Find You In The Dark Part 8

"Well, Ruby's girlfriend, Lisa has a cabin down by Franklin Lake. Maybe we could go down for the night. Like, say the Sat.u.r.day after Thanksgiving? I mean, it's really nice. With satellite TV and a huge jacuzzi tub. It could be a lot of fun." Clayton sounded excited.

I was pleased to see this even- natured side of Clay. He had started taking the lithium again, starting the night of the formal. Despite my happiness about this, I continued to watch him closely. Looking for any sign that he was lying about the meds and had stopped taking him.

I knew deep down that this wariness of mine where he was concerned wasn't good for the long term health of our relationship. But right now, Clay was on his meds and they seemed to have evened him out. He was still tired a lot and his appet.i.te was nonexistent but he seemed less zombiefied than the last time he had been on the pills. Clay said they must be acclimating to his system, now that he was on them for a longer period of time.

Well, whatever it was, I was happy to see it.

"So what do you think?" Clay asked the table, pulling me out of my thoughts. I appreciated that Clay was trying to integrate into our circle. He had struggled with relaxing around my friends. He and I continued to exist in our isolated bubble most of the time. I knew opting to spend most of my time with him as opposed to my friends was having a negative effect on my other relationships. But I was in the blissful throes of the honeymoon period. I couldn't be faulted for that, right?

For the most part, Rachel had tried to be pleasant, though she watched the two of us warily. I knew that she worried after Clay's Hulk episode at the dance. And Daniel, well, he still maintained an arms length with Clay. Though he tried for my sake. So, Clay inviting them along on an outing was huge. I hoped it was a positive step in the right direction in merging these parts of my life. I hated how being with Clay seemed at times to fragment my other relationships. Why did I have to have only one or the other?

I squeezed Clay's hand in appreciation at his gesture. Clay gave me a shy smile. I reached up and brushed a loose curl out of his eyes, letting my fingers linger on his skin. His gaze softened and I shivered in giddiness.

Daniel rolled his eyes at the two of us and I dropped my hand into my lap. I glared at my friend and he raised his eyebrows at me. "Sounds like fun to me." I said, giving Daniel a pointed look.

Rachel didn't look up and only shrugged. "I don't know. It all depends on what's going on with my family." I sighed in frustration. I knew Rachel didn't want to hang out with her extended family for any length of time. Her grandparents drove her nuts and her aunts and uncles, for the most part, were a bunch of jerks. No, she was just being difficult.

"Well, I think it sounds cool." Daniel piped up, surprising me. Rachel stiffened beside him. I knew he was goading her. Not to be outdone, Rachel sat up straight. "Well, I think it sounds cool too. Count me in." She said through clenched teeth. Great. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Fantastic. So we'll all go." Daniel said tersely, shoving his fork through his peas. Clay looked at me questioningly. I lifted my shoulders in resignation. "You two need to play nice or we'll leave your a.s.ses behind. Fair warning." I told the two of them, wagging my finger in their direction.

Rachel and Daniel briefly looked at each other and then away. Rachel gave Clay a tentative smile. "Thanks for inviting us." "Sure." Clay replied, still feeling awkward with the antagonistic vibe my friends were throwing out.

"I'm gonna go get a soda. Want anything?" Clay asked me. "I'll have a soda too." I dug a few coins out of my purse and tried to give them to him. Clay pushed my hand away and smiled. "I've got it, baby." He said softly and I beamed at the endearment.

Clay got up and went to get our drinks. I turned on my friends and leveled them with a glare of death. "You two need to get your acts together. Clay is making a big effort to be nice. The least you could do is give the battle royale between the two of you a rest for a while. You know, so you don't make the rest of us miserable."

Rachel and Daniel grumbled, but the chill between them thawed a bit. "Hey guys." I felt the bench beside me dip as someone sat down beside me. I looked over to see Jake Fitzsimmons grinning as he snuck a piece of my brownie off of my plate.

"Get your own brownie, Jake. Hands off of mine." I swatted his hand away, giving him a small smile. The three of us had known Jake since Kindergarten. He was sweet and cute and had never been subtle in the fact that he had a giant crush on me.

