Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 241

COLU. Why, Pierrot, _I_ can't act.

PIER. Can't act! Can't act! La, listen to the woman!

What's that to do with the price of furs?--You're blonde, Are you not?--You have no education, have you?-- Can't act! You under-rate yourself, my dear!

COLU. Yes, I suppose I do.

PIER. As for the rest, I'll teach you how to cry, and how to die, And other little tricks; and the house will love you.

You'll be a star by five o'clock.... That is, If you will let me pay for your apartment.

COLU. _Let_ you?--well, that's a good one! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But why?

PIER. But why?--well, as to that, my dear, I cannot say. It's just a matter of form.

COLU. Pierrot, I'm getting tired of caviar And peac.o.c.ks' livers. Isn't there something else That people eat?--some humble vegetable, That grows in the ground?

PIER. Well, there are mushrooms.

COLU. Mushrooms!

That's so! I had forgotten ... mushrooms ... mushrooms....

I cannot _live_ with.... How do you like this gown?

PIER. Not much. I'm tired of gowns that have the waist-line About the waist, and the hem around the bottom,-- And women with their b.r.e.a.s.t.s in front of them!-- _Zut_ and _ehe_! Where does one go from here!

COLU. Here's a persimmon, love. You always liked them.

PIER. I am become a critic; there is nothing I can enjoy....

However, set it aside; I'll eat it between meals.

COLU. Pierrot, do you know, Sometimes I think you're making fun of me.

PIER. My love, by yon black moon, you wrong us both.

COLU. There isn't a sign of a moon, Pierrot.

PIER. Of course not.

There never was. "Moon's" just a word to swear by, "Mutton!"--now _there's_ a thing you can lay the hands on, And set the tooth in! Listen, Columbine: I always lied about the moon and you.

Food is my only l.u.s.t.

COLU. Well, eat it, then, For heaven's sake, and stop your silly noise!

I haven't heard the clock tick for an hour.

PIER. It's ticking all the same. If you were a fly, You would be dead by now. And if I were a parrot, I could be talking for a thousand years!

[_Enters Cothurnus._]

PIER. h.e.l.lo, what's this, for G.o.d's sake?--What's the matter?

Say, whadda you mean?--get off the stage, my friend, And pinch yourself,--you're walking in your sleep!

COTH. I never sleep.

PIER. Well, anyhow, clear out.

You don't belong on here. Wait for your own scene!

Whadda you think this is,--a dress-rehearsal?

COTH. Sir, I am tired of waiting. I will wait No longer.

PIER. Well, but what are you going to do?

The scene is set for me!

COTH. True, sir; yet I Can play the scene.

PIER. Your scene is down for later!

COTH. That, too, is true, sir; but I play it now.

PIER. Oh, very well!--Anyway, I am tired Of black and white. At least, I think I am.

[_Exit Columbine._]

Yes, I am sure I am. I know what I'll do!-- I'll go and strum the moon, that's what I'll do....

Unless, perhaps, ... you never can tell ... I may be, You know, tired of the moon. Well, anyway, I'll go find Columbine.... And when I find her, I will address her thus: "_Ehe_ Pierrette!"-- There's something in that.

[_Exit Pierrot._]

COTH. You, Thyrsis! Corydon!

Where are you?

THYR. Sir, we are in our dressing-room!

COTH. Come out and do the scene.

CORY. You are mocking us!-- The scene is down for later.

COTH. That is true; But we will play it now. I am the scene.

[_Seats himself on high place in back of stage. Enter Corydon and Thyrsis._]

CORY. Sir, we were counting on this little hour.

We said, "Here is an hour,--in which to think A mighty thought, and sing a trifling song, And look at nothing."--And, behold! the hour, Even as we spoke, was over, and the act begun, Under our feet!

THYR. Sir, we are not in the fancy To play the play. We had thought to play it later.

CORY. Besides, this is the setting for a farce.

Our scene requires a wall; we cannot build A wall of tissue-paper!

THYR. We cannot act A tragedy with comic properties!

COTH. Try it and see. I think you'll find you can.

One wall is like another. And regarding The matter of your insufficient wood, The important thing is that you speak the lines, And make the gestures. Wherefore I shall remain Throughout, and hold the prompt-book. Are you ready?