Fool's Fate Part 46

A silence followed my words, and I realized I had shocked her. Then she said, gently, "I am glad that, at last, you have found that resolve. I speak now as a woman and your friend. Do not go to Molly too soon. Let her son come home to her first. Let her family heal around their terrible wound. Then, approach her, but as yourself, not as a man coming to take Burrich's place."

I knew her words were wise as soon as I heard them. But my heart howled to rush to Molly as soon as I could, to begin, as soon as possible, to make up the years we had lost. I wanted to comfort her in her grief. I bowed my head, realizing the selfishness of that impulse. Hard as it would be for me to stand to one side and wait, it was what I should do, for the sake of Burrich's sons.

"And the same for Nettle," Kettricken went on implacably. "She will soon know that something has changed when I do not call on her to pa.s.s messages to Dutiful for me. Yet, if you will listen to me, do not rush to her. Above all, do not try to replace her father. For such Burrich was to her, Fitz, through no fault of your own. Such he will always be. You will have to find another role in her life, and be content with it."

They were bitter words for me to hear, and more bitter still was it for me to admit, "I know." I sighed. "I will teach her the Skill. That time, I will have with her."

I resumed my tale for the Queen, and by the time I reached the end of it, the pot of tea was gone. I was a bit abashed to see that I had cleared the table of food. I suspected that Kettricken had eaten little of it. I blinked my sandy eyes and tried to stifle a huge yawn. She smiled at me wearily.

"Go and sleep, Fitz."

"Thank you. I shall." Then, well aware I was not supposed to know her ident.i.ty, I asked the Queen, "If you would speak to Chade's new apprentice, it would be of great help to me. The third storeroom in the east hall is where he used to have supplies left for Thick to bring up to his tower room. As soon as the Fool can travel, I plan to bring him back to Buckkeep. The tower room might be the best place for him to stay, until he can shed his ident.i.ty as Lord Golden. Chade's apprentice could stock the room if she-" And there I bit my tongue, knowing I'd betrayed myself in my weariness.

Queen Kettricken gave me a tolerant smile. "I'll tell Lady Rosemary to make the arrangements. And if I need you?"

I pondered briefly, then realized the obvious. "Ask Nettle to contact Thick."

She shook her head. "I plan to send Nettle home to her family for a time. They need her. It is not fair that they be apart at this time."

I nodded. "Thick will be about. You could keep him at your side. It might be a good way to occupy him and keep him from telling too many tales of how he came home."

She nodded gravely. I bowed, suddenly horribly weary.

"Go, Fitz, and take my thanks with you. Oh!" The sharpness of her intake of breath warned me.

"What?"

"Lady Patience is expected. She sent me word of her visit at the same time that she told me she wished to convey Withywoods on Lady Nettle. She also warned me that she wished to 'consult me on serious matters concerning certain inheritances that should be provided for now.'"

There was little point in mincing words. "I am sure she knows that Nettle is my daughter. Eda help the poor child if Patience has decided to take over her education." I smiled ruefully at my remembrance of Patience's instruction of me.

Queen Kettricken nodded to that. Solemnly she asked, "What is the saying? All your chickens have come home to roost?"

"I think that's it. But strangely enough, my lady queen, I welcome them."

"I am glad to hear you say so." She nodded to me that I was excused.

I left the room, and the climb back up to Chade's tower seemed endless. When I got there, I lay down on the bed. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but it suddenly seemed the Skill-current was very near. Perhaps it was because of my long exercise with it that morning. I opened my eyes and became aware I could smell myself. I heaved a sigh and decided that getting cleaned up before I slept would not be a bad idea.

Once more I wound my way through the immense old castle, avoiding the guardroom and the inevitable barrage of questions. I found the steams relatively deserted at that time of day. The two guardsmen there did not know me, and while they greeted me affably enough, they asked no questions. I was as much relieved at that as I was to sc.r.a.pe the whiskers from my face. I gave myself a most thorough scrubbing and then, feeling as if I had been parboiled, emerged clean and ready to sleep.

Nettle was waiting for me outside the steams.

chapter 33.

FAMILY.