I chanced a look at Clay, but he was still waiting in line at the vending machine. "Daniel, Coach wanted me to let you know that practice was canceled today." Jake said, taking more of my brownie. I moved my tray out of his reach.

Jake and Daniel were on the basketball team together and the soccer team in the spring. "Thanks for letting me know, man. That frees up my afternoon. Which is good because I have a s.h.i.tload of homework to catch up on."

"What are you getting into this afternoon, Maggie? Feel like getting into something with me?" Jake wiggled his eyebrows at me and I smirked. He was a horrible flirt. He reached for my food again and I grabbed his hand. "One more bite and I will take your hand off." I warned him, locking my fingers around his wrist.

Jake laughed and pretended to lunge for my lunch again. I shoved him back, still holding onto his arm. So, I guess it didn't look good when Clay finally reappeared. "Get the h.e.l.l out of my seat." I heard Clay say angrily from behind me. I saw Rachel's eyes get big as she looked over my shoulder.

I dropped Jake's hand like it was on fire. Jake's smile disappeared and he looked up at Clay with a frown. "Sorry, dude. I'm just saying hi. I was just leaving." Jake sounded nervous. When I looked up at Clay's dark face, I knew why. He looked murderous.

"Get your hands off of my girl before I break your f.u.c.king fingers." Clay growled, moving forward aggressively. Jake got to his feet and put his hands out in front of him. "Look, man. I'm not sure what your problem is, but I was just saying hey. No need to go postal." Clay's face turned a scary shade of red and I thought he was going to reach over and grab Jake.

I got between them, facing Clay. "Chill out, Clay. He was just leaving." I looked back at Jake and pointedly said, "Goodbye, Jake." Jake looked between Clay and me with concern. "Are you sure everything's okay?" He asked me softly. Clay moved forward again and I wasn't sure I could stop him from escalating the situation if Jake didn't leave.

"I'm fine." I said, my eyes pleading with Jake to just get the h.e.l.l out of there. Jake's face clouded as he looked at Clay. "Okay. Well, see ya." He waved at Rachel and Daniel and then hightailed it out of there.

"What is your problem?" Daniel asked, clearly p.i.s.sed by Clay's behavior toward his friend. Clay ignored the question, turning his rage on me. "What the h.e.l.l was that?" He hissed at me, his eyes full of anger and accusation.

"Nothing. He's just a friend. Calm down, alright. You're making a scene." I glanced at the tables around us and realized everyone was watching our exchange like it was the G.o.d d.a.m.n Jerry Springer Show.

I tried to put my hand on Clay's arm, hoping physical contact would break through this rage of his. He backed away from me as though I had a contagious disease. "You let him touch you! You f.u.c.king let him touch you!" He yelled in my face. My skin flushed with embarra.s.sment. Jeesh, you'd think I'd been caught having s.e.x with another guy or something! Clay's reaction was ridiculous!

"Enough, Clay! Back off!" Rachel had come around the table and pulled me away from my boyfriend. Clay looked down at Rachel, his dark eyes simmering. "Fine. I'm backing off. I'm backing the h.e.l.l out of here." He grabbed his bag and stormed off out of the cafeteria.

I was painfully aware of the silence around us. I wanted to curl into a tiny ball of mortification. "That was bulls.h.i.t, Mags. I'm gonna kick his a.s.s for treating you like that." Daniel fumed. "No, Danny. He's just stressed. It'll be all right. Don't hold it against him. Please!" I begged. Daniel stared at me as though I were talking in another language.

Rachel looked at me with concern. "I don't like this, Maggie. The way Clay acted wasn't normal." Normal. Ha! If Rachel even knew the half of it. I smiled weakly, hoping to placate them. "No, everything will be fine. Come on, you guys would be p.i.s.sed if you saw someone flirting with your boyfriend or girlfriend. He was just surprised is all." I reasoned unconvincingly.

Daniel looked unswayed. "No, I can't say I've ever had that sort of reaction before. I swear, if he ever puts a hand on you..." I cut him off. "That's enough, Danny. Clay would never hurt me." I swore. "There are more ways to hurt someone than that, Mags." Rachel said quietly as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew she was right.

