Friends I Have Made Part 12

"For I was weak, faint, and heart-sick, and the coins in my purse had dwindled down, so that if I did not succeed in obtaining an engagement in a very few days, I had no resource but to creep back to the country and avow my failure.

"Just three months since, and we were all so happy in the little country vicarage; and then, in visiting one of his people, my poor father caught a dangerous fever, while in tending him my dear mother was stricken with the same complaint, and ere three weeks had pa.s.sed Minna and I sat in the little study alone, in deep black; for the struggle had been brief, and those we loved lay together in the green churchyard, and we were only intruders now in the vicarage that had been our home.

"We were nearly penniless, too, but a brother clergyman of my father's, quite as poor, came forward and offered us a temporary home till, as he said, some opening should occur for us.

"I gladly accepted it for Minna; but, for myself, I was determined to try great London and, unaided, fight my way. In two years John Murray was to come back from Australia to fetch me for his wife, and till then I would be independent. So the day came at last when, with many tears, we two girls had to separate, and with aching heart I left the old Lincolnshire home, and reached the great dreary void of London early one afternoon.

"I was not long in finding a place where I could stay in the shape of a second-floor front room in one of those heart-aching streets near the Foundling--streets that echo from morning to night with mournful cries uttered by vendors whose goods it is impossible to surmise, and with the dismal echoing tones of the various organs. So painful were these last to me, that often of an evening, when I have returned from a weary, disheartening search for an engagement, and sat alone and hungry, fearing to spend my money in anything beyond the tea and bread-and-b.u.t.ter upon which I existed, these doleful strains--cheering, perhaps, to some--have had such an effect upon me that I have sat and sobbed till, utterly worn out, I have fallen asleep, to wake, perhaps hours after, to find it very late, and crawl shivering off to bed.

"As the weeks pa.s.sed on, and my advertis.e.m.e.nts and fees paid to the various registry offices had been without effect, I used to crawl back to my room, growing more and more disheartened. I was always a plain sallow-looking girl, and now in my fast-wearing black I began to feel that I was day by day growing more shabby and weary-looking, and that my feeble chances of obtaining a post were growing less and less.

"I used to sit and ask myself whether I had tried hard, and I knew I had; but there was only one result. Whether I advertised for a situation as governess, or went from a registry office to offer myself as companion to a lady, it was always the same; I noticed a look of disappointment as soon as I entered the room, for I was neither pretty nor bright-looking, and my mournful black helped to sadden my aspect.

It was, I say, always the same--the lady did not think I should suit her; and in blank despair I had to go away.

"And now it had come to this: that my landlady had grown as tired of me as the people at the registry offices, where I had more than once been rudely told that I was not likely to get a place as governess or companion, but had better look lower in the scale. That afternoon, evidently suspicious of my ability to pay, and perhaps disgusted with my miserable way of living, and afraid that I should be left an invalid upon her hands, she had--rudely, it seemed to me--requested me to leave.

"In my present circ.u.mstances I was utterly prostrated by the news, for I dared not take lodgings elsewhere; and I could see no prospect now but to sell a portion of my scanty wardrobe, and go back to beg for a.s.sistance from my father's friend.

"What a change! and how soon had my hopes of independent action been blighted! I was heartsore as I felt how that in that great city there was wealth being squandered and luxury around me while I was literally starving; for my poor living was telling upon me fast. What should I do? What should I do?

"It was with weary iteration I had said those words, and wept till tears came no more, and a dull, stolid feeling of despair had come upon me. I had almost shrunk away in the streets from the bright-faced, happy girls I pa.s.sed; and at times I found myself asking what was my sin that I should be punished as I had been.

"I lay awake that night for many hours watching the light from the street lamp playing upon my ceiling, and at last, towards morning, the remembrance of words I had often heard came to me with a calm sense of repose, trust, and restfulness, and I believe I fell asleep at last with a smile upon my lips, repeating a portion of that comforting sentence ending, `Are ye not much better than they?'

"It was a bright, sunshiny morning when I awoke, to hear some one knocking at my door; and hurrying on a few things, I answered.

"`Ah! I was just a-going to take 'em down again,' said my landlady harshly. `Some folks can afford to lie in bed all day; I can't. Here's two letters for you. And mind this. Miss Laurie: I never bargained to come tramping up to the top of the house with letters and messages for you.'

"`I'm very much obliged, Mrs Ruddock,' I said gently, as I took the letters with trembling hands, while, muttering and complaining, their bearer went down stairs. It seemed very hard then, but I believe it was the woman's habit, and that she was not bad at heart, but warped and cankered by poverty, hard work, and ill-usage from a drunken husband, whom she entirely kept.