So I shall have to travel to Buckkeep, in the heat of summer, because I dare not trust either the tidings I bring or the items that must be transferred to a courier. My old Lacey has declared she will make the journey with me, despite a weakness of her breath that has taken her lately. I beg that, for her sake, you will find us quarters that do not require the climbing of too many stairs.I will require a private audience with you, for the time has come when I should reveal a secret I have concealed for many years. As you are not a stupid woman, I suspect you have guessed part of it already, but I should still like to sit down and discuss with you what had best be done for the good of the young woman involved.- MISSIVE FROM LADY PATIENCE TO QUEEN KETTRICKEN MISSIVE FROM LADY PATIENCE TO QUEEN KETTRICKEN I knew her at once by her close-cropped head. But there her resemblance to my dream-image of her stopped. The traveling dress she wore was green, cut for riding, and she carried a cloak of sensible brown homespun. Plainly, she saw herself as looking like her mother, for thus she had appeared in my dreams. To my eyes, she more strongly resembled Molly's father but with some Fa.r.s.eer elements thrown into the mix. It was a Fa.r.s.eer gaze that she fixed on me as I emerged, at once dashing my hope that I might walk past her unrecognized. I halted where I stood.

I froze and waited dumbly for what might come. She continued to regard me levelly. After a moment, she said quietly, "Do you think that if you stand very still, I can't see you, Shadow Wolf?"

I smiled foolishly. Her voice was low-pitched, deeper than one might expect in a girl, like Molly's at that age. "I . . . no, of course not. I know you can see me. But . . . how did you know me?"

She came two steps closer. I looked around us and then I walked away from the steams, well aware that for a young n.o.blewoman of the Buckkeep court to be seen casually chatting with an older guardsman might excite gossip. She walked beside me, following me unquestioningly as I led her toward a secluded bench in the Women's Garden. "Oh, it was very easy. You had promised you'd reveal yourself to me, did you not? I knew you were coming home. Dutiful said as much when we spoke last night, that soon I would be freed of these duties for a time. So, when the Queen summoned me and told me I might return home, to comfort my mother for a time, I knew what it meant. That you were here. Then." And she smiled, a genuine smile of pleasure. "I encountered Thick, on his way up to the Queen as I was leaving her. I knew him by his music, as well as by his name. And he knew me, at first glance. Such a hug he gave me! It shocked Lady Sydel, but she will recover. I asked Thick where his traveling companion was. He shut his eyes for a moment, and told me, 'In the steams.' So I came and I waited there."

I wished that Thick had warned me. "And you knew me when you saw me?"

She gave a small hmph. hmph. "I recognized the dismay on your face at being found out. None of the other men who have come out gawked at me that way." She gave me a sideways glance, well pleased with herself, but there were little sparks in her eyes. I wondered if mine looked like that when I was angry. She spoke calmly and competently, just as Molly sometimes used to do when she was storing up fuel for a rage. After a moment's reflection, I decided she had the right to be annoyed with me. I had promised to make myself known to her when I returned. And I had intended to evade that promise. "I recognized the dismay on your face at being found out. None of the other men who have come out gawked at me that way." She gave me a sideways glance, well pleased with herself, but there were little sparks in her eyes. I wondered if mine looked like that when I was angry. She spoke calmly and competently, just as Molly sometimes used to do when she was storing up fuel for a rage. After a moment's reflection, I decided she had the right to be annoyed with me. I had promised to make myself known to her when I returned. And I had intended to evade that promise.

"Well. You've found me," I said lamely, and instantly knew it was exactly the wrong thing to say to her.

"Small thanks to you!" She seated herself solidly on the bench. I stood, well aware of the disparity in our apparent ranks. She had to look up at me, but it did not seem that way when she demanded, "What is your name, sir?"

So I had to give her the name by which I was known when I wore the blue of a Buckkeep Guard. "Tom Badgerlock, my lady. Of the Prince's Guard."

She suddenly looked like a cat with a mouse between her paws. "That's convenient for me. The Queen said she would have a guardsman accompany me on my journey home. I'll take you." It was a challenge flung down.

"I am not free to go, my lady." It sounded like an excuse and I hastily added, "I take over your duties, as you have guessed. I act as go-between for Lord Chade, Prince Dutiful, and our gracious queen."

"Surely Thick could do that."

"His magic is strong, but he has his limits, my lady."