I wasn't sure if Clay would wait for me after school to give me a ride home. I hadn't seen him the rest of the day and my heart hurt when I thought about how angry he had been. Rachel had tried talking to me about it a few more times but I shut her down, refusing to discuss it with her.

I knew she and Daniel only cared about me but their worry irritated me. They had no idea what Clay went through every day. How hard it was for him to hold it together. They didn't see how beautiful and perfect we were together.

They just didn't get it.

"You want me to give you a ride home?" Danny asked as he waited for me by my locker at the end of the day. I still hadn't seen Clay, but I didn't want to spend the next fifteen minutes rehashing the state of my relationship with either of my best friends.

"Nah. I'm sure Clay is just waiting by the car." I told him, slamming the locker door closed. Daniel grabbed my hand and squeezed. "I'm not sure you should go anywhere with him. I knew I was right when I thought that guy was unstable. Maybe you need to just stay the h.e.l.l away from him."

I s.n.a.t.c.hed my hand back. "Shut up, Danny. He is not unstable. He got a little jealous. It's not a big deal! Don't you dare stand there and judge him! I've seen you do some pretty stupid things over Kylie. So just give him a break!" I said coldly. Daniel looked as though I had slapped him. I had gone from never raising my voice at him, to snapping at him all the time.

I felt the strain in our friendship and I hated it. But I would be d.a.m.ned if I would stand there and justify my feelings for Clay to him or to anyone. "That's not fair. I have never blown my lid like that and you know it." Daniel reasoned.

I sighed, letting my shoulders drop. "Maybe you've just never cared enough about anyone to feel the way Clay does about me." I sounded like an idiot, even I knew that. But I knew that Clay cared about me pretty d.a.m.n deeply, even if I knew on some level that that didn't give him an excuse to act the way he had.

"Well, that's a s.h.i.tty way of showing someone you care, if you ask me." Daniel quipped, following me out the door and onto the sidewalk outside of the school. I stopped and turned around, wrapping my arms around Danny in a hug. "I appreciate your concern. I love you so much for it. But trust me when I tell you that everything will be fine. Clay and I will work it out and I can't have you being all big brother around me all the time. I want the two of you to get along. You're two of the most important people in my life. So, please, for me...just let it go." I pleaded.

Daniel looked torn. I knew this went against his protective instincts where I was concerned. We got out to the parking lot and I looked over to where Clay's car was parked. My heart picked up when I saw him standing there, leaning against his BMW, his hands shoved into his jacket pockets, looking at me with apprehension.

Daniel followed my stare. "I don't like this, Mags. I'm serious. Just be careful." I nodded, making my way over to Clay. Danny followed me and we both stopped when we got to the car. Clay looked at me as though I would run away. His eyes were sad and I felt a twinge of guilt for my part in making him feel that way.

Why I felt any guilt was beyond me. But, I felt it nonetheless. "Hey, Maggie." He said quietly, my name a breath on his lips. "Hey." I said back, just as quietly. "Look, Clay. I'm not sure what the h.e.l.l your deal was at lunch. But I don't want to see that s.h.i.t again. Maggie is special and I will break your legs if you hurt her." Daniel broke in harshly.

I wanted to elbow him. Hadn't I just told him to check the protective bit?

Clay didn't take his eyes from mine, even as he answered Daniel. "I understand. I was an a.s.s. I'm sorry. If I hurt her, I would want you to break my legs, man. I swear it!" My throat felt tight.

Daniel grunted from beside me, but neither Clay or I took our eyes off of each other. "Well, as long as we understand each other, I'll see you guys later." Daniel said grudgingly. I looked at Danny quickly. "Thanks, Danny. I'll call you later." I a.s.sured him. Daniel gave me a smile. "Okay. Talk to you then." Daniel eyed Clay again and then walked away.

Clay reached out and took my hands in his. He pulled me close to him and I went willingly. "I'm so sorry, Maggie. You have no idea how much." He whispered, putting his arms around me and holding me to his chest. I laid my cheek on the rough fabric of his jacket and closed my eyes.

"I just don't understand. What did I do?" I asked softly. I felt Clay shudder. "It's not you! It's me and my stupid insecurities. I saw you talking...touching another guy and I just lost it. I'm so scared of losing you that it makes me crazy!" He said hurriedly. His fingers kneading the back of my neck and I felt him bury his face in my hair.

