I will give it to him."

"You are going to testify against me, arent you?"

"Not if we can find another way."

"Another way? Is there another way? You said h.e.l.l have a solicitor with him this afternoon....."

"There is a way out. Youll have to grab it with both hands this afternoon."

"Well, Im fresh out of ideas. Amuse me."

I wished that I could stop myself being sarcastic and argumentative but I was shaking from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I felt like I was being driven by something outside myself. At the moment I was not in control, just existing from second to second, hoping somehow I would disappear down a hole in the ground and this would all go away.

"You must listen this afternoon. Dont say anything, just listen. Listen to the story the way it is told by the other parties. Make notes, lots of notes. Do whatever you have to do to get the company to offer mediation to all the parties involved. Help him with his domestic situation until the mediation is complete. Dont admit liability, but acknowledge the points of view of the other parties."

"I dont know if I can do that," I said weakly.

"If you dont, this is going to end up in a court of law."

"Ill have to involve the company lawyers....."

"No! You mustnt do that," he shouted. "The moment you talk to them, theyll call your insurers and the insurers will instruct you to have no further contact. If you contact Mike after talking to your insurers, the insurers will not cover your employer for any losses. You and the company will be completely exposed. You have to mediate. Once you talk to your legal team it will be out of your hands and will go to court."

"I cant handle this, John. This is too big for me. Anyway, why should I take your advice? I hardly know you."

He looked hurt at my words but composed himself.

"Penny," he said firmly. "Once a formal process starts its almost impossible to stop."

I wanted to talk to Dave. For all I knew, John was doing this to save Mike, to protect him. My responsibility was to the company. Not John. Not Mike. I had to protect the companys interests. John was not put off and continued his attempts to persuade me.

"Penny, please listen. Please. You are personally at risk from prosecution."

"I b.l.o.o.d.y know that. Do you think you get to my position and not know stuff like that?"

I resented him treating me like an idiot.

"And if I dont tell the legal team, then I could lose my job as well. Do you appreciate that, John?"

My fiery response took him back a bit and he regrouped.

"There are risks. But do you think theyll protect you? They might get you through the court case, but what then? What of your future career?"

"Oh G.o.d! I dont know!"

Privately, I did. There was little chance I would survive after such a misjudgement.

"What if you can mediate?" he insisted. "What if you can get Mike and his wife back together?"

The pretence that we were talking about hypothetical characters had completely vanished. This was as real as it gets.

"I cant authorise that on my own. At the very least, Id need Daves support."

"Would he help?"

"I couldnt do this without him. Were close. I cant keep this from him."

"Would he help?"

"I see him later tonight. I can run it past him. I dont think h.e.l.l like this."

The waitress brought our food and asked if wed like any more drinks. I looked at the meal in front of me. In any other circ.u.mstances it would have looked beautiful and tasted delicious, but I picked at it intermittently. I felt sick.

"Im sorry for getting angry," I said.

"Its okay. How could you know?"

Indeed, how could I know? There was so much that Id not been told. John continued.

"We can only see what we look for. Its a kind of blindness," he said.

It sounded like he was criticising my judgement.

"What do you mean?" I asked sharply.

"What?" he reacted, sensing immediately he had irked me. "I mean that you were looking at the situation the way the vast majority of people look at such situations. We a.s.sume men pursue women, and that women spend most of their time resisting men."

"Dont stereotype me. I wasnt blind to this!" I said with some irritation.

"No more than anyone else," he said in a slightly frosty way.

"And youre the big shot who thinks he knows?" I said sarcastically.

"Im sorry. I didnt mean to sound critical. Its a common problem. Unless you understand that both men and women are initiating and responding in different ways it is easy to presume the man is doing all the initiating and is always to blame."

"Stop talking like a f.u.c.king academic..."

I wished I could stop myself behaving in such an angry way, but it just kept pouring out of me.

"Sorry. Im sure you are very knowledgeable."

I simmered for a few minutes and ate my food. John ventured a question.

"Who is protecting the men, Penny?"

"What?" I responded. I remembered Mike saying something similar during our earlier argument.

"Women arent weak," he said. "You know that."

I looked at him coolly.