"My lady!" she muttered disdainfully. "And what shall I call you, then? Lord Wolf?" She shook her head, exasperated with me. "I know you are telling me the truth. Worse luck for me." Her shoulders slumped suddenly, and her youth and grief were more apparent. "It is not an easy tale I bring home to my mother and brothers. But they deserve to know the manner of our father's death. And that Swift did not abandon him." Without thinking, she lifted her hands and ran them through her shortened hair until it stood up in spires and peaks all over her head. "This magic of the Skill has not been an easy burden for me. It has s.n.a.t.c.hed me from my home, and kept me here when my mother needs me most." Turning to me accusingly, she demanded, "Why did you choose me, of all people, to give this magic to?"

It shocked me. "I didn't. I didn't choose you. You had it, you were born with the magic. And, for some reason, we connected. I didn't even realize you were there, watching my life, for a very long time."

"There were times when that was obvious," she observed, but before I wondered what I had unwittingly shown her of myself, she added, "And now I have it, like some disease, and it means that I am ever in service to my queen. And to King Dutiful, when he succeeds her. I don't suppose you can even imagine what a burden that could be to me."

"I have some inkling of it," I replied quietly. Then, when she continued to sit unmoving before me, I asked her, "Should not you be on your way? Daylight is the best time for travel."

"We have just met, and you are so anxious for us to be parted." She looked down at the ground beneath her feet. Suddenly, she was Nettle from our dreams as she shook her head and said, "This is not at all how I imagined our first meeting would be. I thought you would be happy to see me, and we would laugh and be friends." She gave a small cough and then admitted shyly, "A long time ago, when I first had dreams about you and the wolf, I used to imagine that we would really meet some day. I pretended you would be my age and handsome, in a wolfish way, and find me pretty. That was silly, wasn't it?"

"I'm sorry to have disappointed you," I said carefully. "I definitely find you pretty, however." She gave me a look that said that such compliments from an aging guardsman made her uncomfortable. Her illusions about me had made a barrier I had not expected. I came closer to her, and then crouched down beside her to look up into her eyes. "Could we, perhaps, begin this again?" I put out a hand to her and said, "My name is Shadow Wolf. And Nettle, you cannot imagine how many years I have longed to meet you." Without warning, my throat closed tight. I hoped I would not get teary. My daughter hesitated, and then set her hand in mine. It was slender, like a lady's hand should be, but brown from the sun and her palm against mine was callused. The touch strengthened our Skill-bond and it was as if she squeezed my heart rather than my fingers. Even if I had wanted to hide what I felt from her, I could not have done so. I think it breached some wall she had held.

She looked up into my face, on a level with hers now. Our eyes met, and suddenly her lower lip trembled like a baby's. "My papa is dead!" she stammered out. "My papa is dead, and I don't know what to do! How can we go on? Chivalry is such a boy still, and Mama knows nothing of the horses. Already, she speaks of selling them off and moving to a town, saying she cannot abide to be where my father so emphatically is not!" She choked and then gasped, "It's all going to fall apart. I'm going to fall apart! I can't be as strong as everyone expects me to be. But I have to." She drew herself up straight and faced me. "I have to be strong," she repeated, as if that would turn her bones to iron. It seemed to work. No tears. Hers was a desperate courage. I caught her in my arms and held her tight. For the first time in her life or mine, I held my daughter. Her cropped hair was bristly against my chin and all I could think was how much I loved her. I opened myself to her and let it flood from me into her. I felt her shock, both at the depth of my feeling and that a relative stranger would touch her so. I tried to explain.

"I will look after you," I told her. "I'll look after all of you. I promised . . . I promised your papa I would do that, look after you and your little brothers. And I will."

"I don't think you can," she said. "Not as he did." But trying to gentle her words, she added, "I do believe you will try. But there is no one like my papa in the world. No one."

For a moment longer, she let me hold her. Then, gently, she disentangled herself from me. Subdued, she said, "My horse will be saddled and waiting. And the guardsman the Queen a.s.signed me will be there, also." She took a huge breath, held it, then slowly let it out. "I have to go. There will be a lot to do at home. Mama cannot manage the babies as well as she used to with Papa gone. I'm needed there." She found her kerchief and dabbed unshed tears from her eyes.

"Yes. I'm sure you are." I hesitated, and then said, "There was a message, from your father. You may think it odd or frivolous, but it was important to him."