I pulled away and looked at him. He looked miserable and I hated it. "You can't act like that every time I talk to a guy, Clay. It's irrational and a little scary. I'm with you! Only you! I don't know how to make you see that!" I implored, cupping his face with my hands.

Clay closed his eyes and covered one of my hands with his own and pulled it to his mouth, kissing the palm. "I know that! I do! I never want you to be scared of me. Ever." He choked out. He seemed as though he were barely holding it together.

I hated to see him so broken. I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you, Clay." I murmured against his mouth. His eyes opened wide in surprise. Then a happy sort of contentment took the place of the angst on his face. He crushed his mouth to mine, his hands sweeping over my body in a desperate sort of possession.

"I love you too, Maggie. G.o.d, I love you so much!" He strangled out. We clutched together, trying to get as close as possible. "I'm yours' Clay." I said softly as he kissed my cheeks, my neck, my hair. "Mine." He growled before taking my mouth with his again.

Chapter Twelve.

To say that things were tense for the next few days was a bit of an understatement. Clay had joined Rachel, Daniel and I again at lunch. The next day after his meltdown over Jake, he had awkwardly apologized to my friends for his behavior.

Rachel had accepted his apology, mostly I knew, out of consideration for me. Daniel was still cool toward Clay, but after a week, he had started to let up on his aloofness. A tentative sort of peace descended over our small circle and I was finally able to breathe a little easier.

Clay was going over the top to prove he was a kind and loving boyfriend. He left me beautiful drawings in my locker almost every day. Each one depicted a b.u.t.terfly in varying degrees of detail. Each one was more unbelievable than the next.

When I asked him as to why he only drew the b.u.t.terflies he had kissed me softly on the mouth. "Because you make me feel free." He had answered simply. My heart melted into a puddle at my feet. He could say and do the most romantic things.

Clay had broached the topic of Lisa's cabin again at the lunch table. I knew he was trying really hard to change Rachel and Daniel's idea of him. My friends seemed less enthusiastic about it than they had been before. But after some pleading on my part, they each agreed that it could be fun.

So we made plans to spend the night at Lisa's cabin over Thanksgiving break. I desperately hoped it could eradicate this division I felt deepening between my friends and me. I knew they didn't approve of my relationship with Clay. I knew they were worried we were in too deep, too fast. And I knew they hadn't forgotten for one minute, the anger Clay was capable of.

And that upset me. Because I felt like no matter how much Clay tried to change their minds about him, their opinion was permanent. Despite how cordial they were to his face.

I became protective of my relationship with Clay. I didn't want anyone or anything to taint what we had. I felt like I was trying to hold onto a block of ice as it slowly melted through my fingers. I couldn't keep hold of the happiness I felt in those moments when things were good. Because the bad loomed not far away, just waiting to wipe everything else away.

But the trip to the cabin began to hold all my hopes for changing that. Clay seemed excited about the trip and I loved seeing him look forward to something. To see the brooding darkness erased by a real and true happiness.

"Wow, you're really excited about this trip aren't you?" I asked Clay after school. We were lying on my bed in my room. It had taken a lot of pleading to get Clay to return to my house. And yes, I knew that I was breaking one of my parents ten commandments but I knew for a fact that they would be out for at least two more hours. Giving Clay and I plenty of time to be alone together before he had to get the h.e.l.l out of there. The truth was, not even my parents' wrath could stop me from being with him. I was so desperate to make things good between us that I was willing to risk anything.

Clay rolled onto his side, his feet wrapped around mine as we lay tangled together. He propped his head up on his hand and looked down at me. He rubbed his fingers over the skin of my stomach, making me squirm.

"Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just glad everyone agreed to come." Clay said softly and I felt a pang at the regret in his voice. He knew what my friends thought of him. He wasn't stupid. I hated it for him. For us. It didn't make things easy. But we had never done easy.

I sat up suddenly, surprising Clay with my movement. I straddled his hips and wiggled against him. He laid his head back against my pillows, his eyes changing instantly from sadness to molten desire. "You start doing that, things are going to get out of control very quickly." He teased, running his hands up my sides. "Stop it." I laughed. Clay chuckled and pulled my face down to kiss me. "Mmm. You taste like cherries." He murmured against my mouth.