"Equality means protecting both s.e.xes," he said looking me firmly in the eye.

I nodded.

"As one of my friends told me a few years ago 'if you think women are weak, try divorcing one!"

"John. You are so f.u.c.king pompous!"

He smiled.

"You are not the first person to say that," he laughed.

"Good!" I added.

"But this is my field!" he responded.

"b.u.g.g.e.r off!" was all I could say.

He laughed again and I found that I could not sustain my anger with him. I started to realise that I was being deeply unfair to him. As the remorse grew, I looked at him.

"Sorry," I said with as much conviction as I could muster.

Right now I had a plateful of food and an attractive man sitting opposite. I was not going to waste either a moment longer.

"Shall we enjoy the rest of our meal?" I continued, offering a conciliatory smile.

When he saw this, his own smile broadened and I realised how tense he had been throughout. As his body relaxed, I considered what an ordeal this must have been for him. Hearing this story from Mike, and then deciding to tell me over lunch, must have been difficult for him. It would have been much easier for ignore it, or cry off the lunch date and avoid me.

We chatted away, about nothing in particular, for the next hour. As we departed, he reiterated that the situation could go pear shaped if the legal teams got involved. I acknowledged what he was saying but said that I still didnt see how I could avoid discussing this internally. I had to protect myself, not just the other parties. As I left the restaurant, it was this last point that occupied my mind. How was I going to protect myself while finding a way to resolve the situation?

We said our goodbyes outside the restaurant and agreed to call each other the following evening. I saw real concern in his eyes, and for the first time I saw him more as a friend than a potential lover. Parting turned out to be quite difficult. We stood there chatting for a bit then going silent then chatting some more. Neither of us wanted to walk away. Eventually, he said "come here" and guided by an external force I stepped forward and fell into his arms. He hugged me for a whole minute and I just clung on for as long as I could. Sometimes words are so inadequate and unnecessary. Touching says everything that needs to be said. I guess John must have felt the same way.

Chapter 26.

By the time I returned to work all my doubts and dilemmas had returned. I felt so torn about what to do that I went to the staff canteen for another coffee. Others could see I was troubled and avoided me. I thought about visiting the legal department to spill all this out, but Johns caution made me pause at least for now. Another part of me wanted to find Dave and have a heart to heart but he was preoccupied with the product launch.

Another thing that consumed me was how I felt about myself. I was ashamed. If I had got things completely wrong then I was responsible for a great deal of misery. Elonas distress, and that of Nathan, Mike and his wife, even John these all beat a path to my door. And yet, how could I have known? Was I being too hard on myself? n.o.body would explain. n.o.body would talk. How could I have known? So, I sat there both angry at myself and at others. In the end, I decided to follow some of Johns advice. I hatched a plan.

"Hi Phil," I said as I returned to my office. "I need to discuss things with you before we go into the meeting."

He looked as apprehensive as I felt, and my invitation to discuss things did nothing to reduce his unease.

"Come into my office for a chat."

At this suggestion, his apprehension seemed to progress to outright fear but he obediently followed me.

"Can you close the door?" I asked, and he duly obliged.

I had gathered my thoughts and knew how I wanted to play this. Phil was my first port of call for a good reason. I took a deep breath and made a start.

"Ive been thinking a lot about Mikes outburst."

I paused for a moment to see if Phil would say anything, but his eyes remained fixed and expressionless.

"What if hes right?"

At this suggestion, Phils lips parted and his rigid body began to move and come alive. His hands, both of which had been in his lap, suddenly surfaced and started to gesture strongly. Everything about his body screamed "Thank G.o.d!" His words, however, were cautious.

"That thought had occurred to me too. It makes more sense."

The idea that Phil has worked out the situation without help came as both a relief and a surprise. I wondered whether I should have solicited his opinion more quickly.

"If he is right, Phil.....," I let the words linger for a moment, "......how are we going to approach this meeting?"

As I asked this question, Phils moment of relief ended and his face became thoughtful again. Clearly he had not expected this, or considered this question, so I gave him a few moments by leaving the room to make coffee. When I returned, he was more relaxed.

"Any ideas?" I asked as I walked in the door.

"I think we need to admit that maybe we got it wrong. Then listen and listen and listen....."