She looked at me quizzically.

"When Malta comes into season, Ruddy is to stud her."

She lifted a hand to her mouth and gave a strangled little laugh. When she caught her breath, she said, "Ever since the mare came to us, he and Chivalry have argued about that. I'll tell him." She took two steps away from me and repeated, "I'll tell him." Then she whirled and was gone.

I stood for a moment, feeling bereft. Then a sad smile spread over my face. I sat down on the bench and looked out over the Women's Garden. It was summer and the air was rich with the fragrance of both herbs and blossoms, and yet the scent of my daughter's hair was still in my nostrils and I savored it. I stared into the distance over the top of the lilac tree and wondered. It was going to take me longer to get to know my daughter than I had thought. Perhaps there would never be a good time to tell her that I was her father. That piece of information did not seem as important as it once had. Instead, it seemed more important that I find a way to come into their lives without causing pain or discord. It wasn't going to be easy. But I would do it. Somehow.

I must have fallen asleep there. When I awoke, it was late afternoon. For a moment, I could not recall where I was, only that I was happy. That was such a rare sensation for me that I lay there, looking up at blue sky through green leaves. Then I became aware that my back was stiff from sleeping on a stone bench, and in the following instant, that I had planned to take food and wine back to the Fool today. Well, it was not too late for that, I told myself. I rose and stretched and rolled the kinks out of my neck and shoulders.

The pathway back to the kitchens led through the herb gardens. At that time of year, lavender and dill and fennel grow tall, and this year they seemed even taller than usual. I heard one woman say querulously to another, "Just see how they've let the gardens go! Disgraceful. Pull up that weed, if you can reach it."

Then, as I stepped into view, I recognized Lacey's voice as she said, "I don't think that's a weed, dear heart. I think it's a marigo- Well, it's too late now, whatever it was, you've got it up, roots and all. Give it to me, and I'll throw it in the bushes where no one will find it."

And there they were, two dear old ladies, Patience in a summer gown and hat that had probably last seen the light of day when my father was King-in-Waiting. Lacey, as ever, was dressed in the simple robe of a serving woman. Patience carried her slippers in one hand and the torn-out marigold in the other. She looked at me nearsightedly. Perhaps she saw no more than the blue of a guard's uniform as she declared to me sternly, "Well, it didn't belong there!" She shook the offending plant at me. "That's what a weed is, young man, a plant growing in the wrong place, so you needn't stare at me so! Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

"Oh, dear Eda-of-the-Fields!" Lacey exclaimed. I thought I might still be able to retreat, but then Lacey, stolid, solid Lacey, turned slowly and fainted dead away into the lavender.

"Whatever are you doing, dear? Did you lose something?" Patience exclaimed, peering at her. And then, when she perceived Lacey was supine and unmoving, she turned on me, asking in outrage, "See what you've done now! Frightened the poor old woman to death, you have! Well, don't stand there, you simpleton. Pluck her out of the lavender before she crushes it completely!"

"Yes, ma'am," I said, and stooping, I lifted her. Lacey had always been a hearty woman, and age had not dwindled her. Nonetheless, I managed to raise her, and even carried her to a shady spot before I set her down on the gra.s.s there. Patience had followed us, muttering and shaking her head over how clumsy I was.

"Faints at the drop of a hat she does, now! Poor old dear. Do you feel better now?" She eased herself down beside her companion and patted her hand. Lacey's eyes fluttered.

"I'll fetch some water, shall I?"

"Yes. And hurry. And don't even think of running off, young man. This is all your doing, you know."

I ran to the kitchens for a cup and filled it at the well on my way back. By the time I got there, Lacey was sitting up and Lady Patience was fanning her old servant, alternately scolding and sympathizing. ". . . and you know as well as I do how the eyes play tricks on us at our age. Why, only last week, I tried to shoo my wrap off the table, thinking it was the cat. It was the way it was curled, you know."

"My lady, no. Look well. It is him or his ghost. He looks just as his father looked at that age. Look at him, do."

I kept my eyes down as I knelt by her and offered her the cup. "A bit of water, ma'am, and I'm sure you'll feel better. It was most likely the heat." Then, as Lacey took the cup from me, Patience reached across her to seize my chin in her hand. "Look at me, young man! Look at me, I said!" And then, as she leaned closer and closer to me, she exclaimed, "My Chivalry never had a nose like that. But his eyes do . . . remind me. Oh. Oh, my son, my son. It cannot be. It cannot be."