I smacked my lips together. "You can thank Lip Smackers." Clay laughed again, my heart thrilled at the sound, and kissed me longer and deeper. "Thank you, Lip Smackers." He said huskily before putting his lips to the base of my throat. He sat up, my legs wrapped around his middle and he held me tightly to his chest.

"Just think, Mags. An entire night together. I've wanted that for so long." He whispered breathlessly as he kissed a trail from my collar bone to my ear. "Typical guy, only thinking with your p.e.n.i.s." I said crudely. Way to kill the moment, Maggie! I chastised myself.

Clay smirked, not put off by my choice of terminology. "Oh no, I think with other things. Like my hands." He put them up my shirt and I gasped as his palms cupped my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "And my fingers." He whispered in my ear as his thumbs began to rub my nipples, causing a warmth to pool in my abdomen. "And my lips." He sucked on my ear lobe and I groaned. I swear, if he had wanted, he could take me right then and there.

"Oh G.o.d. What am I going to do with you?" He said with amus.e.m.e.nt as I became frenzied under his mouth. I frantically began pulling at his clothes, trying to get him naked. "Well, you could help me you know." I pouted as I tried once again to get his shirt over his head. Clay only laughed and pulled away, placing a loud kiss on my mouth. "Slow down, tiger. Not here, especially since the last time I was in your room, your father almost had me lynched. And we were just sleeping that time."

I wasn't going to let him go that easily. I deftly undid the b.u.t.ton on his jeans, sliding my hand just inside the waist band. "Are you sure about that, Clayton? You really want me to stop?" My hand drifted lower and I used my other hand to tug the zipper down.

Clay moaned deep in his throat, his head falling back as I found what I was looking for. My fingers touched him tentatively and he jerked against me. I couldn't help but smile at my victory. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled it out of his pants. "You are an evil, evil woman, Maggie Young. Trying to tempt me like that." He said lightly as he gently lifted me off his lap and b.u.t.toned up his jeans.

I rolled over on my bed and grabbed a pillow, tossing it at him. "You suck." I joked. Clay caught the pillow and threw it back at me. "No, I just don't want to be that guy." He explained. I frowned in confusion. "What guy?" I asked.

Clay sighed and sat up. "You know, the guy who waits for your parents to not be at home before deflowering their daughter in the bed she's had since childhood. You know, that guy, the one that looks for any and every opportunity to get you naked. I was that guy and I don't want to be him ever again."

Okay. So logically I appreciated what he was saying. I knew that he was telling me that he cared about me enough to not disrespect my parents and their house by having s.e.x with me in it. But right then, all I heard was that he had done this very thing with girls before me. And he wasn't gonna do it with me. And it p.i.s.sed me off. What was wrong with me? Was I not good enough to share that sort of intimacy with? I mean, it was obvious he had been less than discriminating in the past.

I turned my back to him and straightened my clothes, putting my bra back in place and putting my hair in a ponytail. "Mags." Clay said quietly from behind me. I leaned over and picked my Spanish book up off the floor and started to open it. Clay sat beside me. "Maggie. Don't be upset. Come on." He pulled the book off of my lap and I just sat there, staring at my hands.

I was embarra.s.sed and, worst of all, I felt rejected.

"Look at me." I lifted my eyes to his very concerned ones. "What did I say to make you look like that?" He asked. Stupid, oblivious boy. My face flushed red. "So, you've had s.e.x a bunch before. You know, done stuff with girls. But you won't do that stuff with me -your girlfriend. Am I getting this right?" I asked tightly. Clay brushed the hair from my face. "You silly, silly girl. Where does all this insecurity come from?" I started to pull away, annoyed that he could throw my insecurities in my face when he was the king of them! But he held me fast, holding onto my upper arms, forcing me to look at him.

"What I did before, that was another life. I was another person. I wasn't someone you would have ever wanted to be around, let alone be your boyfriend." I started to protest what he was saying. To argue that I would have loved him no matter what he was like, but he silenced me.

