Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 83

KEZIA. You was always one for pretty talk, Joe, but you're not a bit what you were i' deeds lately.

[_Joe hands his cup for more tea._]

JOE. 'Cause you snap me up so.

KEZIA. There you are again, tryin' to pick a quarrel.

[_Joe pulls his chair away from the table and drags it nearer the grate. He takes his pipe from his pocket and blows into it._]

KEZIA. Now, Joe, you know I cain't abide that 'baccy smell: it gives me a headache.

JOE. It gives me a headache to do without 'baccy.

[_Joe polishes his pipe-bowl on his sleeve, puts the stem in his mouth, and takes out some s.h.a.g. Kezia watches him as she removes the tea-things. Joe watches her out of the corner of his eye as he slowly fills his pipe._]

KEZIA. I'm fair wore out.

[_Joe gets up, puts his pipe on the mantelpiece and his knife and s.h.a.g in his pocket, and advances towards Kezia. He puts his hands on her shoulders and looks in her eyes._]

JOE. Kiss us, old girl!

KEZIA. Don't be so silly. I don't feel like it at all, and I want to be with mother again.

JOE. And married only two years!

KEZIA. It seems like six to me.

JOE. What ails thee, la.s.s?

KEZIA. Don't keep allus askin' questions and bein' so quarrelsome; I'm mazed at the sight of 'e, sure enough. [_She folds the cloth, pokes the fire, goes into the inner room, at back R., and comes in again with her hat and shawl on and a basket in her hand. She looks at Joe, and wipes her eyes._] You can sit there as long as you've a mind to, and smoke insides black and blue. I'm going to market a bit, and then I shall go into Blanch Sally and talk to she. She've got a bit of common sense.

It's just on eight o'clock, and I shan't be more nor an hour or so.

[_Joe does not stir as Kezia goes out of the front door. Kezia looks back to see if he'll turn, but he does not move. He gazes into the fire with his hands clasped behind his head, and his chair tilted back._]

JOE. I'd as soon be a dog as a man, sure enough! They can sit by the fire and be comfortable. [_He jumps up suddenly as he hears a knock at the door._] Come in!

[_The street door opens softly, and Matthew Trevaskis comes in very quietly. He is a stout, short man with bushy hair and a beard. He also is dressed as a laborer. He looks at Joe and gives a low whistle._]

MATTHEW. Hallo, mate!

JOE. Oh! you?

[_Joe sits down again, points to another chair, and looks gloomily back into the fire._]

MATTHEW. Well, brother! Thee looks as if thee'd run out o' speerits and 'baccy both.

JOE. I'm moody, like a thing.

[_Matthew laughs and draws his chair up close to Joe. He pulls down his waistcoat, and then puts his fingers in the arm-holes, as he contemplates Joe._]

MATTHEW. Got the hump, mate? Have 'e?

[_Joe shakes his head dolefully from side to side and sighs._]

MATTHEW. Jaw, I suppose?

[_Joe nods._]

MATTHEW. Thought so. I met the missus as I came along looking a bit teasy. Women's the devil that way; it's in their breed and bone, like fightin' in we. You began all wrong, like me, mate, and females always takes advantage of honeymoon ways, and stamps on we if we don't take 'em in hand at once.

[_Joe sighs, crosses his legs and looks at his friend._]

JOE. Drat it all! I never began no different to what I am now. I cain't make things up at all. I'm fairly mazed, never having had dealin's with no female, except mother, who was mostly ill, and never in tantrums.

[_Matthew rises, pokes Joe in the ribs and laughs._]

MATTHEW. Cheer up, brother, there's no bigger fool than a man as is sent crazy with a woman.

JOE. Women is mazy things.

MATTHEW. There's allus 'baccy for to fortify us against them, thanks be.

[_Matthew draws a little black clay pipe out of his waistcoat pocket and points to Joe's pipe on the mantelpiece as he sits down._]

JOE. Kezia 'ates 'baccy in the house.

MATTHEW. Smoke all the time then; it's the only way.

[_Joe smiles and smoothes his thin straight hair._]

JOE. You allus forgets I'm bent on pleasin' of Kezia.

[_Matthew stretches out his legs, and his face becomes calm and thoughtful. He speaks very deliberately._]

MATTHEW. The more thee tries to please women, mate, the more crotchety they becomes. Within bounds I keep the peace in our place like a judge, but she've learnt, Jane Ann have, that I'll put my foot down on any out-of-the-way tantrums. Give them their heads and they'll soon have we by the heels.

JOE. Sometimes I wonder if we give 'em their heads enough. Perhaps they'd domineer less if we left 'em take their own grainy ways.

MATTHEW. You bet! If I gave in to Jane Ann entirely, where the devil do 'e think I should be at all?

[_The two men laugh together and light their pipes and smoke hard._]

JOE. I've no notion.

MATTHEW. Well! I should be like a cat out in the rain, never certain where to put my feet. As it is, as you do know, I cain't keep no dog for fear of the mess its feet 'ud make on the floor; I cain't have a magpie in a cage 'cause its seed 'ud 'appen fall on the table. I've got to walk ginger like a rooster in wet gra.s.s for fear o' disturbin' the sand on the clean floor, and I rubs my feet on the mat afore I goes in to my meals enough to split it in half. I gives in to all things 'cause I was took captive over them, in a manner of speaking, almost afore I'd finished courting, and it takes years to understand women's fancies!

It's worse nor any book learnin', is understandin' women; and then, when you think you've learnt 'em off by heart, any man 'ud fail under a first standard examination on 'em. [_He gets up and shakes Joe by the shoulder._] Listen to me, mate! Bein' a real pal to thee, Joe, I'm warnin' of 'e now afore it's too late, for thee's only been wed two years, and there's time to alter things yet.

[_Joe suddenly gets up and goes to the door to see if it is fastened, and returns to face his friend. He takes off his long-sleeved waistcoat and throws it on a chair, after putting down his pipe._]