She let go of me and sat back. Lacey offered her the cup of water, and Patience took it absently. She drank from it and, turning to Lacey, said calmly, "He wouldn't dare. He wouldn't have."

Lacey still stared at me. "You heard the rumors, same as me, my lady. And that Witted minstrel sang us the song, about the dragons and how the Witted b.a.s.t.a.r.d rose from the grave to serve his king."

"He wouldn't," Patience repeated. She stared at me, and my tongue was frozen to the roof of my mouth. Then, "Help me up, young man. And Lacey, too. She has the fainting spells, these days. Eating too much fish, is what I think brings them on. And river fish at that. Makes her wobbly, so you'll just see us back to our chambers, won't you?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be happy to."

"I daresay you'll be happy to. Until we get you behind closed doors. Take her arm, now, and help her along." But that was easier said than done, for Patience clung to my other arm as if a river might sweep her away if she let go.

Lacey was, in truth, swaying as she walked, and I felt very bad indeed to have given her such a shock. Neither one of them said another word to me, though twice Patience pointed out caterpillars on the roses and said they were never tolerated in the old days. Once inside, we still had a long walk through the Great Hall, and then up the wide stairs. I was grateful that it was only one flight, for Patience muttered nasty words as she mastered each riser, and Lacey's knees crackled alarmingly. We went down the hall and Patience waved at a door for me. It was one of the best chambers in Buckkeep, and it pleased me more than I could say that Queen Kettricken had accorded her this respect. Lady Patience's traveling trunk was already open in the middle of the room, and a hat was already perched on the mantel. Kettricken had even recalled that Lady Patience preferred to dine in her chambers, for a small table and two chairs had been placed in the fall of sunlight from the deep-set window.

I saw each of them to a chair, and when they were seated, asked them if there was anything else I could bring them.

"Sixteen years," Patience snapped. "You can fetch me sixteen years! Shut that door. I don't suppose it would be wise for this to be gossip all over Buckkeep. Sixteen years, and not a peep, not a hint. Tom, Tom, whatever were you thinking?"

"More likely, not thinking at all," Lacey suggested, looking at me with martyred eyes. That stung, for always when I had been a boy and in trouble with Patience, Lacey had taken my part. She seemed to have recovered well from her faint. There were spots of color on her cheeks. She ponderously rose from her chair and went into the adjoining room. In a few moments, she returned with three teacups and a bottle of brandy on a little tray. She set it down on the small table between them, and I winced at the sight of her lumpy knuckles and gnarled fingers. Age had crippled those nimble hands that once had tatted lace by the hour. "I suppose we could all do with a bit of this. Not that you deserve any," she said coldly. "That was quite a fright you gave me in the garden. Not to mention years of grief."

"Sixteen years," Patience clarified, in case I had managed to forget in the last few moments. Then, turning to Lacey, she said, "I told you he wasn't dead! When we prepared his body to bury him, even then, washing his cold legs, I told you he couldn't be dead. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. And I was right!"

"He was dead," Lacey insisted. "My lady, he had not breath to fog a bit of gla.s.s, nor a single thump of his heart. He was dead." She pointed a finger at me. It shook slightly. "And now you are not. You had best have a good explanation for this, young man."

"It was Burrich's idea," I began, and before I could say another word, Patience threw up her hands in the air, crying, "Oh, I should have guessed that man would be at the bottom of this. That's your girl he has been raising all these years, isn't it? Three years after we'd buried you, we heard a rumor. That tinker, Cottlesby, that sells such nice needles, he told us he had seen Molly in, oh, some town, with a little girl at her side. I thought to myself then, how old? For I said to Lacey, when Molly left my service so abruptly she puked and slept like a woman with child. Then, she was gone, before I could even offer to help her with the babe. Your daughter, my grandchild! Then, later, I heard that Burrich had gone with her, and when I asked about, he was claiming all the children as his own. Well. I might have known. I might have known."

I had not been prepared for Patience to be quite so well informed. I should have been. In the days after my death, she had run Buckkeep Castle, and developed a substantial network of folk who reported to her. "I think I could do with some brandy," I said quietly. I reached for the decanter, but Patience slapped my hand away.