"No, listen, Maggie. I wasn't a good person. I was sick and addicted to the worst possible things. So yes. I had s.e.x. I fooled around with a lot of different girls. But none of it meant anything. Those girls, they used me. I used them, to try and feel something. But it was all a lie. Because I hated them. Hated myself. Nothing mattered until I met you." His eyes were intense as they looked into mine. I was holding my breath.

"Maggie. When we make love, I want it to be special. Not some quickie in your bedroom before your parents come home. I want more than that for us. I want to be able to hold you all night and feel you against me as I fall asleep. I want us to be perfect together." G.o.d, his words set me on fire. Had there ever been two people who loved each other as much as we did? I couldn't put into words the way we felt about each other.

"I love you." I breathed. Since saying it that first time, I found that I just couldn't stop. I wanted him to know every second of every day how much he meant to me. "G.o.d, Maggie." He whispered, leaning forward, capturing my mouth with his. "I love you more than anything. With everything that I am." He answered me. Okay, I was done for. I crashed into him again. Our mouths molded together, our breath coming fast. "Just a little bit. Please, just give me something." I begged into his mouth. Clay's heart beat erratically beneath my hand as I pressed into him.

Helpless against my feminine wiles, Clay slipped his hands up my shirt and pressed his hands against my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He rubbed my nipples with his fingers, sending shocks of electricity to that sensitive spot between my thighs. I groaned into his mouth and that seemed to be his undoing. He reached around my back and unclasped my bra. Then with an ease I didn't want to focus too much on, he peeled off my shirt, taking my bra with it. I felt a little uneasy being so quickly exposed. I tried to cover myself, not sure how to behave.

Clay stopped me and pulled my arms away from my chest. His eyes were bright. "You are so beautiful." He rasped, lowering his mouth to my breast, licking and kissing it slowly until I thought I would die with the pleasure of his touch.

With shaky fingers, I undid the b.u.t.tons of his shirt and pulled it off of him. Clay's mouth returned to mine as we pressed our naked flesh against each other. "I want you so much, Clay. Please. I need this." I whispered hoa.r.s.ely as his mouth trailed back down to my aching nipples.

For a moment I thought I had won. Clay slowly unb.u.t.toned my jeans and I raised my hips to give him easier access. He slid his hand inside, over top my underwear and pressed his palm against my wet warmth. I had never been touched so intimately before. I was breathing in rapid pants and I worried I would hyperventilate.

His fingers began to move underneath the edge of my panties. So close to where I desperately needed him to be. His mouth was hard and wet against my lips as he seemed to fight with himself for control.

I then I heard the worst possible sound. The front door slamming shut. s.h.i.t! My parents were home. I looked over at the clock, shocked to see that two hours had already pa.s.sed. "Christ! You've got to get out of here! My parents will spit roast you if they find you in here." I hastily put my bra back on, inside out I'm pretty sure, and I pulled my shirt over my head. Clay quickly b.u.t.toned up his shirt and slid his shoes on his feet.

"How am I going to get out of here?" He asked in a near panic. I looked out my window. The only way would be to climb out onto the roof and down the old oak tree. I pointed outside. "You have to go out that way!" I hissed, trying to shoo him in that direction.

Clay seemed frozen to the spot. I could hear my parents rummaging around in the kitchen, my mom's laughter at something my dad had said. It would only be minutes before they come up here looking for me.

"Hurry!" I whispered frantically. Clay's eyes had gone as big as saucers. "What is it?" I asked him hurriedly. What was the hold up here? "I'm deathly afraid of heights." He whispered back to me. I closed my eyes and tried not to groan in frustration. He was just telling me this now?

I walked back over to my desk and dropped into my chair. Clay looked at me as if I had gone certifiably insane. "What are you doing? I have to get out of here! Your dad is going to kill me!" He was close to freaking out. I raised my hands in defeat. "If you can't go out the window, there's no way I can sneak you past them to the front door. So we might as well look like we're doing something innocent up here and I'll take whatever they dish out." I pulled my Spanish book back out and flipped open to the page I had for homework.

Catching a glimpse of my flushed face and too bright eyes in the full length mirror over my shoulder there would be no doubt as to what we had been doing. But what else could I do?