"One letter I saw at a glance was from Minna, the other was in a strange crabbed hand; and I longed to read them; but exercising my self-denial, I dressed, lit my fire, and prepared my very frugal breakfast before sitting down and devouring Minna's news.

"What right had I to murmur as I did last night? I asked myself, when she was evidently so happy and contented; and then I opened, with fluttering hand, the other letter, and was puzzled by it at first; but at last I recalled the fact that three weeks before I had answered an advertis.e.m.e.nt in the _Times_ where a lady wanted a companion.

"The note was very brief and curt, and ran as follows:--

"If Miss Laurie is not engaged, she can call upon Mrs Langton Porter, 47, Morton Street, Park Village South, at eleven o'clock to-morrow-- Thursday."

"`At last!' I said to myself, joyfully; and with beating heart I prepared myself for my journey, for the appointment was for that morning.

"Just as I had pretty well timed myself for my walk, a sudden squall came on, the sky was darkened, snow fell heavily, and in place of a morning in spring we seemed to have gone back into winter, for in a very short time the snow lay thickly, and the branches of the trees were whitened in the squares.

"Weak as I was, this disheartened me, but I fought my way bravely on, and just at eleven rang timidly at the door of an important-looking house, and was superciliously shown, by a stout tall footman in drab livery, into a handsomely-furnished room. Everything in the place I noticed was rich and good: heavy curtains hung by window and door; skins and Eastern rugs lay on the polished wood floor; a tremendous fire blazed in a great bra.s.s fire place, and the flames danced and were reflected from the encaustic tiles with which it was surrounded.

"`I'll take your note in,' said the footman, as I handed it. `You can sit down.'

"I preferred to stand, and as soon as I was alone I shivered with fear and cold, as I caught a glance of my pale, sallow face in a great mirror. Every moment I expected to see the owner of the place, but I remained standing wearily for an hour, and then I sighed and turned wistfully to look at the door, wondering whether the footman had taken in the note which I had given him as my pa.s.sport.

"I started, for close behind me, having entered unheard, was a rather plump tall lady in black. She was dressed as if for going out, and well wrapped in furs.

"`Oh! you are waiting,' she said harshly; and a shade of displeasure crossed her face, as she looked full at me till my eyes dropped.

`There, Miss--Miss--Miss!'

"`Laurie,' I suggested.

"`Yes, yes; I know,' she said sharply; `it is in my note. Pray, why in the name of common sense did you not sit down? Take that chair. Now then, have you been companion to a lady before?'

"`No, ma'am,' I replied; and then, in answer to her questions, all very sharply given, I told her so much as was necessary of my story.

"`I don't think you will suit me,' she said; `I've had misery enough, and I want some one cheerful and agreeable, a lady whom I can trust, and who will be a pleasant companion. There, I'm sure there is not such a body in London, for the way I've been imposed upon is dreadful! I've had six in six months, and the number of applications I have had nearly drove me out of my senses. I've had one since you wrote to me--a creature whose sole idea was herself. I want one who will make me her first consideration. I don't mind what I pay, but I want some one tall and lady-like, and you are not pretty, you know.'

"I shook my head sadly.

"`Humph! Well,' she went on, `you won't be so giddy, and be always thinking of getting married. There, you need not blush like that; it's what all the companions I have had seem to think about. You don't I suppose?'

"`I am engaged to be married,' I said, hanging down my head, `in a couple of years.'

"`Ho! Well, he mustn't come here, for I'm a very selfish pragmatical old woman; and if I engaged you--which I don't think I shall do--I should want you all to myself. What is he?'

"`A surgeon--abroad,' I faltered.

"`Ho! That's better; and perhaps he'll settle there altogether without you.'

"I looked at her indignantly, and she laughed.

"`Ah! I know, my good girl. I haven't lived to eight-and-forty for nothing. How old are you?'

"`Twenty,' I said, shivering, for her rough way repelled me, and I longed to bring the interview to an end.

"`Why, the girl's cold,' she said roughly. `H'm, twenty! Here, go up to the fire, and have a good warm; it's dreadful weather. There, pull off your bonnet and jacket. Put them on that chair, and go closer to the fire; I've a deal to say to you yet, for I'm not going to engage another young person and have to change directly.'

"I obeyed her, trembling the while, for I was very weak; and she went on asking me questions and making comments.

"`I don't like your appearance at all: you look pale and unhealthy. Not a bit like a girl from the country.'

"`I'm very sorry,' I said; `but indeed, ma'am, I have excellent health.'

"`Then your face tells stories about you. You play, of course?'

"`Yes, ma'am.'

"`You're warm now. Go and play something. Can you sing?'

"`Yes, ma'am.'

"`Then sing too; and look here, Miss--Miss--Miss--'

"I was about to tell her my name, but remembering the last rebuff, I was silent.