"I'll do it!" she exclaimed crossly. "Do you think you can pretend to be dead and vanish from my life for sixteen years and then walk in and pour yourself some of my good brandy? Insolence!"

She got it open, but when she tried to pour, her hand shook so wildly that she threatened to deluge the table. I took it from her, as she began to gasp, and poured some into our cups. By the time I set the bottle down, she was sobbing. Her hair, never tidy for long, had half fallen down. When had so much gray come into it? I knelt down before her and forced myself to look up into her faded eyes. She covered her face with her hands and sobbed harder. Cautiously, I reached up and tugged her hands from her face. "Please believe me. It was never by my choice, Mother. If I could have come back to you without putting the people I loved at risk, I would have. You know that. And the way you prepared my body for burial may have saved my life. Thank you."

"A fine time to call me 'mother,' after all these years," she sniffed, and added, "And what would Burrich have known about anything, unless it had four legs and hooves." But she put her tear-wet hands on my cheeks and drew me forward to kiss me on the brow. She sat back and looked down at me severely. The tip of her nose was very pink. "I'll have to forgive you now. Eda knows, I may drop dead tomorrow, and angry as I am with you, I still would not wish you to walk about the rest of your life regretting that I had died before I forgave you. But that does not mean I'm going to stop being angry with you, or that Lacey has to stop being angry with you. You deserve it." She sniffed loudly. Lacey pa.s.sed her a kerchief. The old serving woman's face rebuked me as she took her seat at the table. More clearly than ever, I saw how the years together had erased the lines between lady and maid.

"Yes. I do."

"Well, get up. I've no desire to get a crick in my neck staring at you down there. Why on earth are you dressed as a guardsman? And why have you been so foolish as to come back to Buckkeep Castle? Don't you know there are still people who would love to see you dead! You are not safe here, Tom. When I return to Tradeford, you shall come with me. Perhaps I can pa.s.s you off as a gardener or a wayward cousin's son. Not that I shall allow you to touch my plants. You know nothing about gardens and flowers."

I came to my feet slowly and could not resist saying, "I could help with the weeding. I know what a marigold looks like, even when it isn't in flower."

"There! You see, Lacey! I forgive him and the next word out of his mouth is to mock me!" Then she covered her mouth suddenly, as if to suppress another sob. The tendons and blue veins stood out on the back of her hand. Behind it, she drew a sharp breath, and then said, "I think I'll have my brandy now." She lifted her cup and sipped from it. She glanced at me over the rim, and more tears suddenly spilled. She set the cup down hastily, shaking her head. "You're here and alive. I don't know what I've got to weep about. Except sixteen years and a grandchild, lost to me forever. How could you, you wretch! Account for them. Account for yourself and what you've been doing that was so very important you couldn't come home to us."

And suddenly, all the very good reasons I'd had for not going to her seemed trivial. I could have found a way. I heard myself say aloud, "If I hadn't given my pain to the stone dragon, I think I would have found a way, however risky. Maybe you have to keep your pain and loss to know that you can survive whatever life deals you. Perhaps without putting your pain in its place in your life, you become something of a coward."

She slapped the table in front of her, then exclaimed in pain at her stinging fingers. "I didn't want a moral lecture, I wanted an accounting. With no excuses!"

"I've never forgotten the apples you threw to me through the bars of my cell. You and Lacey were incredibly brave to come to me in the dungeons, and to take my part when few others dared to."

"Stop it!" she hissed indignantly as her eyes filled with tears again. "Is this how you get your pleasure these days? Making old ladies weep over you?"

"I don't mean to."

"Then tell me what happened to you. From the last time I saw you."

"My lady, I would love to. And I will, I promise. But when I encountered you, I was on a pressing errand of my own. One that I should complete before I lose the daylight. Let me go, and I promise that I'll be back tomorrow, to give a full accounting."

"No. Of course not. What errand?"

"You recall my friend the Fool? He has fallen ill. I need to take him some herbs to ease him, and food and wine."

"That pasty-faced lad? He was never a healthy child. Ate too much fish, if you ask me. That will do that to you."

"I'll tell him. But I need to go see him."

"When did you last see him?"